WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

Strange Signs Ahead...

Happy Holidays, All...
     Funny how few of the thousands of signs we pass each day
actually register in our brains.  We half see and ignore almost
all of them, not needing to know the details of things we are
already sure of.  Think about it, if name of your street had been
misspelled on the corner street sign when you passed it today,
would you have noticed?  
     In one way, it's a very good thing we don't see all of the
signs we pass every day, or we'd be in a constant sort of "Rain
Man"-style sensory overload.  I suppose we'd have to call that a
signus condition.
     Ironically, the two times we pay the most attention to a
sign are absolute logical opposites; namely when we read
something that interests us or if a sign baffles our ability to
understand.  Take the case of the sign I saw recently at the side
of the road that read (near as I can reproduce it):

            COMm  CIA  LOi
                12  x  363
                ATH  LYDAY
                 273- 403

I don't know what they are selling, but I'll bet they don't have
much walk-in traffic.  Except perhaps from government code
specialists who are used to working past the missing pieces.  For
most folks a sign like that might as well be selling samovars in
Sanskrit.
     Much easier to understand are the support and contributions
from our friends, including:  Candice St. Jacques, Jack & Sherrie
Gervais, Brian Siegl, Jan Michalski, Larry Sakar, Nnamdi Elleh,
Caterina Sukup, Tomoko Naito, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Ken Josephson,
Howard Lesniak, Fumiko Umino, Timothy McChain, Peter J. Adler,
Bruce Gonzo and Joshua Brink.  So MERGE with the crowd and YIELD
to the WARNINGS AHEAD.  DO NOT TURN sour when life hands you a
SLOW ZONE, WRONG WAY or DEAD END.  And always try to KEEP RIGHT -
after all, you never know when the FREEWAY ENDS.
     Have A Great Week, {Signed}


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THE MEDIUM IS THE MESSAGE...
-------------------------
     If the medium is really the message, then a company trying
to show support for U.S. Senate candidate Mark Neumann made a
particularly bad choice.
     The John Meyer Construction Company outfitted a red and blue
truck with a fancy white sign reading: "Neumann for Senate."
     Unfortunately, it was one of their dump trucks, so the
overall message looked more like Dump Neumann.
     Neumann lost.  (Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel)


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ON THE ROAD AGAIN...
-----------------
     Odd signs seen along the roads across America:

   - A sign in front of car wash in New Hampshire reads: 
            IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS
          IT'S TIME TO WASH YOUR CAR


   - A slow sign in on suburban community reads:
             SLOW
         KIDS ON ROAD 
             WITH 
         NO SHOULDERS
     [ Pretty mutant looking kids.  Have to wonder how they
     carry their schoolbags... ]


   - One of Caspar, California's back roads has a sign
     threatening:
          $1000 FINE FOR LITTERING
     But only a few hundred yards further down the road, another
     sign says:
          $500 FINE FOR DUMPING
     [ Also known as the polluter's volume discount. ]


   - One town has the plain old:
          SCHOOL
          SPEED 
          LIMIT
           25
     This was followed by a smaller sign that suggests you should
     have your watch set to military accuracy and a lawyer in the
     back seat:
      7:17 - 8:02 AM
      2:22 - 3:07 PM


   - The modern world's effects show up everywhere.  Written in
     the dust on the back of a truck: 
          "www.washme.com"


   - Wonder if the state of Maine has somehow misplaced the small
     town of Hampden.  On Interstate 95 near Bangor, Maine there
     are two signs for the town.  One says "Hampden -- 5 miles." 
     The other, right next to it, reads "Now Entering Hampden".


  ----------
     There just has to be a government department out there with
a title something like The Department of Incredibly Obvious Signs
(probably under the Department of Redundancy Department).  How
else to explain these signs of warnings not required?:


          THIS IS _NOT_ US 89
     [ OK, any hint on what road it MIGHT be? ]


             CAUTION
          WATER ON ROAD
             DURING 
              RAIN
     [ Quick!  Alert the media. You've discovered wet! ]


             ROAD
            UNSAFE
          WHEN UNDER
            WATER
     [ U-Boats keep right. ]


            CAUTION
              NO
            WARNING
             SIGNS
     [ Doesn't this one count? ]


   - East of Albuquerque there is a truck stop sign which says:
          DIESEL  SHOWERS
           GAS    SNACKS
     [ Personally, I prefer water showers... ]


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SIGNS THAT MEAN BUSINESS...
------------------------

   - Sample sign seen at the Rustic Wooden Signs shop in
     Gatlinburg, Tennessee:
          Bill and Monica Clinton.


