Tech Tales, Too!

More from the techs...

Hello again, All!
     We had a really great response to the 'Tech Tales' from last
week, so much that a large amount of new material showed up here
at SunFun Central.  I have never done a two-part episode before,
so why not!  These machines are pretty peculiar, after all.
     More news - my nephew, Dan Butler, has set up an archive of
past Sunday Funnies on his web page.  The URL for Dan's web page
is:

          http://www.theshop.net/pockets
 [ Sorry folks, this doesn't work anymore... bbb / 03-15-98 ]

Dan has also been working for several years as a computer
consultant, and contributed a number of stories to start off this
week's Funnies.
     Thanks this week to: Dan Butler, Peter Adler, Nnamdi Elleh,
Howard Lesniak, Bob Martens and John Adler.  And now, more true
tech tales...
     Have a great week!


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FROM:     "Daniel Butler", INTERNET:pockets@theshop.net

     I wish I had know the subject of this [last] week's SUNFUN. 
I have thought of a few things that could have been added."
     Most of the time when a user calls about a problem they
think the administrator can read minds...  This is a brief
summary of the way quite a few calls go.

  -----

     User: My computer doesn't work.
          Tech: What is it doing.
     User: I don't know my husband told me to call.

  -----

     User: I type and nothing happens...
          Tech: Is the computer turned on?
     User: Of course it is... OH thanks

  -----

     User: My Computer doesn't turn on.
          Tech: Is it plugged in?  (75% of the time this is the
          problem.)
     User: Yes.
     Tech: Is the monitor turned on? (Other 25%)

------------------------------

     You would be surprised at the number of people who lose the
little keys that lock the keyboard.  When asked why they used
them in the first place a few had good reasons (kids, financial 
or payroll records, etc. - 7-10%), the rest just locked it just
because they like to lock things.  The same is true for forgotten
screen saver passwords in Windows.

------------------------------

     "While working as a tech, I would build computers and send
them out. I would get a call at least once or twice a month
because someone had deleted important stuff (DOS, the Root
Directory,  win.ini/system.ini, etc.). This led me to make a
flier to ship with all new computers.  I taped it over the front
of the monitor so they couldn't say they didn't read it. 

          DO NOT DELETE ANY FILE YOU DIDN'T PUT ON
          ALL THE FILES IN THE C:\, C:\DOS,  C:\WINDOWS,
          C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM, ARE NECESSARY FOR 
          YOUR NEW COMPUTER TO WORK.  IF YOU DELETE
          THESE FILES, I WILL FIX IT, BUT IT WILL NOT BE
          COVERED BY WARRANTY AND THERE WILL BE A
          MINIMUM CHARGE OF $50.00.  JUST BECAUSE YOU
          DON'T RECOGNIZE THE FILENAME DOESN'T MEAN
          YOU DON'T NEED IT.

     "I thought this approach was a sure-fire way to limit this
problem...Once again I realize that I don't really know anything.
In fact, the next day I got a call asking if it was OK to remove
the sign.

------------------------------

Most common Items found in keyboards...  (Not including
staples, paper clips and hole punch holes):
   - Earrings
   - Fingernail clippings
   - Dried Coffee (had attracted ants in at least one case)
   - Sand. (I don't know)


Weird things found in keyboards.:
   - Contact lens
   - Missing space bar control arm (The bar that makes the whole
     key go down even if you only press one side.) from a
     completely different keyboard on the other side of the
     building. 
   - Ink cartridge for a disposable pen (Just for fun I tried to
     get it back in and couldn't without taking it back apart.)
     

------------------------------

"Well, I thought everybody knew that electricity and water don't
mix...

     One lady's dog urinated on the back of her tower-style
computer that was on the floor (it had several missing slot
covers). The dog managed to thoroughly wet the inside.
     The owner, later smelling the mess, decided to take it
apart and wash it (Yes, soap and water).  Using the sprayer on
the sink, she got every thing very wet with a lot of standing
water.  Now, if she let it just dry it might have been OK. But
she had work to do and plugged it back in.  [POOF!]  She was luck
she only lost the main board, RAM, hard drive and video card.
     "As my brother in law says, 'it don't work if you let the
smoke out.'"
                          -Dan Butler-

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TIDE CLEAN DEPARTMENT -
---------------------

     Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end
up damaging parts beyond repair.  One Dell Computer customer
called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.  He had
cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.

     [ Maybe he was related to the lady with the dog? ]

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STEP-BY-STEP DEPARTMENT...
-----------------------

     Caller: "It says press a key to continue."

     Tech: "OK."

     Caller: "Uuh...  Do I press a key then ? ?"

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POWER TRIPS AND OTHER TURN ONS...
------------------------------

     Compaq Computer's help center in Houston, Texas, handles
around 8,000 consumer calls a day, but not all are like this one
related by technician John Wolf: 

     "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new
     Contura would not work.  She said she had unpacked the unit,
     plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes
     waiting for something to happen.  When asked what happened
     when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power
     switch?'"

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NOW, DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY...
-------------------------------

     Computers make some people paranoid.  A Dell technician,
Morgan Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged
because "his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." 
Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's "bad command"
and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

     [ This is the kind of user who would fear a military
     takeover of the government if he got the Windows message
     'General Protection Fault' ]

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MANUALS?  WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING MANUALS...
-------------------------------------------

     Many questions to computer help lines are so basic that they
could have been answered by opening the manual that comes with
every machine.  
     One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install
batteries in her laptop.  When told that the directions were on
the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director of
technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book."

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CUP RUNNETH OVER DEPARTMENT...
---------------------------

     From a Novell NetWire SysOp:

  -----

     Caller:   "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

     Tech:     "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

     Caller:   "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
               my warranty period. How do I go about getting that
               fixed?"

     Tech:     "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

     Caller:   "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

     Tech:     "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's
               because I am.  Did you receive this as part of a
               promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this
               cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

     Caller:   "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
               about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

     At this point the Tech had to hold the phone away, because
he just had to laugh. The caller had apparently been using the
load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it
off the drive.

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VISUAL ANALYSIS DEPARTMENT...
--------------------------

     At AST, one customer dutifully followed a technician's
request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk.  A
letter from the customer arrived in a few days, along with a
Xerox copy of the floppy.

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LOOK AT THIS DEPARTMENT...
-----------------------

     The software inside the computer can be just as confusing as
the hardware.  A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting,
the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
the "send" command.

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ELECTRONIC IMMORTALITY DEPARTMENT...
---------------------------------

     Stockholm--The body of an elderly woman lay undiscovered in
her apartment for more than three years while computers received
her pension and automatically paid her bills, Swedish police said
Saturday.
     ``It's very unusual for someone to be dead so long without
anyone else reacting,'' a police duty officer in the Stockholm
suburb of Farsta told the national news agency TT.
     The woman's last opened mail was dated nearly three years
before the discovery, police said, indicating she had died at the
age of 72. Her name has not been made public. Police were called
to break into the apartment by its landlord after he had made
repeated efforts to gain the occupant's permission to renovate
it. (REUTERS)

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