I think they must all be too busy this week. So much
packing and working on projects. Too busy to bother with me,
anyway. I'm the cat who runs this place -- Sadie's my name. As
long as they keep the bowl full of food, I don't mind them
running around like blind mice. It gives me more time to sleep
under the bed.
You humans don't know much about us cats, really. You
probably don't know that a group of cats is called a clutter
(some humans say clowder). You also don't realize that we cats
are smarter than you are. Don't think so? Ask yourself, do you
let other, unrelated folks stay in the house and eat for free?
Sleep whenever and wherever they want to? Have an attitude?
Make strange smells and noises and occasionally throw up on the
living room rug? Anyone else would be out on their tail in an
ear twitch. Why, you don't even realize why we do the fur ball
thing. I just thought you should know the rules.
I see there is a list of people we're supposed to thank this
week. Some of us cats have a real problem with saying 'Thank
You.' It's part of that whole attitude thing -- probably more
than a little neurotic, right? Well, I'm OK with that. But the
list says we should thank: Timothy McChain, John Peterson, Carol
Becwar (I like her - she smells good), Peter Adler, Jerry Taff,
Kerry Miller, Sarah Morsman, Laura Hong Li, Kiyomi Kanazawa and
Dick Ginkowski. I suppose I will have to TRY to ignore those
people a little less when they come over. It's the least I can
Have a purrfect week...
Sadie Cat firstname.lastname@example.org
MICROSOFT'S LATEST CATASTROPHE?
You just had to know that cats would ***LOVE*** something as
finicky and attitude-filled as Windows, right? That's why it was
so amusing for us cats when a computer expert in Minnesota (where
ever that is) found a "potentially serious error" in the new
Computer specialist John Stewart reported that there was a
problem with the installation routine. As part of installing the
operating system, user are supposed to make a disk for
uninstalling the software. This is so you can go back to the old
operating system if the new one won't run. Problem is, the
'Uninstall' disk does not contain the file needed to remove
"It's like Ford selling you a car with instructions for
changing the tire, and when you open the trunk, the spare isn't
there," Stewart said.
Microsoft says you can find the missing program on the
Windows 98 CD-ROM, which is due for release on June 25th.
Besides, Microsoft said, they're sure you won't want to remove
Windows 98 once it's installed.
If there's one thing that cats understand, it's an attitude of
Let's face it, if you have a human, the house isn't really
yours anymore. Here are some handy tips you might wish to share
with your human so you can be more effective in running the
HUMANS - Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to
play with and give attention to us, and to clean the
litter box. It is important to maintain one's dignity
when around humans so that they will not forget who
runs the house.
BATHROOMS - Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare. We
find it amusing how many humans are shy about that.
BED - When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it
and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the
human is trying to rearrange. Protest loudly when
BEVERAGES - If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glass of
liquid, immediately stick your face into the glass. If
the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into the
liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test.
Other good sources for a quick drink are toilet bowls,
dripping water faucets, and the bathtub drain.
CHAIRS AND RUGS - In addition to being excellent napping spots,
chairs and carpets are ideal places to be sick. If you
have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. Can't find a
chair fast enough? Get to an Oriental rug. If there
is no Oriental rug, shag carpeting is good. When
throwing, cover as large an area as possible.
COMPUTER USE - Humans appreciate your involvement while they are
using the computer. Place your body between the human
and the display screen, tail in the human's face if
possible. Step on the keyboard periodically, being
sure to hold down random keys.
COOKING - When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
and comforted. Don't be too proud to beg insistently
for food samples.
DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS - If allowed outside, you should take every
opportunity to eat as much grass as possible. After
ingesting enough, whine and scratch at the door to be
let back in the house. After entering the house, head
for the traditional illness locations and let go.
DOORS - Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door
opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, it is not necessary to go inside.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about life. This is
especially important during very cold weather, rain,
snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be
avoided at all costs if you value your tail.
GARBAGE - When you steal some food from the trash that you are
not supposed to have (the greasier the better),
remember to drag it onto the carpet, where the smell
can be enjoyed for several days even if cleaned.
Better yet, hide food in unusual locations so that it
can age properly.
GIFTS - Should you catch something of your own outside,
carefully pick it up and carry it to the house. If the
door is closed, leave the "gift" on the doorstep. If
the door is open, or there is a cat-door, take it
inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. Live
birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a
good game of chase just as much as you do.
HAIRBALLS - Hairballs are a fact of life - everyone has them.
When you feel the urge to "cough up," announce it by
hacking and gagging as loudly as possible. Give the
humans only enough warning time to be alarmed that
you're about to ruin the carpet again, but not enough
time to pick you up and move you away.
HOUSEPLANTS - Houseplants are a treasure trove to the properly
observant cat. Smaller ones on shelves are great for
hockey practice. They make an alarmingly loud noise
when they hit the ground. The leaves of many
houseplants are a great dietary supplement, frequently
allowing you to barf on the carpet. The dirt in larger
floor plants is a convenient place when the litter box
is not handy.
MEALTIME - The "Quest For Food" should begin at least an hour
before the feeding times your humans have set for you,
because you just never know when their feeble minds
will fail to remind them of the all-important task of
nourishing you. Start with subtle reminders such as
hovering near the empty food dish, licking the dish and
sliding it around the room. Your efforts can escalate
to getting attention by knocking items off shelves,
chewing on houseplants, and meowing loudly in the room
where the food dish is. If there are other humans in
the house you shouldn't necessarily stop demanding food
after you have received your meal and gorged yourself.
Humans often fail to communicate with each other, and
you might receive a second meal.
READING & PAPERWORK - Humans value your assistance with paperwork
almost as much as they do at the computer. First, sit
on the paper or book being read. When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers or books,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After
being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,
and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human
is holding the newspaper, be sure to jump at the back
of the paper. They love pretending to be startled.
SLEEPING / NAPS - The well-educated cat knows that the first
rule of naptime location is color contrast. Light
colored cats should choose dark colored objects, and
vice versa. Properly done, the accumulation of shed
hair leaves attractive decoration on favorite chairs,
carpets, and human clothing. Late night naps are not
recommended; that's the ideal time to run wildly from
room to room, explore dresser tops, shelves, and small
areas. If a night time nap is necessary, always sleep
in bed with the human, preferably on top of them, so
they can't move around so much.
TOYS - Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to
take it away, it's a certain sign of a good toy. Run
with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged if the
human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where
it is put so you can steal it back later. Two reliable
sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets.
Some especially fun toys are used Q-Tips, Christmas
tree ornaments, keys, and writing implements. Don't
overlook the toilet paper dispenser for hours of
WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.
Remember - only you can train your human properly. It is a
serious responsibility, but also loads of fun.
© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.