Generally Speaking...

Military Humor.

     _____ BRIEFING:  23 MARCH 1997 AT 0830 HRS _____

     TEN-HUT!
     At ease....  The topic of this briefing is military humor,
which like military intelligence has been vastly under rated by
civilians.  Being in the military is a commonplace, but somewhat
unusual way of life.  The strange circumstances of being with so
many people you don't know but wearing the same clothes and doing
the same things produces some very special humor.
     Special commendations this week to: Adler, P. J. LTC;
Peterson, E. M.; He L. S.; Lesniak, H. and Roser, P. K. for their
contributions to unit morale.  And welcome to our new recruit
(actually, she was drafted), Dorothee Lais.  I hope that all of
you enjoy your hitch here at Camp Sunday Funnies.  Now, a snappy
salute and it's off to Military Humor...
     Dismissed!

     Have a great week,


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TRUE QUOTES...

     The following are quotes by various US Army generals,
collected by my brother-in-law, Peter  Pete's a Lieutenant
Colonel in the US Army in Heidelberg, and gets to a great many
meetings with general officers.  Those guys do seem to be a
colorful lot, and it's reflected in their speech.  In fact,
sometimes they seem to go a little far off the path just to sound
colorful.  Where possible, I've included a quick translation for
those of you who might not be able to figure out what they
mean...

--------------------

     "It's being put out as gospel, but none of the bishops
     saw it before it got to the pope."

          [ What's been said is untrue. ]

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     "Once again, I feel like we're just boxing in the dark
     with sunglasses on."

          [ We don't know what we're doing. ]

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     "Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the
     bug."

          [ Sometimes things go well, and sometimes they don't. ]

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     "He went to the well and didn't draw as much water as
     expected."

          [ We didn't get the budget to do this. ]

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     "This thing is going to go over like a fat pole
     vaulter."

          [ This is not going to be popular! ]

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     "Lets look at this puppy and see why its not hunting."

          [ From and old Mississippi saying, "This dog is not
          hunting", meaning this thing is not working. ]

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     "I don't want to dance with the gorilla while wearing a
     banana suit."

          [ I am not going to do this unpopular thing. ]

--------------------

     "Its a good thing Baby Jesus has already been born,
     because we don't have the time on the training calendar
     to fit him in."

          [ We haven't the time to do this. ]

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     "Take that bone off the table, otherwise the dogs will
     keep barking at it."

          [ We had better not talk about this now. ]

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     "I'll pet that puppy, but somebody else gets to take
     him out for a walk."

          [ I'll do the good part, and leave the trouble it makes
          for someone else. ]

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     "I think if he comes out with that, they will jump on
     him like ugly on an ape."

          [ He will be very unpopular if he does that. ]

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     "Better is the enemy of good enough.  You can always
     make it better, but you waste time and resources to get
     a passing grade."

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     "If bullfrogs had pistols, they could shoot snakes."

--------------------

     "Ed Electron never gets lost or tired.  Bubba wears
     down and makes mistakes."  (Refers to computers vs.
     soldiers)

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     "We will have a finger pointing contest that even an
     octopus would lose."

          [ --- I just realized I can't translate this in less
          than ten lines! ---  Send me a message if you don't
          understand it, and I'll give it a try. ]

--------------------

     "[This] is like nuclear medicine, a little is great, a
     lot will kill you."

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RECOMMENDATION READING DEPARTMENT -

     The British military is the same as military units all over
the world, in that paperwork is the lubricant that makes the
machine run.  Of course, one of the reports is the commanding
officer's evaluation of the officers in that command.  And that
is where the Brits have their own style.  Of course, the most
interesting reports are about officers that aren't doing very
well, but even here, the Brits insult with style:

--------------------

     "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
     curiosity."

--------------------

     "I would not breed from this officer."

--------------------

     "This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but
     more of a definitely won't be."

--------------------

     "When this officer opens her mouth, it seems that this
     is only to change whichever foot was previously in
     there."

--------------------

     "He has carried out each and every one of his duties to
     his entire satisfaction."

--------------------

     "He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."

     [ A car park is a parking lot, for those of you not familiar
     with British English]

--------------------

     "Technically sound, but socially impossible."

--------------------

     "This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope -
     always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not
     really going anywhere at all."

--------------------

     "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

--------------------

     "This medical officer has used my ship to carry his
     genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry
     him from bar to bar."

--------------------

     "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom, and
     has started to dig."

