Greetings, Post-Modernists!
Busy time of year, isn't it? As wonderful as the holiday
season is, it does mean that everyone runs around at a higher
stress level than usual. Our lives have gotten so busy that our
cultures are changing to fit the new realities. But it's not the
pace of life that concerns me in the long run, it's that sudden
stop at the end.
It was all so different before everything changed. Most of
our ideas about how nice things were in "the good old days" are
pretty silly, especially considering that the average work day
then was fourteen hours. But one thing that is true is that life
did seem to move more slowly and people did work at a more
leisurely pace.
I just came across a century-old newspaper clipping from
July of 1899, when streetcar motormen in Racine, Wisconsin were
ready to strike because they felt management had unfairly
assigned them too much work. The streetcar company had changed
from a two-man crew to only one, giving motormen the extra job of
checking that each rider dropped a nickel into the fare box.
Before, that job had been assigned to the conductor, with the
motorman only driving the trolley. The men complained bitterly
about being so overworked. Notice that this is a tiny fraction
of the workload of modern bus drivers - streetcar pilots rarely
had to make change, operated on streets with very little traffic
at only about 10 miles per hour (16 KM/H) and didn't even have to
worry about steering. It says something about the level of
stress we modern folks consider normal.
Life has sped up until we now rush through our lives,
barely taking the time to eat. It's gotten so bad that the
government is thinking of coming out with new food groups to
better reflect our lifestyles. One proposal has it that we
should divide edibles into: The Microwave Group, the Salty
Snacks Group, the White Paper Bag Group and the "What-ever-that-
thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" Group.
Thanks this week to Funnies Fans everywhere, especially:
Etsuko Hori, Nnamdi Elleh, Laura Hong Li, Bruce Gonzo, Fumiko
Umino, Jerry Taff, Howard Lesniak, Larry Sakar, Dale
Frederickson, Jan Michalski, Carol J. Becwar, Tomoko Naito & Mike
Fagan, Tim McChain, Ann Glomski, Naomi Ogawa, Annamarie Macareno,
Harry Cherkinian, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Kerry Miller,
Joshua & Anna Brink, Jim & Beth Butler, Patricia Vanderveen,
Kristy Baum, Peter J. Adler and Brian Seigl. One advantage of
having the stresses of the modern age: If a particular Funnies
doesn't come out quite right, I suppose I could always plead
contemporary insanity...
Have A Calm Week!
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A SLOW START, BUT A GOOD FINNISH...
--------------------------------
A recent report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned
about declining population and a high incidence of stress among
workers, recommended that people should take "sex holidays" from
work. The proposal was immediately endorsed by a Lutheran church
official in Finland.
[ The number for the Finnish Embassy in
Washington is: 1-(202)-298-5800. ]
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MAGIC WORDS...
-----------
It's official! New York City subway conductors are now
officially instructed that it is OK for them to add the word
"Please" when requesting that riders "Stand clear of the doors."
Transit Authority officials had earlier urged train crews to
drop the courtesy, claiming that it would save five seconds per
stop. After an outcry from transit riders and unions that New
York is already impolite enough, the TA backed down, admitting
that the five second claim was "silly."
"We are still going to come up with a way to make the
announcements more concise but without making them less polite,"
transit spokesman Al O'Leary said. (AP)
[ Being New York, I guess we should be
thankful they didn't change the announcement
to a simple "Hey, Youse! Clear the @$&%}*&^
Doors!" ]
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POSTER ART...
----------
So many companies have take a second look at the increasing
demands and stress of the modern office, and have come up with
the same answer: "Let's put up a few feel-good, motivational
posters to make everyone feel better about themselves!"
Management loves it! Mostly because it hardly costs anything.
But the posters they usually put up are just baloney. Here are
some more realistic motivational posters we'd like to see:
- Rome did not create a great empire by having organizational
meetings... they did it by killing all those who opposed
them.
- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then
you probably haven't understood just how seriously screwed
up things really are.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing
the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
- A person who smiles in the face of adversity, has probably
already picked out someone to blame.
- Plagiarism saves much time.
- If at first you don't succeed, try management.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame
yourself.
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THE PARTY LINE
--------------
A few weeks back, a policewoman in Netanya, Israel pulled
over a motorist whose gray Mitsubishi was weaving back and forth
as he drove. She assumed the driver was drunk. Instead, the
policewoman found that the overstressed driver was attempting to
drive while engaged in two conversations with a cell phone in
each hand. He was steering with his elbows.
- from Thomas L. Friedman's Column,
New York Times News Service.
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HAVING A FEW HANGUPS...
--------------------
Ever hear of a phone company that asks people to get off of
the phone?
It happened recently in Hong Kong, where Cable & Wireless
HKT, the local phone company, begged journalists to turn off
their cell phones and pagers before covering a company press
conference.
Phone company executives, like nearly everyone else in Hong
Kong these days, are being driven crazy by the constant,
inescapable ringing of portable phones. Nearly 40% of Hong
Kong's 6.5 million people have mobile phones, and they seem to go
off everywhere.
The company's chairman rejected suggestions that quieting
the phones might be bad for business. "It's just politeness," she
said in a telephone interview.
And it's clear that things have gotten out of hand: A doctor
at a Hong Kong hospital recently caused a scandal by allegedly
chatting with a car salesman on his portable phone during an
operation. (AP)
[ The bells! The Bells! ]
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PLANE FARE...
----------
Apparently, we members of the flying public aren't the only
ones who are tired of the doughy, synthetic factory product the
airlines laughingly call "food."
