Top O' The Mornin' to Ya!
It's been a strange week here at SUNFUN Central - or maybe I
should say, stranger than usual. As usual, there are funny
things happening all around, you only have to look and listen to
see them. Earlier in the week, for example, two Catholic
churches in Waukesha, Wisconsin announced that they were going to
merge into one church. St. Mary's Catholic Church said that it
would combine with Sts. Peter and Paul, in order to save money.
I wonder if anyone in the church has noticed yet that the most
obvious name would be Sts. Peter, Paul and Mary! (The name of a
popular folk music trio from the 1960's, in case you hadn't heard
This Monday (3/17) is St. Patrick's Day, and so we'll be
doing a salute to the Emerald Isle. A tip of the hat to the
folks who sent contributions this week, including Dale
Frederickson, Howard Lesniak, Bob Martens and Peter Adler. Your
fine contributions go to this and future Sunday Funnies. Now,
off to the Green -
Have a great week!
EVERYBODY'S IRISH ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY -
There sure are interesting places where St. Patrick's Day
will be celebrated this year. Of course the biggest and most
famous celebrations always take place in cities where the Irish
moved in great numbers, mostly in the US, Canada and Australia.
But some really unlikely places will have their celebrations,
too. China, Malaysia, and even Russia will all have
One of the strangest festivities is the fellow who hopes to
set the record for the world's SMALLEST St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Tony Keyes has decided to organize the parade on Sun Road,
Kawagoe, Japan at approximately 6.30 p.m. on March 17th. The
entire parade will consist of his good self (the only known
Irishman in Kawagoe apparently), alone, taking two paces (baby
steps) forward from a given location while humming the tune
'Molly Malone' lightly under his breath.
Another strange festivity is in Sweden, where a fellow with
the fine Irish name of Sven Arnstrom is organizing a celebration
in Stockholm. I guess it really is true that everyone's Irish on
St. Patrick's Day!
ON BAGPIPES -
- The Irish invented bagpipes and gave them to the Scots as a
joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
- I assume you know why bagpipe players like to march when
they are playing? Because it's harder to hit a moving
- "An accordion is just a bagpipe with pleats"
- Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments
that annoy the most people in the world - bag pipes and
accordions - and place them in the *same band*.
A newspaper reporter, interviewing a very old Irishman who
had his 99th birthday, said: `I certainly hope I can return
next year and help you to celebrate your 100th birthday.'
`Can't see why not, young fellow, you look healthy enough to
- Those of you who follow this regularly will recognize this
as a an Irish variation of a letter that we ran here last fall.
I guess some of these things hang around long enough to become
every possible ethnic group, eventually. Someday we'll have the
one for Slovenians, but for now, here's the Irish version:
A Letter from Mom
Just a Few lines to let you know all our recent
bad news. I am alive and well but don't read too fast
as I can only write slow with my neumatics. Your Uncle
Patrick died last week from a rare tropical disease -
Frost Bite. He stated in his will that he wished to be
buried at sea. Three of his friends were drowned
digging the grave. As you knew he joined the Navy as a
young man and was given a job as a deckhand on a
Cousin Mick is now out of jail after serving eight
years of a twelve year sentence for assault and
battery. He got two years off for good behavior and
Aunt Martha thinks it's a wonderful consolation to have
such a good boy. He didn't know the house when he got
back as they have moved.
Your Pa was very worried last week that he had
lost his old axe which he had for over 50 years. It had
been fitted with only five new heads and eight new
handles. Then he took the car in for a service, but
couldn't get in the church door. A shocking man your
Pa, for he spends very little time at home. For every
once he comes in, he goes out ten times.
I had a bit of an accident when I fell out of the
window trying to iron the curtains, and me that broke
the washing machine when I was washing the floors last
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I have
already sealed the envelope.
Any group that loves word play and drinking as much as the
Irish is sure to raise making toasts to a classic art. Here are
a few examples of the Irish toast:
May those that love us, Love us.
And those that don't love us -
May God turn their hearts. And if
he doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping.
May the road rise to meet you
may the wind be always at your back
the sun shine warm upon your face
the rain fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.
Heres to you and yours and to mine and ours
and if mine and ours ever come across you and yours
I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours
as mine and ours have done for you and yours.
[ Try saying that after a pint or two ! ]
Here's to a long life
and a happy one
Here's to a good wife
and a faithful one
Here's to a swift death
and a painless one
Here's to a good beer
and another one!
Here's a health to your enemies enemies.
"May you be in heaven a half hour
before the Devil knows you're dead."
May you live to be a hundred years with one extra year to
May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks,
May your heart be as light as a song,
May each day bring you bright happy hours,
That stay with you all the year long.
May your neighbours respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped on the moss and fell
heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
One evening in London's West End a charity show
was being held. The packed auditorium was patiently
waiting for 'Bobby - The Ventriloquist'
Eventually, he came on and proceeded to tell Irish
jokes. After a constant barrage of Irish jokes ringing
through the crowd for about 30 minutes, a big, huge
Irishman stood up in the front row and shouted: "Hey,
you... if you tell one more Irish joke and insult me
and me kind, why I'll jump on the stage and kick the
crap out of ya."
After a short, stunned silence the Ventriloquist
stood up and said; "I'm very sorry I did not mean to
insult you... "
The Irishman stood up again and said; "I'm not
talking to you.. I'm talking to that little Bollox on
TECHNOLOGY COMES TO IRELAND -
Bishop Michael Cox of County Offaly, Ireland, has
come up with a way to minister and to help pay for
restorations at his church: a "healing and confession
line". For one pound a minute, callers can choose to
talk to the Bishop, connect with a "healing line", or
say their confessions. "There is a genuine need for a
service like this, especially for people who are
housebound or living in isolated areas," Fr. Cox said.
However, a spokesman at the Vatican didn't think so.
"Anyone who believes that by participating in this form
of confession is having a valid sacrament is mistaken.
Personal encounter is part of the sacrament of
confession by definition," he said. (Reuter)
[ 'Please enter the number of the Commandment you
have broken, followed by the number of times you have
broken it... ]
A REAL CATCH -
An Irish fishing trawler has reported it got a
particularly good catch. "We were fishing off
Whitehaven and hauling the nets aboard for the last
haul of the day," a crewman said, and found "bottles
and bottles of whiskey and wine" in the net. "We were
quite pleased," he added. "It was well tested before we
The haul was likely from a cache of 120,000
bottles of booze washed overboard from another ship 18
months earlier. Several other fishing boats have
reported similar hauls, but none of the men will say
exactly where the stuff is being found. (Reuter)
[ Of course not! ]
© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.