Greetings, Millennialists!
You want odd? Well we've got it! A year that starts with
Y2K and ends with hanging chad just HAS to be pretty strange. I
don't know who Chad is, but there certainly were lots of folks
out there looking to hang him. I suppose the next "000" year --
3000 -- will be weird, too. Not that we'll have to worry much
about that one.
This was the year the "New Economy" proved it was an awful
lot like the Old Economy - it could go down as well as up. The
state of Missouri elected a dead man for Senator. Pets.com spent
$29 million in advertising to make their sock puppet character a
cultural phenomenon, then went out of business because they
weren't selling anything but sock puppets. John Travolta, who
spent nearly 20 years getting his career moving again, made a
movie so jaw-droppingly stupid that it makes "Moment To Moment,"
his previous dumbest movie, look like "Casablanca."
Then there was the U.S. presidential election. Was THAT odd
enough for everyone? It certainly represents a change... For
eight years now, we've had a smart guy for president who often
did really stupid things. You might say that he was a Rhode's
scholar with his mind in the gutter. I suppose it is now worth
the experiment to see if a fairly stupid president will somehow
act smarter.
Now, some of you may criticize my depicting George W. Bush
as being a bit dim. I tried desperately to find a complimentary
quote from someplace praising Bush's intelligence and sagacity.
In a search of all of the web and many print sources, the closest
I could come was a conservative Republican website that lauded
Bush for being "smarter than Dan Quayle." Pretty low-key praise,
in my humble opinion. Isn't that a little like being called
sexier than Pauly Shore? Or more honorable than Richard Nixon?
When it comes time for you to praise SUNFUN, I sure hope you can
do better than "...it's much funnier than Wall Street Week."
Thanks this week to: Tomoko Naito, Helen Yee, Laura Hong Li,
Jerry Taff, Caterina & Jim Sukup, Fumiko S. David, Jack & Sherrie
Gervais, Tim McChain, Jan Michalski, Bruce Gonzo, Anna Macareno,
Linda Augsburg Stirratt, Carol J. Becwar, Ellen Peterson, Paul
Roser and Hiromi Yamamoto. What will this year bring? While
it's hard to think that it could be as odd as 2000, we've been
surprised before. At least it keeps things interesting...
Have An Odd (But Fun!) Week,
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
LIVING IN A STATE OF CONFUSION
------------------------------
Florida. Any questions?
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
WRITE-IN WRONGS
---------------
Maybe even more interesting than who was elected president
are the vast number who weren't. Here in these United States,
voters are allowed to write in any candidate they wish in an
election, even people who aren't running.
It's possible that these odd votes might be cast in protest,
or perhaps these voters are missing a few lug nuts. Whatever the
case, an amazing assortment of unusual folks received votes here
in Milwaukee County, Wisconsin in last November's election.
Barbara Dole got a few votes, though she was not running for
anything. Bob Dylan got some votes, too. The thought of that
slightly off-key poet as president seems pretty bizarre. Same
for Frank Zappa, who also got a vote or two, despite being
slightly dead.
And there were the usual "comic" votes for Mickey Mouse,
Elmer Fudd, Bozo the Clown and local celebrity Boston Terrier,
Spunky the Channel 6 weather dog (who got one vote for State
Assembly). Besides belonging to another species, Spunky might
be too intelligent to be a politician, since he is smart enough
to come in out of the rain.
Others who got votes might be harder to find, such as:
Cletus McCrackworth, Big Don, Sleazy P. Martini, Joe Mama, Rufus
T. Firefly, Mini-Me, someone honest, Big Booty Babes, Max the dog
and Miss December. (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)
[ And remember... A vote for Miss December
is a vote for Silicone Valley. ]
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
VERSATILITY
-----------
Seamus McSporran, who lives on the picturesque island of
Gigha off the coast of Scotland, would really like to retire
sometime soon. Normally that wouldn't be a serious problem, but
folks on the island are wondering how they can possibly get by
without him. In a remote, tiny village with only 100 residents,
it is not unusual for one person to do a few different jobs. The
hardy McSporran takes that further than most, acting
simultaneously as the village shopkeeper, rent collector,
postman, police officer, insurance agent, harbor master,
registrar, fire chief, paramedic, school bus driver, hotel owner,
gas station attendant, taxi driver and undertaker.
Needless to say, the search for someone with the drive and
qualifications to take on the 14 jobs and 15-hour days is
proceeding slowly.
"It will take some time to sort out a successor and get
myself retired, so I may well be aged 65 before I give up work,"
McSporran said. (Reuters)
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
DOGGED DETERMINATION
--------------------
His name says it all, Steve "The Terminator" Keiner.
