Greetings, My Respected Friends,
One of the rarest of human talents is the ability to
generate a really snappy comeback after receiving a verbal
insult. Most of us eventually come up with SOMETHING great to
say, but that tends to be hours - or even days - later. Even
rarer is the ability to say something insulting and funny at the
same time. Naturally, this is a talent most often found in
comedians.
The late Groucho Marx was an established master at this
skill, to the point where he was so funny that the people on the
receiving end didn't even know they had been wounded. Take the
fancy social club that wanted Marx to join, just so they could
use his name in their advertising. He wrote them:
Gentlemen:
I would not belong to any club that would have me
as a member.
Groucho Marx
Insult comedian Don Rickles, who was doing his act in Las
Vegas one night when Frank Sinatra entered the lounge and about
half the audience turned to look. Somewhat irked by this,
Rickles got the audience back with:
"And there's Frank Sinatra. When you enter a room, you
have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in
his back pocket."
Fortunately for Rickles, Sinatra found this hysterical, or
the commedian's Las Vegas career from then on might have involved
lots of work with a wet mop. Being nasty in the best possible
way isn't all that easy. It's a balancing act, at best.
Thanks this week to all of our friends and supporters,
especially: Jerry Taff, Caterina Sukup, The Petersons, Jan
Michalski, Brian Siegl, Tim McChain, Sharon Nuernberg, Judy
McCallum, Charles Beckman, Gerry & Nancy Wohlge, Peter Adler,
Carol J. Becwar, Phil Hudgins, R.J. Tully, Kerry Miller and
Fumiko Umino. While it may often be the best advice to say
nothing if you can't say something good, you'd have to say that
some of these are pretty bad - and good - at the same time.
Have A Respectful Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
AMTRAK PROMOTIONS - THINGS ARE GETTING UGLY
-------------------------------------------
Amtrak has been working hard to promote their new Pacific
Surfliner service in California. Now, maybe it's because it IS
California that I don't understand how their billboards would
attract many customers. Their new promotional campaign?
"Your face could stop a train."
As part of this ad campaign, Amtrak is holding a contest in
which the winner will win $5,000 towards plastic surgery. (see
www.winafacelift.com) (Trains Magazine)
[ I think when critics said that Amtrak
service needed a facelift, they didn't quite
have this in mind. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
SLAMS AT WORK...
-------------
Boring business meetings. Unreasonable bosses. All the
usual frustrations of trying to do too much work in too little
time. There are things we all wish we could say at work, but
don't, for mostly political reasons. But if we could...
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
- I can see your point, but I still think you're meaningless.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- You sound really reasonable... Must be time to up my
medication.
- If I throw a stick, will you go chase it?
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
BUT IT'S IN THE BOOK!
--------------------
The newly-revised version of the famous Oxford Dictionary of
Quotations is out. And it has raised a few eyebrows from English
scholars around the world. Nestled in among the great quotations
from the likes of Shakespeare, Churchill, Dickens and Lord Byron
is the deathless phrase, "Eat my shorts!" by one Bart Simpson.
Even scholars who consider that "What's up, Doc?" is a
legitimate expression important to Western culture have a little
trouble with Bart. But the dons of Oxford make a career out of
being unflappable.
"The unprecedented rise in new quotations entering the
dictionary challenges the traditional views that good writing is
the only true source of quotations," they wrote.
The new edition also includes quotes from Madonna and Elton
John, though their recorded statements aren't quite so
inflammatory. (Reuters)
[ And if the next edition lists the phrase
"You're the weak link," I'm going to start
writing these things in a more respectable
language, like Pig-Latin. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
TRASH TV SECTION...
----------------
All of those crummy, riot-baiting "talk" shows are pretty
horrible, but maybe not as bad as what the show hosts say about
each other:
"Jerry is a car wreck on the information superhighway ...
You slow down and roll down the window, hoping you might see
something you know you shouldn't."
- Talk show host Montel Williams on
day-time talk show rival Jerry
Springer.
----------
"As offensive as I find her views, she's got to be
protected."
- TV talk show host Jerry Springer,
on controversial radio moralist
Laura Schlessinger.
----------
"I would never watch my show. I'm not interested in it."
- talk show host Jerry Springer.
[ Obviously, the key to his success is
respect for his audience. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"Now the freaks are on television, the freaks are in the
movies. And it's no longer the sideshow, it's the whole
show." - veteran comedian Jonathan Winters,
on trash talk shows.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE SLAM GALLERY - FAMOUS AND NOT SO FAMOUS PUT-DOWNS
-----------------------------------------------------
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people
in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
- Richard Jeni
----------
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
----------
"I think there should be a school for teaching people how to
accept awards. You know, you don't get up there and cry and
carry on like you just cured cancer."
