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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #145 - 05/23/1999

FUNNY FARMS!

We Plant One Down On the Farm

Howdy, All!
     What harried city-dweller hasn't yearned for the quiet,
contemplative life of a farmer.  With all the challenges of
traffic lines, headlines, deadlines and supermarket lines,
leading the simple life is a very attractive idea.  Picture
living an idyllic life in the country and getting to know Mother
Nature by her first name.  Living your life to a natural rhythm
with your work following the patterns of sun and rain.  Spending
spring evenings watching the wind rustle the green stalks that
are already nearly knee high.  Oh, wait...  That's my back yard. 
(I really should get out there and cut the grass again.)
     Life on the farm was probably never the peaceful existence
that most city folk imagined.  To be even moderately successful,
a modern farmer has to combine the skills of veterinarian,
horticulturalist, weather forecaster, diesel mechanic, carpenter,
and Wall Street trader.  It was even worse in the old days. 
Imagine how isolated and lonely farm life could be when folks got
into town only a couple of times a month -- if that.  Until the
very late 1800's, there wasn't even mail delivery out in the
country.  Life has certainly changed on the farm now that the
kids go to school in the city and the farmers follow crop prices
around the world on the net while watching CNN on their satellite
dish.
     But some things remain the same.  The basic problem of being
a farmer is that just growing a bounty of fine crops isn't
enough.  Any time there's a drought, we see pictures on TV of
farmers being interviewed while standing out in the fields of
wilted wheat.  That's a scene that all of us can understand. 
Much harder to picture - and never covered on the news - is the
other kind of disaster; a year with perfect weather and huge
harvests.  Wait a minute!  How can having lots of crops to sell
be bad?  The laws of supply and demand being what they are, it's
possible to have a great crop and still lose money.  Since the
chances are good that all of the other farmers also had a great
year, the crop prices will drop and only the most efficient farms
might break even.  The only way any farmer will ever get rich is
if he is the only one in the world to have a great harvest.  Or
if he sells out to a developer building condos so city folks can
move out and enjoy "the rural life."
     Thanks this week to our fine crop of contributors, with
advice, stories and suggestions from: Jerry Taff, Howard Lesniak,
Sachiko Sumida, Richard Kubsch, Fumiko Umino, Kerry Miller,
Michele Adler, Timothy T. McChain, Peter Adler, Dick Ginkowski,
Beth Butler, Sue Yan, Yasmin and Meredith Leischer, Naomi Ogawa
and Laura Hong Li.  You folks have fun on the farm -- I'm off to
the back forty with a weedeater.
     Have A Great Weed!

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     Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While
     one pulled on its head and the other pulled on its
     tail, the cow was milked by the lawyer.
                            - Jewish Parable

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RESEARCH THAT STILL STINKS...
--------------------------
     If you've spent any time at all around cows, you know that
anywhere you find cows you also find flies.
     Now, scientists from Britain's Institute of Arable Crops
Research may at last have an answer to this age-old problem: cow
perfume.
     It's long been understood, the researchers told New
Scientist magazine, that some cows attract more flies than
others.  In an experiment, the scientists dowsed cows with 18
chemicals that cows exhale, and found that some combinations
worked well as natural insect repellents.  (Reuters)
          [ No word on whether they'll market it as
          "Eau d' Manure" or "Calvin Klein's Obsession
          for Beef." ]

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JUST CHICKEN THE PLACE OUT
--------------------------
     When Chicago police investigated complaints of barnyard
noises in a neighborhood west of downtown Chicago last February,
they got quite a surprise.  Maybe saying that they got 93
surprises would be more accurate.
     Inside the house they found Juan Valdez and his four young
children, along with 93 assorted chickens, pheasants and quail. 
Police thought that the conditions inside the house were for the
birds, too, describing them as "deplorable."
     Police said they had not determined why the man was keeping
the livestock in his home.  (Reuters)
          [ No surprise...  In winter most people in
          Chicago are a little cooped up. ]


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SEX AND THE SINGLE CHICKEN
--------------------------
     One of the more obscure professions associated with farming
are the folks known as chicken-sexers.  This isn't as easy as you
might think; it's a real skill to tell fresh-out-of-the-egg males
chicks from females.  Knowing the future roosters from hens is
important because modern farming practice sends the female chicks
straight to the egg hatcheries and the males to be fattened up
for Kentucky Fried whatever.  The sex specialists work by
carefully examining each baby chick for the subtle signs of
poultry gender.
     Recently this was the basis of what might be a unique
industrial dispute about who are the best chicken-sexers,
Australians or Koreans.  The dispute arose when the farm firm
Steggles imported a dozen Koren specialists to work at a chicken
farm near Sydney.  The Australian workers claim that it's an
attempt by the poultry company to cut their wages and replace
them with foreign workers.  Meanwhile, Steggles claims that the
Koreans are just there as trainers because the local sexer's
error rate is double the world standard.  [There's a world
standard for chicken-sexing?]
     "It's not so much the speed, but the accuracy that we want 
to improve," managing director Philip Stanton said.  "We are
finding too many males in our flocks when they mature." 
(Reuters)
          [ So, what your saying is that the Koreans
          are just in Australia to pick up chicks? ]


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MORE FOUL DEEDS...
---------------
     Chemists at Clemson University in South Carolina have been
working on one of the chicken farmer's most indelicate problems -
- the smelly state of chicken manure.  A modern hen house, with
five thousand (or more) birds under one roof produces a pretty
foul fowl smell that no one can stand for long, especially the
poor folks living downwind.  It's even worse for the farmer
inside the chicken shack.
     The solution?  The researchers have had good results by
adding garlic powder to the fowl feed.
     "It makes the poultry house smell like a pizzeria instead of
manure," said professor Glenn Birrenkott.  He added that it also
makes the eggs taste better.  (AP)
          [ Of course, the garlic gives the chickens
          really fowl breath, but they're working on
          it... ]

