ROMANTIC SEMANTICS

Words Between Men & Women

Greetings SUNFUNers,
     We've been to a few weddings lately, and a few wedding
anniversaries, too.  Examining all of these relationships got me
to thinking about the dozens of books you see in bookstores that
claim things like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"  or
"Men Say, Women Say."  What we can determine from these books is
that the authors big idea is to find some new and colorful way to
say that men and women are different.
     Stop the presses!  Hey, everybody!  Did you know that Men
and Women are DIFFERENT?  Right...  Not exactly a brilliant,
life-changing revelation.  And Mars and Venus?  No, the real
situation isn't anywhere near that simple.
     Men and women have such radically different world views that
it is sometimes difficult to agree on the most basic terms of
understanding.  Next to this, negotiating a fair and lasting
peace in the Middle East is kindergarten stuff.  Uncountable
thousands of graduate studies have been written on the simple
fact that, seeing exactly the same actions or emotions, men and
women react in completely different ways.
     This is so obvious it is even easy to see in a simple, home
version without zillion dollar federal grants; all you really
need to do is apply the "Stooge's Test."  The experiment is a
simple one: have a man and a woman watch a Three Stooges movie. 
The man will laugh like a lunatic at the trio of saps and the
moronic situations they get into, feeling vastly superior in
comprehension and cognitive ability to the Stooges.  Admittedly,
feeling superior to the Stooges isn't much of an intelligence
test, and anyone with more than a half-dozen functioning brain
cells could probably pass on a good day.  Why males should find
this so funny and satisfying is still unknown.  Women, on the
other hand, will see the Stooges as three middle-aged shlubs with
bad attitudes (and worse haircuts) beating the snot out of each
other.  They don't laugh.  There would probably be a Nobel prize
in figuring out why.
     Everything I understand about women flows from this -- and,
after a few decades of careful observation, reflection and study,
the truths I've really understood about women nearly fill a 3x5
index card.
     Thanks this week to the usual crew of friends, contributors
and Three Stooges fans, especially:  Jerry Taff, Laura Hong Lee,
Tim McChain, Jack & Sherrie Gervais, Jan Michalski, Carol J.
Becwar, Junji Taniguchi, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer, Chuck Maray,
Sharon Nuernburg, Bruce Gonzo, Eva Lu Yu-Hwa, Peter J. Adler,
Ellen Peterson, Alison Becwar, Joshua Brink, Anna Macareno and
Linda Augsburg-Stirratt.  I should mention that even my dear
bride Carol doesn't get the Stooges, though I know she has a
famously good sense of humor.  She has to -- after all, she's put
up with me all these years...
     Have A Great Week,


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     "If women didn't exist, all the money in the world
     would have no meaning."
                            - Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975),
                              famous rich guy and womanizer

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VIRTUALLY HAPPY...
---------------
     We've spoken before in SUNFUN of the stresses of being a
royal in the glare of modern media.  How much easier it must have
been in the old days when offending journalists could be thrown
into some convenient dungeon or be banished from the country. 
These days, it is almost as tough to be a royal prince as to be a
rock star.
     That was brought home again recently when we heard that one
official photograph the marriage of England's Prince Edward to
Sophie Rhys-Jones was a fake.  In the offending photo, Prince
William looked decidedly glum, which was held to be not at all in
keeping with the spirit of the event.  One thing that has
improved for the old days is that even the royal family can use
modern technology to make whatever reality they want.  So the
prince's sullen glare was converted into a beaming smile with a
little digital cutting and pasting.
     "Prince Edward said he didn't think Prince William looked
absolutely his best, so digitally we were able to put in another
picture of Prince William from one of the other shots," admitted
royal photographer Sir Geoffrey Shakerley.
     A spokesman for Prince Willy denied that the queen's
grandson was miserable on the wedding day.
     "It was just unfortunate," the spokesman said.  (Reuters)
     [ But there are limits, of course.  For one thing, the
     royal family has rejected outright the suggestion that
     they do something about the appearance of the queen. ]


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     "Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife
     wasn't."
                            - Victor Borge


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GIFT HORSES?  STRANGE WEDDING PRESENTS...
--------------------------------------
     Some people agonize over wedding presents, and give their
selection careful thought and consideration.  They ponder just
what would be useful and appropriate for the young couple, and
consult bridal registries or ask relatives to be sure the
newlyweds are getting something they can really use.  And then,
there are gifts like these.  What these people were thinking, I
dunno, but here are some strange gifts that some folks around the
web received for their weddings:

   - A bag of 100 wash cloths

   - A kind of keychain too big to fit in pocket or purse

   - A bag of potting soil mix

   - A box of legal-size hanging file folders

   - A bucket of sand

   - A cat door (for a couple that didn't own a cat)

   - Cellophane tape and staples

   - A diary for 1991 (in 1993)

   - An exquisitely wrapped house-brick

   - A hat rack

   - His and hers dishwashing liquid.

   - A map of West Brazil

   - A modern art sculpture made of plastic that resembled a pile
     of poop.

