YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS!

Romance and Relationships

Hi again, All!
     It's not going to be any great revelation that men and women
approach life differently, which probably explains why men and
women don't always understand each other.  I know I'm confused
most of the time.  Though I grew up with two sisters, have many
very close friends who are women, and have been happily married
for over 20 years, I still suspect that all I really know about
women could be written comfortably on the back of a postage
stamp.  In capital letters.
     The simplistic view among men is that women are impossible
to explain, because they go so far off into emotional territory
that is completely uncharted for men.  The simplistic view among
women is that men have this awful tendency to be ill-mannered
louts who don't understand the simplest hints.  Both views are at
least somewhat correct.  Part of the problem is that women
believe that men are ignoring them when really men are furiously
trying to think of something like an answer that won't be instant
trouble.  When a woman asks a question such as, "Do you think
this color makes me look fat?,"  there simply is NO answer better
than saying nothing and pretending not to have heard.
     Sunday Funnies Thanks this week to: Nnamdi Elleh, Caterina &
Jim Sukup, Sylvia Libin He, Ellen Peterson, John Adler, Yasmin &
Meredith Leischer, Timothy McChain, Carol Becwar, Laura Hong Li,
Sachiko Sumida, Dale Frederickson, Noriko Ieki, John Peterson,
Naomi Ogawa, Kerry Miller and Mark Becwar (for the 'Titanic'
effort).  The best to all of you in all of your relationships,
and, as always --
     Have a Great Week!


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DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS...
-------------------------
     I heard from Jessi Winchester last week...  Those of you
with long memories will recall that she is the former prostitute
who ran unsuccessfully for Congress in 1996, though she did as
well as some of the political insiders with national support.  In
that story (Nov. 1996), I stated that she was in the Republican
Party primary.  That was incorrect, it was the Democratic
primary.  But Jessi is currently leading the race for Lt.
Governor of Nevada on the Republican ticket, so that might
account for the confusion.  By the way, she does have a web site
at:

http://abcsn.com/JessiWin.htm

     Info here is that Jessi will be hosting her annual charity
ball at the Reno Hilton on May 16th to benefit veterans groups
and the Children's Cabinet Charities.
     Trivia department - if Ms. Winchester wins, it will be the
highest American office held by an ex-prostitute recent times. 
According to the Reno Gazette-Journal, the current record holder
is the former mayor of Sausalito, California, Sally Stanford,
elected in 1972.


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JUST FOOLING OURSELVES?
----------------------
     The conventional wisdom on what makes a relationship
successful is that truth, openness and good communication are the
keys to a happy marriage.  But a recent study by the University
of Florida showed that self-delusion may be a far more accurate
indicator of how successful a marriage will be.
     By interviewing several hundred couples every six months
over a four year period, researchers found that couples with
successful marriages were more likely to remember past events
selectively.  In effect, according to the study, the happy
couples edit their past memories to make themselves feel better
about the present.
   "The advice to husbands and wives to communicate better
puts a lot of pressure and blame on couples," Said Professor
Benjamin Karney in describing the research. "It says, 'If only
you communicated better, you'd be happy.' I don't think that's
true, nor does the research show it to be true."  Karney said
that interviews
    Karney said that interviews with those couples found that,
while they said their marriages were growing stronger, their
comments revealed things actually were getting worse.
    "When it comes to marital happiness, it's good to be able to
tell yourself a story you'd like to believe," he said.  (Reuters)

          [ Which does provide the ideal answer to the
          question, "what aren't you telling me?" ]

