Welcome Back, Recruits!
Modern society holds a love/hate relationship with the
military. Maybe it is the realism of modern communication that
makes it so difficult to have the old feelings of glory and honor
about war. While military histories are still among the most
popular books in any bookstore, we have a serious distrust of the
military. Movies and TV shows don't usually show dedicated,
efficient and hard-working members of the military. Soldiers are
more often pictured as either lazy or as rabid, soulless
machines, depending on the writer's paranoia level. And, just
this week, the "History Channel" cable station here in the U.S.
started a new series called "Military Blunders." No one doubts
that there are enough stupid military moves to fill an entire TV
series. It could go on for years just with the blunders in this
century, alone.
Most members of the military are hard working and dedicated
- the same as the rest of us. They just have to be more careful
with the equipment they use, because so much of it tends to make
loud noises if mistreated. But the bureaucracy and regimentation
of running a large military force means that silly things are
always happening. It only takes a small fault to have huge
complications, like the legend of the U.S. military clerk who put
an incorrect number on a parts order form. Instead of the
aircraft light bulb he needed, a semi truck showed up carrying a
monster anchor suitable for a battleship - just the thing they
needed at an Air Force base in Idaho.
Ironically, the best reason for having a strong, efficient
military is so you never need to use it. There is an old story
that Nazi leader Herman Goering was in Switzerland some years
before World War II, reviewing the Swiss Army. He asked how many
men the Swiss had under arms, and the Swiss commander answered
that he had almost a half million men. "What would you do," said
Goering, laughing, "If we Germans invaded with a million men?"
Without a second's pause, the Swiss commander looked Goering
right in the eye and said, "Each of my men would have to shoot
twice."
Unit citations and Thank You's this week go out to: Nnamdi
Elleh (currently on detached duty in Hungary), Josie Tong, Laura
Hong Li, Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff, Sylvia Libin He, Bruce
Gonzo, Fumiko Umino, Tomoko Naito, Sarah Morsman, Joshua Brink,
Brian Siegl, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer, Carol Becwar, Mark
Becwar, Kerry Miller, Dale Frederickson, Beth Butler, Ken
Redmond, Shawn Mullen and Stanley & Rosana Leung. Glad you could
all make it for the briefing and a big salute to you all. Now,
let's hit the field for military funnies. Just make sure you're
wearing quiet underwear (see story below).
Have A Great Week,
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NAMING NAMES...
------------
With the end of the Cold War and Gulf War, the U.S. military
has been in the midst of a cutback unlike anything seen since the
end of World War I. Since Congress has already spent the money
on other things - like pay raises for Congress - financing
military improvements might take some creative thinking. In
recent years, many local governments have raised funds by selling
the naming rights to public property to private companies,
leading to names like "3-Com Stadium" in San Francisco (named
after a computer networking company). Imagine if the U.S. forces
did the same thing. It could lead to military names like:
- Nike 'Air Schwartzkopf' Combat Boots
- The Mr. Goodwrench Motorpool
- The Terminator II Tank
- The K-Mart Post Exchange
- Sealy Posturpedic Army Cots
- Conan, the Destroyer (Navy Ship Number DD-1103)
- Quaker Puffed Wheat 155 MM Artillery Piece
- Radio Shack Land Mine Detector
- The F4G Garden Weasel (Formerly the "Wild Weasel")
- Compaq Midget Submarine
- The Burger King Mess Hall
- Jeep Eagle Parachutes
- The SPRINT 'Dime-A-Minute' Communications Center
- The Land's End Catalog Supply Depot
- Barbasol 'Genuine Flatop' Aircraft Carriers
- The Tom Cruise Missile
In case you think this idea is completely crazy, here are
some names the Russians use for some of their equipment (these
are real names, mind you): "Tender-2" handcuffs and "Argument-2"
saps. The Russian's tear gas grenades come in two models: "Bird
Cherry" and "Lilac-12." And a portable device that you lay
across a road to puncture the tires of enemy vehicles is called
"Hedgehog-Diana" (apparently referring to the late Princess).
(Reuters)
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"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Kuwait."
- A. Whitney Brown
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HOW TO STOP AN INVASION...
-----------------------
OK, think quick! Six thousand sailors and seven hundred
heavily-armed U.S. Marines are about to invade your city. What
do you do to stop them? Would your first choice be:
1.) Pray.
2.) Run around screaming like a nut.
3.) Call the Army for help.
4.) Inform them that they can't land because
they might make a mess.
OK, pencils up. The correct choice on how to stop the
Marines from invading is number four. That's right, the Marine
Corps had requested to use a stretch of beach near San Francisco
to practice amphibious invasions as part of a training exercise.
What was intended to be a realistic, full-scale practice mission
quickly became involved in politics, as neighbors and
environmentalists objected to the mud, noise and possible damage
that the invaders could cause. In the end, city officials
decided that it would be just too loud and messy, and refused to
allow the invasion.
So the military eventually moved across San Francisco Bay to
invade Oakland instead.
"If San Francisco didn't want it, we're happy to
accommodate," according to Stacey Wells, press secretary for
Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown.
