Hello Parents (I trust you know who you are),
The question from the floor is: what in the world does this
week's SUNFUN title mean? The answer: it is a legal term,
which either means "the parent here and present" or, "you are
driving your parent crazy." Personally, I favor the latter. As
my sister-in-law is fond of pointing out, insanity is hereditary;
you get it from your kids.
It isn't easy raising kids today. The myth is that it ever
was. Rewarding, yes, but not easy. You have to know that
something that starts with labor just has to be hard work. And
more than just the physical chasing around and picking up; that's
the easy, obvious part. Parenting is the absolute true test of
everything you've got: physical endurance, intellect, agility,
education, patience, and mental stability.
Mother's Day is when we celebrate all of those Mothers Of
The Year. No, not the ones with the perfect houses, perfect
children and perfect jobs, who balance their lives with perfect
ease and never seem to lose anything - not even their temper.
They don't exist anyway. At least, not without lots of help
behind the scenes.
The moms I want to see recognized are the ones who stay in
the trenches, freezing their buns off on cold bleachers in the
rain so they can see their child's soccer game. The moms who
jolt awake at 2:30 in the morning and quietly get up to check if
the baby has kicked off his blanket. Or spending hours sewing a
Halloween costume, fretting over a rabbit suit whose ears seem
too floppy. Who make cookies on all non-special occasions. The
moms who sit up all night when the kids are sick, and still go to
work the next day. The kind who spend countless hours driving
their kids to all their "important" events. And who never stop
to tally it up, even though they realize that, if they had been
getting paid as a cab driver for all those miles, they could have
retired to a villa in the south of France.
These are the moms who aren't rich, aren't famous, and have
to do everything for their kids themselves. They do most of
life's nurturing and care, and don't ask for much in return. And
don't get much in return, either. At least, not nearly as much
as they should. The kind of moms who don't kill their kids when
they carelessly leave batteries to leak under the couch in the
living room, ruining the carpet.
If they did, you wouldn't be reading these words. Thanks,
Mom.
Other Thanks You's for this Mother's Day edition of Funnies
include: Carol Becwar (Alison & Mark's Mom), Rosana Leung
(Michael & Jessica's Mom), Caterina Sukup (Matthew & Kathryn's
Mom), Beth Butler (Sarah, Anna, Daniel & David's Mom), Laura Hong
Li (Derek's Mom), Fumiko Umino (Ryuichi's Mom), Fumiko David
(Mary & Elizabeth's Mom), Ellen Peterson (Kyle & Jenny's Mom),
Jerry Taff, Diana Lee, Tim McChain, Helen Yee, Jan Michalski and
Kerry Miller. And a special get well to Mike Tully, too. Happy
Mother's Day to all of our moms, wherever they may be!
Have A Great Week!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
RESPECTFULLY YOURS?
------------------
Moms often claim that they don't get the respect they
deserve. They often have good reason to complain. And don't
think it's much better if you're famous.
Take the announcement just this week that the British
Broadcasting Corporation will not interrupt normal programming to
carry any of the Queen Mother's official 100th birthday party.
After all, to cover that event live, BBC would have to interrupt
a showing of an Australian soap opera.
Then there's the case of Tracy Palma of Streamwood,
Illinois, who isn't famous, just upset. Last fall, she suddenly
went into labor while at lunch with a friend in nearby Elk Grove
Village. Rushing to the hospital, she was stopped by police and
ticketed for speeding. She tried to explain in court that some
things just won't wait. "No excuse," said Cook County Judge
James T. Ryan, and slapped her with a $95 fine. Her daughter was
born a few hours later at Park Ridge hospital. (Reuters / AP)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
MOM ALWAYS KNOWS...
----------------
"Can people predict the future with cards?" said one little
boy to another.
"My mother can," the other boy exclaimed.
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me
exactly what will happen when my Dad gets home."
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
MOM'S DRESS BLUES...
-----------------
Moms do all kinds of jobs these days, and are much more
likely to stay at work while pregnant. One sector of the work
place that has been very slow to realize this has been the
military, which is always concerned about their soldiers dressing
properly, no matter what "delicate condition" they may be in.
But that is starting to change. The Swedish military has
taken the lead by introducing a dress uniform specially designed
for pregnant military officers. Though the announcement doesn't
actually say so, it is believed that this uniform is intended
only for women officers.
Lieutenant-Colonel Hans Norlen, head of the Swedish armed
forces protocol department, said that the "mother uniform" was to
be worn by professional officers already in the service, but also
fit with plans to allow pregnant women to enlist. He did not
know how many of Sweden's 352 women military officers would wear
the new navy blue tunic. (Reuters)
[ Would you call this "The Mother of All
Uniforms" or "Mom's Blues?" ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
WHAT, MORE MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKES?
------------------------------
Jokes about hated, interfering mothers-in-law may be prime
fodder for all of those "Jerry-Joey-Jackie" stand-up comedians,
but it turns out that these jokes don't have much to do with
reality. Not according to a recent study, anyway.
A survey of 600 Canadians conducted by Hallmark Cards of
Canada and Chatelaine magazine found that 90 per cent said they
actually love their mother-in-law. The survey even showed that 9
percent have a closer relationship with their mother-in-law than
with their own mother.
"It's one of those urban legends that everyone hates their
mother-in-law," said Garth Jay, vice-president of brand marketing
at the greeting card company. "It's nice to finally have the
statistics to debunk the old myth."
