Hello again, all!
OK, I give up... No amount of complaining about it is going
to convince anyone to stop calling this upcoming New Year's Day
"The Start of the New Millennium." You see it everywhere: in
news stories, ads, and apocalyptic predictions. But not -- so
far -- here in Funnies, where we know the real story.
A few days from now, we may all be looking for someone to
blame. How about the guy who got us into all of this Y2K trouble
by setting up the B.C. and A.D. stuff in the first place? That
was a sixth-century monk named Dionysius Exiguss, who was
commissioned by Pope John I to write a complete history of the
world. Now you might think that someone with such a cool Latin
name must have been a particularly great scholar, right? It
becomes easier to see how we got into this mess when you find out
that Dionysius Exiguss is just a fancy way for his pals at the
monastery to call him "Dennis the Short."
Shorty had a few problems facing him, especially that Arabic
numbers wouldn't become popular in Europe for another three
centuries. So, he was forced to write everything down in Roman
numerals, which lack any way to express a zero. That's why there
is a year 1 A.D. and a year 1 B.C., but no year 0. It never
occurred to Dennis that there could be a problem with this later,
considering that he was writing way back in DXXIV.
Taking all of this into account, both the U.S. Naval
Observatory AND England's Greenwich Observatory say that the
third millennium doesn't start until January 1, 2001. It's just
that we modern folks with our speedometer culture just love all
those zeros.
Oh, what the heck... Go ahead and skip a year. Maybe we
could cheat and call this a "Daylight Savings Millennium." After
all, we're still only 0.05% off. And it doesn't really matter
anyway, since later evidence shows that menace, Dionysius, got
the reference point of Christ's birthday wrong, too. Since we
know that the ruler of Palestine at the time was a particularly
tyrannical slug named Herod the Great, J. C. couldn't have been
born any later than about 4 B.C. That's when later historians
have determined that Herod died, which would have made it pretty
tough for him to be ruling four years later. He may have been
called 'The Great,' but he wasn't THAT great.
So, the new millennium actually began about 1997. Aren't
you sorry you missed it?
A thousand years of Thanks to all of our friends and
supporters, especially (take a deep breath before proceeding...):
Etsuko Hori, Carol J. Becwar, Bruce Gonzo, Kerry Miller, Shawn
Mullen, Jerry Taff, Jim & Beth Butler, Fumiko Umino, Tim McChain,
Sachiko Sumida, Hiroe Sugiyama, Sylvia Libin He, Brian Siegl,
Anna Macareno, R.J. Tulley, Joshua Brink, Lydia Cheong Chu-Ling,
Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Harry Cherkinian, Jan Michalski,
Bruce Gonzo, Bob Martens, Tadashi Umezawa and Kiyomi Kanazawa.
I can't claim that this will be the best Funnies in a thousand
years, but it is something to read while you're stocking the food
in that Y2K shelter...
Have A Great Millennium,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to
"Y2K". Wasn't it that kind of thinking that caused the
problem in the first place?
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE NAME IS FAMILIAR...
--------------------
One thing we can always count on during these well-hyped
events is that all of the politicians will give speeches about
how happy they are to be president/prime minister/dictator/
mayor/dog catcher at this impressively zero-ed moment in history.
They always give the impression of speaking to the ages when they
do this, filled with self-importance and puffed up with the
notion that they will be famous just for having been in office
when the calendar clicked over.
To test this out, let's see if anyone in the crowd remembers
the rulers in countries that were around for Y1K - and whose
politicians probably gave the same speeches we'll be hearing this
week:
China Emperor Chen Tsung
Denmark King Sewyn I
Egypt Caliph Al-Hakim (Fatimid Caliphate)
France King Robert II
Germany Emperor Otto III (Holy Roman Empire)
England King Ethelred the Unready
Japan Emperor Ichijo (and Regent Fujiwara Michinaga)
Norway King Olaf I
Poland Prince (later King) Boleslav I
Russia Grand Prince Vladimir
Sweden King Olof
Isn't it curious how few real stand-outs there were in the
"Class of 1000?" Turns out most of those guys were zeroes, too.
