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Join the Herd for Cowboy Funnies

Howdy, Pardners!
     So, you've seen all of John Wayne's movies and think you
know about cowboys, right?  The curious thing about cowboys and
Indians in those old movies is that, in the real west, some of
the cowboys WERE Indians.  And Mexicans.  And Blacks.  Those old
ranchers weren't exactly equal opportunity employers, but they
weren't likely to turn down any good riders that were willing to
work at what was basically a crummy job with very low wages.
     There was nothing very glamorous about the life of cowboys
in the real West.  For about 20 years from the Civil War into the
1880's, cowboys moved cattle from the big ranches in Texas to the
nearest railroad - in Kansas.  Once the railroads expanded south
and west in the 1880's, there was no further need for long cattle
drives, and the trail cowboys became ranch hands, for the most
part.
     Though we like to think of a cowboy as the very spirit of
independence, it pays to remember that his job depended on
technology - the railroad and the growing meat packing houses in
Chicago.  As the technology changed, the jobs moved away and
eventually disappeared.  You might say they were downsized.  Even
during the heyday of cattle drives there wasn't all that much
independence; a cowboy's clothes were most often from San
Francisco, his saddle from Maine, his Colt pistols from Hartford,
Connecticut and his Stetson hat from New York City.  (NEW YORK
CITY?!)  And eating all that trail dust for up to 3 months at a
time earned an experienced hand the princely sum of $30 a month. 
Even at 1880's prices, a dollar a day doesn't buy much
independence.
     This year we lost two famous movie cowboys, Roy Rogers and
Gene Autry.  These sagebrush superstars were among the world's
best-known cowboys, except that Autry was a singing railroad
telegraph operator from Oklahoma and Rogers was a farm kid from
Duck Run, Ohio whose real name was Leonard Sly.  In the movies,
they both seemed to have a swell time ropin' and ranchin' and
cleanin' up towns that didn't really look all that dirty.
     And John Wayne?  He was Marion Michael Morrison from
Winterset, Iowa, when he played college football for UCLA in the
1920's.  He was working as a truck driver when he was discovered
and cast as a cowboy in his first movie.  He was never a cowboy
outside of the movies.  But then, he was never a war hero,
either.
     We're much obliged to our pals and partners for the fine
writin' they've sent along:  Kerry Miller; Yasmin Leischer; Gary
White; Texas Jerry Taff; Gene Zienty; a group of ladies from the
East (the Far East) - Sylvia Libin He, Caterina Sukup and Laura
Hong Li; and some of our kinfolk, including Beth Butler, John
Adler, Carol J. Becwar and Bob Martens.  Hope that you are all
point riders on the trail of life. 
     Have a Great Week!


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POLITICS INTRUDES...
-----------------
     After the election of ex-pro wrestler Jesse "the Body"
Ventura as governor of the State of Minnesota, this bumper
sticker appeared on the streets of Minneapolis:
          "Our Governor Can Take Your Governor!"


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INDIAN WISDOM...
-------------
     Indians usually got second billing in the old Western
movies, so it seems right somehow to put them first here.  The
American government borrowed certain ideas from Indian tribal
councils very early in our country's history, particularly from
the Algonquins of the Eastern U.S.  But it seems like the modern
government has forgotten many of the lessons from that ancient
culture.  There is an old Lakota Sioux bit of tribal wisdom that
says, when you find you are riding a dead horse, your best
strategy is to get off.   But our government seems to try all
other possibilities first, such as:

   - Buying a stronger whip.

   - Changing riders.

   - Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden
     this horse."

   - Appointing a committee to study the horse.

   - Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead
     horses.

   - Adjusting the standards to include dead horses.

   - Appointing a team of specialists to revive the dead horse.

   - Creating training sessions to improve our riding ability.

   - Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

   - Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."

   - Blaming the horse's parents.

   - Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

   - Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

   - Providing additional funding to increase the horse's
     performance.

