FAIR WARNING!

Products, Warnings and Other Nonsense

Welcome Back, Fellow Consumers!
     As we start this edition of Funnies, my wife and I are
sitting in our favorite Chinese restaurant.  Suddenly, we see the
all-too-common Warning:
          "Use of this product may be hazardous to your
          health..."
And what is this seriously dangerous product?  "Sweet'n Low"
sugar substitute!  It contains saccharine, which studies have
suggested may produce cancer in lab rats.  What effect it would
have on that rat,  Slobodan Milosevic, I couldn't predict.
     Many of the warnings on products we buy are useful and
helpful.  Some of the things we use every day can be dangerous. 
But warnings have become so common - and so obvious - that we
hardly pay attention anymore.  When virtually everything carries
a warning, it's hard to know which ones to believe.  Many of the
warnings are clearly there just because companies are trying to
protect themselves from nuisance lawsuits.  But it's hard to
imagine that anyone with an IQ greater than room temperature
would need such silly, low-level warnings.  This brings up an
interesting problem: if a consumer is so stupid as to use a
product in some really dumb way, how could they read and
understand the warning labels?
     CAUTION: Some or all of the following people contributed in
some way to Funnies this week, and would be upset with me if I
forgot to include their names.  Included are our friends: Yukari
Kawabata, Peter Adler, The Peterson's, Dale Frederickson,
Caterina Sukup, Sue Yan, Jerry Taff, Beth Butler, Paul Roser,
Junji Taniguchi, Carol Becwar, Laura Hong Li, Karen J. Crooker,
Timothy T. McChain, Fumiko Umino, Eva YuHwa Lu, and all the old
gang at Siemens Medical.  The makers of Sunday Funnies cannot
assure that this list is complete and comprehensive, though every
effort has been made to include all contributors.  Nor does this
imply that all of our friends are included or listed here.
     Before we move on to the warning labels, I had better
caution all of you to avoid reading Sunday Funnies while driving
or operating heavy machinery, and that some items in Funnies are
slightly enlarged to better show humor content.
     Have a Safe Week!


P.S.  A warning of my own for the legal beagles out there: many
of the trademarks for the products mentioned in this week's
Funnies are owned by the companies that own them.  Happy?


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WHY WE HAVE LABELS...
------------------
     Two Tampa, Florida neighbors decided to save money by
sharing a lawn mower, so they settled on buying a new Black &
Decker gasoline model.  Later - for some reason - the two decided
to use the mower to trim the hedge between their property.  As
they lowered the mower onto the hedge, it kicked back, seriously
injuring both men.
     Both have successfully sued Black & Decker, since the
mower's instructions didn't specifically say not to use it as a
hedge trimmer.
     [ I guess Black & Decker is just lucky that the two
     guys didn't decide to trim their hair... ]

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I'LL TAKE MANHATTAN (PROJECT)...
-----------------------------
     Anyone remember the Commodore Amiga?  It was a nice little
computer, and had some fairly advanced features for its time. 
But it died along with it's parent company when they couldn't
keep up in a rapidly changing marketplace.  One thing that might
have contributed to its death is some of the warnings in their
software packages.  The license warnings for the Amiga Workbench
program, Version 1.3.2, included this gem:

     3.   You agree and certify that you will not use [for]:
          (i)  designing, developing, fabricating or testing
               nuclear weapons or nuclear explosive devices;
          (ii) designing, constructing, fabricating, or operating
               the following facilities, or components for such
               facilities;
               (a)  the chemical processing of irradiated special
                    nuclear or source material;
               (b)  the production of heavy water;
               (c)  the separation of isotopes of source and
                    special nuclear material;
               (d)  the fabrication of nuclear reactor fuel
                    containing plutonium.

          [ And if you were a terrorist intent on
          taking over the world, you'd tell us,
          wouldn't you? ]

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USE OF THIS PRODUCT...
-------------------
     Some warnings make more sense than others.  Then there are
warnings like these, which seem to be almost insulting your
intelligence.  Of course, these are there just to keep the
lawyers happy, but still, what do you think when you see warnings
and instructions like these:

   - On a Korean kitchen knife:
          "Warning keep out of children."

   - The package for the "Zojirushi Stainless Steel Travel Mug"
     says"
          "...fits most vehicle beverage holders."
     But the back warns:
          "Do not drink from the mug in a moving vehicle."

   - On an "Axius Sno-Off" Automobile windshield cover:
          "CAUTION: Never drive with the cover on your
          windshield." 

   - On the "Conair Pro Style 1600" hair dryer:
          "WARNING: Do not use in shower.  Never use while
          sleeping."
     [ And if you're sleeping in the shower, we'll find out! ]

   - On a package of fireplace starter logs:
          "Warning: Risk of Fire"
     [ Well!  Would you have ever guessed that a fire place
     log would burn? ]

   - The folks that make "Regal Ware Royal Diamond Cookware" are
     obviously proud of the quality of their product,
     proclaiming:
          "A patented breakthrough non-stick interior reinforced
          with molten steel; won't chip, scratch or peel 
          EVEN WITH METAL UTENSILS"
     But, the instructions on the back are more pessimistic:"
          "Use of nylon, plastic, rubber or wooden utensils is
          recommended."

   - On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
          "For indoor or outdoor use only."

   - On a package of AA-size "Ray-O-Vac Renewal" batteries:
          "If swallowed or lodged in ear or nose, see doctor"
     [ Or, join a circus... ]

   - On a bag of "Fritos" Corn Chips:
          "You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary. 
          Details inside."
     [ No purchase necessary - if you have X-Ray vision... ]

   - On a bar of "Dial" soap:
          "Directions: Use like regular soap."

