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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #230 - 01/07/2001

ERROR MASSAGES

What To Do When You Don't YAHOO!

Greetings, Fellow Users!
     When I first started doing SUNFUN -- now over two hundred
(!!) -- weeks ago, I sort of had the idea that online humor would
be a little more techie and computer-oriented.  Instead, this
Funnies thing has grown to cover a great many different subjects. 
So, once in a while we have to get back to the roots of this
silly thing, even if it may seem to some like calling you on the
phone to joke about telephone technology.
     I was reminded the other evening of just how long the siren
call of the modems has been singing to me...  A billing error
with my Internet provider caused me to go back into the SUNFUN
Archives and I found my first online setup documents - from 1981. 
(In computer terms that is about the late Jurassic period).
     Besides the thought "Why do I still keep this junk?", that
little paper took me back to an earlier age, when getting
connected at all was an accomplishment.  Maybe it's a side effect
of having been on the "information superhighway" since it was the
more like the computer cow path, but there are days I miss that
ancient Commodore 64 and 300 baud modem.  For one thing, you
could read the one or two Emails you received per week in real
time as they scrolled up the screen; the characters came in so
slowly that you could almost see each one plop onto the
40-character-wide screen.  Faster is most always better, and the
computer I'm using these days is over 500 times faster that the
old Commodore.
     One thing that has definitely changed for the worse is the
"human interface" part of computing.   When you called a help
line back in the old days, you actually got a real, live
technician who could help - and usually on the first call.  Now
you have to consider yourself lucky if you are just on hold that
long, only to get a "service rep" who knows almost as much about
modem setup strings as the average Maori tribesman knows about
quantum mechanics.  This is what we call progress.
     In a strange way, our information superhighway is not all
that different from non-virtual highways; we pave them smooth and
make them wider and simpler to use so we can go faster, only to
find increasing tolls and traffic jams from all the additional
people using it.
     Even with the occasional traffic jams, this worldwide
network is still a continuing miracle.  For one thing, it lets us
hear from friends all across the globe.  More to the point, we
can always say hello and thanks to all of our friends and
contributors, especially: Newlyweds Ryota & Waka Fukuda (nee'
Nishimura), Nnamdi Elleh, Jerry Taff, Fumiko Umino, Caterina
Sukup, Rosana Leung, Jan Michalski, Tim McChain, Paul Roser,
Emiko, Makiko and Etsuko Hori, The Macareno Family, Peter Adler,
Bruce Gonzo and Larry Sakar.  Hope all of your systems are
running smoothly and that your network connections are
optimized...
     Have A Digitally Enhanced Week,

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GOING ONE-BY-ONE...
----------------
     In case you think doing things in binary ones and zeros
(also known as true and false or yes and no) is anything like a
new idea, check this quote:

     "But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for
     whatsoever is more than these is a work of the devil."
                            - Gospel According to Matthew (5:37),
                              from the King James Bible

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COMPUTER LAW #1 - THE LAW OF UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES
----------------------------------------------------
     Years before any technology becomes practical for serious
work, it often shows up in games and toys.  Besides being the
30th anniversary of the Internet, most people didn't realize that
1999 also marked the 40th anniversary of the video game.  In
1959, Brookhaven National Laboratories put together a small
demonstration called "Tennis for Two."  Brookhaven was (and is)
better known for work in atomic research and missile launch
programs, but a lab scientist named William Higgenbotham made up
the game as a demonstration of the practical calculations
computers could make.  I guess they thought a demonstration of
their thermonuclear capabilities might unnerve some of the
visitors to the open house.
     The simple game was by far the most popular feature with
visitors to the lab, with hundreds of people lined up out into
the street to play the world's first computer game.  But after
the demonstration, the parts were dismantled and used for other
projects.  At the time, it just wasn't practical to use so much
computer power - millions of dollars worth - for a simple game.
     Except for an odd lawsuit, that's probably the last we would
have heard of Higgenbotham.  As computing power increased and
became cheaper in the late 1960's, Atari came out with the first
commercial video game, "Pong."  The Magnavox company promptly
dragged Atari into court, claiming they had patented the idea for
a video game a year or two earlier.
     As part of their defense, Atari dug up Higgenbottham, who
could demonstrate that he had made his video game over a decade
before Magnavox.  Atari won the case.  Which - ironically - sank
Atari in the long run.  The win in court meant that Atari
couldn't get a patent on the video game, either!


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     "If computers get too powerful, we can organize them
     into a committee -- that will do them in."
                            - Bradley's Bromide

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SHERLOCK.COM
------------
     Web searches allow you to find all sorts of incredible
things, from bargains on toys to commercial real estate.  And
while the value of the web is great, it still has kind of a
"wild-west" atmosphere, with a definite shortage of law and
order.
     But the web has the power to convert any of us into great
detectives, too.  Take the case of the 26-year-old Tokyo man
whose fancy sports car was stolen.  He went to the police, of
course, but they could only take a report and hope that the car
would show up by luck - most stolen cars in Japan are outfitted
with new registration numbers in order to "disappear."
     The Japanese amateur sleuth searched for his car by looking
for the cars of the same year and model as his stolen 1997
Porsche Boxter on car dealers' websites.  Of the 100,000 hits he
found, only 20 were Boxters and only one was close to the same
mileage as his.
     Police quickly located the hot Boxter on the dealer's lot. 
(Reuters)