It is somehow comforting to realize that history isn't likely to
judge us by our current leaders.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
DAYS OF FUTURE PAST...
-------------------
Predicting the future is always a risky business. As a
prophet, you are always working in too many unknowns. There is
the famous prediction made just after World War II by a computer
expert, who said that a really useful computer was impossible,
because it would always be too unreliable, and "would be as big
as the Empire State Building, and take the equivalent of Niagara
Falls for cooling." He was describing a much less powerful
machine than the computer I'm using to write this. So lets look
at some other ideas of what life would be like now in the year
2000:
- We would live in self-cleaning houses complete with devices
to remove dust from clothes and dirt from shoes at entrances
to the home.
[ Too bad that hasn't happened. ]
- Houses so light that they could fly, enabling entire
communities to relocate based on the season.
[ Yeah, especially during tornado season. ]
- Television was predicted at the turn of the century, but no
one writing then guessed it would take fifty years to become
popular.
[ For the record, no one predicted MTV,
either. ]
- Half-hour commutes over distances as much as 300 miles (San
Francisco to Los Angeles was the example given) via
high-speed subways.
[ In all fairness, L.A. does have half-hour
commutes. But only for people who live less
than a mile from work. ]
- Huge flying buses would carry 200 commuters at a time.
Commuters who prefer a little more privacy could use their
personal helicopters.
- Soup pills, concentrated meat pills and ice cream pills were
supposed to replace food.
[ Then we would really be a pill popping
society. ]
Things not predicted? Even excluding things that couldn't
have been fairly predicted in 1900, the predictors still missed:
Airplanes, cell phones, FAX machines, home refrigerators and
other appliances, atomic power, frozen food, contact lenses and a
million other ideas never showed up on the experts crystal balls.
Something to keep in mind when we hear all the talk on the things
to come in the next century.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
DOING IT BY THE NUMBERS...
-----------------------
November 19, 1999 -- was the last "All Odd" day of our
lifetimes. On 11/19/1999, every digit in the date was odd.
There won't be another "All Odd" day until January 1, 3111. And
you can mark your calendars to celebrate our next "All Even" day
on February 2, 2000. We haven't had an "All Even" day since
August 28, 888!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
BUNK OR BUNKER...
--------------
What does he know that he hasn't told us? Mayor and
senatorial candidate Rudolph Giuliani announced that he won't
be present when the ball is lowered on Times Square on New Year's
Eve.
But he's not staying home, either. Instead, the mayor will
be spending the night in his specially-designed bulletproof
bunker, which the mayor prefers to call the Emergency Command
Center. Along with the heads of the various city departments,
the mayor will usher in the new year in safety deep underground.
The mayor denied that he had knowledge of any special threat
to the city.
"Every commissioner will be working just in case there's a
problem in the switch-over to the new year. We've spent $320 to
$330 million for the last two-and-a-half years getting ready for
Y2K, making sure that everything works," the mayor said in a TV
interview. (Reuters)
[ Nice to know the mayor has such confidence
in the plans... I'll leave it for you to
decide if it's more bunk than bunker. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"We had no trouble going from B.C. to A.D., why should
we have a problem going from Y1K to Y2K?"
- Head of the water board in Rome,
Italy which still uses some
aqueducts from the first century
B.C. times.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
A TOUGH PILL TO SWALLOW?
-----------------------
A middle-aged woman in Hong Kong thought she was going to
make a killing by cornering the market on the cure for the
"Millennium Bug." At least, that's what the nice men told her.
The woman, apparently unclear on the whole concept, handed
over the cash to two con men, who presented her with a box
containing 430 of the pills. She was convinced that she could
make an astronomical profit by reselling the pills.
Police discovered later that the pills were a common stomach
ache cure.
Good thing, too, because when she found out that she'd spent
$120,000HK ($15,440 USD) on a few dollars worth of useless
patent medicine, she didn't feel all that well. (Reuters)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
ANOTHER ONE THAT'S TOUGH TO SWALLOW...
-----------------------------------
We get lots of ads and other assorted Spam here at SUNFUN
Central from companies selling fear and stupidity, and we send
most of them to the bit bucket. But lately, a couple have caught
our attention by skating just enough inside the law to avoid jail
time.