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SPEAKING OF MEN & WOMEN SPEAKING...
-------------------------------
     Roger was attracted to Elaine. He asked her out to a movie;
she accepted; they had a good time.  A few nights later he asked
her out to dinner, and again they enjoyed themselves.  They
continued to see each other regularly, and after a while neither
of them was seeing anyone else.
     Then, one evening when they were driving home, a thought
occurred to Elaine.  Without really thinking about it, she said, 
"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other
for exactly six months?"
     There was silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seemed like a
very loud silence.  She thought to herself, "I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined
by our relationship.  Maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of."
     Meanwhile, Roger was thinking: "Hmmm... Six months?"
     Worried by his lack of response, Elaine thought: "But maybe
I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. 
Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to
think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we
are, moving steadily toward...  I mean, where are we going?  Are
we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy?  Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?
Toward a lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level of
commitment?  Do I really even know this person?"
     At the same time, Roger was thinking: "...So that means it
was --  ahh -- January when we started going out.  Which was
right after I had the car at the dealer's...  Which means... 
Oh-oh!  Check the odometer.  Whoa!  I'm REALLY overdue for an oil
change.  I'd better call them first thing tomorrow morning!"
     Watching his reaction, Elaine thought:  "Look, he's upset. 
I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he
has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations.  Yes, that's it.  What a sensitive man!  That's why
he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's
afraid of being rejected."
     Meanwhile, remembering the problems he had at the garage
last time, Roger thought: "And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right.  And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It's 87 degrees
outside now, and this thing is STILL shifting like a garbage
truck!  I paid those thieves $600 for this?"
     Now Elaine was worried: "He's angry.  I don't really blame
him.  I'd be angry, too.  I feel so guilty, putting him through
this, but I can't help the way I feel.  I'm just not sure."
     Roger thought: "And they'll probably say it's only a 90-
day warranty.  Sure, that's exactly what they're gonna say, the
rats!"
     Seeing the anger on his face, Elaine thought: "Maybe I'm
just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on
his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good
person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care
about, a person who seems to really care about me.  A person who
is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy."
     Roger was still thinking: "Warranty?  They want a warranty?
I'll give them a warranty.  They can stick their warranty right
up their..."
     "Roger," Elaine said aloud.
     "What?" Roger said, startled.
     "Please don't torture yourself like this," she said, her
eyes filling with tears.  "Maybe I should never have...  I feel
so..."  She broke down, sobbing.
     "What?" said Roger, in a panic trying to come up with some
reason why she might be crying.  What could he have done to make
her cry?
     "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobbed. "I mean, I know there's no
knight.  I really know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and
there's no horse."
     "There's no ... horse?" said Roger, trying desperately to
remember every word they had exchanged over the past six months
for some hint what she could mean.
     "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine said.
     "No!" said Roger, just glad to have a simple answer that was
likely to be correct.
     "It's just that... It's that I... I need some time,"
Elaine said.
     There was a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as
he could, tried to come up with some safe response.  Finally, he
hit on one that would sound just wise enough without getting him
into more serious trouble.  That would be just ambivalent enough
to keep this from getting any deeper until he could figure out
what the heck was going on and why she was crying.
     "OK," he said.
     Elaine, deeply moved, touched his hand, her eyes wet with
tears and glowing with love.
     "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she said.
     "What way?" said Roger.
     "That way about time," Elaine replied.
     "Oh," said Roger. "Yes."
     Elaine turned to face him and gazed deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next,
especially if it involved a horse.
     At last she said, "Thank you, Roger."
     "Thank you," said Roger.
     Then he took her home, and she lay on her bed, a
conflicted, tortured soul, weeping until dawn.  Roger, on the
other hand, went back to his place, opened a bag of Doritos, and
turned on the TV, quickly becoming deeply involved in a rerun of
a tennis match between two Czech guys  he'd never heard of.  A
tiny voice in the far corners of his mind told him that something
big was going on back there in the car, but he was sure there was
no way he would ever understand what is was.  Probably better to
just ignore it. 
     The next day Elaine called her closest friend, and they
talked about this situation for six straight hours.  In
painstaking detail, they analyzed everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture, considering every possible
meaning. They continued to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting
bored with it, either.
     Roger, while playing racquetball later with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, paused just before serving, frowned, and
asked:
     "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

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