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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #031 - 03/16/1997

Green Stuff!

It's a Fine Day for The Irish...

Top O' The Mornin' to Ya!
     It's been a strange week here at SUNFUN Central - or maybe I
should say, stranger than usual.  As usual, there are funny
things happening all around, you only have to look and listen to
see them.  Earlier in the week, for example, two Catholic
churches in Waukesha, Wisconsin announced that they were going to
merge into one church.  St. Mary's Catholic Church said that it
would combine with Sts. Peter and Paul, in order to save money. 
I wonder if anyone in the church has noticed yet that the most
obvious name would be Sts. Peter, Paul and Mary!  (The name of a
popular folk music trio from the 1960's, in case you hadn't heard
of them).
     This Monday (3/17) is St. Patrick's Day, and so we'll be
doing a salute to the Emerald Isle.  A tip of the hat to the
folks who sent contributions this week, including Dale
Frederickson, Howard Lesniak, Bob Martens and Peter Adler.  Your
fine contributions go to this and future Sunday Funnies.  Now,
off to the Green - 
     Have a great week!



     There sure are interesting places where St. Patrick's Day
will be celebrated this year.  Of course the biggest and most
famous celebrations always take place in cities where the Irish
moved in great numbers, mostly in the US, Canada and Australia. 
But some really unlikely places will have their celebrations,
too.  China, Malaysia, and even Russia will all have
     One of the strangest festivities is the fellow who hopes to
set the record for the world's SMALLEST St. Patrick's Day Parade. 
Tony Keyes has decided to organize the parade on Sun Road,
Kawagoe, Japan at approximately 6.30 p.m. on March 17th. The
entire parade will consist of his good self (the only known
Irishman in Kawagoe apparently), alone, taking two paces (baby
steps) forward from a given location while humming the tune
'Molly Malone' lightly under his breath. 
     Another strange festivity is in Sweden, where a fellow with
the fine Irish name of Sven Arnstrom is organizing a celebration
in Stockholm.  I guess it really is true that everyone's Irish on
St. Patrick's Day!



   - The Irish invented bagpipes and gave them to the Scots as a
     joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

   - I assume you know why bagpipe players like to march when
     they are playing? Because it's harder to hit a moving

   - "An accordion is just a bagpipe with pleats"

   - Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments
     that annoy the most people in the world - bag pipes and
     accordions - and place them in the *same band*.


     A newspaper reporter, interviewing a very old Irishman who
     had his 99th birthday, said: `I certainly hope I can return
     next year and help you to celebrate your 100th birthday.'

     `Can't see why not, young fellow, you look healthy enough to


     - Those of you who follow this regularly will recognize this
as a an Irish variation of a letter that we ran here last fall. 
I guess some of these things hang around long enough to become
every possible ethnic group, eventually.  Someday we'll have the
one for Slovenians, but for now, here's the Irish version:


     A Letter from Mom

          Just a Few lines to let you know all our recent
     bad news. I am alive and well but don't read too fast
     as I can only write slow with my neumatics.  Your Uncle
     Patrick died last week from a rare tropical disease -
     Frost Bite. He stated in his will that he wished to be
     buried at sea. Three of his friends were drowned
     digging the grave. As you knew he joined the Navy as a
     young man and was given a job as a deckhand on a
          Cousin Mick is now out of jail after serving eight
     years of a twelve year sentence for assault and
     battery. He got two years off for good behavior and
     Aunt Martha thinks it's a wonderful consolation to have
     such a good boy. He didn't know the house when he got
     back as they have moved. 
          Your Pa was very worried last week that he had
     lost his old axe which he had for over 50 years. It had
     been fitted with only five new heads and eight new
     handles. Then he took the car in for a service, but
     couldn't get in the church door. A shocking man your
     Pa, for he spends very little time at home. For every
     once he comes in, he goes out ten times.
          I had a bit of an accident when I fell out of the
     window trying to iron the curtains, and me that broke
     the washing machine when I was washing the floors last

     Love from


     P.S. I was going to send you some money but I have
     already sealed the envelope.



     Any group that loves word play and drinking as much as the
Irish is sure to raise making toasts to a classic art.  Here are
a few examples of the Irish toast:

     May those that love us, Love us.
     And those that don't love us - 
     May God turn their hearts. And if
     he doesn't turn their hearts,
     May he turn their ankles
     So we'll know them by their limping.


     May the road rise to meet you
     may the wind be always at your back
     the sun shine warm upon your face
     the rain fall soft upon your fields
     and until we meet again
     May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.


     Heres to you and yours and to mine and ours 
     and if mine and ours ever come across you and yours 
     I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours 
     as mine and ours have done for you and yours.

     [ Try saying that after a pint or two ! ]


     Here's to a long life
                    and a happy one
     Here's to a good wife
                    and a faithful one
     Here's to a swift death
                    and a painless one
     Here's to a good beer
                    and another one!


     Here's a health to your enemies enemies.


     "May you be in heaven a half hour
          before the Devil knows you're dead."


     May you live to be a hundred years with one extra year to


     May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks,
     May your heart be as light as a song,
     May each day bring you bright happy hours,
     That stay with you all the year long.  


     May your neighbours respect you, 
     Trouble neglect you,
     The angels protect you,
     And heaven accept you.


          O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze
     in his back pocket when he slipped on the moss and fell
     heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
     running down his leg.

     "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


          One evening in London's West End a charity show
     was being held. The packed auditorium was patiently
     waiting for 'Bobby - The Ventriloquist'

          Eventually, he came on and proceeded to tell Irish
     jokes.  After a constant barrage of Irish jokes ringing
     through the crowd for about 30 minutes, a big, huge
     Irishman stood up in the front row and shouted: "Hey,
     you... if you tell one more Irish joke and insult me
     and me kind, why I'll jump on the stage and kick the
     crap out of ya."

          After a short, stunned silence the Ventriloquist
     stood up and said; "I'm very sorry I did not mean to
     insult you... "

          The Irishman stood up again and said; "I'm not
     talking to you.. I'm talking to that little Bollox on
     your lap!"



          Bishop Michael Cox of County Offaly, Ireland, has
     come up with a way to minister and to help pay for
     restorations at his church: a "healing and confession
     line". For one pound a minute, callers can choose to
     talk to the Bishop, connect with a "healing line", or
     say their confessions. "There is a genuine need for a
     service like this, especially for people who are
     housebound or living in isolated areas," Fr. Cox said.
     However, a spokesman at the Vatican didn't think so.
     "Anyone who believes that by participating in this form
     of confession is having a valid sacrament is mistaken. 
     Personal encounter is part of the sacrament of
     confession by definition," he said. (Reuter) 

          [ 'Please enter the number of the Commandment you
     have broken, followed by the number of times you have
     broken it... ]



          An Irish fishing trawler has reported it got a   
     particularly good catch. "We were fishing off
     Whitehaven and hauling the nets aboard for the last
     haul of the day," a crewman said, and found "bottles
     and bottles of whiskey and wine" in the net. "We were
     quite pleased," he added. "It was well tested before we
     got home."
          The haul was likely from a cache of 120,000
     bottles of booze washed overboard from another ship 18
     months earlier. Several other fishing boats have
     reported similar hauls, but none of the men will say
     exactly where the stuff is being found. (Reuter) 

     [ Of course not! ]

© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.