Chapter 12 - Reader's Revenge

Stuff you've sent me.

Hello Again!
     I have been getting lots of mail on the Sunday Funnies
lately, and many of you have sent in contributions.  Thank you
one and all.  So many of these are just great!  I will be putting
together a few compilations of the jokes, so that everyone gets
everyone else's jokes.  Not only is it still funny, it's less
work for me than actually having to find stuff. (I may steal
material from everywhere for this column, but at least I'm
honest!)  A special thanks to Bob Martens, Lydia Cheong, Helen
Yee and Peter Adler for their contributions.  Have a great week,
and keep those cards and letters coming!

P.S.  Welcome back Online to Libin He...

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GOOD BEAR

     In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was
suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.  In his fear, all
attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.  Finally, he turned
and ran as fast as he could.
     The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the
edge of a very steep cliff.  His hopes were dim.
     Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear
closing in quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God!  Please give this bear some
*religion*!"
     The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.  Just
a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and
glanced around, somewhat confused.
     Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank
you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
         
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CURING A PARROT OF SWEARING

So there's this fellow with a parrot.  And this parrot swears
like a sailor, mean and terrible.  He can swear for five minutes
straight without repeating himself.  Trouble is, the guy who owns
him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is
driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the
throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this
just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird
in a kitchen cabinet.  This really aggravates the bird and he
claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the 
bird cuts loose with a stream of obscene language that would make
a veteran sailor blush.  At that point, the guy is so mad that he
throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.  The bird
kicks and claws and thrashes.  Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. 
At first the guy just waits, then he starts to think that the
bird may be hurt.  After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so 
worried that he opens up the freezer door.  The bird calmly
climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,  "Awfully 
sorry about the trouble I gave you.  I'll do my best to improve
my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded.  He can't understand the change that has
come over the parrot.  Then the parrot says, "By the  way, what
did the chicken do?"

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A mom, dunno who, sent a letter to his son, dunno where?!  
If you happen to know her son, please forward this mail,
otherwise...just enjoy!  
  

A Mother's Letter to a not-so-bright son  
--------------------------------------  
  
Dearest Son ....  
  
Greetings from us.  I'm writing this letter slow, because I know
you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left
home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20
miles from your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you
the address as the last people who lived here took the numbers
with them for their next house, so they  wouldn't have to change
their address.  This place is really nice.  It even has a washing
machine.  But I'm not sure it works too well: last week I put in
3 shirts, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.  
  
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week.
The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.  The
coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pocket.  
  
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we
don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, she will come
up again.  Your father has another job.  He has 500 men under
him.  He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.  Your sister had a
baby this morning.  I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl
or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.  
  
We had some terrible tragedies in the family.  Your uncle, fell
into a whisky vat.  Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought
them off and drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for three
days.  
  
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One
was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out,
he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The others drowned
because they couldn't get the tall gate down.  
  
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.  
  
Love  
Mom.  
  
P. S. : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was
already sealed.  
      
regards, 
c+

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Life in Prison -vs- A Full-Time Job - AN IN-DEPTH Comparison

   =======================================================

 - In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10'
     cell.

      At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube.

 - In prison they get three meals a day.

      At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay
        for that one.


 - In prison you get time off for good behavior.

      At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.


 - At work many people must wear an ID badge at all times.

      In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID
        conveniently sewn onto the clothes.

 - At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own
     clothes.

      In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the
        clothes.

 - At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and
     open all the doors myself.

      In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.

 - In prison they can watch TV and play games.

      At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.


 - In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new
     career and give me time to do it.

      At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on
        my own time.

 - In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use
     almost whenever you want.

      At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it
        must be on your time.

 - In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious 
     consequences comes from my actions.

      At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next
        layoff list.

 - In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.

      At work you are just ball and chained.

 - In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.

      At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the
        deductibles.

 - In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work 
     on their part.

      At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, 
        and then deduct the taxes from you salary to pay for the
        prisoners.

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                         "A Boy and His Frog"


     A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess".  He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.
     The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week."  The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
     The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the  boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
     Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
     The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer.  I don't have time for
a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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     Turnauckas' Law

     The attention span of a computer is only as long as the
electrical cord.

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