Which brings us to the story of Hilda Elliot of Great Falls,
Montana. Afraid that she wouldn't have enough food to tide her
over for any glitches that might happen, the elderly woman
ordered some specially-prepared Y2K ready food from an outfit
called Safe-Trek Outfitters in Bozeman. Now, after getting the
food, Hilda wishes she'd have asked a few more questions.
She received an package containing: one pound each (about
1/2 kg) of dried apple slices, banana slices and dehydrated green
beans; five pounds (2 kg) of white rice, beans, soup mix, sugar
and corn meal; and assorted quantities of dried peas and
potatoes, granola, dried hash browns and two different flavors of
textured vegetable protein (a mystery meat substitute). Oh, and
a gallon container (about 4 liters) of salt. For $224.
That's a bit more than you'd pay at the average supermarket.
Maybe ten times more.
The manager of Safe-Trek explained that their cans have
double enamel on the inside, to prevent rust, and they contain
oxygen absorbers intended to prolong the life of the food. Read
this as meaning it contains lots of preservatives. The company
claims it's food has a shelf life of at least 10-15 years.
After placing her order, it occurred to Hilda that even in
the worst case, the supplies would not have to last 10 to 15
years. Especially since she's 83. The odd quantities also
confused her a little. Especially the salt.
Elliott complained in writing to Safe-Trek after her package
came, but said she got no response. The Great Falls Tribune
newspaper finally called the company on her behalf, and they
offered to refund Hilda's money.
"It would take me three years to eat this much salt," she
said. (Reuters)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"I think on Jan. 1, 2000, there will be a lot of
pissed-off survivalists."
- Cyberpunk literary pioneer WILLIAM
GIBSON, on the people who are
stockpiling food, water, power
generators and other supplies in
fear of worldwide chaos at midnight
on Dec. 31.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
ANOTHER UNLIKELY NEW YEAR'S DANGER...
----------------------------------
Worried about Y2K? Here's another danger to worry about
at all of those New Year's celebrations. Transvestite singer
Boy George recently had an on-stage brush with death when a giant
mirror ball broke loose and clipped his ear before shattering
around him on the stage.
"It would have been both ironic and glamorous to be finished
off by a four-foot glitter ball," said George in an interview
with Reuters.
Glamorous or not, let's all be careful what we're dancing
under next weekend.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
A FEW REAL CHARACTERS...
---------------------
Ever hear of the Jerusalem Syndrome? Nope, it's not the
new Bruce Willis, end-of-the-world-disaster movie; it's a
psychological condition that seems to center in that city in
Israel. And it's getting worse.
"There is already an increase of about 50 to 60 percent,"
Gregory Katz, a doctor at the Givat Shaul Mental Health Center,
told Israel Radio.
So what is it, exactly? It is the overwhelming psychosis
felt by a few pilgrims to the Holy Land that they are really
characters from the Bible. And it seems to strike Protestant
Christians and Jews most often.
Some sufferers come to Jerusalem with visions of the end of
the world -- authorities have to expel a few such people from the
country every year for fear they will try to single-handedly try
to start the apocalypse. Others arrive mentally disturbed and
become convinced they are Biblical figures such as Old Testament
prophets, King David, Jesus, John the Baptist or the Virgin Mary.
Then there are the people who arrive perfectly sane yet feel
somehow compelled to wear white robes and preach rambling
sermons. A few even put on their hotel bed sheets.
"We've seen cases from aged 17 to 70," said Katz. "The
average age is 35 and people are of above average education."
On
average, the Givat Shaul clinic treats about 150 cases of the
syndrome every year, nearly a third of which require admission.
Katz said the clinic was currently treating three affected
foreigners, including a woman who was convinced she was a
prophet. (Reuters)
[ I get it. The Givat Shaul Clinic is a non-
prophet organization! ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
TO: Management
FROM: Staff
Subject: Y2K conversion
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on
budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program
in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files,
including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to
reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date
change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all
programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak,
Saturdak
We trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none
of this Y to K problem has made any sense to us. But I
understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help
in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with
it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do when the two
digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.
Thanks,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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