Hello again, fellow scientists...
From the beginning of time, man has pondered the really big
questions about the nature of the universe. Questions of cosmic
importance such as:
- How can we reverse entropy?
- How come the Chandler wobble hasn't dampened out?
And,
- If Teflon is so non-sticky, how do they get it to
stick to the pan?
At it's simplest, all science is a method to help explain
how things work. Or, why they don't work. Clearly, there are
some questions that can never be answered, but that doesn't mean
they will stop trying. Why, it was just a few years ago that an
aerodynamic scientist in England, using a wind tunnel and ultra
sensitive balance, determined why toast always seems to land
butter side down when you drop it.* (All other things being
equal, the combination of greater weight and smoother surface on
the buttered side leads to a slight imbalance of forces... You
didn't really want to know this, did you?)
Some people these days have a fear of science, and distrust
it intensely. Not that they understand it, they just distrust
it. While it is good to take the time to consider things, this
nearly instinctive fear without knowledge is far from positive.
If you were to explain to people that you can irrigate the land
by increasing vapor pressure using a fusion reactor, they'd ride
you out of town on a rail -- even though we already have this
process. It's called rain.
We live such in a world of technological advances and
incredible knowledge that it sometimes all seems like magic. But
you don't have to look very far to see that science is still
baffled by some of the simplest, most common things. As Bertrand
Russel said, "The universe is full of magical things patiently
waiting for our wits to grow sharper." While we are waiting,
here's a look at some of the progress we've made.
Now, I'm not about to experiment by skipping the Thank
You's! So, Thanks and best wishes this week to all of our
friends and supporters, especially: Keiko Amakawa, Jerry Taff,
Diana Lee, The Conrads, Jan Michalski, Chuck Maray, Stan Leung,
Rosana Leung, Laura Hong Li, Anna Macareno, Helen Yee, Kerry
Miller, Tim McChain, Bruce Gonzo, Carol Becwar, Anna Brink, Steve
Smith, and Joshua Brink. May all of your experiments produce the
results you wish.
Have A Great Week!
* [REFERENCE: "European Journal of Physics," vol.16, no.4, July
18, 1995, p. 172-6.].
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"The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects
is that science requires reasoning, while those other
subjects merely require scholarship."
- Lazarus Long
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FROM THE PUBLISH OR PERISH COLLECTION...
-------------------------------------
Science would be lots easier if you could fake your way
through it. It can be difficult to follow some of the more
technical articles, but you can make out certain phrases that are
used in nearly all science writing. These phrases are not used
to convey new information. They are strictly there to cover the
researcher's backside and allow the paper to be published at all.
Knowing the code allows you to get much more out of the
article. So, the next time you are reading "Alkylation Loss of
Zn Bound to Two Terminal and Two-Bridging Thiolates" on the
beach, you'll know what the score is.
Even if you don't understand the game.
When They Write: What They Really Mean Is:
----------------------------------------------------------------
It has long been known I couldn't find a good reference
that... for this.
While it has not been The experiments didn't work, but
possible to provide I figured I could get a
definite answers to publication out of it, anyway.
these questions...
The XYZ system was The guy in the next lab already
chosen as especially had the equipment handy...
suitable to show the
predicted behavior...
High purity... We have no idea what's in it, but
Very high purity... the label said...
Extremely high purity...
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically The bottle looks to be the right
pure... color.
A fiducial reference A conveniently located scratch...
line...
Three of the samples The results of the others didn't
were chosen for make sense so we tossed them
detailed study... out...
...handled with extreme ...we tried not to drop any on
care during the the floor.
experiments...
Typical results are Results that fit what we are
shown... trying to prove are shown.
The agreement with the Agreement with the predicted curve
predicted curve is: is actually:
excellent fair
good poor
satisfactory doubtful
fair imaginary
...as good as We couldn't find any
could be expected correlation at all.
These results will be I'm up for review, so this had
reported at a later to go out today, done or not.
date.
It is suggested that... I guess...
It is believed that...
It may be that...
It is clear that much We don't know what the results
additional work will mean.
be required before a
complete
understanding...
Unfortunately, a Fortunately for us, nobody else
quantitative theory knows what happened, either
to account for these
effects has not been
formulated.
It is hoped that this This paper isn't very good, but
work will stimulate neither are any of the others on
further work in the this crappy subject.
field...
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"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one
that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!,' (I
found it!) but 'That's funny ...'"
- Isaac Asimov
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THE BIG BANG THEORY, SIMPLY EXPLAINED
-------------------------------------
"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."
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WHEN "EAT MY SHORTS" IS NOT AN INSULT...
-------------------------------------
Many science problems are complex, and do not lead in any
direct fashion to the results they produce. Now Russian
scientists are hot on the trail of a problem that needs to be
solved before we can contemplate any long-term space travel to
other planets. A problem that manages to sound both stupid and
sensible at the same time: how do you recycle the astronauts
dirty underwear?
There are no laundry facilities in space and everything will
need to be recycled on such long missions, so simply chucking the
soiled drawers out the hatch is a poor solution. The Russians
say that they are very close to achieving the right combination
of microbes to eat the cotton and paper space shorts worn by
astronauts.
