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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #122 - 12/13/1998

BAD ADS!

The Worst in Advertising...

Greetings, Fellow Audience Members!
     I called a friend on the phone last week and got a busy
signal...  Now, that's commonplace enough, right?  But this time,
besides that electronic 'beep ... beep ... beep,' there was a
voice-over saying, "Have Ameritech dial this number for you when
it's not busy..."  That service costs money, of course, so they
are, in fact, selling you something.  Yup, they've finally done it. 
They've put advertising on your phone - besides those jerks that
bother you by calling during dinner to sell timeshares, I mean.
     It does seem that it's impossible to escape these days, with
even children in schools being seen as a "viable audience." 
Especially this time of year, with all of the Christmas ads.  We
get ads on radio and television, in movies, by phone, in our mail,
in spammy email, and on billboards as we drive down the road - I
have come to be almost surprised about not finding ads printed on
toilet paper.  And it's no longer enough just to wear a shirt - it
has to be a brand name shirt with a Nike "Swoosh" or a little
alligator.  Enough, already!
     A non-commercial SUNFUN Thank You! this week to our pals: Mark
"Nutcracker" Becwar, Jerry Taff, Sylvia Libin He, Mike & Charlene
Hersh, Dale Frederickson, Timothy McChain, Peter Adler, Carol
Becwar, Laura Hong Li, Sue Yan & Carlos Gallegos, Harry Cherkinian,
and Nnamdi Elleh (Have a great trip to Nigeria, too, Nnamdi!).  And
a special thanks to Harry Cherkinian for his suggestion on what to
call our SUNFUN contributors: "How about calling your group of
supporters 'Becwar-riors?'"  Not a bad idea, Harry!  
     Oh, and by the way folks, I still have three copies of "The
Complete Sunday Funnies" available before Christmas for only $19.99
plus shipping and handling.  Order Now!  As seen on the Internet!
     Have a Less Commercial Week!

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GOT THAT SINKING FEELING?
------------------------
     As I was starting to write this edition of Funnies, an ad
came on our local cable TV channel advertising the pay-per-view
premier of James Cameron's movie "Titanic."  As a special holiday
premium, they announced that people who signing up for the movie
would also be entered in a drawing.  The prize?  An all-expense
paid cruise for two.
     Isn't it a little odd to promote cruises in a movie that shows
over a thousand people drowning when their ship sinks?


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I THINK WE FOUND JUST ONE PLACE LEFT TO PUT ADS!
-----------------------------------------------
     Stuck for cash, the small town of Rotterdam, NY came up with
a unique proposal; they intend to place ads on the sides of the
town's police cars.
     The town's police cheif, Anthony Jasenski, didn't quite go
as far as to call them ads, he termed the proposal an "adopt-a-
car" program with the intention to use the money to buy new
equipment for the police cars and paramedic vehicles.
     Jasenski prefers to call the placards "acknowledgments." 
(Reuters)
          [ Ads they'd reject:  Funeral Homes, Guns &
          Ammo Magazine, Target Stores... ]


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BADVERTISING
------------
     These are actual ads, collected from many different sources. 
I have tried to reproduce the typography of the originals as
closely as Email allows, thought you'll have to use your
imagination a little:

  --------------------

                          Auto Repair Service.  
                 Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once,
                      you'll never go anywhere again.

  --------------------

  On a store coupon:
                            Stock up and save.

                                Limit one.

  --------------------

                     Semi-annual after Christmas sale.

          [ For those leap-Christmases, I suppose... ]

  --------------------

                                 The Most
                                 Romantic 
                                Love Songs
                              From The '50's!

  And one of the romantic songs? -

                    - Sixteen Tons - Tennessee Ernie Ford

  --------------------

                         HALLOWEEN MASQUERADE BALL
                               OCTOBER 29TH
                        (SORRY, NO MASKS PERMITTED)

  --------------------

                 Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook
                  with round bottom for efficient beating.

          [ And, what if I'm not a cook with a round bottom? ]

  --------------------

  A magazine Ad for the King-Seeley Thermos Co. in 1983 run along
  with pictures of assorted Thermos (R) coolers and other
  products:

               "IT TAKES MORE THAN BIG JUGS AND
               NICE CHESTS TO ATTRACT CUSTOMERS?"

          [ Let me guess, you've been hanging out in
          the guy's locker room alot, right? ]

  --------------------

  In 1985, The Ramada Renaisance Hotel in Denver ran an ad with
  this copy:
                            "FREE HOTEL ROOM *"

  Then, way down at the bottom it said:

              * Parking $55.00/night (Parking is mandatory).

          [ Deceptive?  You bet your asterisk. ]

  --------------------

                             Get rid of aunts.
                       ZAP does the job in 24 hours.

          [ Great! Start with Aunt Dorothy. ]

  --------------------

                                Used Cars:
                      Why go elsewhere to be cheated.
                             Come here first.

  --------------------

                               FREE SEMINAR
                          HOW TO ERASE BED CREDIT

          [ Now there's a seminar to sleep through... ]

  --------------------

  A flower shop ad featuring a photo of a floral basket:

                                    FUN
                                 SAFE SEX
                          Condom Bouquet  $12.95

          [ The first guy who gets one of these for my
          daughter is going to end up singing soprano. ]

  --------------------

                                  SEAWEED
                                WEIGHT LOSS
                                   SOAP
                             EASIEST WAY EVER
                       To Slim Down Without Dieting
                         -Proven Throughout Asia
                         -Tested on TV's "Hard Copy!"
                         -First Time Available in the USA!

