OH, BABY!

Infant Humor & Other Kidstuff

Greetings, Parents!
     Around this time of the year, I'm usually going through the
Christmas cards, getting addresses and putting some of the cards
in the "write back" box, hoping that some day I'll actually have
the time to write back.  The biggest change from year to year is
seeing just how big all of my friend's kids are getting.  In
fact, some of the "kids" are married now, and have children of
their own.  It's almost enough to make me want to wrap up in a
shawl, take to the rocking chair and groove to Lawrence Welk
reruns while slugging down a six-pack of Geritol.
     Every parent has a few regrets along the way.  I, for one,
regret not starting earlier to save for my kids' college
education.  I see now that, if I'd started putting away a little
money each week, I could nearly afford to pay their college
expenses by now -- if I'd started sometime about 1823.
     Contrary to what everyone tells you, raising children is
very easy, except for those little periods of time when it is
completely impossible.  Typically, those times don't last more
than a few decades.  There is some irony in trying to pass along
your hard-won bits of wisdom to your kids and having them give
you that same look of utter teenage superiority as you gave your
parents.  The one that makes adults feel about as wise as one of
those crazed, drooling winos who wander through downtown mumbling
about how the chipmunks are plotting to take over the world.  I'm
told this effect passes by the time they are out of school, and
the kids again regard you as having nearly normal intelligence. 
It would certainly be nice if that happens some time before
approaching senility has us drooling on those little, furry
political conspirators.
     But the really great thing about being a parent, and the one
least understood by those who don't have kids of their own, is
that you learn so much from your kids.  At the same time you are
teaching them and helping them with their problems, they are
doing the same for you.  It is quite an education...  Why,
without kids, I'd never have learned that a single, small
lipstick can dye an entire load of wash shocking pink, that a
dead lantern battery can produce enough acid to eat completely
through a normal living room carpet, and that it really isn't a
good idea to try to ride on a ceiling fan.  I seriously doubt
that I would have learned any of these things on my own.
     Thanks and hello to all of our friends this week -- and
their kids, too.  Special SUNFUN thanks to:  Hiroe Sugiyama,
Catherine Cassidy, Miki & Junji Taniguchi, Jerry Taff, Dr. Eva Lu
Yu-Hwa, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer, Laura Hong Li, R.J. Tully,
Tadashi & Yuko Umezawa, Jim & Caterina Sukup, Harry Cherkinian,
Jan & Diane Michalski, Chuck Maray, Bruce Gonzo, Tim McChain,
John & Ellen Peterson and Anna Macareno.  Thanks to all of you --
and your kids -- as applicable.  
     Have A Great Week!


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UNEXPECTED HAZARDS DEPARTMENT...
-----------------------------
     Face it...  You really thought that the only real danger
from dirty diapers was the smell and that certain indefinable
gross-out factor.  Nope -- it gets worse.  To the point where
maybe diapers should be treated as hazardous waste.
     Some folks in Ennis, Texas sure found that out last July
when someone left a diaper inside of a plastic bag next to their
patio.  According to Ennis Fire Captain Gary Howell, after the
diaper sat for a few days in the hot sun, it burst into flame,
causing about $3,000 damage to the apartment building.  (AP)


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CHEERIOS, OR BUST!
-----------------
     When kids want something, tomorrow is just not an option. 
Even "later" is a foreign concept.
     So when seven-year-old Perley King of Tacoma, Washington
woke up to find that the family was out of his favorite cereal,
he took immediate action.  While other family members slept,
young Perley got in his sister's car and drove the three miles to
the supermarket, navigating some of Tacoma's busiest streets. 
Perley and his companion, a dog named bear, made it safely to the
store without hitting anything, relying on driving skills learned
from a computer game.
     Naturally, young Perley got in serious trouble for this, and
his driving privileges have been taken away for at least a decade
or so.  But all-in-all, the story came out OK -- on hearing how
much the kid likes his Cheerios, the manufacturer, General Mills,
promised young Perley a year's supply.  And a bicycle, too, in
case he needs to run out for milk.  (AP)
          [ Another potential cereal killer saved. ]