The 391 pound (178kg) Atlantic City resident was the
reigning champion in the annual Nathan's Famous hot dog-eating
contest held at Coney Island last Fourth of July. The dog
downers compete for the coveted yellow belt and red trophy, which
has been awarded to Nathan's top tube steak glutton every year
since 1916. In his 1999 win, Keiner downed over 21 dogs with
buns in 12 minutes, which could convince anyone to stay out of
Steve's way when he's eating.
Believe it or not, the large-economy-sized Keiner lost last
year's eating contest to a competitor who slugged down an amazing
25 hot dogs at a rate of more than two per minute. Even
stranger, 2000's big dog was Kazutoyo Arai, a 32-year-old
Japanese mattress salesman who weighs nearly 100 pounds (45 kg).
Arai claims that the secret is training - he'd been working
hard at eating large all year and said that he'd eaten enough
"Chinese food for 10 people" just the night before the contest.
And Arai promised he'd be back again in 2001 to defend his title.
(Reuters)
[ He eats like that and only weighs 100
pounds?! The guy must be burning enough
calories to heat a six-unit apartment
building. ]
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
ODDEST ETHNIC FASHION TREND
---------------------------
Kilts are in, at least for Scots. Mel Gibson made them
political. Sean Connery made them an elegant fashion statement.
Now, a young fashion designer in Scotland is making waves up
and down the gloaming with a popular line of 21st Century kilts
-- like kilts in PVC, fake leather and leopard-prints. Some of
these even feature pockets for mobile phones and an inside pocket
for credit cards or zip-on pockets to hold water bottles.
Edinburgh-based designer Howie Nicholsby says that he's been very
happy with the response.
"The kilt is only around 200 years old and was originally
designed for day wear, so I'm just making it what it was always
meant to be. Scotland can't keep living under the shortbread tin
tartan image," he said.
Which leaves us with the question of what to wear underneath
the kilts.
"That's a personal decision that every mature man has to
make for himself," Nicholsby said. (Reuters)
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
SOREST LOSER?
------------
Tired of paying for season tickets only to see his local
hockey team at the bottom of the standings, Anchorage Aces fan
Tim McCrory sued the team for breach of contract. The suit
alleges that Aces' owner, Michael Cusack, has been pinching
pennies and not properly paying or equipping the players. The
team has consistently been at the bottom of the ratings in the
West Coast Hockey League.
McCrory is demanding $2,500 reimbursement on his two season
tickets, plus unspecified compensation and punitive damages.
(Reuters)
[ If this works in court, the fans of the
Chicago Cubs are going to be able to sue for
enough money to buy Luxembourg. ]
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
ART IMITATES LIFE
-----------------
According to a Moroccan newspaper, film director Mohamed
Ismail hired 70 extras for his film depicting the lives of
desperate, North African illegal immigrants who risk their lives
crossing the Mediterranean in leaky boats to search for better
jobs and living conditions in Europe.
Things went fine for a time until the director arrived on
the set one morning last summer to find his movie's rickety boats
and the extras gone. You guessed it -- the missing extras had
sailed the leaky boats to Spain in search of better jobs and
working conditions. (Reuters)
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
BUREAUCRACY AT WORK
-------------------
The world was shocked by the millions left homeless in the
wake of the cyclone that struck India in October of 1999.
Naturally, the Indian government set right to work, ordering 60
million rupees ($1.37 million) worth of blankets for the
suffering masses.
All well and good, but then the bureaucrats got involved
with meetings, committees, woolen specifications, etc. The
resulting delay meant that the first shipment of blankets finally
arrived last April.
By that time very few folks were lining up to get blankets,
even those who were still homeless. That's because temperatures
in that part of India had already hit 43 Celsius (109.4
Fahrenheit) and humidity in the districts along the coast was as
high as 92 percent. (Reuters)
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
LAWN DAY'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
-----------------------------
This could also be the award for the world's most unusual
record album...
A New Zealand man put out a CD in 2000 specifically aimed at
apartment dwellers with noisy neighbors. The Astroturf-covered
disk features a solid 64 minutes of lawnmower noise, with such
realistic sequences as emptying the catcher and the ever-popular
stones hitting the blade.
"If your neighbors have a party Saturday night fairly
late... what you do is you get up at seven o'clock in the
morning, put the hour of lawnmowing sound on and go out to a
cafe," said Wellington noise man and cafe owner Geoff Marsland.
Over 4,000 of the disks have already been snapped up by
retailers across New Zealand. (Reuters)
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
GOING THAT EXTRA STEP
---------------------
There is always extremely stiff competition for the oddest
criminal of the year award. This year's winners had to beat out
both the robber in Coventry, England armed only with a toaster
AND the bank bandit whose taxi getaway fell apart when he didn't
have change for the $8 for cab fare. Big losers -- ah -- winners
for 2000 are Brian Roper and Michael Green from Berwick,
Pennsylvania. According to police, these two geniuses borrowed a
car from a friend to use as their getaway vehicle in a planned
burglary. And that isn't even the stupid part.