[ That makes the final score in San
Francisco: Topless rollerbladers, OK; U.S.
Marines, No Soap. ]
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UNIFORM THINKING...
----------------
Despite the fact that they are required to dress sharp for
formal occasions, members of the military - especially the middle
ranks - are not that well paid. With so many World War II movies
up for awards, the (U.S.) Armed Forces Radio & TV Network wanted
to send their own reporters to cover this year's Academy Awards.
But the green, Class A uniforms just wouldn't do for such a fancy
occasion; the reporters' unit commander wanted them to wear Army
Dress Blues. Only one problem: that uniform isn't standard
issue, so it's very expensive.
Fortunately, they were in Hollywood.
"... we found a company in North Hollywood called Motion
Picture Costume Company. We ended up wearing uniforms used by
actors in the James Caan/James Earl Jones film 'Gardens of
Stone'... "
- Reported by Sergeant Scott C.
Marvin, 222 Broadcast Operations
Detachment, Los Angeles.
[ I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille... ]
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SGT. MURPHY SPEAKS...
------------------
There are rules to war - there have to be, otherwise it
would be hard to tell who wins. Here are some bits of military
wisdom from sergeants- the folks who know how things really work
in the army. Many of these bits of practical wisdom are also
useful even when you are not being shot at:
- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
- Incoming fire always has the right of way.
- If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
- All warfare is based on deception.
- Sun Tzu ("The Art of War")
- If your advance is going well, you are walking into an
ambush.
- A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
- George Patton
- If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
- Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie
down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
- Friendly fire - isn't.
- The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
- When they're ready.
- When you're not.
- Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't
ever volunteer to do anything.
- If the enemy is in range, so are you.
- It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer,
but it does help.
- The supply sergeant has only two sizes: too large and too
small.
- War is the unfolding of miscalculations.
- Barbara Tuchman
- If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery and air
support.
- Remember that odd objects on a battlefield attract fire.
Also, remember that you are an odd object on the
battlefield.
- Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
- The army with the fanciest dress uniform will lose the war.
- Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Worry
about the artillery shell addressed to 'occupant'.
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A MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON, 1812
-------------------------------------------
Most of us remember that it was the Duke of Wellington who
led the armies that defeated Napoleon at Waterloo in 1815. But
the Iron Duke had been chasing around the edges of Napoleon's
forces for several years by that time. A blunt officer with
little time for politics, he didn't have much tolerance for the
pestering of petty bureaucrats more interested in keeping the
books in balance than winning the war. That was especially true
while he was fighting Napoleon's army in Spain in 1812. Here is
part of the Duke's response to a headquarters demand for a full
accounting of the army's expenses and equipment:
-----
"... Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence
remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash
and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars
of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a
sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may
be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with
France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you
gentlemen in Whitehall.
"This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
[clarification] of my instructions from His Majesty's Government
so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over
these barren plains. I construe that ... it must be one of two
alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one
with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for
the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London,
Or, perchance,
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of
Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
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MORE PROOF THAT SIZE MATTERS...
----------------------------
Most countries have women serving with distinction in the
military these days. Not that there haven't been some problems
and adjustments - and more than a little stupidity on the part of
male officers. The subject of uniforms is always a source of
confusion. One friend of ours was a major while she was pregnant
with her youngest child. The Army brass had some difficulty
deciding what uniform she should wear. Her usual uniform would
not fit and it was clear that the Generals had never considered
that they could have a pregnant major.
Then there's the uniform situation in the Danish Army just
this spring. Procurement officer Major O. P. Soerensen got a
great deal on official issue bras for the five hundred female
members of the Danish Army. He got an even better bargain by
buying only one size - 100 (39 inch) C-cup. This anatomically
ignorant over-standardization made most of the women furious.
"They have bought one model only and think that it can fit
all of us. But we are big and small, thick and thin," said Lance
Corporal Ulla Bekker Madsen.
Major Soerensen said that he only made the purchase after
the manufacturer had assured him that particular size fit 90% of
Danish women. (Reuters/Ekstra-Bladet)
[ That was a good estimate - it seems that
90% of the women did have a fit about it. ]
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WE MAY HAVE FOUND A TREND...
-------------------------
The U.S. Army, meanwhile, has announced it is looking to
purchase new military underwear that is both "windproof as well
as low noise level." According to an official study, the old,
standard issue skivvies were found to be less than satisfactory,
because, "... Excessive noise can be detrimental to clandestine
Special Forces operations." Bunching up was apparently never
considered in the study.
After determining that this style of underwear is already
available from sporting goods companies, the Army set about
buying test samples. Exactly how do you test underwear for noise
levels?
-----
Much tougher were the seventeen pages of requirements issued
by the Canadian Defence Force for their own military drawers.
Among the toughest specifications are that a soldier should be
able to wear one pair for as long as six months and that the
underwear must be invisible to night vision scopes. This is so
partly-clad soldiers don't present a more visible (and
embarrassing) target to snipers.
[ Of course, if they really WERE wearing the
same underwear for six months, a sniper could
probably find them by smell alone. ]
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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