Salutations, Fellow Philosophers,
It seems as if, all through our lives, someone is forever
telling us to follow the rules. Don't get me wrong, rules are
certainly important and probably there for a purpose. No matter
how stupid they may sometimes seem at first glance. Or even
second glance. But you often find, like artists, politicians and
pinball wizards, that you have to break the rules in order to
really accomplish anything. The trick in doing anything well is
knowing which rules you can break, which you can bend and which
will break you.
Take Pablo Picasso as an example. With a father who was a
professor of art, he had a very secure grounding in the classics
and his early work was distinguished but conventional. Picasso
learned all of the rules of standard portraiture before he
started in on the women with three breasts and one eye. When he
did start pushing the edges and breaking the rules, he became the
most famous artist in history - and one of the best paid. Not
that all of his rule breaking was as successful; he did well in
his professional life but was pretty awful to those around him.
Proof that it is possible to break the rules in one area
successfully and be a miserable flop at something else. Just
because you can break one set of rules doesn't mean you get away
with everything.
One rule that we follow every week is to show our gratitude
to all the folks that contribute to Funnies. That's definitely a
rule that we shouldn't break! This weeks contributors include:
Laura Hong Li, Naomi Ogawa, Diana Lee, Yukari Kawabata, Fumiko
Umino, Helen Yee, Jerry Taff, Jan Michalski, Dale Frederickson,
Tim McChain, Anna Macareno, Junji Taniguchi, Daniel Butler,
Howard Lesniak, Joshua Brink, Jan Cutler-Brown, Carol Becwar,
Yasmin Leischer, Joel, Kristan and Benjamin Conrad, Lani
Anggraeni, Bruce Gonzo, Brian Siegl, Peter Adler, and Jack
Gervais. Speaking of rules, notice that the folks who remembered
the rule about never opening strange E-mails are the ones who got
through this last week with the least trouble. As a general
rule, being "unLoved" is a pretty terrible thing. But it is a
pretty good rule to figure there is something weird when the
corporate vice-president sends you a message that says "I Love
YOU!" Unless he does, of course. Whether that's breaking any
rules or not I can't say.
Have A Great Week!
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MURPHY'S LAWS
-------------
Legend has it that the original Murphy was a design engineer
for an aircraft company who was seeking to explain how the most
reliable designs they could devise always came up short of
perfection. The Laws of Murphy may not be as solid as the laws
of physics, but they are absolute principles of practical
engineering.
- If anything can go wrong it will
- Nothing is ever as simple as it seems
- Everything takes longer and costs more than you expect.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the
one that will do the most damage will go wrong first. The
expensive circuit always explodes to protect the cheap fuse.
- Left to themselves, things go from bad to worse.
- If you play with something long enough, you will surely
break it.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
- If you see that there are four possible ways in which a
procedure can go wrong, and fix these, then a fifth failure
mode will promptly develop.
- It is impossible to make anything completely foolproof,
because nature will always provide improved fools.
- If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
- Farnsdick's Corollary
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
will repeat itself.
- O'Toole's Commentary
Murphy was an optimist.
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THE GOLDEN RULE
---------------
One place where conflicting rules seem absolutely impossible
to reconcile is the subject of religion. Every religious group
has its own concepts of time and space, proper and improper,
morality and reality, and the various religions are even unable
to agree on such simple concepts as how many gods there are.
That's why it comes as such a surprise to many people to find
that the basic rules on how to deal with people are very similar
in all the world's major religions. Here's a sampling:
Christianity: Therefore all things whatsoever ye would
that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for
this is the law of the prophets.
- Matthew, 7:12
Judaism: What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowmen.
That is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary.
- Talmud, Shabbat, 31a
Brahmanism: This is the sum of duty; do not unto others
which would cause you pain if done to you.
- Mahabharata, 5, 1517
Buddhism: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would
find hurtful.
- Udana-Varga, 5, 18
Confucianism: Surely it is the maxim of loving kindness: Do
not unto others that you would not have them do unto
you.
- Analects, 15, 23
Taoism: Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain and
your neighbor's loss as your own loss.
- T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien
Zoroastrianism: The only nature that is good is the one
which does not do unto another what is not good for
itself.
- Dadistan-i-dinik, 94, 5
Islam: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his
brother that which he desires for himself.
- Sunnah
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THE REST OF THE RULES
---------------------
- Smoot's Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let
him lead.
- Taff's Second Law of Broadcast Journalism
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- White's Law of Perceptual Optics
It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
- Hartley's Second Law
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- Bagdikian's Journalistic Observation
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St.
Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
- Twain's Aging Rule
It's a good idea to obey all the rules when you're
young just so you'll have the strength to break them
when you're old.
- Arnold's Laws of Documentation
1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
3. If you can order the manual, only the Swahili
version will be available.
4. Only documentation for completely useless things
transcends the first three laws.
- Berra's Observation
It's like deja vu all over again.
- Hanson's Non-Relativistic Time Dilation Rule
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too
many days before Saturday.
- Stewart's Law of Retroaction
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- Howe's Law
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
- Harvard's Law of Biochemistry
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables, the organism will do as it damn well
pleases.
- Lincoln's Rules for Success
There are two rules for success:
1) Never tell everything you know.
2)
- Daniel's Last Meal Principle
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
- Neuman's Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
- Hoare's Law of Large Problems
Inside every large problem is a small problem
struggling to get out.
- Merkin's Prediction Maxim
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will
continue.
- Goldenstern's Rules
1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
- Weinberg's Second Law of Programming
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would have destroyed civilization.
- Adelman's Law of Dry Cleaning
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
- Glyme's Formula for Success
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake
that, you've got it made.
- Christianson's Law
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
- Feeney's Law of Advice
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a
salesman if his product is the best available.
- Gordian Maxim
If a string has one end, it has another.
- Bombeck's Rule of Medicine
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Cahn's Axiom
When all else fails, read the instructions.
- Gold's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly
- Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.
- Captain Penny's Law
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool
Mom.
- Ducharme's Axiom
If you view your problem closely enough you will
recognize yourself as part of the problem.
- Finagle's Fourth Law
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it
only makes it worse.
- Ginsberg's Theorem
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
- Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem
Every major political philosophy is based on the
negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can
win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can
break even.
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can
quit the game.
- Charnock's Law
You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.
- Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
equipment ruined.
- Blair's Law of Politics
I have never made predictions. And I never will.
- Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics
1. An object in motion will always be headed in
the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong
place.
3. The energy required to change either one of
these states will always be more than you
wish to expend, but never so much as to make
the task totally impossible.
- Green's Law of Debate
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
talking about.
- Oliver's Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
- Hanlon's Razor
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
explained by stupidity.
- Finster's Law of Politics
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Hlade's Law
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person
-- they will find an easier way to do it.
- Horngren's Observation
Among economists, the real world is often a special
case.
- Putt's Law
Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those
who understand what they do not manage and Those who
manage what they do not understand.
- Kramer's Law
You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.
- First Rule of History
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely
repeat each other.
- Miller's Law of Applied Ichthyology
The least experienced fisherman always catches the
biggest fish.
- Hoyle's Second Rule of Gamesmanship
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
- Twain's Sausage Principle
People who love sausage and respect the law should
never watch either one being made.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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