- "Ally McBeal" star Calista
Flockhart
----------
"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with
the attention span of Daffy Duck."
- Tom Shales on actor Robin Williams
----------
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and give her a house."
- Lewis Grizzard on his failed
marriages
----------
"Try interviewing her sometime. It's like taking to a
window."
- Bryant Gumbel of TV's "Today Show,"
on model and ex-wife of Mick Jagger
Jerry Hall
----------
"Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
- Famous results of Fred Astaire's
first screen test
----------
"Ah, Mozart! He was happily married -- but his wife
wasn't."
- Victor Borge on Mozart
----------
"I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung
up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the
panes of glass with its claws."
- Charles Baudelaire on the music of
Richard Wagner
----------
"Boy George is all England needs -- another queen who can't
dress."
- Joan Rivers
----------
"He would cut the cards if he was playing poker with his
mother."
- A White House reporter describing
President Jimmy Carter
----------
"Senor Dali, born delirious,
Considers it folly to be serious."
- Phyllis McGinley on Spanish Painter
Salvadore Dali
----------
"What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with
a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
- Ronald Reagan, president and star
of "Bedtime for Bonzo," on Clint
Eastwood's successful bid for mayor
of Carmel, California.
----------
"If Hitler were to invade Hell, I would find occasion to
make a favorable reference to the devil."
- Winston Churchill
----------
"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressman
can."
- Mark Twain
----------
"Calvin Coolidge didn't say much - and when he did he didn't
say much."
- Will Rogers
----------
"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
- Greek playwright Aristophanes (c.
400 BC )
----------
"The media is backing off Dan Quayle. They're afraid of
another backlash. So they're only asking him questions they
think he can handle. Like, how many teams are in the Big
10?"
- political satirist Mark Russell in
1989
----------
"Say what you will, when Dan Quayle was in the National
Guard, not one Viet Cong got past Muncie, Indiana."
- Jay Leno, talk show host
----------
"Hands off the threads creep"
- Classy comment by Singer Frank
Sinatra, to the always effusive
Democratic presidential candidate
Hubert Humphrey, who tugged at his
sleeve.
----------
"In America only the successful writer is important, in
France all writers are important, in England no writer is
important, and in Australia you have to explain what a
writer is."
- Geoffrey Cottreli, writer
----------
"I have often called him the village idiot. I apologize to
all the village idiots of America. He's the nation's
idiot."
- Charlie Finley, former owner of the
Oakland A's, explaining why he had
changed what he called former
baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn
----------
"He couldn't hit a curveball with an ironing board."
- Bob Feller, Baseball Hall of Fame
pitcher, on basketball star Michael
Jordan's bid to play for the
Chicago White Sox
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
FREEDOM OF WHAT?
---------------
Things have been plenty tough in Sri Lanka over the past
couple of decades, with a bloody civil war between the government
and separatist Tamil rebels. This has led to the country
enacting strict emergency laws, making it an offense to even
criticize the government.
As if to underscore that point, a man was arrested in the
Sri Lankan capitol of Columbo for his comments during a phone-in
talk show. President Chandrika Kumaratunga was appearing on the
show, and apparently the caller said something unkind about the
president.
"The caller said a most uncomplimentary thing about the
President's private life and by the time we cut him off the
damage was done," said an official of the state-owned Lakhanda
radio which aired the Sunday morning Sinhala language talk show.
While this probably wouldn't even rate mention in the U.S.,
it is big trouble in Sri Lanka.
"There are lots of laws we can charge him under," said an
officer at Colombo's police station. "At the moment we are
looking at booking him for criminal defamation under the penal
code." (Reuters)
[ I guess that explains why Rush Limbaugh's
and Howard Stern's shows aren't heard in Sri
Lanka... ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE SILENT SLAM...
---------------
Small town people here in Wisconsin have their own ways of
getting back at people without all of the fussing that city folk
engage in. In one small town up north, Joan, the town gossip and
self-appointed supervisor of the small town's morals, loudly
accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic at a PTA
meeting. Naturally, she was hoping to make a big fuss and
embarrass him in front of all the neighbors. Her accusation, as
it turned out, was based only on the evidence that she saw his
distinctively-painted pickup truck parked outside the town's only
bar.
George glared at her for a moment, but said nothing.
Later that night, he parked his pickup truck in front of her
house on the town's busiest street, locked it and quietly walked
home.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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