In fact, Hallmark says that many customers are requesting
cards for women who don't fall into the traditional category of
Mom. The greeting card maker already sells mother-in-law cards,
with captions such as "To Someone Who is Like a Mom". (Reuters)
[ Next in our category of threatened joke
species are the "Two guys walk into a bar..."
joke and the "A priest, a minister and a
rabbi..." joke. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"In every dispute between parent and child, both cannot
be right, but they may be, and usually are, both wrong.
It is this situation which gives family life its
peculiar hysterical charm."
- Isaac Rosenfeld
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD
--------------------------
It's life's toughest job, but it is the only one that lacks
a good qualification test. It doesn't require any government
licenses, even though it is far more difficult than driving or
flying a plane. There are books, but none of them do much to
prepare you for the real life of responsibility that parenting
brings. So how are prospective parents able to determine if they
have what it takes? With input from our SUNFUN Parent's Advisory
Committee, here are a series of tests to check if you are really
ready to have kids:
Physical Test (Women):
For Women - Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there. After nine
months, remove 10% of the beans.
For Men - To prepare for fatherhood, go to the local drug
store and set your wallet on the counter. Tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Proceed to the supermarket.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their central
office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it
uninterrupted as if it will be the last time. It will be.
Vehicle Test:
Sell the Miata and buy a minivan. Fill the entire floor
behind the driver's seat with trash to a depth of 18 inches
(1/2 meter). Occupy all of the unused seats with bags of
clothing and toys. Determine which seat in the vehicle is
the hardest to reach from the driver's seat; this is the
only seat where the manufacturer will have made the seatbelt
long enough to attach a child's car seat. Buy a back brace
on the way home.
Noise Test
Go to a Chuck E. Cheese kids' pizza restaurant on a rainy
Saturday afternoon. Winter is best. Note that the
government would require hearing protection in such a noisy
place if it was a factory or construction site. Stay there
in the din for at least 4 hours. On the way out, leave $50
at the cash register for three pieces of tasteless, soggy
pizza, a cheap t-shirt, a plastic whistle and a small pile
of game tokens that can't be used anywhere else.
Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, live, unhappy octopus. Attempt to put the
octopus into a small net bag so that none of the arms hang
out. Time allowed for this: the half hour between breakfast
and leaving for work.
Utilities Test:
Turn on the lights in several rooms and leave the water
running in both the bathroom and kitchen. Now attempt to
wash clothes and take a shower at the same time. Incredibly
expensive upgrades to your home will be required if you run
out of hot water or blow any fuses. Have someone flush the
toilet while you are in the shower and note whether the
water instantly gets scalding hot or Yukon cold. You can't
do anything about it, but it helps to know so you can get
used to it.
Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon drum of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute a barrel of roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them randomly over the floor. Put on a
blindfold and try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. No
matter what you step on, do not scream (this could wake a
child at night).
Travelling Test
Get ready to go out. Pick up a bag filled with diapers,
food, cleaning supplies, spare outfits and assorted toys and
amusements. To properly represent reality, this should
weight about 25 pounds (11 kg.). Wait outside the toilet
for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go
out again. Walk down the front sidewalk very slowly. While
walking, stop to inspect every cigarette butt, piece of used
chewing gum, dirty tissue, leaf and dead insect along the
way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as
you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare
at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now
almost ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Fashion Test:
Throw out or give away anything made of silk, satin or other
delicate fabrics. Your new wardrobe will consist only of
completely washable items. To test this, take a quarter cup
of warm, curdled milk and drip it over your shoulder so it
runs down your back. You are now prepared to burp the baby.
Extra points are awarded if you can bring yourself to go to
work after this test without changing clothes.
Instruction Test:
Learn to repeat everything you say at least five times.
Give instructions calmly but firmly. Repeat everything you
say at least five times. Speak in small, easy to understand
words. Repeat everything you say at least five times. Use
large gestures to help convey meaning. Repeat everything
you say at least five times...
Market Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep
both of them in sight and pay for anything they may eat or
damage. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
think about shopping with small children.
Sleep Deprivation Test:
Obtain a cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds (4-5 kg.) of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water, then waltz the bag
around the living room from 8PM to 11PM singing every song
you can remember or invent. Put the bag down at 11PM and
set your alarm for 1:30AM. Get up with the alarm, pick up
the bag and continue dancing around the living room for the
rest of the night in 1 1/2 hour cycles of waltzing and
sleeping. Continue this until dawn, then make breakfast and
start your normal work day. Continue for 5 years. Try to
look cheerful.
Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains, jelly on the
floor and crayon on the walls. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer, or until the smell
causes actual fainting spells.
Feeding Test:
Obtain a small plastic cup and a length of string. Using
the string, suspend the cup from the blades of a ceiling
fan. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and a spoon. Turn
on the fan, sit down and attempt to spoon the cereal into
the cup as it rotates past you. Continue until half of the
Fruit Loops are gone, then tip the rest into your lap. You
are now prepared to feed a 12-month-old child.
Adult Education Test:
Learn the names of every character from Mr. Rogers, Barney,
Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. Memorize all of the songs
from these shows until you find yourself singing, "I love
you, you love me" at work.
Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Using what
you know from reading all of the latest child rearing books,
lecture them on how they can improve their child's
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run
around screaming.
Enjoy this experience; it will be the last time you will
ever have all the answers on any of these subjects.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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