   - Do a cost analysis study to see if outside contractors can
     ride it cheaper.

   - Purchase a Commercial Off-The-Shelf (COTS) dead horse.

   - Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

   - Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

   - Revisit the performance requirements for horses

   - Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent
     variable.

   - Submit the horse farm on which it was born to the Base
     Realignment and Closure Commission.

   - Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.


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COWBOYS TO THE RESCUE
---------------------
     When a 1,700 pound (770 kg) Angus bull broke through a gate
at the Red Bluff Veterinary Clinic in California a while back,
police tried to use their cars in an attempt to herd the enraged 
animal into a city park where it could be captured.  Then they 
found out why that doesn't work.  The bull charger the cars, kicking 
and butting the cars repeatedly, breaking out the windows and 
causing serious damage.  It took a couple of cowboys on horseback 
to work the bull away from the perforated patrol cars before anyone 
was injured.  The cow hands had the belligerent bull loaded on a 
trailer in just a few minutes.
     "An Angus is not really all that mean usually, but this one
was pretty riled up," said rodeo pickup man Trevor Adams.
     But in the town of Red Bluff, there are a couple of patrol
officers who think that's bull.


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COWBOYS AND INDIANS: CULTURAL DIFFERENCES...
-----------------------------------------
     Three cowboys had been riding the range since early in the
morning.  As it happened, one of them was a member of the Navajo
Indian Nation.  Being busy with rounding up strays all day, there
had been no time for the three of them to eat.
     At the end of the day, as the tired cowpokes were riding in,
two of them started talking about how hungry they were and about
the huge meals they were going to eat when they reached town. 
But when one of the famished cowboys asked the Navajo if he was
also hungry, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nope." 
     Finally, on toward late evening, they got into town.  All
three cowboys went to the nearest restaurant and ordered huge
steak dinners.  As the Navajo cowboy proceeded to eat everything
in sight with great gusto, one of his friends reminded him that
just a short time before he had told them that he was not hungry.
     "Not wise to be hungry then," he replied.  "There was no
food."


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NEXT OUT OF THE CHUTE: BULL-RIDER WILBUR "WIMP" CARSON...
------------------------------------------------------
     Last September, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control
announced that they were concerned by the number of injuries
suffered by rodeo bull riders.  Not that you'd assume that anyone
jumping on the back of a bad-tempered animal the size of a Buick
would think that it's especially safe.
     Joseph Sniezek, an official with the Center's National
Center for Injury Prevention suggested that the solution might be
to require helmets.
          [ What's next?  Seatbelts for bronc riders? ]


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COWBOY WISDOM
-------------

   - A man is not born a cowboy; He becomes one. 

   - If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every
     now and then to make sure it's still there.

   - When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
     don't be surprised if they learn their lesson and start to
     teach you a few things.

   - Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town. 

   - Never walk when you can ride, and never stand when you can
     sit. 

   - Most men are like a barbed wire fence, they have their good
     points. 

   - Always drink upstream from the herd. 

   - Only a fool argues with a skunk, a mule or a cook. 

   - Tossing the rope before building a loop will not catch a
     calf. 

   - Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain't
     talking.

   - Don't squat with your spurs on.

   - If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably
     ain't.

   - The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal
     with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

   - Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you
     none.

   - Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two
     entirely different propositions.

   - Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

   - Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.  Your
     mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

   - If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
     try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

   - Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's
     a-jawin'.

   - If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop
     diggin'.

   - Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

   - It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

   - When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it
     thrown back at you.

   - Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n
     puttin' it back.

   - Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.  It's
     not so important to know what it is, but it's real smart to
     know what it was.

   - The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and
     put it back in your pocket.

   - Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of
     good whiskey.

   - The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up
     and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile,
     get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat
     it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but
     otherwise ignore it.

   - Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

   - Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
     from bad judgment.

   - It's a mistake to drive black cattle in the dark. 

   - There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one
     works.


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