   - A nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper

   - One shoe (left, man's, wrong size)

   - A silver plated yo-yo

   - A towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.

   - A tow rope for towing cars

   - A twenty-pound plaster Christmas ornament


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     "If ever I was miscast in my life it was in the role of
     husband. It was very unfair on the women."
                            - veteran Irish actor RICHARD HARRIS,
                              in a Daily Telegraph interview,
                              reflecting on the failure of his
                              two marriages. 


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MEN OF IRON...
-----------
     Women often complain that men manage to get through large
parts of their lives without ever bothering to learn the basic
domestic survival skills women take for granted.  Up until now,
there has been no easy way for men to pick up these missing
crafts around the house without making serious messes and
otherwise driving their mates crazy.
     To fill this gap, a technical training school in Vienna,
Austria has designed a special course for men who are hopeless
around the house.  For only 200 schillings (just under $16), the
course at the Hietzing Volkshochschule introduces male novices to
the basics of domestic tranquility with male instructors
schooling guys on ironing their own clothes.
     The school even features an advanced course for 1,700
schillings.  That graduate level includes sorting laundry,
washing, ironing, basic cooking and dress sense.  The extra
course even includes a diploma.  (Reuters)


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     "Why does a woman work for years to change a man's
     habits, and then complain that he's not the man she
     married?"
                            - Barbara Streisand


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WHEN THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG...
------------------------------
     Two shy lovers in England planned a romantic secret wedding
last month.  To keep their elopement secret, Jane Tooze and
Andrew Davies even planned to marry far from home at romantic
Skibo castle in Scotland to help keep their plans quiet.
     But their clandestine Christmas Eve ceremony was instead
advertised in newspapers and on television around the world.  It
so happened that the shy couples' names appeared on the same
"intended marriage" list as pop superstar Madonna and her fiance,
film director Guy Richie.
     "It now looks like we may have to make a few phone calls to
family and friends beforehand...  We certainly didn't -- and
don't -- want publicity," Jane Tooze told London's Sun newspaper
before the wedding.  (Reuters)


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     "Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper."
                            - Scottish Proverb


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HARD SELL...
---------
     Marriage is scary for some people because it involves
commitment.  Of course, insanity also involves commitment, but
that isn't the subject of this edition of Funnies.  No, I mean
that not everyone is ready for marriage right away.
     One person that was a little slow to decide was Beverly
Redman; the forty-year-old from England had a long term
relationship with her partner, Keith, but just couldn't make up
her mind about marriage.
     But Keith was both patient and persistent, not that he
didn't keep track of his failed proposals.  Finally, after
hundreds of romantic candlelit meals, trips to exotic places and
even asking for her hand out of the blue while watching TV,
Beverly finally said yes.  And it only took 24 years and
approximately 8,500 proposals.
     "I was frightened of committing myself.  People who live
together for a long time often end up getting divorced soon after
they get married, and I didn't want that to happen," Beverly
said.
     The couple, who have a four-year-old son Liam, married last
February and honeymooned in Hawaii. (Reuters)
     [ A four-year-old son?  So, obviously, Keith can talk
     her into SOME things... ]


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     By the way, 24 years may sound like a long time, but it
     isn't anywhere near the record.  According to the
     "Guinness Book of World Records," the longest
     engagement was between Octavio Guillen and Adriana
     Martinez of Mexico, who took 67 years to make sure they
     were right for each other.


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     "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;
     the older she gets the more interested he is in her."
                            - Agatha Christie 

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COPS: UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL...
---------------------------
     Men and women generally have different likes and dislikes. 
Just recently on TV here in the states, there has been a rise in
the popularity of "reality" shows.  These are far more popular
with men than women.
     And men like to listen to police radios more than women, as
well.  Just last month, a man in Kenosha, Wisconsin was listening
to his police scanner when he picked up the sounds of an ongoing
chase.  Police were following a driver in a pickup truck who was
zig-zagging through residential neighborhoods trying to lose
them.
     The guy was really enjoying the chase until he slowly
realized that the vehicle was his truck and the fleeing driver
was his wife.
     Police eventually caught the 38-year-old woman and booked
her on charges of drunken driving, fleeing, driving over the
center line and her fourth offense of operating after license
revocation, according to police reports.  The driver said she was
afraid to stop because she had already been convected of drunk
driving a few months earlier.
     Alerted by the police radio, the husband was there at the
jail shortly after his wife was brought in -- to retrieve the
keys to the truck.  He refused to pay his wife's $1,000 bail.
     "He said, 'You can keep her,'" according to police Officer
Paul Torres.  (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)


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     "Never go to bed angry.  Stay up and fight."
                            - Phyllis Diller



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I'LL NEVER FORGET...
-----------------
     While over at an old friend's house for dinner, Al noticed
that Joe always used pet names for his wife just like newlyweds,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
     "I think that's really sweet how you use those cute names,
even though you folks have been married almost 40 years," Al
said.
     Joe hung his head sadly, "To tell you the truth, Al, I
forgot her name about three years ago..."


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     "Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
                            - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)


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