Hello again, friends...
So here I am trying to write something about April Fools, an
the first thing I see in the newspaper is that Dan Quayle has
announced that he is running for president of the U. S.
Now, some people believe that Dan Q. is as dumb as a bag of
hammers, but I don't think he's quite that stupid. But even his
biggest supporters have to admit that he does have an usual
talent for saying really stupid things. It's like he could get
lost in thought and need a map to find his way back. Who knows -
maybe having a president who says stupid things would be a
pleasant change from having a president that DOES stupid things,
but I do have to wonder what effect it will have on the country.
Maybe it's selfish of me, but I almost hope he wins; with his
ability to say foolish things I'd have at least four years of
guaranteed SUNFUN material.
It isn't that everyone is stupid all of the time, but
everyone does something foolish now and again. Take that group
of elderly politicians in Japan who are suing a newspaper there
because it called them "the Viagra group." Here in America,
former Presidential candidate and U.S. Senator Bob Dole is making
very good money as the TV spokesman for Viagra. I have a joke
for this, but it would be in such bad taste that it might be
insulting to the folks I need to thank.
Right! That WOULD be stupid!
So, in honor of the Oscars, we'll try to keep this Thank you
list to less than two pages, even though so many of you have sent
such wonderful material and suggestions. Just a few of the folks
I need to thank are: Eva Lu YuHwa; Hao Chunjie; Carol Becwar;
Sylvia Libin He; Laura Hong Li; Jerry Taff; Kerry Miller; the
guys with class - George, Jeff, Mike, Ray and Yong; Timothy
McChain; Beth Butler; Yukari Kawabata; Fumiko Umino; Sue Yan;
Alison Becwar; Dale Frederickson and Tomoko Naito & Mike Fagan of
Mokonet. OK, all, let's all be careful out there as we take
another look at human weakness.
Have An Great Week!
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GOING ON FOREVER...
----------------
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live
forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
Universe contest
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OH, ***THAT*** JORDAN...
---------------------
One of the first celebrities to comment on the recent death
of King Hussien of Jordan was Mariah Carey.
Carey told CNN, "I'm inconsolable at the present time. I was
a very good friend of Jordan's, he was probably the greatest
basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see
his like again".
When reporters explained that it was the King of Jordan that
had died, not Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls basketball
team, Carey was quickly led away by her security team in a state
of "confusion." (USA TODAY)
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LACK OF CLASS...
-------------
Have you ever been in a class and been absolutely sure that
you had no chance to get a passing grade? That's the feeling
that Steve Levendusky of Waterloo, Iowa must have had recently.
Levendusky was attending the second of eight driver safety
classes because of an alcohol-related offense. It probably
wasn't a the best idea to show up for the second class legally
drunk.
"Apparently, it hadn't taken yet," said the assistant
director of the education program. (AP)
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"Life is hard, but it's even harder if you're stupid."
- George V. Higgins
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SELF-SERVICE
------------
A gas station clerk in Indianapolis, Indiana brought self
service to a new level last week. The lone night clerk at the
Bigfoot Food Store decided he'd had enough, and hit the road mid-
shift, leaving the customers to end for themselves.
According the one astonished patron, the clerk just threw up
his hands and exclaimed, "You guys can pay someone else," before
hopping on his moped and leaving.
The twenty people waiting in line did pretty well, taking
over the station and running it until a manager from another
station could arrive.
"We feel very fortunate to have customers that will do the
right thing, and we are very thankful that we have people like
that shopping with us," said a pleased manager for Johnson Oil
Company, the owners of the station. He also said that the
company intended to reward the loyal customers.
No word on exactly what kind of reward the company intends
for the clerk who abandoned ship. (AP)
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FOR WHOM THE BELL DOESN'T TOLL...
------------------------------
A man in Anaheim, California found a critical letter that
explains some of the mysteries about one of America's national
symbols. The Liberty Bell in Philadelphia was nearly sold for
scrap in the middle of the 19th century, but has become a famous
tourist attraction. It is probably the world's most famous
cracked bell.
Ken Pass is a direct descendant of the Philadelphia foundry
owner who recast the bell in 1753 after it arrived in poor
condition from England. In a 1752 letter that Pass found in his
family's archives, a ship captain explained that his cargo was
damaged when it shifted during a storm at sea.
Pass made a copy of the ancient letter at the Anaheim Public
Library last February 5th. Later that same day, he realized it
was missing. The library searched the building and delayed trash
collection until the entire library had been searched, all to no
avail.
No trace of the lost letter has been seen since, so we may
never know for sure. (AP)
[ Do you get the feeling that the bell isn't
the only thing that a little cracked? ]
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AT LEAST HE MAY GIVE UP SMOKING...
-------------------------------
For reasons unknown, Michael McGilbra of Las Vegas, Nevada
found himself so overwhelmed by life that he decided to kill
himself. So he opened a gas valve and laid back on his bed.
After a time, boredom overcame self destruction and he fell sound
asleep. Apparently, McGilbra was unaware that natural gas is not
poisonous. Maybe he began to realize that when he woke up some
time later. Instinctively, he reached for a cigarette and lit
it.