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     If the automobile had followed the same development
     cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost
     $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once
     a year, killing everyone inside.
                            - Robert X. Cringely

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DOT'S DA PLACE...
--------------
     It's no halfway move, as last year the tiny town of Halfway,
Oregon voted to change its official name to Half.com.  The town
makes no secret of the fact that they did it just for the
publicity and a bit of cash.  Previously known mostly for cross-
country skiing and llama excursions, the town hopes to cash in by
being next to an off ramp on the information superhighway.
     "By changing our name to Half.com ... our community can
greatly benefit from the success of the Internet," Mayor Dick
Crow said.  "We hope that through this exposure we can develop a
number of cottage industries that will help our economic base
grow."
     The deal was worth an estimated $110,000 in Internet
expertise and hardware for the village of 345 inhabitants.  The
cash came from Internet e-seller Half.Com, which resells
overstocks and elderly computing equipment at half its original
price.
     While there was some early local opposition to the name
change, residents are getting used to being the world's first
non-virtual dot-com destination.  After all, as one resident
suggested, they can always change the name back.  (Reuters)
     [ The town is at:   http://town.half.com ]


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     "USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with
     diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect,
     awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of
     mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
     expect it."
                            - Gene Spafford

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LAND OF CONFUSION...
-----------------
     Leave it to the French...  Feeling continually threatened by
the flood of "English-based" slang from cyberspace, the French
National Academy keeps bailing and trying to pretend that people
are really going to call new web companies, "les start-up," by
anything as clumsy as "jeunes pousses d'enterprises" -- literally
"young sprouts of companies."
     The French language police are not only appalled by English,
they even hate the Quebec-French coinage for "Email", "courriel." 
In proper French, the Academy decrees, this will only be known as
a "message electronique."  Most French just say "mel," anyway.
     It's a curious and almost inexplicable backlash, but the
Academy is serious about it.  And they have the power to enforce
their decrees, at least to government publications and official
dictionaries.  A few of their government approved phrases have
caught on in France, such as "logiciel" for software and
"informatique" for computer science.  But both on "le Web" and in
the real world, the English slang seems to be winning overall. 
French dictionaries already define the official term "octet" with
its English equivalent -- byte.
     And when French President Jacques Chirac visited a group of
new web companies based near the Place de la Republic in Paris,
his press office announced it as a "visite des 12 start-up de
Republic Alley."  (Reuters)


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     "Computers are useless.  They can only give you
     answers."
                            - Painter Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

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TIMED FAILURE
-------------
   - "Some years ago, I worked as a developer for a banking
     software company.  One of the field consultants brought back
     this tale from one of the customer banks.

     It seems that every day at 9:00AM, all communications
     between the branch and the central office would crash.  The
     bank sent every tech that they could to check all the
     connections and terminals in the branch.  Finally it came
     time to check things out in the modem room and the
     consultant sent out a technician.

     "Sir, where is your modem room?," the tech asked the branch
     manager.

     "Modem?"

     "You know, the big flat box with lights in front that blink
     and lots of wires in back?" the tech asked hopefully.

     "Oh!" the manager brightened.  "You mean the donut warmer!

     It seems that every day at 8:30 the donut delivery guy came
     around, and since the modem gave off quite a bit of heat,
     they used it to keep the donuts warm.  Of course this
     covered the vents (on top in this model) and by 9:00 the
     modem was overheating and communications were garbage!
                            - from the web


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     "Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable
     from a feature."
                            - Rich Kulawiec

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LESSONS IN THE COMPUTER BUSINESS
---------------------------------
     - If restaurants functioned like Microsoft, based on
testimony in the Microsoft antitrust trial...


 Patron:  Waiter!
 Waiter:  Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. 
          What seems to be the problem?
 Patron:  There's a fly in my soup!
 Waiter:  Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
 Patron:  No, it's still there.
 Waiter:  Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it
          with a fork instead.
 Patron:  Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
 Waiter:  Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind
          of bowl are you using?
 Patron:  A SOUP bowl!
 Waiter:  Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
          problem; how was the bowl set up?
 Patron:  You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do
          with the fly in my soup?
 Waiter:  Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
          the fly in your soup?
 Patron:  I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
 Waiter:  Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the
          Day?
 Patron:  You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
 Waiter:  Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
 Patron:  Well, what is the Soup of the day now?
 Waiter:  The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
 Patron:  Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm
          running late now.
     [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup
     and the check.]
 Waiter:  Here you are, Sir.  The soup and your check.
 Patron:  But this is POTATO soup.
 Waiter:  Yes, sir - the tomato soup was still in beta testing. 
          It's not ready for release yet.
 Patron:  And -- Wait a minute, this soup already has crackers in
          it!  Soggy crackers!
 Waiter:  Of course, sir.  They're bundled. 
 Patron:  But I didn't want any crackers.
 Waiter:  But this latest soup is far more innovative.  It's got
          integrated crackers!  It's a benefit to the consumer.
 Patron:  Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
     [Waiter leaves.]

 Patron:  Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

-----------
     The bill:
          Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
          Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
          Delivery charge . . . . . . . . . . . $ 4.95
          Access to technical support . . . . . $10.00

     Note:
          Bug in the soup... included at no extra charge.  (will
          be fixed in the next major release of soup of the day)


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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.