Greetings SUNFUN'ers...
They tell you in writing class that things presented in
threes are somehow magically clearer, more powerful and funnier.
Whether that contention is really true or not, we seem to be in a
kind of SUNFUN trilogy, all discussing rules. First was the
anarchic Al Fresco, then the Traditional Funnies and now
bureaucracy. We could call these no rules, old rules and too
many rules, respectively. Has a nice three-ness about it,
anyway.
I suppose that most people object to bureaucracy, which can
be defined as sticking rigidly to rules that make no sense. No
sense to the outsider, anyway. Most of the bureaucratic rules
seem to be in place only to preserve the little kingdom of some
faceless bureaucrat. While these folks may not be actually
stupid, they certainly appear that way at times, since they have
constructed a world that makes sense only as defined by its own
rules. No matter how useless, counterproductive or arbitrary
they may seem. Governments and large organizations are
especially prone to develop this kind of inward viewpoint. In
such organizations, rules accumulate over a period of time, like
a snowball rolling downhill. But, while individuals may enforce
the senseless rules, only organizations can be truly
bureaucratic. When individuals develop these tendencies, we call
it psychosis.
It isn't a rule, really, but it's always fun about this
point to acknowledge all of the nice folks whose friendship and
support keep this thing going show after show. Hello and Thanks
this week to: Helen Yee and Wayne Pocora, Yasmin & Meredith
Leischer, Gail Schneider-Cassafer, Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff,
Joshua Brink, Bruce Gonzo, Carol J. Becwar, Jan Michalski, Kerry
Miller, R.J. Tully, Tim McChain, Sharon Nuernberg, Chuck Maray,
Keiko Amakawa, and Nnamdi Elleh. And whenever you are dealing
with humorless bureaucrats, just keep in mind the wise words of
author Amis Kingsly, "The joys of sanity are few, but one of them
is knowing what is funny."
Have A "Sometimes You Have To Break The Rules" Week,
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THE INITIAL PROBLEM...
-------------------
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I
was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office
in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long memo came around
with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it
and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it
meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it
came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:
"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not
an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial
your erasure."
I did.
- Terri Watson, National Outdoor
Leadership School
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A BAND OF OUTLAWS...
-----------------
In England these days, the noise of battle some folks in the
British Army are facing is the noise from bureaucrats about,
well, noise. And while the noise of artillery shells and gunfire
are pretty well-known hazards to soldiers, that isn't the only
noise the government safety experts are concerned about.
It's the marching bands.
Regulators found that the musical assault from a military
brass band violated the governments "Noise at Work Regulations,"
and would have to be modified. They, in effect, told the bands
to pipe down.
"One solution would be to provide ear protectors during
training, but then soldiers couldn't hear their sergeant major
giving orders," a Ministry Of Defense spokesman said. Last we
heard, the military and the bureaucrats were looking for a
compromise. (Reuters)
[ Like hazardous duty pay for band practice,
maybe? ]
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THE "DO AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO" FACTOR
---------------------------------------
The Texas Commission for the Blind is charged with helping
visually impaired Texans get jobs. But a federal investigation
showed that the Commission also violated the Americans with
Disabilities Act.
The problem? The Justice Department says the Commission
discriminated against two of its employees because they had
impaired vision.
The Commission was forced to settle with the employees,
paying one $50,000 and another $5,000. (UPI)
[ Another case of the blind leading the
bland. ]
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THE FOUNTAIN OF REDUNDANCY...
--------------------------
It's been more than three years since the death of Princess
Diana, and almost that long since a committee was set up to build
a memorial fountain in remembrance of the late princess. These
things take time of course, especially when the government is
involved.
Finally last February, the British government's Diana,
Princess of Wales Memorial Committee took definitive action.
They set up another committee.
The new official body, the Fountain Design Committee, is
expected to finalize the design and location of the fountain.
(Reuters)
[ Look for news of the formation of the
Design Committee and Location Committee
within a few years. ]
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"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked
from the unfit, to do the unnecessary."
- Richard Harkness in The New York
Times
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I'M ON A COMMITTEE!
------------------
Oh give me some pity, I'm on a committee,
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend, and amend, and contend, and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur,
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
And the points of procedure are fun!
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee,
Where else could we make such a fuss.
- Author Unknown
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IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN...
-------------------------
The U.S. Department of Agriculture apparently has a low
opinion of our intelligence. At least, that's what you have to
figure, considering an order they gave an Iowa pet food company.
The company in question, Oink-Oink, Inc., makes a dog treat
called Pork Tenderloin, which is made from parts of a pig that no
human would normally want to eat. (Trust me, it's better if you
don't know any more than that). In order to be certain that no
people eat the doggy treat, the federal Ag folks insisted that
the product be dyed bright green. Oink-Oink thought the green
dye would make the product unappealing and took a $100,000 loss
dumping the product and enraging dog owners who loved the treat.
