Navigation & Music Control
 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #096 - 06/14/1998


Kitten On The Keys...

Oh, hello...
     I think they must all be too busy this week.  So much
packing and working on projects.  Too busy to bother with me,
anyway.  I'm the cat who runs this place -- Sadie's my name.  As
long as they keep the bowl full of food, I don't mind them
running around like blind mice.  It gives me more time to sleep
under the bed.
     You humans don't know much about us cats, really.  You
probably don't know that a group of cats is called a clutter
(some humans say clowder).  You also don't realize that we cats
are smarter than you are.  Don't think so?  Ask yourself, do you
let other, unrelated folks stay in the house and eat for free? 
Sleep whenever and wherever they want to?  Have an attitude? 
Make strange smells and noises and occasionally throw up on the
living room rug?  Anyone else would be out on their tail in an
ear twitch.  Why, you don't even realize why we do the fur ball
thing.  I just thought you should know the rules.
     I see there is a list of people we're supposed to thank this
week.  Some of us cats have a real problem with saying 'Thank
You.'  It's part of that whole attitude thing -- probably more
than a little neurotic, right?  Well, I'm OK with that.  But the
list says we should thank: Timothy McChain, John Peterson, Carol
Becwar (I like her - she smells good), Peter Adler, Jerry Taff,
Kerry Miller, Sarah Morsman, Laura Hong Li, Kiyomi Kanazawa and
Dick Ginkowski.  I suppose I will have to TRY to ignore those
people a little less when they come over.  It's the least I can
     Have a purrfect week...

     Sadie Cat


     You just had to know that cats would ***LOVE*** something as
finicky and attitude-filled as Windows, right?  That's why it was
so amusing for us cats when a computer expert in Minnesota (where
ever that is) found a "potentially serious error" in the new
Windows 98.
     Computer specialist John Stewart reported that there was a
problem with the installation routine.  As part of installing the
operating system, user are supposed to make a disk for
uninstalling the software.  This is so you can go back to the old
operating system if the new one won't run.  Problem is, the
'Uninstall' disk does not contain the file needed to remove
Windows 98.
     "It's like Ford selling you a car with instructions for
changing the tire, and when you open the trunk, the spare isn't
there," Stewart said.
     Microsoft says you can find the missing program on the
Windows 98 CD-ROM, which is due for release on June 25th. 
Besides, Microsoft said, they're sure you won't want to remove
Windows 98 once it's installed.
     If there's one thing that cats understand, it's an attitude of


     Let's face it, if you have a human, the house isn't really
yours anymore.  Here are some handy tips you might wish to share
with your human so you can be more effective in running the

 HUMANS - Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to
          play with and give attention to us, and to clean the
          litter box.  It is important to maintain one's dignity
          when around humans so that they will not forget who
          runs the house.

 BATHROOMS - Always accompany humans to the bathroom.  It is not
          necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.  We
          find it amusing how many humans are shy about that.

 BED  -   When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it
          and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the
          human is trying to rearrange.  Protest loudly when
          you're evicted.

 BEVERAGES - If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glass of
          liquid, immediately stick your face into the glass.  If
          the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into the
          liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. 
          Other good sources for a quick drink are toilet bowls,
          dripping water faucets, and the bathtub drain.

 CHAIRS AND RUGS - In addition to being excellent napping spots,
          chairs and carpets are ideal places to be sick.  If you
          have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.  Can't find a
          chair fast enough?  Get to an Oriental rug.  If there
          is no Oriental rug, shag carpeting is good.  When
          throwing, cover as large an area as possible.

 COMPUTER USE - Humans appreciate your involvement while they are
          using the computer.  Place your body between the human
          and the display screen, tail in the human's face if
          possible.  Step on the keyboard periodically, being
          sure to hold down random keys.

 COOKING - When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
          heel of the cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand
          a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up
          and comforted.  Don't be too proud to beg insistently
          for food samples.

 DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS - If allowed outside, you should take every
          opportunity to eat as much grass as possible.  After
          ingesting enough, whine and scratch at the door to be
          let back in the house.  After entering the house, head
          for the traditional illness locations and let go.

 DOORS - Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door
          opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. 
          Once door is opened, it is not necessary to go inside. 
          After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
          halfway in and out and think about life.  This is
          especially important during very cold weather, rain,
          snow, or mosquito season.  Swinging doors are to be
          avoided at all costs if you value your tail.

 GARBAGE - When you steal some food from the trash that you are 
          not supposed to have (the greasier the better),
          remember to drag it onto the carpet, where the smell
          can be enjoyed for several days even if cleaned. 
          Better yet, hide food in unusual locations so that it
          can age properly.

 GIFTS - Should you catch something of your own outside,
          carefully pick it up and carry it to the house.  If the
          door is closed, leave the "gift" on the doorstep.  If
          the door is open, or there is a cat-door, take it
          inside and leave it somewhere highly visible.  Live
          birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a
          good game of chase just as much as you do.

 HAIRBALLS - Hairballs are a fact of life - everyone has them.
          When you feel the urge to "cough up," announce it by
          hacking and gagging as loudly as possible.  Give the
          humans only enough warning time to be alarmed that
          you're about to ruin the carpet again, but not enough
          time to pick you up and move you away.

HOUSEPLANTS - Houseplants are a treasure trove to the properly
          observant cat.  Smaller ones on shelves are great for
          hockey practice.  They make an alarmingly loud noise
          when they hit the ground.  The leaves of many
          houseplants are a great dietary supplement, frequently
          allowing you to barf on the carpet.  The dirt in larger
          floor plants is a convenient place when the litter box
          is not handy.

MEALTIME - The "Quest For Food" should begin at least an hour
          before the feeding times your humans have set for you,
          because you just never know when their feeble minds
          will fail to remind them of the all-important task of
          nourishing you.  Start with subtle reminders such as
          hovering near the empty food dish, licking the dish and
          sliding it around the room.  Your efforts can escalate
          to getting attention by knocking items off shelves,
          chewing on houseplants, and meowing loudly in the room
          where the food dish is.  If there are other humans in
          the house you shouldn't necessarily stop demanding food
          after you have received your meal and gorged yourself.
          Humans often fail to communicate with each other, and
          you might receive a second meal.

READING & PAPERWORK - Humans value your assistance with paperwork
          almost as much as they do at the computer.  First, sit
          on the paper or book being read.  When dislodged, watch
          sadly from the side of the table.  When activity
          proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers or books,
          scattering them to the best of your ability.  After
          being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils,
          and erasers off the table, one at a time.  When a human
          is holding the newspaper, be sure to jump at the back
          of the paper.  They love pretending to be startled.

SLEEPING / NAPS - The well-educated cat knows that the first 
          rule of naptime location is color contrast.  Light
          colored cats should choose dark colored objects, and
          vice versa.  Properly done, the accumulation of shed
          hair leaves attractive decoration on favorite chairs,
          carpets, and human clothing.  Late night naps are not
          recommended; that's the ideal time to run wildly from
          room to room, explore dresser tops, shelves, and small
          areas.  If a night time nap is necessary, always sleep
          in bed with the human, preferably on top of them, so
          they can't move around so much.

TOYS - Any small item is a potential toy.  If a human tries to
          take it away, it's a certain sign of a good toy.  Run
          with it under the bed.  Look suitably outraged if the
          human grabs you and takes it away anyway.  Watch where
          it is put so you can steal it back later.  Two reliable
          sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. 
          Some especially fun toys are used Q-Tips, Christmas
          tree ornaments, keys, and writing implements.  Don't
          overlook the toilet paper dispenser for hours of
          hilarious fun.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
          possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
          when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
          and when they first get up in the morning.  This will
          help their coordination skills. 

Remember - only you can train your human properly.  It is a
serious responsibility, but also loads of fun.

© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.