LETTUCE ENTERTAIN YOU!

Food & Menu Humor

Welcome Back, Diners!
     There is something about food that connects deep into the
human psyche.  And not only when we're really hungry.  No culture
on earth regards the simple act of eating as just the simple act
of eating.  What could be regarded as a fuel stop is instead a
social time for friendship, bonding and appreciation.  The joy of
food is such that we don't have to just get together with friends
and stare across a bare table, trying desperately to make
conversation.  After all, when dinner table conversation droops,
you can always talk recipes.
     Modern life has made us so busy that it is hard to find the
time to appreciate - let alone create - culinary masterpieces.  
Packaged fast food is a wonder of the age, making reasonable food
available quickly, but there is a certain sameness to it.  No
matter what ethnic specialty it pretends to be, such foods are
often made in the same huge factories by the same companies.  Who
knows -- Joe's America, Jose's Mexican, Giuseppi's Italian, Cho's
Chinese and Yusef's Middle Eastern food may all be created by the
same chef.  Who probably works for Kraft Foods in Chicago.
     Every culture also seems to have some food that is just too
weird for outsiders.  There are things that you have to
experience over time before you learn to appreciate them.  Many
years.  Maybe many decades.  For example, the Norwegians have
lutefisk, which is dried fish prepared with drain cleaner
(really!).  Germans have head cheese, which looks for all the
world like snot mixed with rubber cement.  It certainly tastes
like it.  And the Japanese have _kusaya_, which is a kind of
salty gravy made from fermented fish.  The smell of this has been
kindly described as 'pungent,' which means that folks in Seattle
can smell a fresh vat of the stuff if the wind is right.
     Right here in Southeastern Wisconsin we have our own
cultural oddity - candy raisins.  These are indeed candy but have
nothing to do with fruit, being a sort of jujube with an odd,
translucent tan color and a vaguely grape-like flavor.  Even the
current manufacturer claims that the candy is "an acquired taste,
like yogurt or bleu cheese."  For reasons no one has ever quite
figured out, candy raisins have been popular in Milwaukee for
generations.  Once produced by several companies, only the Stark
Candy Company of Pewaukee, Wisconsin is still making them.  If
you have a candy raisin addiction, you'd best live in Wisconsin;
Stark has tried to introduce the candy nationally, but found that
it just doesn't sell outside of Milwaukee -- except to former
Milwaukeeans.  And they are pretty addictive - the company even
ships candy raisin care packages at nominal cost to Milwaukee
natives stuck far from home.
     Contributors to the ambiance at Chez Funnies this week
include:  Sylvia Libin He, Jerry Taff, Laura Hong Li, Rosana &
Stanley Leung, Dee Marini Stacy, Beth Butler, Timothy T. McChain,
Kerry Miller, Carol Becwar, Etsuko Hori, Harry Cherkinian, Yasmin
& Meredith Leischer, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Mark Becwar, Catherine
Cassidy, Dick Ginkowski, Alison Becwar, Brian Siegl, Nnamdi
Elleh, Kathleen Beckmann, Dale Frederickson, Paul Roser and John
Sofranko.  Thanks for all of your contributions and support.  And
all of the times you've had me over for dinner, too.  Now, all
this talk about food is making me hungry.  Why don't you all pull
up your chairs as we ring the dinner bell for this summer's Food
Funnies.
     Have A Great Week!


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CUSTOMER LOYALTY...
----------------
     You've always heard that there's no free lunch, right? 
Well, that isn't quite true anymore.  Not since a San Francisco
Mexican restaurant called "Casa Sanchez" offered free lunches for
life.  There is one small catch; you do have to show the cashier
a tattoo of the restaurant's  'Jimmie the Corn Man' logo.
     The logo, a colorful mariachi boy in a large sombrero riding
an ear of corn, will set you back about $80 or so, depending on
size, quality and "placement."  Right - some folks have figured
out that they can get free food with a tattoo in places not
normally visible in polite society, however difficult that may
make it to show without doing jail time.  The investment in
personal art pays for itself after about a dozen lunches,
depending mostly on whether you order Mexican or American beer.
     Does the restaurant fear that the free meals will cut into
profits?  Not yet, anyway; restaurant manager Marty Sanchez
estimates that they only give away about two free meals a week. 
The number of people willing to be needled into providing
advertising space in exchange for free food did surprise them at
first, though it hasn't been all bad.
     "They get embarrassed about the not paying, so they always 
leave big tips," Ms. Sanchez said.
     Since word of the promotion got out a few months ago, at
least 40 colorful folks have been adorned with the logo.  Among
them is Guido Brenner, whose logo tattoo is in his armpit.  No,
it's not a commentary, that was about the last open spot the
much-tattooed Brenner had left.  It is San Francisco, after
all...  (AP/Reuters)
          [ Some people will do anything for a free
          burrito. ]

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     Rumor has it that the inside of a McDonald's french fry
     box is striped yellow and white because it gives the
     impression that there are more fries in the container
     than are really there.

