NUTCRACKER!

Ho-Ho-Ho There, All!
     Well, we've done it again.  It's another holiday season that
arrived at top speed.  No excuses this year - especially since
we still have five days before Christmas.  It sure is a busy time
of the year.  I'm hoping we'll get a little snow for the
Holidays; this is Wisconsin, after all.  Christmas here just
doesn't look right without snow.  Then it should stop snowing
until next Christmas.
     But for right now, the lights are up and the people are
shopping and singing - and fighting for parking places in the
mall parking lots.  But the spirit of the season seems to rise
above all of that.  We may think that all of the world's troubles
make the phrase "Peace On Earth, Goodwill Toward Men" seem
hollow, but it isn't.  The joy and love in our hearts rises above
the difficulties of the world.  After all, who would have thought
that Bill Clinton's best political ally would have turned out to
be Saddam Hussein?
     If nothing else, holidays are a nice time to tell our
friends and relatives how much we appreciate them.  Just hope
that you don't slobber it out after that sixth rum punch at the
company Christmas party.  But we do appreciate all of our
friends, especially at this time of year.  Special Holiday thanks
to the SUNFUN elves: Etsuko Hori, Jerry Taff, Timothy McChain,
Akiko Ogino, Sylvia Libin He, Fumiko Umino, Howard Lesniak, Harry
Cherkinian, Eva Yuhwa Lu, Dale Frederickson, Toshi & Yukari
Kawabata, Peter Adler, and Laura Hong Li.  And a special
congratulations to new grandfather Kerry Miller, too.  So,
whether your tradition is to celebrate Christmas, Chanukah or
Ramadan - or all of the above - The Happiest of Holidays to all
of you from us here at SUNFUN Central.
     And to All, A Good Night!

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ARE FURBIES A GAS, OR WHAT?
--------------------------
     The hot toy this year?  Maybe it's in keeping with our times
that it isn't an ugly-cute Cabbage Patch Doll, or even a cuddly
Beanie Baby.  No - not even a silly Tickle Me Elmo.
     No, this year's hot toy is a "Furby," a talking,
gremlin-like glob of fur with big ears and crude manners.
     "We obviously feel strongly that Furby is the candidate for
the hottest toy of the season," said Michael Glazer, chief
executive of KayBee Toys.
     The interactive toy from Hasbro seems to talk back to kids,
but also has the ability to burp and make other child-delighting
impolite sounds.
     Maybe he was speaking more about toy industry economics, but
Toys-R-Us President Bruce Krysiak's prediction sounds pretty
accurate, saying, "This is not the premier season of the decade."
          [ From Betsy-Wetsy to Flatulent Furby in just
          a generation?  I hate to think what might be
          next. ]


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ALL DOLLED UP...
-------------
     Of course we always assumed that Barbie, fashion doll for
the generations, would never show her age.  But it turns out that
this isn't quite true.  Mattel, makers of the world's most
popular doll, announced earlier this year that Barbie would get a
makeover, and that the new Barbie would wear less makeup and have
a more youthful face and a more realistic figure.  Feminists had
long complained that the old doll's 38-18-34 scale figure was too
unlike any possible real women.
     "The new body has a smaller chest, a larger waist and
smaller hips," said Mattel spokesman Sean Fitzgerald.
     What effect this will have on the recently announced
"Baywatch" Barbie is unknown.   The producers of the TV show have
worked incredibly hard to find women who actually look like
Barbie dolls.  Maybe it's no surprise that they share bleached
blond hair, empty heads, perfect bodies and plastic chests with
the well-known doll.
     It surprises some that this is not the first time the
40-year-old Barbie doll has been reworked, having only received
her current face in 1977.  Whatever the changes, they must be
working - the Mattel folks say that the average American girl now
owns about eight Barbie dolls, up from just one in the early
1980s.  (Reuters)


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MORE BARBIES?
------------
     Barbie tie-ins have become quite common in the past few
years.  We just mentioned "Baywatch" Barbie, but another big
seller this year was "Motorcycle" Barbie, made by Mattel in a
special promotional deal with Harley-Davidson.  The $60 Barbie,
wearing a brown leather jacket, goggles, gloves, chaps and boots,
quickly sold out at Harley dealerships across the U.S.  Though no
more are available, toy traders have been offering them on the
Internet for $200 and up.
     Maybe this suggests an untapped market for specialty Barbie
Dolls.  Think of the fortunes that await:


   - Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
          homesteaders important tips like what hair conditioner
          to use out on the Plains and how to take care of their
          nails while shoeing horses.

