Howdy, All!
Most of us can identify at least a couple of quotes from
Mark Twain. Even during his lifetime, his quips were famous
because he was so darned quotable. If he was alive today, he'd
probably be on TV; his style would be perfect for soundbites. He
always had an opinion and a funny and true way to express it.
Twain was especially famous as a lecturer; he would always give
the audience two or three good lines they could take with them.
Quotes like: "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does
anything about it," or, "Reports of my death are greatly
exaggerated," are still in common use. In his long career as a
writer and lecturer, Twain left thousands of little gems to find.
Today (11/30/97) would be Mark Twain's 162nd Birthday, so it's as
good a time as any to take another look. Like most great
humorists, his jokes are all the better for being true.
This Thanksgiving week, we owe thanks to: Jerry Taff, Vic
Parrhysius, Beth Butler, & Naomi Ogawa. Thanks all for the
contributions. Without you folks, there'd be no way to put this
together every week.
Have a great week!
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MARK TWAIN ON MEN & WOMEN...
-------------------------
"Some civilized women would lose half their charm without
dress, and some would lose all of it."
The Dress of Civilized
Women
"Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children."
Notebook
"One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really
beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with
her."
Innocents Abroad
"Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of
a joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
Following the Equator
"Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do
all things to get himself envied."
Following the Equator
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MARK TWAIN'S PHILOSOPHY...
-----------------------
"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never
shows to anybody."
Following the Equator
"A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good
thing than he needs."
Following the Equator
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't
want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther
not."
Following the Equator
"The less there is to justify a traditional custom the
harder it is to get rid of it."
The Adventures of Tom
Sawyer
"There are many humorous things in the world; among them,
the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other
savages."
Following the Equator
(ASKED ABOUT HIS BELIEFS REGARDING HEAVEN AND HELL) "You
will excuse me if I remain silent on the matter. You see, I
have friends in both places."
Attributed
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Attributed
"Few sinners are saved after the first twenty minutes of a
sermon."
Attributed
"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."
Pudd'nhead Wilson
"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of
ourselves and how little we think of other persons.
Notebook
"Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."
Following the Equator
"There's a good spot tucked away somewhere in everybody.
You'll be a long time finding it, sometimes."
Refuge of the Derelicts
"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may
still exist, but you have ceased to live."
Following the Equator
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MARK TWAIN ON POLITICS
----------------------
"Principles is another name for prejudices."
Speech on Literature
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
Following the Equator
"The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out,
the conservative adopts them."
Notebook
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Attributed
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MARK TWAIN ON MONEY
-------------------
"Make money and the whole world will conspire to call you a
gentleman."
Attributed
"Virtue has never been as respectable as money."
Innocents Abroad
"I wonder how much it would take to buy a soap-bubble, if
there was only one in the world."
A Tramp Abroad
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain."
Attributed
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MARK TWAIN ON WRITING
---------------------
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction,
after all, has to stick to possibilities."
Following the Equator
"I don't know anything that mars good literature so
completely as too much truth."
Savage Club Dinner
"My own luck has been curious all my literary life; I never
could tell a lie that anyone would doubt, nor a truth that
anybody would believe."
Following the Equator
"Against the assault of humor nothing can stand."
The Mysterious Stranger
(RESPONDING TO AN INTRODUCTION AS ONE OF THE WORLD'S
GREATEST AUTHORS) "I was sorry to have my name mentioned as
one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of
dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spenser is dead, so is Milton,
so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself."
Statistics
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MARK TWAIN ON MORALS
--------------------
"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and
astonish the rest."
Attributed
"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."
Pudd'nhead Wilson
"I find that principles have no real force except when one
is well fed."
Adam's Diary
"Always obey your parents, when they are present."
Advice to Youth
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth
is putting on its shoes."
Attributed
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of
a good example."
Pudd'nhead Wilson
"There are several good protections against temptations but
the surest is cowardice."
Following the Equator
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MARK TWAIN ON TRAVELING
-----------------------
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
Attributed
"Ours was a reasonably comfortable ship, with the customary
seagoing fare-plenty of good food furnished by the Deity and
cooked by the Devil."
Following the Equator
"I believe that in India "cold weather" is merely a
conventional phrase . to distinguish between weather which
will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make
it mushy."
Following the Equator
"If there were an earthquake in Berlin the police would take
charge of it and conduct it in that sort of orderly way that
would make you think it was a prayer-meeting."
The German Chicago
"We all like to see people sea-sick when we are not
ourselves."
Innocents Abroad
(REGARDING HAWAII) "At noon I observed a bevy of nude native
young ladies bathing in the sea, and went and sat down on
their clothes to keep them from being stolen."
Roughing It
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MARK TWAIN ON AGING
-------------------
"I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by
sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill
anybody else."
Seventieth Birthday
"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even
the undertaker will be sorry."
Pudd'nhead Wilson
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© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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