Government Writings...

Your Government at Work...

Hi, all!
     Hope you are all getting along well.  We almost were up to
believing that winter had ended, when it got up into the 40's
(about 10C, for you folks on the metric system).  Anyway, that
ended soon enough, and we even had a little snow storm yesterday. 
Oh, well...  I guess we expect winter to hang on for a while
here.  Maybe it will stop snowing by May, anyhow...
     This week, we'll focus on quotes, mostly from government
sources.  There just don't seem to be too many politicians who
can deliver a real speech anymore.  Clinton isn't too bad at it,
and Reagan could do really well when he had a good script, but
otherwise over the last 30 years or so, the art of making
speeches has really taken a dive.  I'll bet even Jimmy Carter
doesn't remember much of what he said while president.  And
George Bush had difficulty delivering even a single line
straight.  And bureaucrats have always been lousy writers. 
Actually, I started thinking about doing a Funnies on government
pronouncements partly because my brother-in-law in the US Army
passed along an official memo about private use of government
Email accounts.  Boiled down, it's basically: 'OK, use them if
you want, but just don't do anything commercial and don't overdo
it.'  Of course, since this was a government memo, it took them 4
pages of jargon to say that.
     Thanks go out this week to Dale Fredericksen and Peter
Adler.  And I have a commercial announcement of my own for those
of you who speak Japanese out there.  Our friend Yukie Saito,
who's here on the Funnies list, has just had her first book
published.  The title is "Shuushoku Katsudou Drills no Saito
Yukie" and it's published by Bunkahoso Brain Co. and it's 1400
Yen.  Best of success to you on the book, Yukie.
     Now, I'd better get on with this before I start making
mistakes myself!
     Hope you all have a great week.


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Newspaper Article -
----------------

          Several of Rev. Dr. Mudge's friends called upon him
     yesterday, and after a conversation the unsuspecting pig was
     seized by the hind leg and slid along a beam until he
     reached the hot water tank...  Thereupon he came forward and
     said that there were times when the feelings overpowered
     one, and for that reason he would not attempt to do more
     than thank those around him for the manner in which such a
     huge animal was cut into fragments was simply astonishing. 
     The doctor concluded his remarks, when the machine seized
     him and in less time than it takes to write it the pig was
     cut into fragments and worked up into delicious sausage. 
     The occasion will be long remembered by the doctor's friends
     as one of the most delightful of their lives.  The best
     pieces can be procured for tenpence a pound, and we are sure
     that those who have sat so long under his ministry will
     rejoice that he has been treated so handsomely.
        - from and English newspaper in the late 1800's, when two
          stories - one on a patent sausage making machine and
          the other on a minister being presented with a gold-
          headed cane - were mistakenly mingled by typographers.

     [ I don't know the reaction of the newspaper's editor, but
     most editors I've met would have been thinking slow
     torture... ]

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     "The President doesn't want any yes-men and yes-women around
him.  When he says no, we all say no."
        - Elizabeth Dole, then assistant for public liaison to
          President Reagan, later Secretary of Labor under
          President Bush.

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     "I'm astounded by people who take eighteen years to write
something.  That's how long it took that guy to write 'Madame
Bovary', and was that ever on the best-seller list?"
        - Sylvester Stallone, actor

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     "If I never get to Mexico again, it wouldn't bother me.  I
don't like the food or the climate."
        - Dan R. Eddy, Jr.  Chairman of the Texas Good Neighbor
          Commission, a state agency charged with promoting
          Texas-Mexican good relations.

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     "I am ignorant of the government's reasons, but I disapprove
of them."
        - James C. Percy, citing an English Member of Parliament
          during a heated parliamentary debate in 1910.

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     "I think the free-enterprise system is absolutely too
important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace."
        - Congressman Richard Kelly (R-Fla)

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     "I will ignore all ideas for new works on engines of war,
the invention of which has reached it's limits and for whose
improvements I see no further hope."
        - Sextus Julius Frontinus, Roman Engineer, about 50 A.D.