Late last month, Captain Floyd Dean, a 22-year veteran pilot
for Northwest Airlines, found that none of the in-flight meals on
his flight were to his taste. So he left the airplane in search
of a meal he liked. Fortunately for the gourmet aviator, the
plane was on the ground in Las Vegas at the time.
Finding the choice of fare in the airport terminal no
better, the intrepid Captain Dean grabbed a cab and headed
elsewhere to find something he cared to eat.
Meanwhile, the 150 passengers sat, fuming in the Boeing 757
the pilot was supposed to fly to Detroit. One passenger told the
Detroit Free Press that the crew had announced that their pilot
had left because he could not get a "decent meal" at the airport.
The flight finally left when the captain returned from lunch 90
minutes later.
We weren't able to find out were the veteran pilot went to
eat that day, but we do hope that he put in an application for
employment. After that little food fiasco, Northwest Airlines
fired him without so much as a bag of peanuts. (Reuters)
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"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed
and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."
- Talk show host, David Frost
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HOW NOW, DROWN COW?
------------------
Motorists on Interstate 4 in Florida slowed one recent
Saturday afternoon when they saw the odd site of a cow standing
in knee- deep water in a marshy field near the road. Soon traffic
on the busy freeway was nearly at a standstill, as hundreds of
drivers watched, many calling authorities concerned about the
"drowning cow." Actually, the bathing bossy was in no danger,
and had just wandered out into the swampland to enjoy a marshy
salad.
As traffic tie-ups continued, the highway department arrived
with a sign to explain the situation and prevent people from
stopping to help. Quickly setting up one of those large
electronic sign boards, they put up the helpful message: "THE COW
IS OK!"
That solved the problem on Saturday afternoon, and the
workers went home, congratulating themselves on a job well done.
Soon, even the muddy cow wandered away, either in search of
greener pastures or simply tired of all the attention.
And that's when the real problems started, causing traffic
to back up for miles as puzzled drivers strained to find the cow
mentioned on the warning sign. Workers finally removed the sign
after rush hour on Monday morning.
"We're long on humanitarianism and short on creative writing
skills," said Florida Department of Transportation spokesman
Steve Homan. (AP)
[ "OK, Mooove along! Nothing to see. Keep
it mooving, folks..." ]
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ANOTHER SIGN OF THE TIMES?
-------------------------
Computer consultant Robbie Crawford thinks he has the answer
to road rage. No, it's not outfitting all cars with a Prozac
spray mist. Crawford says the answer is providing better
communication between motorists.
The London-based inventor has produced an electronic sign
board that mounts in the rear window, intended to spread messages
like "Sorry!" or "Thank You!." He has had 4,000 of the devices
made and is ready to start selling them to make the road a nicer
place.
"We are getting interest from all around the world -- from
Italy, Germany, Australia, New Zealand and the U.S.," Crawford
told the London Daily Mail. (Reuters)
Other helpful phrases suggested by our SUNFUN consultants
included: "You would probably drive much better if you weren't a
moron," "Do you have an I.Q. above 50?," "Back off!" and the ever
popular "Nice move, Bozo!" Though I suppose there might be some
debate on whether these would really end road rage.
[ How about, "The Cow Is OK!"? ]
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THE FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER...
------------------------------
"I was teaching my daughter, Stefanie, the Lord's Prayer.
Every evening, she would repeat after me the lines from the
prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride
as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the
prayer: 'And lead us not into temptation', she prayed, 'but
deliver us some E-mail. Amen'"
- Nancy Wohlge
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LIKE ONE OF THE FAMILY DEPARTMENT
---------------------------------
San Francisco's Commission of Animal Control and Welfare has
made it illegal to own pets in that city. Oh, it's OK to still
share your house with a cat, or dog or gerbil, but you just can't
OWN them.
In a move championed by the Animal Rights Group In Defense
of Animals, the Commission decided to change all references to
"pet owner" to the politically correct "pet guardian." Clearly,
these are people with lots of time on their hands.
"This is a very emotional issue ... especially for me,"
Commission Chairman Richard Schulke told reporters after the
vote. "I've always treated all of my pets as friends and family."
Eliot Katz, the veterinarian who heads In Defense of
Animals, said changing the term pet owners to "pet guardians"
would reduce violence against animals and encourage more
adoptions from animal shelters. (Reuters)
[ Maybe it's something in the water... ]
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"Modern man thinks he loses something: time; when he
does not do things quickly. Yet he does not know what
to do with the time he gains; except kill it."
- Erich Fromm
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YOU KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE 90's, IF...
---------------------------------------
- You've sat at the same desk for the last four years and
worked for three different organizations and four different
bosses.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- Communication is something your department is having
problems with.
- You see an unstressed-looking person and know instinctively
they are a visitor.
- During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a
social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family
members.
- Free food left over from meetings is a staple of your diet.
- Being sick is defined as "can't walk," "in the hospital," or
"deceased."
- You're already late on the work task you just got.
- You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.
- "Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a
check you get every January.
- Your relatives and family can only vaguely describe your job
as "working with computers".
- It's dark when you drive work.
- It's dark when you drive home, too.
- Your business cards are no longer correct just one month
after you receive them.
- You have every variety of "Cup-A-Soup" known to humankind in
your desk drawer, including the Japanese brands.
- You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic
device.
- "Shopping" is something you do only in the duty-free section
of airports or online.
- You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and
target goals because no one else really knows what you do
anyway. Besides, the Personnel Department was outsourced
last month.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost
your "good jokes" file.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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