(Washington Post)
[ They loved it for their dogs, not the
table, by the way. ]
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TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE...
------------------------
Lea Tucker just wants to shop at the store on the other side
of the street. The 79-year-old widow doesn't drive a car, and
the lack of crosswalks or stoplights in her Glens Falls, New York
hometown makes it too difficult for her to walk across the
street. So, to get from one curb to the other, she has to take a
bus.
You might have already guessed that there is no bus that
goes directly across the main road, so her daily trek to the
market involves a four-mile, 45-minute ride each way. The
roundabout route eventually gets her to the shopping plaza, but
seems pretty silly and time-wasting.
After taking the bus for several years, she wrote to local
officials, asking them to install a crosswalk. They couldn't do
anything for her, and referred her to the state Department of
Transportation. The DOT says it will evaluate the situation.
(AP)
[ Step it up a little, guys, she's 79! ]
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GIVE 'EM AN INCH...
----------------
The rules are quite clear and specific: the Caerphilly
council in South Wales ruled that only children living more than
1-1/2 miles (about 3 km) from school should be entitled to free
transport.
Which meant that Huw and Hywel Morris, 8 and 5 respectively,
would lose their ride to school - because the distance to their
primary school, measured from their garden gate, fell just inches
short. No amount of convincing would move the bureaucrats to
restore the kid's ride.
Fortunately for the kids, their father was able to use the
same loophole to their benefit. By moving the location of their
front gate to the other side of the property, the kids are now,
officially, 1-1/2 miles and nine feet (3 meters) from school.
"It's ridiculous. It's bureaucracy gone mad, but I'm left
with little choice," the 37-year-old electrician said. (Reuters)
[ It raised a scandal of course. They're
calling it "Gate-gate." ]
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DECODING THE DRESS CODE
-----------------------
Schools have always had trouble keeping up with the latest
of kids fashions. The bureaucrats running one Canadian high
school took the bold step of asking parents, teachers and
students to submit ideas for a new dress code for the school.
Unfortunately, they then coded all of the suggestions into the
new dress code, resulting in massive confusion.
Under the code, concern is expressed about "apparel being
too low cut, see through, too tight, strapless, narrow straps,
sleeveless, bra showing, backless, midriff showing,
inappropriate, offensive or gang-related logo or language, or
dirty or tattered." Etcetera, etcetera... It goes on for a
while longer, ultimately making it sound like the typical
clothing worn on an Amish farm wouldn't quite make it under the
rules.
"We're not allowed to wear tight clothes and we're not
allowed to wear loose clothes," said 15-year-old Celina Pattison.
"What are we supposed to wear?"
One of her classmates had an answer - he came to school clad
in nothing but Post-It Notes. (Reuters)
[ Well, at least he stuck to the rules. ]
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JOB LOSS...
--------
Pity the poor rickshaw driver. And feel sorry for the whale
fisherman, and squid dryers, too. They are among the dozens of
professions that have dropped off of the official radar at the
Census Bureau. It isn't that there aren't folks still doing many
of these jobs, it's just that they can't claim it as their
official occupation.
In reporting last year's count of the population, the bureau
has categorized Americans into more than 33,000 occupations. But
some traditional jobs are dropping off the list because hardly
anyone is around to do them.
Since there are no whaling fleets operating in U.S. ports
after an international ban on commercial whale hunting, it is
unlikely that many folks will be training for that old
occupation. Same for rickshaw drivers.
But like any bureaucracy, there seems little sense to some
of the distinctions. Chinese teachers and judo and karate
teachers are recognized by the Census Bureau. But Japanese and
Korean teachers, as well as people who teach other Asian
languages or martial arts, are re-slotted generically as
"language teachers" or "martial arts instructors."
And although there is a listing for tea tasters, none exists
for tea growers, tea processors or tea ceremony teachers.
(Reuters)
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THE ORIGIN OF SPECIOUS...
----------------------
In an actual case, a New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan
for a client.
He was told the loan, would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which
took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the
information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual
letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining
your client's loan application, we note that
the request is supported by an Abstract of
Title.
"While we compliment the able manner in which you
have prepared and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to
clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded with this letter:
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has
been received.
"I note that you wish to have title extended
further than the 194 years covered by the present
application. I was unaware that any educated person in
this country, particularly those working in the
property area, would not know that Louisiana was
purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application.
"For the edification of uninformed FHA
bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.
ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired
it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the
year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus,
who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new
route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
"The good queen, being a pious woman and
careful about titles, almost as much as the
FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her
jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is
the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
And God, it is commonly accepted, created
this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe
to presume that He also made that part of the
world called Louisiana. "He, therefore,
would be the owner of origin.
"I hope you find His original claim to be
satisfactory.
"Now, may we have our loan?"
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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