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     "I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?"
        - Jim Seibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota

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     "Progression is not proclamation nor palaver.  It is not
pretense nor play on prejudice. It is not of personal pronouns,
nor perennial pronouncement. It is not the perturbation of a
people passion-wrought, nor a promise proposed."
        - President Warren G. Harding

     [ P U! ]

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     "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate,
then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for
the common good, our tasks will be solved."
        - President Warren G. Harding

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     "When a great many people are unable to find work,
unemployment results."
        - Calvin Coolidge, US President in 1931.

     [ By the way, Calvin Coolidge was the President who came
     after Harding.  He was know for not saying much. 
     Considering how Harding carried on, that must have seemed 
     pretty good at the time. ]

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     OPSDEP: Short for Operations Deputy.  By JCS charter,
     the Army Representative is the DCSOPS.  However, the
     ADCSOPS(JA), who is the DEPOPSDEP, may act for the
     OPSDEP on all joint matters.  The use of the term
     OPSDEP also includes DEPOPSDEP.  OPSDEP's or DEPOPSDEPS
     can approve papers for the JCS.
        - Army Joint Actions Handbook

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     "When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they
shall both come to a full stop and neither shall start up until
the other has gone."
        - Kansas State Law 

     [ Since repealed, or they'd have a great collection of
     trains! ]

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     "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. 
It is _in_ the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that
is an island that is right here."
        - Vice President Dan Quayle, during a speech in Honolulu.

          Hi, Naomi!
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     "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist - "
        - Last words of General John Sedgewick as he observed
          enemy troops and was proved wrong even before he got
          the words out.

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     "The time is here, and is rapidly approaching."
        - William Field, British Member of Parliament

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     Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)..... (718) 459-3140
       If No Answer, Call (718) 459-3140
        - 1991 Telephone Directory for Nassau County, New York 

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          The [deleted] is a key element of the Worldwide
     Military Command and Control System (WWMCCS) warning
     network... [Deleted] currently consists of [deleted]
     satellite, two [deleted] satellites, an [deleted] for
     [deleted] from the [deleted] satellite; a [deleted] for
     [deleted] and the [deleted] satellites; and a [deleted]
     which provides [deleted] for the [deleted]...  Using these
     data, [deleted] can be inferred.
        - a portion of a secret arms control impact statement
          submitted to Congress by the Pentagon, 1980.

     [ It's so secret, even the guy who wrote it doesn't know
     what it means. ]

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     "I'm not going to discuss what I'm not going to bring up...
Even if I don't discuss it, I'm not going to discuss it."
        - George Bush, talking about his relationship to the
          press

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     "The best cure for insomnia is to get alot of sleep."
        - US Senator S. I Hayakawa

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     "You call this a script?  Give me a couple of $5000-a-week
     writers and I'll write it myself."
        - Joseph Pasternak, movie producer

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     "This is worst disaster in California since I was elected."
        - California Governor Pat Brown.

     [ More honesty than we're used to from politicians. ]

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     "... hazards are the main causes of accidents."
        - US Occupational Safety and Health Administration
          booklet, "Safety With Beef Cattle," 1976

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     "Things are more like they are now than they have ever
been."
        - President Gerald Ford

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     "And what is more, I agree with everything I have just
     said."
        - Piet Koornhoff, South African Ambassador to the US

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          In the case of the first possessive, the pattern is
     _Basic form of the first possessive_ (or corresponding
     possessive form if modified by a possessive adjective in
     English) plus _dative of the third person "his" form of the
     second possessive_, plus _definite article_ plus _third
     person "his" form of word possessed, to agree in number and
     case according to its form and use in the sentence. 
       -  US State Department, Hungarian: Basic Course

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     "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
        - Charles deGalle, French President

     [ He was expecting Lithuanians maybe? ]

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