After parking near the target house the pair broke in and
collected a computer, some cash and a couple of guns -- a total
of about $2500 in booty. That isn't the stupid part, either.
When they went back outside, the would-be burglars were
dismayed to find the car gone. They had left their getaway ride
in a no-parking zone and a neighbor had complained; the car had
been towed. Eureka! We've hit stupid.
The pair somehow figured out which towing company had picked
up the car and called the tow truck driver. They offered him one
of the stolen rifles in exchange for the missing car. They also
mentioned that they had lots more stuff they would deliver if he
just brought the car back.
Smelling a rat -- or a pair of them -- the tow truck driver
made the deal then immediately called the cops. Officers found
the two burglars waiting patiently at the curb for their car to
be returned.
[ At least they didn't have to wait for a
ride downtown... ]
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
THE FISHIEST STORY OF THE COLD WAR
----------------------------------
All through the Cold War, the Swedish Navy's secret
listening posts picked up the sounds of Soviet attack submarines
as they left their Russian bases on the way out to patrol. No
one ever knew whether the movements were routine, or whether it
might mean an attack. Unable to take the risk, the Swedes went
on alert after alert, particularly after a Soviet submarine ran
aground off the Swedish coast in 1981.
Curiously enough, even after the Soviet Union fell apart and
it was clear that nearly all of the U.S.S.R's sub fleet was at
the docks to save money, the Swedes still heard the same sounds.
Now scientists think they have found the answer... The
noise is actually made by herring, which make a noise virtually
identical to a submarine's propeller. Tests by the navy in 1999
showed the similarity between the sounds of submarines and fish,
concluding that "neither in future nor in the past can this sound
be taken as proof of enemy trespass." (Reuters)
[ And, if the Russians had really been using
the sounds of fish to cover their subs, it
would have been a red, Red herring, right? ]
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
SAPS AT SEA
-----------
Rarely do we have a tie at the Oddity Awards, but, this
year, more than one contestant proved to be captain outrageous
for the seagoing award.
Everyone has to have a dream, even if it's the bizarre plan
a group of Australian had morons to sail around the world. They
believed their biggest problem was that they didn't have enough
money for a proper boat, so they simply stole one. Actually,
their real problem was that no one on board had enough active
brain cells to plan for such a major cruise. These are people
you wouldn't quite trust to be able to navigate a Wall-Mart
parking lot, let alone the Pacific Ocean. None of them had any
sailing experience, either.
They were caught a bit short of their goal after crashing
the stolen luxury yacht into a pier about 400 meters (1/4 mile)
from where they started. Good thing for them they were caught,
as the six men and one woman had stocked the boat with only
liquor, cola, a library book on navigating by the stars, 60 cans
of baked beans and 1,000 condoms -- no fresh water and no food
apart from the beans. They were charged by authorities with
unlawful use of a vessel. (AP)
------
Another dream gone bad was the plan of 56-year-old Eric
Abbott to sail his homemade boat across the Irish Sea from Wales
to the Emerald Isle. Unfortunately, the unemployed painter has
few skills as a sailor and ran aground off the north coast of
Wales shortly after setting out. Described as "clueless" by his
rescuers, it was the 11th time -- and the second in 48 hours --
that the British coast guard had been called to rescue the
misbegotten mariner. Officers were not all that surprised to
find that Abbott was trying to find his way across the stormy
waters using only an out-of-date road map. After authorities
threatened to send him a bill for the $82,500 they've spent (so
far) fishing him out, Abbott agreed to take navigation lessons.
(Reuters)
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===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
LET'S PLAY NAVY
---------------
In a bid to save taxpayer money, the famous Royal Navy
gunnery school in Plymouth, England made headlines again last
year with a new and completely novel approach to naval training.
Gunnery trainees have been instructed to carefully check
co-ordinates, line up on the target and prepare to fire. On
receiving the captain's order to fire, the gunnery crew is to
shout, "Bang!" as loud as they can. And the sailors are pretty
disgusted that the same navy that defeated the Spanish Armada,
Napoleon at his best and the Germans in two world wars is reduced
to pretending like Cub Scouts in a canoe.
"It's like being a kid again, playing cowboys and Indians in
the school ground," one disgusted recruit said in an interview.
Admitting to their pretend practice, a Ministry of Defense
spokesperson explained, "This is part of the Armed Forces'
continuing efforts to achieve the best possible value for money."
(Reuters)
[ In this alternate reality Royal Navy, Eric
Abbott (above) is an Admiral. ]
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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