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RETRO TECH...
----------
          "My son came home from kindergarten on his first
     day of school very excited.  He told of all the new
     kids, the new toys, and all of the daily activities.  I
     asked if he was good for his teacher?   He replied,
     'Yes but this other kid wasn't.  She got in trouble for
     touching the teacher's radio thing.'
          "About then, my husband walked into the room, and I
     told the story as, 'Some kid got in trouble for touching the
     teacher's radio.'
          "'No, Mom!  The radio thing...  The thing that plays
     the BIG CD's,' my son corrected.
          "It was a record player and my son had no idea what it
     was.  Enough to make you roll your eyes and feel very old
     very fast."
                            - from the WEB...


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OH, BOY!
-------
     A three-year-old went with her dad to see a litter of
kittens.  On returning home, she breathlessly informed her mother
there were 2 girl kittens and 2 boy kittens.
     "How did you know?" her mom asked.
     "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," she replied,
"I think it's printed on the bottom."


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HAVING BURGERS WITH REGULARITY
------------------------------
     Many kids have distinct memories of their grade school
cafeterias.  Especially about that reddish, mystery meat product
that tasted like chicken and smelled like fish.  It's probably
some massive government coverup, but we still haven't been able
to figure out just what that was.
     And maybe things are even worse now, as cost-conscious
school boards experiment with cheaper fare.  Those efforts are
fully supported by large agribusiness concerns looking to expand
their markets.  And it can get very weird.
     How weird?  Well, several school districts in Colorado,
Maryland, California and New Hampshire have been experimenting
with a factory-made Prune Burger sponsored by our old friends at
the California Prune Board -- the same folks who wanted to rename
prunes "dried plums."  (See: SUNFUN #218  -  ALWAYS ON SUNDAY! of
10/15/2000)  The burgers are made of ground beef mixed with prune
puree, otherwise known as baby food.
     The school boards love to point out that the purple patties
are lower in fat and all natural -- something that would also be
true if they stretched the burger meat with sawdust.  Never
mentioned is the fact that prune costs significantly less than
actual meat, which helps their bottom line.  Putting on the best
face on the slightly slimy sandwiches, promoters of the bogus
burger claim success -- at least in their efforts to unload more
of the 200,000 tons of the giant raisins California produces each
year.
     "The one word everybody uses when they try them is juicy,"
prune board spokeswoman Peggy Castaldi said.  (Reuters)
          [ Just listen...  I'm sure the kids could
          teach you some other words. ]


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MOM ALWAYS REMEMBERS...
--------------------
     Moms are usually the ones who run the family scheduling
department, getting everyone to their events no matter how
complex the logistics might become.  It isn't uncommon for Dad to
return from the hardware store empty handed after forgetting the
single item he went to buy, but Mom can construct a 3-page
shopping list from memory, right down to the brand of lunchmeat
each member of the family prefers.
     Now it turns out that mother's superior ability to organize
isn't just a fluke.  Scientist Craig Kinsley, of the University
of Richmond in Virginia and his colleagues recently published a
paper in the science journal "Nature" that helps explain the
biochemistry of Mom's super powers.
     According to the article, hormones released during pregnancy
caused long-lasting changes in the brains of female lab rats,
increasing their ability to learn new tasks.  While this hasn't
yet been confirmed scientifically in humans, Kinsley has every
reason to believe that it will hold true.
     "Humans are mammals.  The [hormone] profiles are similar
before, during and after pregnancy so there are some interesting
parallels.  The brain and the brain responses are similar between
the human and the rat," Kinsley told reporters.  (Reuters)
          [ Not only did the study determine that he
          female rats were able to run the maze faster,
          they were also up to 8 times more likely to
          stop and ask for directions when they got
          lost. ]


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ANY QUESTIONS?
-------------
     Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station.  The children were fascinated with
one bulletin board that had pictures of the 10 most wanted
criminals.  One of the children pointed to a picture and asked if
it really was the photo of a wanted person.
     "Yes," said the policeman. "He's done bad things and the
detectives want very badly to catch him."
     "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Johnny asked.


