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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #097 - 06/21/1998


A Sunday Salad...

Hi again, All!
     As the years roll along, I find myself sounding more and
more like my father.  It's a little strange sometimes to hear it
-- I'm sure my father thinks so, too.  Now that I have teenagers,
I'm at the age when I really remember my father's advice.  I have
to admit that much of it makes more sense to me now than when I
was a kid.
     The shocking thing is, most of my father's advice was so
simple.  At the very core of it, most all of the advice he gave
me can be boiled down to: try not to be stupid.  As blunt as that
sounds, it isn't bad advice, and it has kept me out of serious
trouble for a few decades.  Not that he was a stern taskmaster --
my father had to leave home at age 13, when the family couldn't
afford to feed all nine children during the depression.  Having
to fend for himself from such a young age gave him an interesting
     One example -- when I was first in college, I lived on the
third floor of a dormitory.  Somehow, we had lost something out
onto the second floor roof a dozen or so feet below.  So when my
father came to pick me up that Friday evening, the first thing he
saw on coming in the door was his son going out the window on a
rope.  What would most fathers say in a situation like that? 
Right.  His response?  "You should let me go out, since I'm
     So, Thanks this week to my father, Bernie Becwar, as well as
our usual contributors (and their fathers): Yasmin Leisher, Dave
Titter, Bob Martens, Jerry Taff, Tim McChain, Carol Becwar and
John and Ellen Peterson.  Have a nice Father's Day and...
     Have a Great Week!


     Ever use Microsoft Word's built-in thesaurus?  The newer
versions of the program allow you to compare phrases instead of
just words.  But the program makes some surprisingly odd and
sexist suggestions.  Almost as if the thesaurus was written by a
group of lounge-lizard geeks.  Try typing this incredibly stupid
line (I used Microsoft Word 97 in testing, by the way):

               I'd love to see you naked

When you highlight this line and run it through the thesaurus
([Shift-F7] if you're playing along at home), the phrase
suggested as a synonym is:

               I'll drink to that

Not only that but another stupid pickup line -- "I'd love to wake
up next to you" -- generates the same response, almost as if the
spirit of Dean Martin is haunting Word 97.
     A slightly less sleazy pickup line, "May I have the last
dance?," brings a slightly more positive response: Maybe.
     But really unexpected is Word 97's response to the
commonplace phrase:

               Unable to follow directions

     In it's infinite wisdom, Microsoft has decided what you
really meant to say was:

               Unable to have an erection


     Crown Price Abdullah of Saudi Arabia gave a gift of $53,000
to the father of septuplets born in the kingdom early this year. 
The news report from the Saudi Press Agency (SPA) noted that the
four boys and three girls were still hospitalized, but doing
well.  And the agency said that the father had thanked the crown
prince for his gift, too.
     Oddly, the report never mentioned the mother, except to say
that she was one of the man's three wives.  (Reuters)


     In Iran, a young man is expected to get a father's
permission in order to marry his daughter.  That isn't always
easy, as one recent case in Tehran shows.
     The probelm in this case was that the prospective father-in-
law was in jail, serving a sentence for drug trafficking.  In
order to meet his bride's father, the young man had to get
himself arrested, which he did by faking a purse-snatching.
     While they served time, the young man got to know his future

     "After gaining his confidence, I raised the issue [ of
marriage].  He first opposed the idea, but when I told him the
story, he laughed and said 'what love can do to some people'," he
     The young man was released when the faked purse-snatching
was made known to the authorities and the father of the bride got
a two-day pass to attend the wedding.  (AFP)


     While we're on the subject of jails, the strangest reunion
award has to go to an inmate in the Kerr County, Texas jail named
Bill Wells.  Wells hadn't seen his son in 22 years, having left 2
months after the boy was born.  And, since he was facing burglary
charges, he probably wouldn't be visiting the family any time
soon.  So it was quite a surprise when Wells son, Corey Hillger,
was brought into the same county jail, also on burglary charges. 
Though the reunion was a happy one, police expressed some fear
that the two might go into business together when they get out. 
          [ Who said it's not genetic?  You notice that
          they both got caught, too. ]


     A woman and her husband go to the hospital to have her baby.
She's concerned about the pain, so the doctor says that he's
invented a machine that transfers part of the pain of childbirth
to the father.  The lady thinks it's a great idea, and her
husband says OK, he can take a little pain.  The doctor hooks the
husband up to the machine, and puts the pain-transfer at 10%,
saying that's probably more pain than the guy has ever felt in
his life.  Labor progresses, and the husband feels fine.  Since
he wants to help his wife, he asks the doctor to transfer more
pain to him.  The doctor turns the pain dial to 20%.  She feels
the pain get less, and the husband still feels nothing.  The
doctor is amazed.
     The husband then suggests that, since he's not in any pain,
why doesn't the doctor transfer all the pain to him.  So the
doctor turns the dial to 100%, and the wife has a completely
painless childbirth.  "Ha! Pain of childbirth?"  the new father
says with masculine pride.  "I knew men could take it better than
     So he and his wife left for home with the new baby.
     And that's when they found the mailman dead on the front


          Genetics explains why you look like your
          father -- and if you don't, why you should.


     An Amish family was visiting the city for the first time. 
At a shopping mall the young son and his bearded father were
amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver doors looking like miniature barn doors that could slide
open and back together.
     The boy asked his father, "Father, what be this?"  The
father, having never having seen an elevator before, said, "Son,
I have seen nothing like this in my life.  I know not what it
     While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, an
old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the shiny doorway and
pressed a button.  The door slid open and the old woman rolled
into the small room.  Then the boy and his father watched as the
small lights above the door flashed on and off.  In a few
moments, the shiny doors opened again and a beautiful young woman
stepped out.
     The father considered this a moment before speaking, tugging
on his beard.  Finally, he said, "Son, go fetch your mother."


     Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
     The floor nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
"Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
     "Well isn't that a coincidence," the man said.  "I work for
the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
     After a time, the nurse returned and turned to the second
man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
     "Wow, now that is a coincidence," he announced.  "As it
happens, I work for the 3M Corporation.  My friends at work will
never let me live this one down."
     About an hour later, the nurse came back, this time
announcing to a third man that his wife had just given birth to
     "I don't believe it!" he said.  "This is incredible!  I work
for the Four Seasons Hotel."
     Attention turned to the remaining father who sat mumbling to
himself in the corner.  They heard him whispering the same phrase
over and over again:
     "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
      I should have never taken that job at 7-Up.
      I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."

                                      - Submitted by VonStein

© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.