The BIG FIX!

More True Tech Tales...

Greetings, Fellow Computer Users!
     When I first started doing Funnies, the stories were mostly
computer and technical related.  Probably because most of what
came in those early days was from those of you who know and use
computers.  Since then, we have covered a pretty wide range of
topics.  Not that we've really lost the technical side, but there
have been so many interesting things going on elsewhere.  I was
looking over the list for the last few months, and it seems about
time to take another look at the technology side of things.
     Many of us make a living fixing things and making them work.
It sometimes seems that for every single thing you thought could
go wrong with a system, there are dozens of problems that you
never imagined.  I was just working on a machine that has a
plastic part attached to a metal part.  Over the years, the metal
part broke, but the plastic is still just fine.  That was a
surprise to me.  It must be a surprise to the part's designers,
too; the metal part "isn't available," because it "can never
break."  I have offered to show them the broken 'unbreakable'
part, but they're still not convinced.
     SUNFUN Thanks this week for the technical assistance from:
Jerry Taff, Peter Adler, John Wallner, Dale Frederickson, Beth
Butler, Kerry Miller, and Vic Parrhysius.  Now, out with the
tools, and let's get at it.
     Have a great week!


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OH, SHOOT!  CRASHED AGAIN!
-------------------------
     A man in Issaquh, Washington got so frustrated with his
personal computer recently that he pulled out a gun and shot it
four times through the monitor and hard drive.  Neighbors called
police because one of the shots went through the wall into the
next apartment.  "We don't know if (the computer) wouldn't boot
up or what," Sgt. Keith Moon said.  Police held the 43-year-old
man for psychiatric evaluation. (AP)
          [ Don't know if there's any truth to the
          rumor that he was one of the beta-testers for
          "Windows '98"... ]


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IS THAT SOFTWARE OR SOFT WEAR?
-----------------------------
     The British Supermarket chain ASDA recently introduced a
line of women's bras and underwear called "microsoft."  When
asked if they were afraid that the software giant from Washington
state might sue them, a spokesperson for ASDA replied, "we didn't
think there would be any confusion."  Microsoft Corporation
lawyers did contact the supermarket chain, but agreed let the
chain keep the name as long as they don't capitalize the 'm' in
microsoft.
          [ Is it just me, or is there something mildly
          insulting about a bra labelled 'micro'. ]


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FIRST THINGS FIRST DEPARTMENT
-----------------------------
     Judith Kraines, the county controller in Reading,
Pennsylvania, complained at a county commissioner's meeting last
year about having to type letters on an old manual typewriter. 
This was because her computer was broken and no one had been able
to get it to work for two years.  "If we had a computer," she
said, "letters would go out faster."
     A few days later, someone discovered that the computer had
not been plugged in.  When it was and the computer was turned on,
it worked fine.


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NOT MY TYPE...
-----------
     Looks like the end of the road for the venerable typewriter,
even though they're cheap, cordless and never crash.  At a recent
World Bank/IMF meeting in Hong Kong, organizers spent $3,875 to
rent 100 typewriters for the media center.  Of the thousands of
reporters covering the event, only two made any use of the
old-style machines.  Everyone else used laptops. (Reuter)


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OIL'S NOT WELL DEPARTMENT
-------------------------
     Last December, a heating oil company delivered 800 liters
(about 200 gallons) of fuel to Tom Deline's house in Madoc,
Ontario.  This is not unusual except:  1) Deline's home had been
converted to gas some time before; 2) the fuel was actually meant
for a house two doors down the street; and 3) the house no longer
had a storage tank, just the delivery pipe.
     Cleanup work continues and Deline hopes to be back in the
house by this Christmas.