The resulting gas explosion blew the roof off of his
apartment building, causing $500,000 damage and destroying much
of the building. Whatever problems McGilbra faced before, they
have only become worse, since police arrested him for endangering
property and malicious injury to private property. (AP)
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INTELLECTUAL APPRECIATION....
-------------------------
"I'm a big fan of hers. She's a sexy woman. Got great
[impolite word for "breasts"], and she's really good-looking for
an old broad."
- Talk show host Geraldo Rivera
on newsperson Barbara Walters
[ That explains a lot about the "quality" of
his TV show... ]
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TIMING IS EVERYTHING?
--------------------
The commercials that ABC ran during Barbara Walters
interview with Monica Lewinsky were a very strange mix. Now I
know that nearly everything about the whole "Monica Affair"
begins to sound an off-color joke after a while, but it does
almost seem like there was some sort of subliminal message.
These five commercials during the interview were:
- An ad for women's underwear by Victoria's Secret.
- An ad for Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party,
and I'll Cry if I Want To."
- Toothbrush maker Oral-B Deluxe.
- A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the voice-over:
"When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader
in the world."
- A commercial for Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It
actually has the power to remove stains!"
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ENGENDERING SOME DIFFICULTIES...
-----------------------------
Eighteen-year-old car theft suspect Sydney Mitchell spent
two months in the men's wing of a Georgia jail before anyone
noticed that he was a she. How could that happen?
"I guess we could have been more observant," one of the
jail's guards said.
[ I guess they miss a couple of things now
and a again... ]
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ON TRACK...
--------
Writer Kevin Rowe was trying to recapture some of the simple
joys of youth. One thing that he remembered was the fun of
making a souvenir by putting a coin on the railroad track to be
flattened by a passing train. Rowe found a busy rail line near
his home in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, placed a coin on the track,
and watched a southbound freight train approaching to flatten his
coin.
In fact, he was watching so intently that never noticed a
northbound train that was passing at almost the same time. And
it probably would have been a little smarter if he hadn't chosen
to watch while standing on the northbound tracks.
"I was very much aware of the first train," he said. "I was
utterly oblivious to the second one."
Fortunately for Rowe, he didn't stay oblivious permanently;
though seriously injured, he will recover completely. (Reuters)
[ And hopefully his next "fun adventure" will
be a little more off the beaten track. ]
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WHAT'S IN A NAME?
----------------
Not even waiting for the Y2K problem, medical device maker
Invivo Research discovered recently that one of it's products may
respond erratically to the year 1999. Because of a bug in the
software, sometimes the display and the printer will show
different dates.
So, what's silly about that? The name of this mis-dated
machine is the "Millenia [sic] 3500." (AAMI News, February,
1999)
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IN DEEP...
-------
A man who stopped late one night at an outhouse in a Kansas
state park somehow managed to drop his wallet down the hole.
Since there was a fair amount of money in the wallet, he
attempted to retrieve it by taking off his shoes and putting his
foot down into the pit in an attempt to grab it with his toes.
Police found him the next morning, stuck in the part of the
outhouse you normally don't visit. Somehow, he'd lost his
balance and fallen through the hole.
Police reported that, even after being pulled out and hosed
off, he was "in a pretty ugly mood."
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GREAT GEOPOLITICAL INSIGHTS BY WORLD LEADERS...
--------------------------------------------
"China is a large country inhabited by many Chinese."
- French President Charles
DeGaulle
[ And he was expecting that China would be
home to who? Bolivians? ]
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NOT CLEAR ON THE CONCEPT DEPARTMENT...
-----------------------------------
For some strange reason, an Illinois man kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different banks, where
the kidnapper withdrew money from his own bank account.
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STAINLESS MEAL...
--------------
Doctors in Taormina, Italy recently treated a man for
indigestion. It might have been something he ate. Doctors found
that the man had swallowed 2 cigarette lighters, 46 teaspoons and
a pair of salad tongs.
[ Personally, I find that story a little hard
to swallow... ]
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LAW AND DISORDER...
----------------
While Congress debates how to control urban terrorism, the
City Council in Chico, California has decided to act before it's
too late. They passed a law that set a $500 fine for anyone who
explodes an atomic bomb inside the city limits.
[ Assuming anyone can FIND the city limits
after the explosion, of course... ]
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THE ACTOR AS PHILOSOPHER
------------------------
"In an action film you act in the action. If it's a
dramatic film you act in the drama."
- Actor Jean-Claude Van Damme,
explaining how he does it on the TV
show "Lifestyles of the Rich and
Famous."
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MAGNET FOR TROUBLE...
------------------
A woman in Akureyi, Iceland was driving down a road last
week when another car suddenly came out of a parking lot and
smashed into her vehicle. This was pretty big news in Iceland,
since the whole country only has a population of 270,000 and it's
possible to drive for hours without ever seeing another car.
After the usual hassles of police reports and towing, the
woman rented a car. The next day as she was driving along
another road, a car shot through a red light and plowed into her
rental car. The driver who hit her said that the low sunlight
impaired his vision. Police might believe the story more if it
wasn't the _same_ guy who struck her in the parking lot the day
before. (Reuters)
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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