Greetings Studious Funnies Fans,
We spend an amazingly large part of our lives measuring and
calculating how much more or less we need, whether it be a little
more money for something we desire or a couple less pounds on the
bathroom scale. And half the business of doing that figuring is
calculating how to get from where we are to where we wish to be,
where or what ever it may be. Which means, in the broadest sense
of it, that we are all doing studies all the time, even if it is
just balancing the checkbook to know how far behind we've got
before our paycheck shows up.
Scientists do much the same thing with their studies, except
that they try to get grant money up front so they always get
paid for their trouble. The only trick there seems to
understanding what to study and who will be willing to pay for
it. Naturally, there are tricks to this game.
Tell the foundations you are going out to study Bigfoot and
you'll quickly find yourself lumped in with the folks that
believe Elvis is still alive and recording - on Neptune. The way
to nuance this is to say that you want to study WHY people
believe in Bigfoot. Then, after the agencies and foundations
have showered you with cash, there you are out in the woods
looking for large, hairy beasties. This also helps to explain
why there are studies that sound sensible, and studies that sound
like the result of the researcher having pictures of the a
foundation's financial manager in bed with a member of another
species. Clearly, some of these studies wouldn't pass peer
review in a skid-row bar loaded with drunks. Not even if the
scientist was buying.
Always a studious group, our SUNFUN gang always has
interesting results. So, Thanks this week to: Eva and Tiffany
Lu, Anna Macareno, Nnamdi Elleh, Jerry Taff, Peter J. Adler,
Chuck Maray, Jan Michalski, Bruce Gonzo, R.J. Tully, Tim McChain,
The Leischers, Catherine Cassidy, Phil Hudgins, Charles Beckman,
and Kiyomi Kanazawa. Whatever studies you undertake, may they
always be successful. Or, at least, not too boring.
Have An Above Average Week,
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SIGNS OF THE TIMES....
------------------
If you've driven around much lately, you've probably already
suspected that a fair number of the drivers on the road are
pretty vague on all this "driving" business. Now, thanks to a
study from the folks at the Royal Auto Club of England, we know
more about why.
It's the signs.
It isn't that they aren't clear enough, it's that an amazing
number of drivers have no idea what even the most common road
signs mean. To determine this, the RAC stopped 500 drivers in
London and Glasgow one month and asked them to identify specimens
of various common road signs.
Three out of five British drivers stopped in the survey
believe that "Beware of Cattle" road signs indicate areas
infected with foot-and-mouth disease. Five percent of the
drivers thought that signs warning of danger from cross winds
meant "kite flying area," and 50 percent did not recognize the
sign indicating an end to a speed limit.
In addition, only 10 percent recognized road signs that a
two-lane highway had ended, and 20 percent thought that the signs
to yield to oncoming vehicles meant "one-way street ahead."
Which it does of course, but that would be only after the
lane is blocked in the accident.
It gets worse. Even the very limited survey found that
there are drivers who thought that a sign for toads crossing the
road - a significant and slippery problem in parts of England -
was an indication of a French restaurant. (Reuters)
[ I'm sure this would be much funnier if we
didn't have to drive on the same roads with
these foolish folk. ]
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DANGER: BIG GAME AREA
---------------------
No, the danger isn't from large, toothy animals, just the big
game. That's game, as in televised sports.
In a research study published the British Medical Journal,
scientists in the Netherlands found that 50% more men died on the
day of the country's dramatic loss in the 1996 European
championships. Which means either faulty data or someone takes
these things WAY too seriously. No corresponding increase
occurred in women. To make sure it wasn't a normal, seasonal
rise, Diederick Grobbee, professor at the University Medical
Center in Utrecht, also compared the deaths with the same period
in 1995 and 1997. Only the year with the important sports
contest had the rise in men moving permanently beyond the reach
of TV advertising.
"What happened was that one match in particular showed a
particular increase in fatalities, [because] that was the
quarter-final," Grobbee said. (Reuters)
[ Well, it was a final score for someone, you
could say. ]
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WHEN DRESSING WOUNDS...
--------------------
OK, so the previous study proved that only men were
affected. But it's not like women get off free on these things.
And, for the female part of the audience, the effects might be
even harder to avoid.
A Canadian study showed that women there who read fashion
magazines were far more depressed than women who didn't. It
turns out that the sight of all those skinny models makes women
suffer more from low self-esteem, inadequacy - even hostility.
This is a problem that most women already recognized, but, until
now, it had never been proven scientifically. Not that there's
going to be an easy fix.
"If you like clothes and if you like makeup and fashion, the
only way you're going to get those magazines is to tolerate these
skinny models, because what else are you going to buy?," said
Leora Pinhas, a psychiatrist and the author of the study
published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders.
(Reuters)
[ I suppose the odds are against the fashion
companies hiring any great number of chunky,
homely women to model their stuff? ]
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COULDN'T YOU JUST DYE?
----------------------
The old hair coloring ads use to ask, "Is it true blondes
have more fun?"
They might, but someone else will have to foot the bills.
A study by the Reykjavik Commercial Workers Union in Iceland
surveyed its members last October. Blondes are not going to like
this - not even the true blondes.
Blondes may not be dumb, but they do earn less - 10% less on
average when compared to women with light or medium brown hair.
Besides that, taller women were found to earn more than shorter
women.
No one is quite sure why, but until all the answers are
in, the best advice is to go mousy brown and wear heels. Think
of it as an investment. (Reuters)
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KEY FACTS
---------
It may be obvious to anyone who cares to think about it, but
prison is not a great place to be. To help improve things, the
Canadian government appointed a task force to suggest changes.