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CUTTING CORNERS...
---------------
     Want to own an imported German car and still save a little
money?  Maybe, alot of money?  You might consider investing in a
Trabant made in the former East Germany.  That's a surprising
recommendation considering that the Trabi was poorly made, even
by the standards of the old East Zone.  It had a cheap plastic
body and a smokey, noisy engine that wasn't nearly as advanced as
those found on most lawnmowers.  They stopped making new Trabi's
about 15 minutes after the Berlin Wall came down.
     But the lowly Trabi can boast one thing over the expensive,
new Mercedes A-Class "Baby Benz:" the Trabant, with it's 1950's
retro looks and raspy engine passed a collision avoidance test
that the high-tech Mercedes failed.
     The test is designed to simulate a quick turn to avoid an
object in the road.  In a sudden turn at 37 miles-per-hour (60
KPH), the A-Class flipped onto its side doors.  The Trabant beat
that by 10 MPH (at 76 KPH) and stayed upright. (Thueringer
Allgemeine Zeitung / Reuters)
          [ Of course the Trabi held the road...  It
          sounds and rides like a tractor. ]


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MAKING THE COMPANY NO LEANER, BUT DEFINITELY MEANER
---------------------------------------------------
     A survey by the British software company SCO recently
uncovered an interesting fact - every employee using a personal
computer in their work spends up to three weeks a year battling
problems with the technology.
     In addition, the report said seven out of ten users have
become frustrated when their PC's failed to work properly. 
Researchers also found that most time was lost through
malfunction or misuse.
     On average, each employee was unproductive for up to 100
minutes a week during the first month a new system is introduced. 
"Consequently the latest software isn't empowering these users --
it is disrupting their working day," Geoff Seabrook of SCO
commented. (Reuter)


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WORTH THE EFFORT?
----------------
     Hackers recently found a way to tap into the pagers used by
President Clinton and the U. S. Secret Service.  This was doubly
embarrassing, because besides protecting the President, the
Secret Service also has the responsibility for computer security
in the U. S.  The transcript released to the Internet included a
minute-by-minute account of where the President was on October
27th, and more than a few personal messages:

          "Call Chelsea."

          "If you don't come back with food ... don't come back
          -- Airborn"

          "Call your mother."

          "Minor hostage situation in Texas, not much known now."

                         and --

          "Sir, Bulls 109, Bullets 104, Jordan 55 points."

                                                (Reuter)

          [ Of course, Republicans immediately demanded
          an investigation to see if the President made
          any fund-raising calls on the pager. ]


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IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK...
-----------------------
     The record-setting Broadway musical "Cats" already has a
number of records, having run since 1982 and having taken in over
$328 million.  But there's another record that isn't as well
known; the company of the play has used over 42,000 condoms since
the show's Broadway run began, which is a world record for a
single event.  Relax, folks -- sound technicians use the condoms
to protect the cast's miniature body microphones from sweat.


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FAILING TO MEASURE UP...
---------------------
     There's a state government engineer in Tennessee named Ken
Robichaux who is on a lonely crusade to wipe out the English
system of measure.  But he goes even further - he wants to wipe
out the metric system, too.  Instead Robichaux has promoted a
system that combines length, weight and volume into a single unit
called -- you were waiting for this -- "robies."   For one
example, 25 robies could stand for any of 8 ounces, 1 cup, 250
ml, 250 grams or 250 cc's.  Robichaux said that he had tried to
interest Vice President Al Gore in the system, and that Gore had
called the idea "intriguing."
          [ "Yeah, yeah...  Very intriguing.  Now get
          lost!" ]


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AND REMEMBER THE TOOLS...
----------------------
     You never know just where tools will come in handy.  A
recent choral concert at Sydney University in Australia came to
grinding halt when a pencil accidentally fell into the Steinway
grand piano, jamming some of the keys.
     As the audience began to giggle in disbelief, the conductor
first banged on the keyboard, then tried to dislodge the pencil
with a branch from a floral arrangement.  In desperation, they
even had members of the men's choir lift one end of the piano, in
the hope that the pencil would roll out.  None of these efforts
were successful.
     Finally, an audience member jumped up on the stage and
produced a Swiss army knife.  Using the knife's screwdriver 
blade, he unscrewed the front cover of the instrument to 
recover the pencil so the concert could continue. (Reuter)
          [ Didn't know MacGuyver was so musical... ]

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