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NOT DOING THINGS THE SAFEWAY...
----------------------------
     Another old food expression says that you shouldn't cry over
spilled milk.  But Safeway Foods, the mega-supermarket chain,
might be shedding a tear or two.  Company officials had to cough
up $200,000 after the Environmental Protection Agency found that
Safeway and Pack'n'Save stores in California had illegally dumped
over 10,000 gallons (40,000 liters) of spoiled milk into storm
drains.  The government said that Safeway in 1996 instructed
store managers to destroy a particular shipment of milk, but gave 
them no instructions on how do it.  Though there was no health
hazard, the dumping violated the Clean Water Act.
     The EPA started looking into it when they received numerous
complaints of 'milky' creeks near twenty-four Safeway chain
stores in Northern California.  (Reuters)
          [ Ah, California!  The Land of Milk and
          Money... ]

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THEY WERE DRIVEN TO IT...
----------------------
     The first drive through window at a restaurant was at the 
McDonald's in Sierra Vista, Arizona.  It was put in so that the
soldiers from Ft. Huachuca could get food since the base had a
regulation prohibiting anyone in uniform from entering a business
establishment.

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BIG MAC ATTACK...
--------------
     We normally picture the British as reserved and polite in
public, especially in public places.  That's why the overwhelming
success of McDonald's Big Mac 25th anniversary promotion was such
a surprise to managers there.  Full page ads in various
newspapers and magazines offering a two-for-one deal caused a run
on the sandwich.  So much so that some outlets ran out of
supplies and had to stop selling the sandwich.
     "On a normal weekend we would expect to sell 500,000 Big
Macs.  We projected demand at two million last weekend because 
of the offer and it has actually been four million," said
McDonald's spokesman Mike Love.
     McDonald's apologized to disappointed customers after
British tabloids published front page reports of furious
customers leaving empty-handed as supplies ran out.
     Far from reserved, at a couple of restaurants, the crowds
turned ugly.  Police were sent to some restaurants to control the
crowds, the Daily Star newspaper reported.   In Leigh, near
Liverpool, a group of businessmen "went berserk," according to
the Star.  The paper also said that a near riot erupted after the
lunch crowd was informed that and they could not have the free
Big Macs.  The group pulled the manager across the counter and
had a serious talk with him.
     The Star did try to cheer up disappointed customers with
it's own home version of the famous recipe called -- "How to make
your own Big Mac."   (Reuters)


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MORE MC MADNESS...
---------------
     Murfreesboro, Tennessee police were called to a domestic
dispute at a  McDonald's restaurant last June.  A man and woman
were having a very heated argument over whether to get a Big Mac
or a Quarter-Pounder.

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BRAND LOYALTY
-------------
     Many of us develop a loyalty to just one brand of food, and
we search out that item, no matter how good the competition might
be.  If a store doesn't have that particular brand, we often go
without.  Apparently, that is also true for non-humans.
     All of the standard reference books say that giant pandas
eat only bamboo shoots and other small plants.  I haven't been
able to find any mention of blueberry muffins.  But Hsing-Hsing,
the most famous giant panda in the US, is living a more active
life these days due to his addiction to blueberry muffins.  The
elderly panda has kidney disease, which is treatable with
medication, except that the panda hates the taste.  But Hsing-
Hsing loves blueberry muffins so much that he'll take the
medication with them.  As long as the muffins come from
Starbuck's.  Hsing-Hsing won't eat any other brand.
     "[He] would take a bite and then spit out any muffin that
wasn't Starbucks.  He wouldn't even try the fat-free muffins,"
said Brenda Morgan, Hsing-Hsing's zoo keeper.  (Reuters)
          [ Of course.  You know how serious Chinese
          are about food. ]