Their recommendations were, to put it mildly, not exactly in line
with what they bureau of prisons had in mind. Among the
suggested changes:
- Eliminate the razor wire and fences around the prisons.
- Let inmates choose and prepare their own meals.
- Give inmates keys to their cells.
"We strongly believe that real safety is not achieved
through the construction of traditional cell blocks with long
ranges, barriers and armed posts," the report said. (Reuters)
[ And exactly how would that differ from your
average motel? ]
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THE PLANE FACTS
---------------
Legend had it that British pilots during the 1982 Falklands
War discovered that great groups of penguins became so fascinated
watching the planes fly over that they would all fall over
backwards simultaneously as the plane passed overhead.
Naturally, a study from the British Antarctic Survey just had to
check on this oddity. How they got paid for it, I'll never know.
So, do penguins topple over when they peer into the sky
watching planes and helicopters fly over?
Answer? No.
Environmental research scientist Richard Stone spent five
weeks watching helicopters fly over two King Penguin colonies in
the Antarctic, studying their effect on more than 1,000 birds.
"We saw birds moving away from the noise (of helicopters and
planes)," he said. "Not a single bird fell over after 17
flights. Some birds waddled away from the helicopters. Others
became quiet. A few minutes later, they waddled back."
"We don't know if it's the noise or the visual aspect --
whether it looks like a potential predator," Stone said.
(Reuters)
[ I think I sense another study coming on. ]
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PERIL IN ORANGE AND GREEN
-------------------------
Thousands of years ago, before any notion of proper
scientific research, people had various taboos and warnings about
certain foods and medicinal plants. Some of these were
considered to have big magic, and would be eaten to ensure good
health, though there was no way to know whether they really
helped or not.
Nowadays, it seems like every week, someone is coming out
with a new study that purports to show that this common food is
good and something else is bad. Which, I guess, means that
things haven't really changed in all of the centuries, except for
the method of advertising. Oatmeal, tofu, blackstrap molasses,
garlic - all have come and gone as health food fads whose claims
evaporated in proper, well-designed tests.
How does this work? Well, try out these claims from a study
done recently by the *S.G.I.R.C. on the dangers of one common
vegetable. Consider these facts:
- Nearly all sick people have eaten carrots, Obviously, the
effects are cumulative.
- An estimated 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer
have eaten carrots.
- The Vitamin A contained in carrots is poisonous in large
doses.
- Some 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents come from homes
where carrots are served frequently.
- Nearly 100% of people involved in auto accidents ate carrots
within 60 days before the accident.
- Among the people born in 1839 who later dined on carrots,
there has been a 100 percent mortality rate.
- All carrot eaters born between 1900 and 1910 have wrinkled
skin, brittle bones, few teeth, and failing eyesight ...
assuming the perils of carrot consumption have not already
caused their deaths.
- Thanks for the help of the Miner
Institute, Chazy, New York
* SUNFUN Gullibility Index Research Council
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HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
-------------------------
Efficiency! That's what most of these studies are really
about. Doing more with less just makes sense, right? So all you
beer drinkers out there should lose the beards and mustaches.
Especially you men.
Researchers working for the Guinness Brewery noticed that it
was a common sight to see men in British pubs wiping the froth
from their mustaches. Being very either curious or very bored,
they decided to look into how much of their fine product gets
lost that way every year.
More than they thought. Way more.
Careful analysis determined that the estimated 92,370
facially hairy Guinness drinkers soak up an incredible 162,719
pints (better than 80,000 liters) of wearable beer per year.
This amounts to just about one pint per mustache every year.
"A genuine mustache has been proven to contribute to a
significant Guinness wastage, as a result of inter-fiber
retention at every sip," the company said in a statement released
last year. Scientific sounding, isn't it? They've really got
that jargon down.
In the further interest of scientific accuracy, the company
did say that the actual amount of stored suds varies with the
amount and density of chin fuzz, with full, heavy bearded folks
losing the most. (Reuters)
[ Of course, another way of looking at it is
that, while saving or razor blades, these
guys are maintaining a beer reserve in case
of hard times. ]
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WANT TO LIVE LONGER? THINGS ARE LOOKING UP!
-------------------------------------------
The famous Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota has been
looking into ways of making people live longer. So they have
spent a fair amount of time and money studying nearly 1,000 long-
lived Minnesotans to find the secret to the fountain of youth.
Surprisingly they have come up with some very simple answers.
"It confirmed our common-sense belief," said Toshihiko
Maruta, a psychiatrist who was the lead researcher in the
project.
So, what is the secret of long life? About 30 years ago,
scientists conducted psychological surveys trying to determine
how people dealt with various traumatic life events, classifying
the people as optimists or pessimists.
In looking at the test subjects 30 years later and comparing
them against their expected survival rates, the researchers found
that those classified as optimists had a significantly better
survival rate while there was a 19 percent increase in the risk
of death for the pessimists.
The report, published in the February, 2000 issue of the
Mayo Clinic Proceedings, did not try to explain why positive
attitude was equated with longevity. It said it may be that
optimists may be less likely to develop feelings of depression
and helplessness.
Whatever the case, people who are able to laugh things off
are far less likely to cash in their chips early. (Reuters)
[ See! Scientific studies by a major
research facility prove: Sunday Funnies,
taken regularly, will help you live longer. ]
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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