Hello again, Funnies Fans...
It seems like nearly every guy has owned at least one
memorable vehicle. Mine was a 1962 Ford Falcon that my uncle
found for me. It was about 10 years old when I got it, and it
cost me about a dollar per year. It had been a very tough
decade. The Falcon was ugly, seriously ugly. It looked like one
of the losers in a demolition derby. It was so bad that even the
junkyard where I scrounged parts asked me to keep it out of
sight.
The front end of the little Ford had been destroyed in some
sort of wreck, and some warped mechanic had welded together parts
from several different years - and different manufacturers - to
reassemble something that looked like a car. This resulted in a
vehicle that was the automotive equivalent of Frankenstein's
monster. All of the parts that hadn't fallen off were rusty. I
was afraid to wash it, since the dirt and rust were all that held
some of the body panels on. The Falcon was painted bronze and
black in dull K-Mart spray paint, and had a grille loosely held
on with coat hanger wire and a too-wide front bumper from some
other kind of car. In a rainstorm, streams of water poured in
around the leaky windows and pooled in the rotted carpet.
Fortunately, the water didn't get more than a few inches deep
before it flowed out through the rust holes in the floor. This
constant water flow led to an interesting musty interior smell
somewhere between a high school gym locker and the Okefenokee
Swamp. The handling - if you could call it that - was about the
same as an aircraft carrier. Given enough time and enough turns
of the wheel, you could eventually effect a change of course.
Braking was even less effective, with deceleration rates far less
than dragging your foot on the ground. Fortunately, people
tended to stay out of the way of the Falcon; they instinctively
realized that I had nothing to lose.
Though the Falcon little more than a rolling junkyard, it
always started and the lights and most of the instruments worked.
The instruments that hadn't fallen out of the dash and hadn't
been eaten by the family of raccoons that lived in the trunk
worked, anyway. The oil light flashed on and off from time to
time, which I took to mean that there was enough oil, because,
otherwise, the engine would have welded itself into a lump back
in '66. One instrument that didn't work quite right was the
speedometer. It often gave readings that had as much to do with
the velocity of the car as it did with the price of cheddar
cheese in Bolivia. But in a car that gained speed at about the
same rate as an elderly nun on a bicycle, this wasn't a serious
problem. Besides, I had a foolproof way to tell the actual
speed: at 45 mph, the right fender flapped slightly. At 55, the
hood started to rattle. At 60 mph, the wind would begin to
whistle over the hole where the radio antenna should have been.
And at 65, the St. Christopher statue on the dash board tipped
over to reveal the message underneath: "I quit!"
But it was mine, and I had some great times in that machine.
That seems to be the real constant in all of these guys and cars
stories: the car represents freedom and independence in a way
that nothing else could. And, as much of a pain as our first
cars often have been, time and memory will dull the bad things,
and leave only the pleasant memories and once-in-a-lifetime
adventures. I had my first date with my wife in that old Ford
Falcon, too. I think she may have nearly forgiven me by now.
Thanks this week to our fellow drivers: Fumiko S. David,
Nnamdi Elleh, Jerry Taff, Caterina & Jim Sukup, Carol J. Becwar,
Diana Lee, Junji Taniguchi, Chuck Maray, Joshua Brink, Dale
Frederickson, Beth & Jim Butler, Sarah Morsman, Jan Michalski,
Kerry Miller, Bruce Gonzo and Tim McChain. Drive carefully out
there folks, and be sure to slow down when the St. Christopher's
statue tips over.
Have A Great Drive,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE CAR THAT PAYS YOU...
---------------------
Bus companies do it. So do race cars. And now, you can do
it, too.
An advertising company in California says it will pay
drivers up to $400 a month to cover their cars with advertising.
The company, Autowraps, already has over 200 rolling ads on the
road in California, Oregon, Washington and Florida. Among other
requirements, drivers who sign the 5 year contracts must be over
18, have good driving records and drive a minimum of 1,000 miles
a month. And drivers don't get to pick the ads that will cover
the cars, though they can decline cigarette, liquor or sex-
related products. (AP)
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KING OF THE ROAD?
----------------
It has always amazed me how many drivers, when pulled over
by the police, try to impress the cops with their power and
connections in an attempt to get out of a ticket. It doesn't
work. Trust me, if the subjects of these stories can't get out
of a ticket with their connections, no one else stands a chance.
Take the guy who was stopped recently in Denmark for going
87 miles-per-hour in a 70 zone (140 km/h in a 110 zone for you
metric fans). The officers who stopped him on the motorway near
Copenhagen weren't impressed at all by his expensive new Ferrari
or fancy clothes. And the excuse that he was late to pick up his
children at the airport didn't impress them either. Not even the
fact that the driver was the King of Sweden, and he was going to
be late for the Danish Queen's 60th birthday party. They still
gave him a speeding ticket.
If being the real King of the Road won't stop someone from
getting a ticket, then claiming you are late for an appointment
is never going to work.
And the cops don't care who you know or who you work for,
either, as a group of drivers racing down the road in Italy found
out last May. Italian highway police stopped all seven cars in
the convoy and ticketed the drivers for driving 30 miles-per-hour
(50 km/h) over the speed limit. The fact that all seven drivers
were Catholic bishops and that they were speeding because they
were running late for an annual church meeting was no excuse.
"I'm sorry, your excellency," a policemen told one of the
bishops, "but with all due respect, not even the Madonna can
spare you from these fines." (Reuters)
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STOP AND GO - BUT MOSTLY STOP...
-----------------------------
Traffic congestion has gotten worse over the past few years,
but there still is no magic solution to speed your way through
the city.
