Welcome back, Funnies Fans,
This SUNFUN is about errors, just like last week's. No,
that isn't a mistake - that would be a little too ironic. This
is simply Part 2 of our look at the best of blunders. I suppose
you could call this no runs, no hits, two errors...
As we have seen, the greater majority of mistakes are
destructive errors. But we also can't ignore the fact the some
errors are necessary and even beneficial. A biologist friend of
mine pointed out that we haven't yet mentioned the biggest
error-driven mechanism ever known, that of life itself. Random
mutations are the engine that drive evolution. All those little
genetic accidents lead to thousands of bad and destructive
mutations - and the occasional Carmen Electra.
On a more cultural level, I suppose we could also mention
the Leaning Tower of Pisa. As a work of engineering, it has been
a long series of disastrous mistakes. Everyone sees the tilt,
but what most people don't know is that the tower's tipping was
recognized only a few months after construction on the batty bell
tower began in 1172. Even without scientific testing, they
quickly realized that the soil at the site was unstable and the
foundation was too shallow. For these problems, the builders
came up with a cheap and simple fix - one that was an even bigger
goof than the initial defective design. To compensate for the
tilt they used bigger stones on the low side to make the tower
bend toward vertical. The result is more the shape of a 150-foot
tall (55 meter) stone banana than any conventional tower.
But does that make it a mistake? The thing was built as the
bell tower for the Pisa cathedral, but the bells were never
installed for fear that the extra weight would convert the
cockeyed campanile into a rock pile. So it was a complete
failure in its original purpose. It isn't the only tower in the
region... Tower building was the same kind of status symbol to
the Northern Italians of the 1100's as swimming pool ownership is
today, so there are hundreds of similar towers in the area, all
except this one boringly vertical. The reason the Pisa steeple
is a success as a tourist attraction is only because its
designers screwed up, something the Pisa chamber of commerce will
always be thankful for. If the builders of Pisa had done a
better job, the city of Pisa would today be the same kind of
tourist attraction as Hoboken.
Now, we may be a few bubbles off plumb ourselves, but not
quite far enough to say Thanks to all of you who make this crazy
show possible. Special Greetings and Thanks this week to: Helen
Yee & Wayne Pokora, Rosana Leung, Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff,
Charles Beckman, R.J. Tully, Yasmin Leischer, Eva & Tiffany Lu,
Carol J. Becwar, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Kerry Miller, [What do you
mean, you're out of breath? We're not even half done] Brian
Siegl, Dennis & Fumiko David, Nnamdi Elleh, Sharon Nuernberg,
Sherrie Gervais, Chuck Maray, Laura Hong Li, Jan Michalski, Tim
McChain, Major & Judy McCallum, Nancy & Gerry Wohlge and Anna
Macareno. Things don't always turn out the way we planned, of
course. But does that make it all a mistake? Hardly! I don't
know who said it, but some philosopher or another came up with:
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not
the end." OK - that's the end.
Have An Upright Week,
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"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done
what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt
crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is
a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high
a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
American essayist and poet
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SOME PEOPLE CAN TELL A JOKE, SOME CAN'T
---------------------------------------
Some time ago, a seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational
speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of
my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
For a moment, the crowd was stopped. Now having their
complete attention, he continued with the punch line, "And that
woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he
delivered the rest of his speech which went over well.
Later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar
decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached
the pulpit that Sunday, he rehearsed the joke in his head.
When the time came, he launched into his borrowed joke,
announcing loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in
the arms of another woman who was not my wife!"
He got the shocked reaction from his audience, all right.
Maybe a little too shocked. Enough that it confused him for a
moment. Wrong moment to be confused.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall
the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out
"...and I can't remember who she was!"
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THE MISTAKEN MISTAKE?
--------------------
A few thousand trivia lists floating around the web claim
that computer faults are known as bugs because of a moth the late
Grace Murray Hopper's staff extracted from a relay of a
malfunctioning computer on September 9, 1945. While Hopper
retired from the U.S. Navy at age 80 with the rank of rear
admiral and even had a ship named after her - "The Amazing Grace"
- she did not originate the term bug. Except that the word was
already common slang for a technical fault by the late 1800's and
shows up numerous times in Thomas Edison's notebooks. A book
published several years before Hopper was born, the 1896
electrical handbook "Hawkin's New Catechism of Electricity," also
mentions the term.
The idea that Grace Hopper originated the term "bug" for
error is itself a mistake.
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MY OLD PAL, WHAT'S HIS NAME...
---------------------------
Here in the U.S., folks have been having lots of fun with
the continuing battle between George W. Bush and the English
language. While Bush's father, George the First, was no great
public speaker, George fils fails to live up to even that
stumbling standard. As an inspirational speaker, he ranks right
up there with Warren G. Harding. A typical Bushian pronouncement
seems to lose its way mid-paragraph: "When I was coming up, it
was a dangerous world and you knew exactly who they were. It was
us versus them and it was clear who them was. Today we are not
so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
Another head of state known for his gaffes is the current
leader of our neighbor to the north, Canadian Prime Minister Jean
Chretien. Speaking to the Canadian Parliament last February, he
discussed his upcoming visit to the U.S. and the warm association
that he had already formed with the new U.S. president.
"I would like to say thank you to him because he was
gracious in calling Canada first after he became prime minister,"
Chretien said. After some prodding from one of his fellow party
members, Chretien quickly added: "President Bush did that."