   - On the highway between Lafayette and Kokomo, Indiana there
     is a business sign that simply reads:
          BOB'S DOG OBEDIENCE SCHOOL 
            AND TAXIDERMY SHOP.
     [ These dogs have real incentive to learn! ]


   - A plumbing company's sign promises:
          We repair what your husband fixed.


   - A local clothing store has handwritten sign:
          Shoplifters will be persecuted


   - Sign on the Brio Toy Store in Pewaukee, Wisconsin last year:
          SIDEWALK SALE INSIDE TODAY


   - In San Antonio there is a glass company called the "Stoned
     Glass Co."  Funny enough by itself, but their parking lot
     features a prominent sign:
          PARKING FOR STONED CUSTOMERS ONLY


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FAST FOOD...
---------
     A couple of years ago, the fast food chain "Kentucky Fried
Chicken" had a series of advertisements for their chicken buffet. 
In that commercial, various store personnel sing the praises of
the buffet.  Apparently, the advertising agency that produced the
spots thought that we'd take the amateurish, off-key wailing of
the clerks as being "cute."  Or, maybe they did it as a joke.  In
any case it was pretty awful and they got lots of complaints. 
Recognizing that, one clever KFC manager put up a sign using the
awful commercial to his advantage:
                 TRY OUR NEW BUFFET 
          OR WE'LL RUN THE COMMERCIAL AGAIN


   - Seen on a UnoCal Gas Station and restaurant out west:
           Kids With Gas
             Eat Free


   - A sign outside a restaurant in Beijing stated that their
     menu features:
          "New York Style Chinese food" 


   - Every McDonald's in the U.S. seems to have the contradictory
     sign:
          Parking for Drive-Thru Customers Only


   - Sometimes, a sign can be more accurate when it's wrong. 
     Here's one from a local McDonald's looking for late shift
     workers ("closers" in McD's slang):
          NOW HIRING  LOSERS


   - Then there's the McDonald's in Pukekohe, New Zealand which
     decided to use the town's nickname on the side of their
     truck.  That might have been unwise, since the side of the
     truck shows the McDonald's "Golden Arches" logo with the
     legend "PUKE."


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SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE SIGNS...
------------------------------

   - Under a "No Dogs" logo, one California city aims the sign
     right at the offenders themselves:
          BOW WOW RUFF WOOF
          WOOF RUFF RUFF 12-51
          (NO DOGS ALLOWED IN 
          PARKS OR PLAYGROUNDS)
          CITY ORDINANCE 12-51
     [ If you think I made that one up, I'll show you the
     picture! ]


   - Surprisingly, other ad campaigns seem aimed at dogs as well,
     like this sign on a pet food store:
          BARK IF YOU'RE
           A HAPPY DOG


          SPAY OR NEUTER
              YOUR
           BEST FRIEND
     [ Finally a sign aimed at humans.  At least, I HOPE
     it's aimed at humans... ]


   - Sign seen on a travel agency: 
          Just go away.


   - At an Amelia Island, Florida, podiatrist's office: 
          Emergency Foot Surgery
           Walk-ins  Welcomed


   - Sale sign in a supermarket:
          WHITE OR WHEAT
           DOLLAR BUNS
              $1.28
     [ Must be inflation or something... ]


   - A sign on the TV set in an expensive hotel, announcing that
     their cable system shows: 
             Movies 
             all day 
          11AM to 11AM 


   - Multiplex theaters often have a hard time displaying all of
     the movies they are showing at once.  Sometimes the names of
     the movies blend together with very odd results.  Here's one
     from Palatine, Illinois where a sign advertising three
     movies came out very oddly:
               ERIN BROCKOVICH
                    SCREWED
               MY DOG SKIP


          You're too good for him.
                            - Sign over mirror in Women's rest
                              room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,
                              California

          No wonder you always go home alone.
                            - Sign over mirror in Men's rest
                              room, same restaurant


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SIGNING OFF...
-----------
     One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large bronze tablet that hung in the
entryway of the church.
     The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some
time.  Eventually, the pastor walked up and stood beside him and
gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
     "Good morning, reverend" the boy said, still looking at the
plaque.
     "Pastor, what is this?" Johnny asked.
     "Well, son, this plaque is to remember all the people who
have died in the service," replied the pastor.
     They stood together gazing thoughtfully at the large plaque
for quite a while.
     Finally, little Johnny's curiosity got the better of him and
he asked quietly, "Which one, reverend, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"


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