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THE PRINCESS AND THE PEONIES
----------------------------
     Children, especially very young children, are notoriously
unimpressed with the artificial nature of the adult world.  And
kids are very direct at expressing themselves.  All of which can
be quite an embarrassment when your child is the one chosen to do
something in public and the kid has other plans.
     Anna Engstrom, age five, is a kindergarten student in
Suffolk County, England.  Little Anna had been waiting an hour to
hand a bouquet of flowers to the visiting Princess Anne, daughter
of Queen Elizabeth.
     Apparently, Anna had had enough of waiting for Anne, for
when the princess arrived, she announced: "I don't want to give
it to her.  She's horrible."
     "I don't want to do it.  I want to go back to school," Anna
said in front of the crowd of reporters covering the event. 
Princess or no princess, the five-year-old got her way.
     For her part, Princess Anne, who has often been slammed by
the British press for her critical comments, seemed bemused to be
getting a little of her own medicine.  Not that it helped Anna's
embarrassed mother, 46-year-old Jill Dale.  (Reuters)
          [ Well, it's not every day your child's
          tantrum makes the national news... ]


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MODERN KIDS: THE SANTA REPORT
-----------------------------
     "He knows if you've been bad or good," according to the old
Christmas song.  So we'd be smart to listen to Santa, right? 
Well, that "jolly old elf" has a lump of coal for many modern
parents -- or, at least, a group of students who are Santa's
helpers during the Christmas season do.  For one thing, the
subordinate Clauses are sick and tired of parents with bratty
offspring who demand that Santa threaten the kids to make them
behave.
     "Christmas is supposed to be a fun time and we want to
distribute joy and happiness," said Rupert Schoepfel, who runs a
Berlin rent-a-Santa agency with hundreds of clients.  "There's
nothing wrong with a well-intentioned warning.  But parents
should educate their children themselves."
     Rather than get after their kids, many parents want Santa to
play "bad cop" to make the young ones study harder in school or
stop fighting with their brothers and sisters.  It's almost
enough to make Santa trade in his beard and red hat, especially
when parents want Herr Claus to help with problems like bed
wetting or take away a toddler's pacifier.
     Not that old Santa doesn't have a few tricks up the sleeves
of that red and white coat.
     "When the poor little kids can't remember the poem they are
forced to memorize, I like to say: 'OK, let's see if Daddy can
recite that'," Schoepfel said.  That often ends the visit.
(Reuters)


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THE ANSWER MAN TACKLES BABY QUESTIONS...
-------------------------------------

  Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
  A: No, 35 children is probably enough.

  Q: I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

  Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the
     flu?
  A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

  Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
  A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

  Q: What are the stages of pregnancy?
  A: Throwing up, Nothing Fits, Waiting, Having Fits, Still
     waiting, Finding-a-bathroom-every-2.7-minutes, STILL
     WAITING, OK-kid-any-day-now, What-do-you-mean-I-can't-take-
     a-break-for-a-while?! and Isn't that a beautiful baby?

  Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
  A: Childbirth.

  Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at
     me.  Why?
  A: Because, for once, they are confident their clothes fit
     better.

  Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
     she's borderline irrational.
  A: So, what's your question?

  Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman
     and a model?
  A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
     for him).

  Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
  A: Whatever she says divided by two.

  Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
     labor, but pressure.  Is she right?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
     current.

  Q: When is the best time to get an epidural anesthetic?
  A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

  Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
     my wife is in labor?
  A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

  Q: Any advice for the first time father in the delivery room?
  A: Don't bring a date.

  Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
     childbirth?
  A: Yes, pregnancy.

  Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
  A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

  Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
  A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her
     plans to nurse.

  Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
  A: Definitely by the time the kid learns to drive.

  Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
  A: Not if you change the baby's diaper quickly enough.

  Q: Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to
     feel and act normal again?
  A: When the kids are in college.


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