It wasn't the first time there had been confusion between
the two. During the U.S. election campaign, Bush was tricked by
a Canadian comedian posing as a reporter who offered the
candidate greetings from Canadian Prime Minister Jean Poutine,
which Bush accepted, smiling. Poutine is not the name of a
politician, but a popular French-Canadian dish consisting of
fried potatoes, cheese and gravy.
Then, at the Summit of the Americas last April, Bush called
the French-speaking Chretien "amigo" before trying to engage the
confused Canadian in a discussion of baseball. (Reuters)
[ One suggestion to reduce taxes is to
release a recording of their meetings as a
comedy album. ]
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"If your lips would keep from slips, Five things
observe with care: To whom you speak; of whom you
speak: And how, and when, and where.
- William Edward Norris
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AND WHAT TIME IS IT IN CANADA?
-----------------------------
To celebrate the millennium, the Canadian government spent
C$40,000 on a display outside Ottawa's National Research Council
(NRC) and linked to a C$1,000,000 cesium clock. The clock is
designed to be accurate within a few millionths of a second.
And it is a scientific marvel - except on Sundays. For some
unknown reason, the clock display loses nearly an hour every
Sunday, putting it in the same timekeeping class as a cheap Timex
wristwatch. Scientists believe that a bug in the software causes
the display to show the wrong time.
"The clock itself is not losing time. The problem is a
display, which doesn't display time properly," said a fed-up
Jean-Simon Boulanger, the NRC's group leader of frequency and
time.
NRC officials have had to reset the clock every Monday
morning since it was installed in 1999. They have also had to
manually reset the clock for each Daylight Savings time
adjustment. The programmers apparently forgot about that, even
though most home computers can accomplish this simple task.
Adding to the humiliation, the display sports a plaque
boasting that the Millennium Clock "celebrates Canada's rich
history of leadership in timekeeping".
"It was meant to be there only for passage of the year 2000
but someone said 'Why not keep it to the year 2001?' It's
supposed to be taken away any time now," Boulanger said with more
than a hint of relief. (Reuters)
[ Finally, a clock that addresses the
philosophical question: "Does anyone really
know what time it is?" ]
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long
enough to make them all yourself.
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BUTTON IT!
---------
In July of 1998, traders on the Paris stock exchanged were
panicked when the price of French 10-year bonds suddenly took an
unexpected drop.
Investigation showed that the mystery plunge happened when a
bank trader at Salomon Brothers in London accidentally leaned on
the "Instant Sell" button on his computer keyboard, generating a
wave of 145 separate sell orders. The large mass of
unintentional sales caused the bond price to sink dramatically.
"The disputed trades arose as a result of the prolonged,
unintentional and inadvertent operation of the 'Instant Sell'
key," said a spokesperson for computer software firm Cap Gemini.
Salomon Brothers declined to comment on any losses. (Reuters)
[ "If houses were built like computer
programs, the first woodpecker to come along
would have destroyed civilization." ]
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LOOKING FOOLISH ON TV DEPARTMENT...
--------------------------------
In a classic "Newlywed Game" question, couples were asked:
"From YOUR bedroom window, does the sun rise in the North, South,
East or West?"
Most of them got it wrong.
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THIS IS A TEST...
--------------
Ways to fail your driving test: A.) Stall the car in
traffic. B.) Cause an accident. C.) Nearly kill your driving
instructor. D.) All of the above.
Pencils up, all. It was answer D that caused a 22-year old
man in Holland to flunk his driving test. While taking his
driving test, the flustered student pilot stalled his vehicle in
a traffic lane near The Hague. I suppose it could have been that
riding with the government inspector might have made him more
nervous than usual. Or, it could have been the fact that he was
on a railroad crossing and there was a train coming that spooked
him.
In any case, the examiner and student driver wisely decided
to abandon ship. The oncoming train smashed into their car,
pushing it about 500 feet (150 meters) into another locomotive
headed the opposite direction.
No one was hurt, though rail traffic between The Hague and
Rotterdam was tied up for several hours. There wasn't much left
of the test vehicle.
And, the guy didn't pass his driving test. (Reuters)
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ALMOST A FLYING FLUB
--------------------
Modern companies love huge, distinctive logos showing off
their company name. But sometimes it pays to be careful what you
paint on your company vehicles. It was only after All-Nippon
Airlines of Japan held a news conference showing off their new
logo that an English-speaking employee explained why they should
re-think their new image. The proposed new logo featured the
airline's initials on the airplane's tail in bold print - as
ANAL.
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THAT'S ONE HOT PARTY...
--------------------
Last Fourth of July, a party in Kansas City, Missouri turned
into a far more exciting time than its host had planned.
A rowdy crowd of revellers had gathered at the Northland
area home of a 28-year-old man. They spent the night playing
loud music, shooting off illegal fireworks and drinking heavily.
After a night of this, the disturbed neighbors called police to
get the crowd quieted down.
The police showed up, and urged the crowd to go inside and
stop making noise. The coppers didn't see any fireworks in
evidence.
Then, around 3AM, the homeowner decided to heat up some
lasagna, so he turned on the oven to preheat. That's how he
found out his pals had hidden the illegal fireworks inside his
kitchen stove when the cops showed up.
"It blew the kitchen all apart," said Kansas City Assistant
Fire Marshall Jim Duddy. "The walls were all blown out, the oven
flew right through one of the walls."
Some of the party crowd were slightly injured by flying
glass, but otherwise no one was hurt. (Reuters)
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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