JUST KIDDING!

A Kid's Eye View...

Hi again, All!
     There's an old show business saying about never working with
kids or animals.   The reason for this is the fact that you never
know what they will do next.  Kids come up with the craziest
ideas.  They are very creative and will tell you what they know -
and what they think.  The world of kids is so different these
days...  It seems less constant than when I was a kid.  Just in
the last few days we got news that Barbie is getting a makeover
and G.I. Joe will be getting new bosses at Hasbro.  We never had
to worry about kind of stuff when I was a kid.
     This time just before Christmas is when kids come into their
own.  Christmas - at least the more commercial part of it - is
really aimed at kids.  The bad part is that much of the attention
to kids at this time of year is from adults trying to sell
something.  Just for a little while this holiday season, let's
revel in the joy and innocence of kids.  They can be pretty
funny, too!
     Thanks this week to contributors (take a deep breath!):
Howard Lesniak, Jerry Taff, Bob Martens, Peter Adler, Ellen
Peterson, Kerry Miller, JOD Miller, Beth Butler, Dale
Frederickson, Sarah & Jeff Morsman, Vic Parrhysius, Kevin Willis
- and their kids (if any).
     Have a great week!


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NO NEED TO YELL!
---------------
     "My nephew was explaining to me that a friend of his
father's was deaf and used his hands to speak in sign language. 
I asked the boy how his father's friend shouted in sign
language."
     "He replied, 'He doesn't have to, he doesn't have any
kids.'"
                                        - From the Web


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ROCK ON!
-------
     "While driving across town one day, an old Doobie Brothers
tune, "China Grove," came on the radio.  I turned up the volume
up and enjoyed the song while my kids in the back seat looked on
with smiles and wonder. When the song finished, my 8 year old
Tommy asked me who that was.  I said, 'Tommy, that was music your
Mom and I grew up on - they're called the Doobie Brothers.'  He
responded with the typical, 'Oh, cool.'  Then, after a brief
pause, he asked, 'So are they dead yet?'"
                                        - From the Web


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KIDS TELL WHAT THEY HAVE LEARNED FROM US
----------------------------------------

     Here are a few test answers from grade school kids, telling
what they think they heard from their teachers:

     ( Note: Some of these may be tough for those of you who
     don't speak English as a first language, so I put the
     word the kids really wanted in {} brackets. )


   - The future of "I give" is "I take."

   - The parts of speech are lungs and air.

   - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

   - A census taker is a man who goes from house to house
     increasing the population.

   - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never
     set foot.

   - The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

   - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

   - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
     opossums.                                    {apostles}

   - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we
     get our silk from rayon.  He is a larger worm and gives more
     silk.

   - One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

   - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all
     duly constipated authorities.

   - One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

   - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

   - The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
                                                  {equator}

   - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular
     at the top and plural at the bottom.

   - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from
     sinners.

   - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. {spawn}

   - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

   - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to
     Utah.                                        {Mormons}

   - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often
     in the winter.

   - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones.  The head sits
     on the top and you sit on the bottom.


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THE THREE WAYS TO GET SOMETHING DONE...
------------------------------------

     There are three ways to get something done:
          (1) Do it yourself.
          (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
          (3) Forbid your kids to do it.


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THINGS WE'VE LEARNED THE HARD WAY
---------------------------------

   - There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

   - If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
     with roller blades, they can ignite.

   - A 4-years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
     restaurant.

   - If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
     strong enough to rotate a five-year-old boy wearing Pound
     Puppy underwear and a Superman cape.  It is strong enough,
     however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large family
     room.

   - When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the
     ball up a few times before you get a hit.

   - A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

   - The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
     baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

   - When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's
     already too late.

   - A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even
     though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the
     movies.

   - If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball
     shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.

   - A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill an average
     size house ankle deep.

   - Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a four
     year old.

   - Duplo Blocks will not.

   - 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the
     same sentence.

   - 'Super Glue' is forever.

   - TV Shows can teach us many things we don't want to know.

   - Movies, too.

   - No matter how much 'Jello' you put in a swimming pool, you
     still can't walk on water.

   - Pool filters do not like 'Jello.'

   - VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, even
     though TV commercials show they do.

   - Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

   - Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

   - Plastic toys do not like ovens.

   - The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

   - The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
     worms dizzy.

   - It will, however, make cats dizzy.

   - Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

   - Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'.


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WHEN KIDS REALLY CAN TEACH US...
-----------------------------

- A Story From The Net -

     "Last week I took my children to a restaurant.  My
six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.  As we bowed our
heads he prayed, 'God is good.  God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream
for dessert.  And Liberty and justice for all!  Amen!'"
     "Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I
heard a woman remark, 'That's what's wrong with this country. 
Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking God for
ice-cream!  Why, I never!'"
     "Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, 'Did I
do it wrong?  Is God mad at me?'  As I held him and assured him
that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at
him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my
son and said, 'I happen to know that God thought that was a great
prayer.'"
     "'Really?' my son asked."
     "'Cross my heart.'"  Then in theatrical whisper he added
(indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),
'Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is
good for the soul, sometimes.'"
     "Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the
meal.  My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I
will remember the rest of my life.  He picked up his sundae and
without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, 'Here... this is for you.  Ice
cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good
already.'"
                                             (Mikki Calhoun)


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