"This will be a revolution in the science of
biodegradation," researcher Vyacheslav Llyin told New Scientist
magazine. "Cosmonauts identify waste as one of the most acute
problems they encounter in space."
The scientists announced another advantage to the process:
the methane produced by the bacteria while breaking down the
fabric can be used to power the spacecraft. (Reuters)
[ Can't you almost hear Captain Kirk turning to a
shapely woman crewperson and saying, "We're low on
power. Give me all your underwear..."? ]
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"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as
to be understood by everyone, something that no one
ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact
opposite."
- Paul Dirac (1902-1984)
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LESS THAN NOBEL EFFORTS...
-----------------------
There's scientific research that helps the world and leads
to incredible progress in knowledge and understanding. Such
advances, if important enough, may give a scientist a chance at
the world's most important science award, the Nobel Prize.
Then there's scientific research that kind of just lays
there. Like the research done by Dr. Arvid Vatle of Norway, who
carefully collected, classified and cataloged the exact kinds of
containers his patients chose when submitting urine samples.
(REFERENCE: "Unyttig om urinprover," Arvid Vatle, Tidsskift for
Den norske laegeforening [The Journal of the Norwegian Medical
Association], No. 8, March 20, 1999, p. 1178.)
While such dedicated scholarship is unlikely to ever win a
Nobel Prize, it is clearly worthy of some note. Fortunately,
this is exactly the sort of research that the science magazine,
"The Annals of Improbable Research," loves to highlight. For the
past dozen years or so, the magazine has sponsored its own awards
ceremony just for such advances.
Called the Ig-Nobel Awards, they are awarded for scientific
research that seems, at first glance, to be completely useless
and impractical. Come to think of it, most of it seems pretty
useless at second glance, too. Here, you folks decided from some
of last year's other winners:
- SOCIOLOGY:
Steve Penfold, of York University in Toronto, for his
ground breaking PhD thesis on the sociology of Canadian
donut shops.
- MANAGED HEALTH CARE:
The late George and Charlotte Blonsky of New York City
and San Jose, California, for inventing a device (US
Patent #3,216,423) to aid women in giving birth -- the
woman is strapped onto a circular table, and the table
is then rotated at high speed. (Featured previously in
SUNFUN 'PATENTLY WEIRD' in August of 1999.)
- PHYSICS:
Dr. Len Fisher of Bath, England and Sydney, Australia
for calculating the optimal way to dunk a biscuit.
...and...
Professor Jean-Marc Vanden-Broeck of the University of
East Anglia, England, and Belgium, for his theoretical
work in calculating precisely how to make a teapot
spout that does not drip.
- LITERATURE:
The British Standards Institution for its six-page
specification (BS-6008) on the proper way to make a cup
of tea.
- CHEMISTRY:
Takeshi Makino, president of The Safety Detective
Agency in Osaka, Japan, for his involvement with
S-Check, an infidelity detection spray that wives can
apply to their husbands' underwear.
- BIOLOGY:
Dr. Paul Bosland, director of The Chile Pepper
Institute, New Mexico State University, Las Cruces, New
Mexico, for breeding a spiceless jalapeno chile pepper.
Next year they may win the Literature award if they can
explain what it is good for.
- ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION:
Hyuk-ho Kwon of Kolon Company of Seoul, Korea, for
inventing the self-perfuming business suit.
- PEACE:
Charl Fourie and Michelle Wong of Johannesburg, South
Africa, for inventing an automobile burglar alarm
consisting of a detection circuit and a flamethrower.
Previous winners of the Ig-Nobel Award include:
- Literature winner in 1998, Dr. Mara Sidoli of Washington,
DC, for her illuminating report, "Farting as a Defence
Against Unspeakable Dread." ["Journal of Analytical
Psychology," vol. 41, no. 2, 1996, pp. 165- 78.]
- Medicine award winners for 1997 Carl J. Charnetski and
Francis X. Brennan, Jr. of Wilkes University, and James F.
Harrison of Muzak Ltd. in Seattle, Washington, for their
discovery that listening to elevator Muzak stimulates
immunoblobulin A (IgA) production, and thus may help prevent
the common cold.
- Entomology winner, Mark Hostetler, of the University of
Florida, for his scholarly book, "That Gunk on Your Car,"
which identifies the insect splats that appear on automobile
windows. [The book is published by Ten Speed Press.]
- Bernard Vonnegut of the State University of Albany, for his
1997 Meteorology Award winning report, "Chicken Plucking as
Measure of Tornado Wind Speed." [Published in "Weatherwise,"
October 1975, p. 217.]
- And especially, the 1996 award in literature to the editors
of the journal "Social Text," for eagerly publishing
research that they could not understand, that the author
said was meaningless, and which claimed that reality does
not exist. [The paper was - or maybe wasn't -
"Transgressing the Boundaries: Toward a Transformative
Hermeneutics of Quantum Gravity," Alan Sokal, "Social Text,"
Spring/Summer 1996, pp. 217-252.]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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