Not that people stop trying.
A group of Miami motorists desperate to cut their commute
time proved perfect patsys for some con artists who were better
at driving a bargain than a car.
After seeing ads on the Internet, the commuter consumers
sent in between $69 to $150 for a magic electronic box called a
"Go-box" that was supposed to act as remote control to turn red
traffic lights green ahead.
The few road warriors that received anything at all from the
scammers got electronic schematics and instructions on how to
build the boxes. The instructions turned out to be plans for a
disco-style strobe light. And those were the lucky ones - most
got nothing at all.
Except for the police, who got suspects Johnnie Greene and
Lisa Moon by monitoring the post office box where the money was
sent. The pair were indicted on charges of mail and wire fraud,
and, if convicted, are likely to be staying in a box for a few
years without going anywhere. (Reuters)
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THE ONLY WAY TO TRAVEL...
----------------------
Recently, I saw that my friend's Cadillac had a fancy
feature I'd never seen before - a trunk that gently closes itself
without slamming. Why, it's almost decadent.
But even that fancy machine pales next to the special
limited edition of the Rolls-Royce Silver Spur III sedan. That
luxury limo includes such extras as dual video screens in the
front seat headrests, one of the world's fanciest stereos, a VCR,
and a mobile office package including laptop, fax machine and
printer. It also has a three-line cellular phone system with
separate lines for the passenger, chauffeur and fax
machine/laptop.
The $250,000 mobile phone booth also has a champagne-
chilling refrigerator so you can properly celebrate closing that
business deal.
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VARIATIONS ON A THEME...
---------------------
Don't you hate taking a car in for service? It always takes
longer than they said, and costs more. Maybe even worse is that
you are trapped in the world's most boring waiting rooms for
hours with two overpriced vending machines, three ancient
magazines and a TV with a shaky picture that only gets one
channel on its coat-hanger antenna.
Well, Donald Metzner wants to meet you! His family's auto
dealership in Albany, New York decided it was time to do things a
little differently. Metzner's Armory Automotive Family Center
sounds like a pretty nice place to stop in, even if your car
doesn't need work.
Expecting that Internet auto sales will shrink their profits
in the future, they decided to go all out to bring in service
customers. So the service department has a two-story, glass-
enclosed atrium that features auto-themed shops and a cafe with
seats made of tire rims. You can get a manicure, listen to a
jazz band, or shop for genuine NASCAR racing accessories and
clothes. The service center also includes a cocktail lounge,
pool room and an Indonesian restaurant.
Oh, and they sell cars, too.
One customer, Emily Miller, waited there while her car was
serviced recently as her kids enjoyed kiddie rides and grilled
cheese sandwiches.
"I was here two-and-a-half hours and it was really
enjoyable," she said. (AP)
[ It was so nice, she didn't even mind that
it took them that long just to replace that
light bulb. ]
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OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS - MEN VS. WOMEN
-----------------------------------------
Women:
-----
1. Drive to oil change shop when the mileage reaches
recommended distance since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
$27.50 Oil Change
$ 0.50 Coffee
----------------
Total: $28.00
Men:
---
1. Go to auto parts store and buy: oil, filter, kitty
litter, hand cleaner and a scented air freshener.
Write a check for $54.30.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead
of taking it to recycle, dig a hole and dump it in the
back yard.
3. Open and drink a beer.
4. Jack up car. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Finally find jack stands under kid's wagon.
6. In frustration, open and drink another beer.
7. Place drain pan under engine oil pan.
8. Search for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9. Eventually give up and use pliers to unscrew drain plug.
10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in
process.
11. Clean up.
12. Notice that most of the oil is now missing the drain pan
and forming a little black stream out the front of the
garage. Move drain pan and clean up again.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with long screwdriver and twist
it off.
16. Beer.
17. Friend shows up to help. Helps finish case of beer.
18. Drag pan full of dirty oil out from underneath car,
spilling more oil.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during previous steps.
20. Beer. No, drank it all. Walk to liquor store to buy
more.
21. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of clean oil to gasket first.
22. Get funnel, set it down on some convenient spot under
the hood while opening the engine oil fill.
23. Put out the small fire started by putting the funnel
down across the battery terminals.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 10. Hurry to the find
drain plug somewhere in the five quarts of hot, dirty
oil in the pan.
26. Try to replace drain plug before the entire quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head
on steering member in reaction.
28. Begin screaming fit, throw wrench.
29. Scream for additional 10 minutes because wrench made a
hole when it embedded itself in the garage wall.
30. Beer.
31. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. Band-Aid won't
stick because of all of the dirty oil, use a piece of
duct tape instead.
32. Beer.
33. Put in drain plug, then dump in five quarts of oil.
34. Beer.
35. Lower car with jack.
36. Remember to remove jackstands only after one shoots out
from under the car, making an even larger hole in the
wall than the wrench did.
37. Curse more and drink more beer.
38. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during step 26.
39. Test drive car.
40. Get pulled over by the police and arrested for driving
under the influence of all that beer. Police tow car
to impound yard and you to jail.
41. Pay bail. Pay impound and towing fees and get car from
police towing yard.
42. Return to find that oil dumped in backyard is oozing up
out of the ground, so grass will need to be dug up and
soil replaced.
Money Spent:
$54.30 oil and parts
$75.00 replacement jack stands
$200.00 Impound and towing fees
$175.00 Landscaping and grass
$40.00 Toxic waste dumping fee for oily dirt
$250.00 Repairs to garage wall
$1000.00 Bail
$40.00 beer
----------------
Total: $1,834.30
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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