   - Some "Swanson" frozen dinners include the instructions:
          "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
     [ You could choose to just lick it like a Popsicle, but
     they advise against it... ]

   - On packages of "Betty Crocker Fruit Roll-Ups:"
          "Peel fruit from cellophane before eating."

   - On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
          "Fits one head."

   - On "Tesco's Tiramisu" desert:
          "Do not turn upside down."
     [ This would be really good advice, EXCEPT that it is
     printed on the bottom of the package. ]

   - From a box of "Kellogg's Pop-Tarts:"
          "WARNING: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated"

   - The instructions for the "Duracraft 18" HIGH VELOCITY WINDOW
     FAN" include details on how to properly mount the unit in a
     window.  Then they really make you wonder:
          "3. To protect against electrical shock, do not place
          fan in window, immerse unit, plug or cord in water or
          spray with liquids."

   - On a bottle of "Tilex" mildew remover:
          "Use only in well-ventilated areas."
     [ Question: how often does mildew grow in "well-
     ventilated areas?" ]

   - On a Japanese food processor:
          "Not to be used for the other use."

   - On the packaging for a "Rowenta" Electric Iron:
          "Do not iron clothes on body."

   - On a Swedish-made chainsaw:
          "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

   - On a plastic wheelbarrow:
          "Do not use when temperature exceeds 140 F." (That's 60
          C, metric fans!)
     [ Personally, I don't do much yard work when the
     temperature is above 120... ]

   - On a bag of KLM airline nuts:
          "mixed peanuts"

   - Also a little nuts is the notice on a packet of peanuts
     served on an internal flight in China (written in both
     English and Chinese):
          "Open packet and eat contents."
     [ Or else! ]

   - On a "Batman: The Animated Series Armor Set" children's
     Halloween costume:
          "... cape does not enable wearer to fly."

   - It's not their fault...  DelMonte once removed the
     directions from their canned corn which read:
          "Open can, heat, serve."
     But so many people complained about the missing directions
     they had to put them back on!

   - In the instructions for a NAPA automobile fan belt:
          "CAUTION: Before starting any service work, be sure
          that the engine is off."

   - On the handle of a carpenter's hammer:
          "CAUTION: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid
          object."
     [ A warning that hits the nail on the head! ]

   - A package that can't make up it's mind is the one for
     "Phillips Halogena 150W Light Bulbs."  The front of the
     package shows the bulb installed in a common table lamp and
     says:
          "...ideal for anywhere incandescent bulbs are used."
     But the back of the package warns:
          "Operating Instructions:
               Do not use lamp in close proximity to combustible
               materials.  Use outdoors in an enclosed fixture
               only."

   - On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
          "After opening, keep upright."

   - In the owner's manual for a GMC Safari Van:
          "Caution: If you get gasoline on yourself and something
          ignites it, you can be badly burned."
     [ But no where in the manual does it say something
     really useful, like: "If you drive like a moron and
     have an accident, you may die." ]

   - On a 35mm camera:
          "This camera only works when there is film inside."

   - From a bottle of Dr. Pepper soda:
          "Warning: Contents under pressure.  Cap may blow off
          causing eye or other serious injury.  Point away from
          people, especially while opening."

   - Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator
     sealant: 
          "Caution: Do not lick lid."
     [ Radiator Sealant?  Yummy! ]

   - A serious warning on a cloth roller towel in a restroom:
          "MAINTENANCE OPERATOR:  Failure to follow loading
          instructions could result in serious injury or death.
     [ And you thought that those minimum-wage janitors
     didn't have serious responsibilities, right? ]


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BEACH, BEACH, BEACH...
-------------------
     "I am growing weary of seeing chemicals with warning labels
that imply that I shall die a horrible death simply by looking at
the contents.  A warning label should inform me of any REAL
hazards, and of the precautions I should take when handling the
reagent, and should not serve only to cover the manufacturer's
derriere should some lawyer-happy numbskull decide to bathe in
the product."
     "A case in point from Fisher Scientific:"

     ----------
     CAUTION:  May be harmful if inhaled.  May cause
     irritation.  Inhalation may produce irritation,
     coughing and acute pneumoconiosis from overwhelming
     exposure to dust.  May cause a rapidly-developing
     pulmonary insufficiency, labored breathing, tachypnea
     and cyanosis followed by cor pulmonale and a short
     survival time.  More frequently, after 10-25 years
     exposure, labored breathing, dry cough, chest pain,
     decreased vital capacity and diminished chest expansion
     may occur and progress to marked fatigue, extreme
     labored breathing and cyanosis, anorexia, cough with
     stringy mucous, pleuratic pain and incapacity to work. 
     Death may result from cardiac failure or destruction of
     lung tissue with resulting anoxia.  Has caused
     tumorigenic effects in laboratory animals.  Skin
     contact may cause irritation and dermatitis.  Eye
     contact may cause redness, irritation, and
     conjunctivitis...
     -----------

     "Yes indeed, all of this fits right on the bottle.  And just
what is this hazardous product?
     SEA SAND, washed
     "God help me, I'll never go to the beach again!"
                            - Sam Conway 
                                   Chemistry Dept., Dartmouth
                                   College

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WHEEL LIFE WARNINGS...
-------------------
     Finally, a good warning label from the folks who make "Rock
Shox" bicycle shock absorbers:

     "IMPORTANT SAFETY NOTICE!  Read before you ride, modify
     or work on this bicycle...  Riding a bike is dangerous. 
     Not maintaining it or inspecting it is even more
     dangerous.  If you don't want to take any risks, or are
     the type of person who blames everyone else for
     whatever goes wrong in your life, do not use our
     stuff!!  If you do decide to use our stuff, don't be a
     dummy, read the directions.  It might save your life."


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