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SHEEP THRILLS DEPARTMENT
------------------------
     Police were hot on the trail of the thieves that made off
with assorted livestock from a farm near Chaguanas in central
Trinidad last week.  And they quickly spotted a suspicious rental
car driving with no lights.  They gave chase, and, after a short
time, the driver abandoned the vehicle, leaving a car full of
animals.  Animals that were dressed up in human clothing.
     The stylish lovely livestock included a sheep wearing a
dress and three goats dressed in shirts, pants and even hats.
     Police said they believed the thieves dressed the animals so
other motorists wouldn't notice them.
          [ "Wow, honey!  That guy's wife is pretty
          ugly, but the kids are even worse!" ]


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FIELD OF SCHEMES
----------------
     Modern family farmers have to learn a lot about business
practices, such as the best way to make a proposal.  One rule is
that when you really want to get noticed at a meeting, use a
visual aid.
     That's exactly what Scott Backus of Wentworth, South Dakota
did recently when he took his girlfriend, Deanna, for an airplane
flight over his family's farm.  As she enjoyed the view of the
frozen soybean fields last December, she saw the message "Will
You Marry Me" engraved in the ground in 85-foot (26 meter) high
letters.
     The artistic plowing was the work of Scott's father, Gaylen.
     "We were just lucky the ground wasn't frozen and it didn't 
snow and cover it up before Deanna saw it," Gaylen Backus said.
     Oh, yes... The future Mrs. Backus said yes.
          [ "Till" death do us part? ]


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THE DAYS OF SWINE NEUROSIS
--------------------------
     The way farmer Paul Thompson sees it, he's in a fight for
truth, justice and the American way and standing up against
creeping suburbia while defending his family farm.
     "Americans fought and died and bled for the rights we have
in this country, and I'm damn sure not giving up any one of them
-- ever," Thompson told the St. Petersburg Times.
     The elderly Florida hog farmer is up against some powerful
and wealthy opponents: the developers of an upscale golf course
community near his tiny, three-acre farm.  With houses in the
Florida Club development going for as much as $300,000, the
trendy developement is just the latest to move into what was
formerly farmland in Central Florida.
     So what has them so upset?  It isn't the smell, or even the
runoff from the hog farm that bothers the golf and tennis set. 
It's the music.  Farmer Thompson has set up loudspeakers around
his property and blares out country and western music for the
benefit of his 200 pigs.  He claims that the noise blocks outside
noises, relaxes his hogs and makes their meat more tender.
     Thompson has been living on the farm for the past 41 years,
long before development came to that part of rural Florida.
     "Who are they to come here from somewhere else and tell me
how to live?"
     The developers, meanwhile, sued Thompson, claiming that he
was using the noise just to harass them so they'd have to buy his
tiny farm at an inflated price.  The courts recently rejected
that claim, so, for now, WPIG Radio stays on the air.
     Not that the golf course owners have given up.
     "No one's buying this idea that the music soothes the pigs.
That's insulting our intelligence," said Greg Cotten, general
manager of the Florida Club.  (AP/Reuters)
          [ I really thought he was going to say,
          "Hogwash!"  Didn't you? ]


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TOWN AND COUNTRY...
----------------

What is the difference between city people and country folk?

   - A country resident drives a battered pickup truck laden with
     an assortment of ever-useful tools.
        - A city resident drives a brand-new Jeep Grande Cherokee
          which they'd never think to take off a paved road for
          fear it'd get dirty.


   - A country resident never hesitates to knock on their
     neighbor's door - if only for a coffee and a friendly chat.
        - A city resident never answers their door fearing it
          could be someone trying to convert them to some obscure
          religion -- or worse.


   - Country dwellers stay in good shape doing endless chores
     which gives them fresh air and a sense of accomplishment.
        - A city resident shells out $599 for a two-year fitness
          club membership, attends for five weeks then gives up.


   - A country resident helps his neighbors butcher cows, pigs
     and chickens, so they can all pack their freezers with
     cheap, quality meats.
        - A city dweller stands in line at the chain store meat
          counter hoping to find just one steak that is more
          tender than shoe leather.


   - A city dweller spends $1,500 to install a state-of-the art
     home security system and another $25 a month to have it
     monitored by a company 24 hours a day.
        - A country resident buys a dog - or gets one free from a 
          neighbor who's more than thankful to part with one of
          eight new pups.


   - City folks boast about how much theater, film, sports and
     fine dining their metropolis offers - but are too tired to
     go out after their long work week.
        - Those crazy country folks cram all of their friends and
          relatives into a pickup and happily drive 75 miles to
          see the high school football team play, no matter how
          tired everyone is.


   - Country people personally know each person from every family
     who lives within miles.
        - City folks don't know the person across the street -
          and probably think they're a little weird anyway.


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GENTLEMAN FARMER...
----------------
     A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was
going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a
farmer.  He bought a nice, used turkey farm.  It just happened
that one of his new neighbors just down the road was also a
turkey farmer.
     That neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Turkey
farming isn't easy.  I'll tell you what...  I'll give you 100
turkeys to help you get started."
     The new turkey farmer was thrilled with the gift.  Two weeks
later the neighbor stopped by again to see how things were going.
     "Not too good," the new farmer admitted.  "All 100 of those
turkeys died."
     The neighbor said, "That's odd.  I've never had any trouble
with my turkeys.  I'll give you 100 more."
     Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stopped in
again.
     The new farmer said, "You're not going to believe this, but
the second 100 turkeys died, too."
     Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What's going on here?  What
went wrong?!"
     Well, said the new farmer, "I'm not sure.  But I think I'm
not planting them far enough apart."


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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.