   - Closet Barbie:  A Ken doll that secretly wears Barbie's
          clothes.

   - America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 40
          years of crime against feminism.

   - White House Intern Barbie:  Doll features bendable knees.

   - Oprah Barbie: This talking doll discusses her battle with
          eating disorders, her obsession with appearance and
          material things and her inability to get any commitment
          from Ken.

   - Murder, Barbie Wrote:  Whenever this elder stateswoman of
          the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in  the playhouse,
          one of the other dolls will mysteriously disappear.

   - L. L. Bean Barbie:  Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal
          feet and comfortable sandals.  Made from recycled
          materials.

   - Taliban Barbie:  Doll wears traditional Moslem robes that
          are permanently glued on and has no accessories.

   - Bisexual Barbie:  Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

   - Blue Collar Barbie:  Comes with overalls, protective
          goggles, hard hat, lunch pail, and UAW membership.
          Waitress outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
          separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs
          in order to make ends meet.

   - Rebbe Barbie:  So why not?  Women rabbis are on the cutting
          edge in the Jewish faith.  Rebbe Barbie comes with
          satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish
          cup and Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for
          doorway of Barbie's Townhouse.

   - Don't Ask, Don't Tell Barbie: Formerly known as G. I. Joe.

   - Hacker Barbie: Instead of the sexist "Math is hard!" whining
          of previous Barbies, this Barbie says, "I love TCP/IP!"
          and "Oh, oh - Core Dump.  You must have overwritten the
          input buffer."  Comes with unkempt hair, glasses, and
          comfortable clothes.  Accessories include pocket
          protector, simulated two-day-old cold pizza and clone
          400 MHz, Pentium-II tower.


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IS IT THE REAL SANTA, OR A SUBORDINATE CLAUS?
--------------------------------------------
     Where's the best place in the world to hire Santas?  Well,
if the culture shock of an Asian Santa isn't too great, you can
have a Vietnamese Santa's helper for only about $2 (in the city,
14 cents more if you live in the countryside).
     "Father Christmas will bring the gifts you have chosen to
whoever you want," said an employee of the official Lua Viet
Travel Center.
     Although Christmas isn't an official holiday in communist
Vietnam, nearly 10% of the country's 78 million people are
Catholic.  Once regarded with some suspicion as a holdover from
French colonial rule, in recent years Father Christmas been
gaining in popularity.  (Reuters) 

     ---------------

     Britain, on the other hand, has a Santa shortage. 
Employment agencies have had a problem finding enough actors to
play Santa at department stores.  It isn't because of a shortage
of applicants, it's that the ones showing up for the part are too
athletic looking.  Apparently, healthy eating and workouts at the
gym are taking a toll on the available Santa stock.
     "They're too thin," a spokesman for the Ministry of Fun
entertainment agency said.  "We just cannot find any suitable
actors who are still, shall we say, on the porky side.  All the
applicants seem to live on salads and look after their bodies." 
(Reuters)


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HO! HO! HOLDUP!
--------------
     Ever wonder where Santa gets the money for all of those
toys?  Maybe we finally have the answer from Germany, where a
series of robberies suggest that Father Christmas might be
working part time as Father Criminal.
     Three men in Santa outfits robbed a gambling hall just
before last Christmas in the eastern German town of Friedland. 
Raiding the till at the bar and the slot machines, the Santa
bandits escaped with a large sum of money.
     This was part of a string of Christmas crimes that struck
Germany around the same time, all involving psuedo-Santas.  Other
holiday holdups included a convenience store in Aschaffenburg and
a supermarket near Nuremberg, where the guy in the red suit made
off with 5,000 marks ($3,000).  (Reuters)