--------------------

     "He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

--------------------

     "This officer should go far - and the sooner he starts,
     the better."

--------------------

     "In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to
     fly below 250 feet."

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UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE -

     It can be very hard for people born outside of the US to
understand the traditional divisions of the US military.  These
days, many countries, such as Japan, have a combined service. 
Another problem is that the US Army, Air Force, Navy and Marines
all have airplanes.  In fact, the US Army has more aircraft than
the US Air Force.  There doesn't seem to be any clear division. 
     But there is a difference in how they approach things that
explains alot about why they are still separate branches.


- Securing A Building...

     ARMY -
          In the Army, if you give the order to secure
          a building, a platoon of soldiers will
          surround the building, conduct a sweep to
          ensure that there are no enemy soldiers
          inside, put up barbed wire around the
          building and establish a checkpoint at the
          entrance.


     NAVY -
          In the Navy, if you give the order to secure
          a building, an able Seaman will go into the
          building, turn off all the water taps, coffee
          pots and lights, and ensure the building is
          locked on his way out.


     MARINES -
          In the Marines, if you give the order to
          secure a building, a squad will attack the
          building, driving out and/or killing whoever
          or whatever was inside.


     AIR FORCE -
          In the Air Force, if you give the order to
          secure a building, a Major will negotiate a
          lease with an option to buy.

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- Order of Battle...

     ARMY -
          In the Army, the officers send the men off to
          fight.


     NAVY -
          In the Navy, the officers lead the men into
          battle.


     AIR FORCE -
          In the Air Force, the men send the officers
          off to fight.

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HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE?!?

     In the US Army Airborne School, which trains parachute
jumpers for the Army, one of the Sergeants was demonstrating all
of the possible failures that could happen to the equipment.  In
particular, he was explaining how many things could happen to
keep the main parachute from opening.  When one of the trainees
asked, "If my parachute fails to open, how long do I have to open
my reserve chute?"
     "Son, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!", 
the sergeant drawled.

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THE U.S. MILITARY AND THE KING -

     A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the
search for a pattern in US military activities since World War II
that might predict what the future missions of the US will be in
the post-Cold War world.
     "We think they are spelling out a message," explained an
unnamed spokesperson. "Just look at the places where the US has
fought: Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada,
Nicaragua and Somalia.  If you rearrange the first letters of
those countries, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find
another 'I' country to complete the message."

     [ Maybe Italy should be worried? ]

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MILITARY SPECIFICATIONS LIVE FOREVER -

     Sometimes we tease the military people for being so obsessed
with precise definitions and standards.  In an earlier SUNDAY
FUNNIES, I gave the incredibly complicated military specification
for 'Fruit Cake'.  But there is an exact specification for
everything the military buys, no matter how small.  What the rest
of us would call a 'small light bulb' is something like:
ILLUMINATING DEVICE, BAYONET Type PR21-C: National Stock Number
6400-00-155-7857.  But it turns out that this kind of devotion to
standards may serve a purpose far beyond imagination.
     Take the case of the US Standard Railroad gauge (distance
between the rails).  In other parts of the world, the distance
from one rail to another is some convenient number, typically 1
or 1.5 meter in many countries.  But the standard here is 4 feet
8 1/2 inches (143.51 cm), a very strange number by any
definition.
     So why did they use that odd size as a standard?  It was
because most of the early railroad equipment used in the US came
from England, and that was the standard size there.  To use the
English equipment, they had little choice but to put the rails at
the same distance.  If your equipment had a different spacing,
you couldn't exchange cars with other railroads.  Unloading and
reloading cars was just too expensive, so the 4' 8 1/2" standard
became absolute, with only a few isolated exceptions.
     American shared a common measuring system with England at
that time, so it wasn't some odd conversion from one system to
another (as with feet to meters today).  So why would the English
choose that weird spacing?  It turns out that the first rail
equipment in England was built by wagon makers, who had always
used that same wheel spacing to fit the ruts in English roads. 
Because the grooves in the stone pavements were so deep, any
other size would not travel down the existing ruts and would soon
break.
     But it doesn't end there - those English roads were build by
the Romans when they conquered England almost 2000 years before,
and the ruts were first made by Roman war chariots.  The width of
the chariots was, in turn, based on the size required for two
horses side-by-side.
     So ultimately, the US railroad gauge is based on the spacing
of the wheels of Roman chariots - or more accurately, on the size
of two horses back ends.
     No wonder the military is so careful about specifications. 
They can never tell how many centuries they might be stuck with
them!

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