QUESTIONS OF THE CENTURY!

Things I Still Wonder About...

Greetings, SUNFUN Fans!
     This is the hundredth Sunday Funnies since I started doing
this as a weekly back in August of 1996.  I guess I knew
something like this would happen if I kept it up, but it is still
a little surprising to see just how many of these columns are
floating around out there in cyberspace.  It certainly has
changed my life; in the nearly two years I've been doing this,
Funnies has propelled me from local to nearly world-wide
obscurity.
     One of the nice things about doing Funnies every week is
hearing from all of our contributors and friends.  Another
benefit is all of the things I learn from reading through the
material as it comes in.  I've learned, for example, that
criminals are generally not as smart as the rest of us.  I've
learned that the rest of us aren't all that smart sometimes,
either.  I've learned that honesty is the best policy, but
insanity is a better defense.  And I've learned that you folks
have more funny stuff than I'll ever be able to use, even if I
doubled Funnies weekly page count.
     Even after being exposed to all of that information, I still
have thousands of questions...  I can't understand racism,
ethnic-cleansing, or religious intolerance.  I don't understand
dictators, political extremists, or radical fundamentalists (And
isn't that a contradiction?).  I don't get bill consolidation
loans, monster trucks, or The Psychic Connection Hotline.  And I
can't, for the life of me, understand the continuing movie career
of Pauly Shore, or why bra is singular and panties are plural. 
Some things are just beyond logic, I guess.
     Continuing Thanks to all of you who send along material and
encouragement; I couldn't keep doing Funnies without your help! 
Thanks this week for the contributions and support of:  Carol
Becwar, Caterina Sukup, Nancy Wohlge, Beth Butler, John Wallner, 
Alison Becwar, Tim McChain, Jerry Taff, Yuko Shimizu, Dale 
Frederickson, Don Ney, Howard Lesniak, Peter Adler, Sylvia Libin 
He, Kerry Miller, Dick Ginkowski and Naomi Ogawa.
     The idea of Sunday Funnies is to give you something to smile
about every week.  As with any series, some columns will probably
be funnier than others, but we'll keep on trying.  In the
immortal words of Ex-Vice President Dan Quayle, "If we don't
succeed, we run the risk of failure."  
     And as long as there are folks like old Danforth Q. running
around loose, I'll never run out of SUNFUN material.
     Have a Great (100th) Week!


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QUESTIONS I'M STILL TRYING TO ANSWER:
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   - Is it OK for vegetarians to eat animal crackers?

   - Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

   - If white wine goes with fish, what goes with sushi?  White
     grapes, maybe?

   - Why is it that wrong numbers are never busy?

   - If Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash sang a song together, do you
     they might actually be IN tune?

   - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

   - Why do they always lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they
     afraid someone might clean them?

   - How do you throw away a garbage can?

   - If a man speaks in the woods and his wife is not there to
     hear him, is he still wrong?

   - How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

   - Why do people always remember where they were when someone
     famous was killed?  Do they think they might need an alibi?

   - If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

   - If I save time, when do I get it back?

   - If marriage was illegal, would only outlaws have in-laws?

   - Is it bad luck to be superstitious?

   - If honesty is so great, why can't we just walk up to someone
     at a party and say, "Hi, I can't remember your name
     either."?

   - How can there be 'Interstate' highways in Hawaii?

   - If you try to fail, and succeed anyway, which have you done?

   - When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

   - Why do they put Braille dots on the keypads of drive-up
     Automatic Teller Machines?

   - If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then why weren't they four
     times as lucky for the rabbit who lost them?

   - If your bagpipes were out of tune, how could you tell?

   - Do blind Eskimos have Seeing-Eye sled dogs?

   - If the cops arrest a mute, do they still have to tell him he
     has the right to remain silent?

   - Do fish ever get thirsty?

   - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
     together?

   - Why do tourists take all of the trouble to go to the top of
     tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can
     see things on the ground close up?

   - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

   - Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

   - If a guy with multiple personalities threatens to kill
     himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   - Does ANYONE ever read all the way through a computer manual?

   - Why is a preposition such a bad thing to end a sentence
     with?

   - Are there any pagan missionaries?

   - Is reality is just a very common hallucination?

   - Why do people think that 'ALL NATURAL' products are always
     somehow better for them?  Arsenic is all natural.  So is
     cyanide.

   - What color does a chameleon change to when it sees itself in
     a mirror?

   - If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would you
     ever know?

   - Why do you have to make an appointment to see a psychic?

   - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

   - If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would
     they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?

   - Why isn't there any mouse-flavored cat food?

   - If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

   - What hair color do they put on a bald man's driver's
     license?

   - When our mind wanders, where does it go?

   - How do they know that dogs really like dog food that looks
     like hamburger?

   - Why do you have to click "Start" in order to STOP Windows
     95?

   - If you were taking a metaphysics exam, would it be cheating
     if you looked into the soul of the person next to you?

   - Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

   - What's a word that rhymes with purple?

   - Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
     address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

   - If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of
     a thousand words worth?

   - Why CAN'T you keep your eyes open when you sneeze?

   - Would living in a nudist colony take all of the fun out of
     Halloween?

   - Why do raincoats have to be dry cleaned?

   - Do diet conscious cannibals eat only vegetarians?

   - If they have to put up a sign in the bathroom to remind the
     employees to wash their hands, can it really be that great a
     place to eat?

   - Isn't all of life a near-death experience?

   - Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?

   - If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

   - Why is it that someone will believe you when you tell them
     that there are 400 billion stars in our galaxy, but when you
     tell them that something has wet paint on it, they just have
     to touch it?

   - Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

   - Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?

   - If existentialists are right and everything is really an
     illusion, does that mean that I paid too much for carpeting?

   - Why do bald men have to pay the same price for a haircut as
     guys with hair?

   - Is a writer who mixes metaphors just marching to his own
     kettle of fish?

   - Why do you press harder on the remote control when you're
     really sure that the battery is dead?

   - If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

   - Why are politicians forever talking about improving
     education when politics is almost the only career in which
     stupidity is NOT a handicap?

   - Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

   - Freud claimed that when you dream about flying, it's really
     about sex.  So what does it mean if you dream about sex?

   - If a paranoid is such a jerk that everyone really does hate
     him, is he still a paranoid?

   - Would it cause a panic if you yelled "MOVIE!" in a crowded
     firehouse?

   - If life is that uncertain, shouldn't we eat dessert first?


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