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WHERE SANTA IS A WOMAN...
----------------------
     Most of us picture Santa as a genial, elderly guy with a
beard and white hair.  But that's not quite true in Hong Kong. 
There Santa is really a female postal worker identified only as
Carol (Would that be Christmas Carol?).
     "We reply individually to Christmas mail for Santa Claus
with our Hongkong Post Christmas cards if the senders' addresses
are provided," said Carol.
     Questions posed by the children include all of the normal
requests, and a few that are unique to Hong Kong.  Children in
the densely populated city worry that Santa won't be able to get
into their buildings because there is no fireplace, and they
worry that Santa may leave Hong Kong now that the British aren't
running things.
     Over 1,800 Christmas cards arrived for Santa last year and
Hongkong Post is expecting even more this year.
     "Some of them will simply write down a wish list of toys and
gadgets...  Others will ask Santa to help them improve their
grades at school or even become more popular," Carol said. 
(Reuters)


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YOU'VE BEEN BEANED AT THE BORDER
--------------------------------
     One of the strangest toy stories this year is a war on the
usually peaceful border with Canada.  No, it's not over
cigarettes or alcohol this time, it's over Beanie Babies.
     The small, cute, stuffed toys are a popular fad in the U.S.,
with unbelievably high prices for "discontinued" Beanies - some
into the thousands of dollars.
     Our Canadian friends are apparently less taken with the
toys, and there is a large supply there, including some toys made
only for the Canadian market.
     With good supplies and a favorable money situation, the
makers of Beanie Babies have put very tight rules on importing
the popular toy from Canada: only one Beanie per traveller per
month.
     Meant to stop commercial sales, this rule has been unpopular
with parents and kids who have been threatened with having their
favorite toys seized as illegal imports.  It's unpopular with the
customs officials also, since they hate looking like the meanies
who take Beanies.
     "We look like ogres," lamented Customs officer Bob Blanchard
from his post on the border at St. Albans, Maine.  "We're getting
flooded with calls from people who want to know if their
7-year-old daughters can bring their entire collection of beanies
with them into Canada, and back out again," Blanchard said. "To
do that, they have to fill out paperwork in advance.  And what do
we tell a grandmother who's crossed the border to pick up a few
little Beanies for a birthday present?"
     The best customs officials can do for now is to give out a
toll-free number to TY, Incorporated, the manufacturer of the
toys, so people can obtain special permission to bring in more
than one Beanie at a time.
          [ So, there's at least one kind of Christmas
          Customs we can do without! ]


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TOY PHILOSOPHY...
--------------
     With all of our different traditions of culture and
religion, how do we determine which toy story is correct?  Here's
a quick guide:


   - Capitalism  -  He who dies with the most toys, wins.

   - Hari Krishna  -  He who plays with the most toys, wins.

   - Orthodox Judaism  - Toys are fine, except on Saturday.

   - Reform Judaism  -  Toys are fine, except if the Rabbi sees
          you out playing with them on Saturday.

   - Catholicism  -  He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

   - Anglican  -  They were our toys first.

   - Greek Orthodox  -  No, they were OURS first.

   - Atheism  -  There is no toy maker.

   - Islam  -  The Prophet said toys are fine.  But lose the guy
               in the red suit.

   - Polytheism  -  There are many toy makers.

   - Evolutionism  -  The toys made themselves.

   - Buddhism  -  The desire for toys hurts our ability to play
               with the toys.

   - Hinduism  -  We play with the same toys over and over again.

   - Church of Christ, Scientist  -  We are the toys.

   - Communism  -  Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you
               go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch
               you selling yours.

   - Baha'i  -  All toys are just fine with us.

   - Amish  -  Toys with batteries are surely a sin.

   - Taoism  -  The doll is as important as the dump truck.

   - Mormonism  -  Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.

   - Voodoo  -  Let me borrow that doll for a second...

   - Hedonism  - Don't worry about the instructions!  Let's just
               play!

   - Seventh Day Adventist  -  He who plays with his toys on
               Saturday, loses.

   - Church of Christ  -  He whose toys make music, loses.

   - Baptist  - God will take care of the toys.

   - Jehovah's Witnesses  -  He who "places" the most toys
               door-to-door, wins.

   - Pentecostalism  -  He whose toys can talk, wins.

   - Existentialism  -  All toys are a figment of your
               imagination.

   - Confucianism  -  Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no
               longer dry.

   - Non-denominationalism  -  We don't care where the toys came
               from, we'll play with them anyway.


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                  HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE SUNDAY FUNNIES!

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© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.