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NOT QUITE KOSHER...
----------------
     "The story headlined 'Treasures for the  Passover
     Table' ... included recipes not intended to be used for
     Passover.  The recipes containing bread and flour are
     not suitable for Jews keeping Kosher for Passover."
                            - Correction in the Portland, Maine,
                              Press Herald. 
          [ I guess that means the recipe for holiday
          ham is out, too, right? ]


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SETTING PRIORITIES...
------------------
     It has to make you wonder...  With all of the problems we
face - gun control, flag burning amendments, tax reform, campaign
financing - what is it that keeps progress from being made? 
Congress just can't seem to get things done.  Where's the hangup? 
     Investigative reporting by SUNFUN's staff (Well, by me.) has 
found the answer.  Not since Watergate has there been so much
secrecy over an issue.  Parts of the story remain secret to this
day.  It's a secret rice pudding recipe.
     It started when Senator Rick Santorum, a Republican from
Pennsylvania and usually a chocolate pudding fan, happened to
have the rice pudding in the House dining room.  It was so good
that he just had to have the recipe for the Senate dining room. 
No soap, said Congress, the recipe is a family secret of a House
chef; when she retires, the rice pudding goes with her.
     "Let them eat cake," said House Administration Chairman Bill
Thomas, a California Republican.
     Upset to be behind in the rice race, Senate chefs - possibly
with inside help from the FBI's lab - analyzed the House dessert,
studying its raisins, cinnamon and its delectable vanilla
topping.
     They served a sample of their copy at a weekly Republican
luncheon in late June.  The result: it was a good copy.  But
still a copy.  Back to the cutting board.
     "I am confident that as the chef continues to refine it, the
Senate rice pudding will someday surpass the House rice pudding,"
Santorum announced.  (Reuters)
          [ Look, I'll buy you ALL rice puddings across
          the street if you promise just to THINK about
          tax reform, OK? ]


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EAT YOUR VEGGIES...
----------------
     A lunch buffet at a European vegetarian conference in
Widnau, Switzerland last week had a really popular buffet lunch. 
Popular enough to send thirty people to the hospital with stomach
cramps and diarrhea.  Doctors treated another forty visitors at
the scene, according state police spokesman Hans Eggenburger.
     Over two hundred vegetarians from thirty countries attended
the five-day conference, but apparently only the seventy or so
treated had one particular bean salad featuring raw beans.  (AP)
          [ Proving - once again - that food poisoning
          is also "all natural." ]


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FUNNIES RECIPE OF THE WEEK
--------------------------
     Every food section has to include at least one recipe,
right?  In researching this edition of Funnies, I came across
more bizarre food tastes (do I dare call them food fetishes?)
than I ever imagined.  Many of these are just too gross or
unlikely to believe, but some sound pretty good, actually.  Just
like grandmother used to make -- if grandma was very, very weird. 
Like this one:

     --------------------

          GRASSHOPPER KABOBS

   Ingredients (6 servings): 

          1/2 cup lemon juice
          1 tablespoon olive oil
          1 teaspoon honey
          1/2 teaspoon freshly grated ginger 1 tablespoon Dijon
               mustard
          2 tablespoon minced fresh herbs -- parsley, mint, thyme
               and/or tarragon.
          12 frozen grasshoppers, katydids, locusts, or other
               suitably sized Orthoptera, thawed
          1 red pepper, cut into 1 1/2-inch chunks
          1 small yellow onion, cut into 8 wedges

     Directions:  Mix all ingredients for the marinade in a
nonreactive baking dish.  Add the Orthoptera, cover, and marinate
overnight.  When ready to cook, remove the insects from the
marinade.  Pat them dry, for ease of handling.  Assemble each
kabob, alternately skewering the insects, tomatoes, and onion
wedges to create a visually interesting lineup.
     Cook the kabobs two or three inches above the fire, turning
them every two or three minutes and basting them with additional
olive oil as required.  The exact cooking time will vary,
depending on the kind of grill and type of insects used; 
however, the kabobs should cook for no longer than 8 or 9
minutes.

     --------------------

     I haven't tried this yet, since Pick'n'Save was fresh out of
grasshoppers this morning.  (Well, there were one or two in the
parking lot, but I didn't feel like chasing them down.)  If you
make this -- and survive -- send along your impressions and we'll
be sure to include them in a future edition of Funnies.
     In the meantime, stay away from the bean salad - it's a
little 'off.'


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