          [ Real quick now - are you supposed to eat it
          or wash with it? ]

  --------------------

                             COMPLETE FUNERAL
                           - Free Pick-up
                           - Free Embalming
                           - Free Metal Casket
                           - Free Viewing
                           - One Limousine Free
                              $999.00
                   "Please Bring Newspaper Ad With You"
                       Toston-La Frans Funeral Home

          [ They save money by getting their flowers
          from the condom bouquet guys above. ]

  --------------------

                                1st Annual
                                 GOING OUT
                                OF BUSINESS
                                  SALE!!!
                            Randy's Camera Shop

          [ Don't worry, they go out of business every
          year. ]

  --------------------

  An Ad for Southern Federal Bank:

                    Free personalized checks.
                    Free travelers' checks.
                    Free money orders.
                    Free cashier's checks.
                    Free notary services.
                    Free safe deposit boxes.
                    Free registered keychain.
                    $15,000 insurance policy.
                    Itemized monthly statements.
                    No minimum balance.
                    No catch.
                    All for _$3_ a month.

          [ Doesn't $3 a month sound a little like like
          a catch? ]

  --------------------

                                DAIRY DAYS
                        Plant Sale & Other "Stuff"
                             Saturday & Sunday
                                   FREE
                              ICE CREAM CONES
                           --------------------
                           100% Pure Cow Manure
                     Was $3.19     NOW $2.99 (40 lbs.)
                           --------------------

          [ Oh.  That must be the the "stuff" ]

  --------------------

  A Supermarket ad in an Alabama Newspaper -

                     BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY PASSOVER
                                 [ LOGO ]
                               Piggly-Wiggly

          [ This pleasant holiday greeting would
          probably look more sincere if the logo for the
          supermarket chain wasn't a cartoon pig wearing
          a butcher's hat. ]


  But other folks have made the same mistake - check this ad
  correction for Publix Supermarkets from "The State" newspaper
  in Columbia, SC:

          "Lykes Sliced Ham was placed in the Passover
          section of the Publix insert... . This was an
          honest error, and we certainly did not intend
          any offense."

  Even more kosher clueless is another supermarket coupon:

                                  .25 OFF
                        TOWARD THE PURCHASE OF ANY
                             Season Brand Ham
                               For Passover

          [ Now that's definitely "Un-Orthodox!" ]

  --------------------

                       _SAFEWAY_SUPERMARKETS_COUPON_
                                 Kellogg's
                               Raisin Brain
                               20 oz Cereal
                                   $1.99

          [ Raisin Brain? ]

  --------------------

  A Sporting Goods Ad in a Montana Newspaper:

                             Montana Gun Works
                              Smith & Wesson
                  Girl Scout Cookies W/Each Gun Purchased

          [ How sweet... ]

  --------------------

  Ad for a Sears Sewing Machine in the Kansas City Star:

          Built-in
          Buttholer!
                                    [ Photo ]
          SAVE 40%

                    Convertible free-arm sewing machine
                                        Reg. $199.95
                         $159.99

          [ Button!  I MEANT BUTTON! ]

  --------------------

  A Walgreen's Drugstore Coupon Ad:

               Walgreens non-constipating
                                  SLIP-ON
                               THONG SANDALS
                                  2/$1.00
                          Coupon sale thru 7/4/87
                                  Limit 2

          [ Maybe it helps to wear the sandals while
          using the sewing machine. ]

  --------------------

  And Finally, an Important Notice from Your Local Newspaper:

                                 IMPORTANT
                            PLEASE READ YOUR AD
                    for errors the first day it ap-
                    pears.  The Press-Enterprise
                    Co.assumesnoresponsiblityaf-
                    ter  the   first  insertion.
                    If you are  placing  an  ad,
                    correcting one or cancelling
                    one,  PLEASE check  your ad!
                    All  claims  for  adjustment
                    must  be made within 15 days
                    after expiration of ad.

          [ OKguys,anythingyousay! ]


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EXPECTING A CATALOG MISTAKE?
---------------------------
     Page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew Catalog featured a photo
of a very pregnant woman wearing a maternity sweater (one that's
very full cut in front).  The catalog description reads:

          "Room for two.  A sweater that just seems a
          natural for now.  Soft.  Comfortable.
          Uncomplicated.  And unconfining by design. 
          Our wool rollneck, shown here in loden, see
          p. 48 for additional colors and photos.
          Unisex sizes.  $52."

          [ Unisex size maternity seaters? ]


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JUST A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCKHEAD?
---------------------------------
     The Leo Burnett Advertising Agency had to withdraw an ad
shown on TV in Thailand after numerous complaints.  The potato
chip ad showed Adolph Hitler in uniform tasting chips in front of
a swastika and giving a Nazi salute.  Apparently, the ad was
intended as a joke.
     "The agency recognizes Hitler as one of history's most
despicable dictators and never intended to suggest otherwise," a
company statement added.  (Reuters)
          [ So what was the story of this ad supposed
          to be?  Buy our chips or we'll invade Russia? ]


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GUY STUFF...
---------
     Consumer Reports for November of this year had an example of
an unusually sexist ad from the Sportsman's Guide Catalog
Company.  Even the copy for their multi-drawer wood tool and
utility box tries for a two-fisted tone somewhere between
Hemingway and Mickey Spillane.
     "Oh sure," the ad says, "we let her do most of the
decorating, and drop a few little pillows here and there...  But
the bottom line is that we've still got to have a place for our
stuff."  The ad goes on with more hairy-chested storage
suggestions for the kind of stuff a real, manly man might have.
     So, what's the problem with that?  Outside of the overblown
sexism, not too much.  Except that the photo in the catalog shows
the big boys box filled with sewing notions, thread and an
embroidery hoop.  And maybe a string of pearls.  Sure, just the
stuff for us real guys.


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© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.