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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #047 - 07/06/1997

Future Imperfect

Psychics reveal the future - NOT!

Hello again, friends!
     They're out there - WAY out there!  You can hardly watch
late night TV now without running into an ad for the 'Psychic
Friends' or 'The Psychic Connection'.  I've looked into this, and
into the late Jeanne Dixon and other 'psychic pros', and now I
have the answers to the mysteries of life and the universe.  It's
all horse apples!  Check out the predictions these 'top psychics'
have made and see what YOU think!
     The Sunday Funnies runes say that we should send out Thanks
this week to: Paul Roser, Caterina Sukup, Beth Butler, Naomi
Ogawa, Howard Lesniak and Helen Yee.  I predict that you will see
their contributions in future Sunday Funnies.  And a special
thanks to Gene Emery of the Providence Journal.  Get out your
Ouiji boards, it's time to play, stump the psychics!
     Have a great week!
     (OK, I already knew you were going to have a great week.)


     So there you are watching late night TV again, and on come
these truly STUPID ads for the 'Psychic Friends Network' or the
'Real Psychics'.  These TV shows bring up some interesting
points.  If they ARE so good at telling the future, why don't
they just invest in some lottery tickets, or in the stock market. 
You'd think that being able to predict the future would give them
some real advantages there.  The answer I've gotten from the
psychics themselves is that they could never use their powers for
gain or for immoral purposes.  I suppose that includes the German
psychic arrested last February after he tried to con a woman into
buying a lot for a house in heaven.  Come to think of it, $2.99 a
minute seems a pretty much a rip off, too.  Cheaper than the
$5000 per reading that Nancy Reagan use to pay her psychic, Jane
Quigley, though.
     Those of you who know me know that I am indeed a skeptic.  I
don't believe alot of what I can see, let alone stuff that is so
incredibly unlikely.  Besides the utter silliness of some of
their predictions, some things about these shows do seem a little
odd to me.
     Why do they always use third and fourth rate celebrities? 
Most of the folks on the psychic network shows can't even get
work on the dinner theater circuit, let alone anything like a
real showbiz job.  If the psychic consultants were so good, you
think at least some of the celebs they employ would start to have
some kind of career.  Instead, these shows employ ex-child stars,
bottom-rung soap opera actors and ex-singers that must work
really cheaply.  If they weren't on this show, they might not
even get calls for supermarket openings.
     It must cost a fair amount of money to put on the TV shows. 
Why do YOU have to call them?  If they know you have troubles,
and will pay them for a little sympathetic talk, why don't they
just call you?  It sure would be alot cheaper.  And what do you
think of 'Friends' that don't call you when they know you have
troubles?  Some 'Psychic Friends' they are!
     Gene Emery of the Providence (Rhode Island) Journal told The
Sunday Funnies, "I think alot of people have some self-doubt, so
when the psychic fails, it becomes your fault."  The psychics
express supreme confidence in their predictions, no matter how
strange or far off the mark they might be, and they tend to put
personal predictions in the form 'if you're not careful...' or
'Because of a rising Mars conjunction, it is a bad time for you
to...'.  That makes it your fault if things go bad.  Emery, a
respected science writer, has been collecting psychic predictions
for years, and says that he is always amazed at just how people
continue to believe when the psychics never make a specific
prediction of the really unexpected events, and get so much of 
what they do predict wrong.
     But remember these are 'Certified Psychics', as they are
very happy to announce every few minutes.
     "The cleverly-named "Psychic Friends Network," ... claim[s]
to have a worldwide network of "certified" psychics. Of course,
they never tell you who actually performs this phony
     "It doesn't take any paranormal ability to realize that if
any certification is being done at all, it's being performed by
their so-called "psychics" themselves! . . .  Don't waste your
money on these phonies! "
     Interestingly enough, the above quote is from a web site run
by the "REAL PSYCHICS", who will give you their slant on your
future for '$2.99 a minute (10 minute maximum!)'.  No, I don't
know if that means they will only talk to you for 10 minutes and
then hang up.
     The latest gimmick is to offer a 'FREE' reading.  What they
don't tell you is that you have to do more paperwork than you do
for the average IRS audit in order to collect back the money for
the 'free' reading.  Ever have to submit a certified copy of your
phone bill to anyone before?  In the meantime, they hang on to
the $30 or so you spent as an interest-free loan.  Cute trick.
     Why do the web sites and TV commercials for these sites
always have the giveaway phrase at the end 'For Entertainment
Purposes Only'?  They always answer that it's because they are
afraid of being sued if their predictions are not accurate. 
That's funny...  My doctor doesn't have a sign 'Consultation
only, may not reflect real diseases' on her office door. 
Medicine is a pretty uncertain art, too.  And doctors can be sued
- easier than psychics, at any rate.  Could it be that these psy
folks KNOW they are spitting in the wind?
     That's what I think, and here are some of the predictions
that make me think so:


   - Madonna will marry a Middle Eastern sheik and became "a
     totally traditional wife," complete with long robes and
                    (Mystic Meg, Globe 1994)
          [ Do they allow wearing 'traditional' underwear on the
          outside? ]

   - Madonna ... Establishing herself as a real "star" and as a
     dramatic actress in the upcoming blockbuster "Evita", she'll
     even win an Oscar.
                    (Anthony Carr, 1996)
          [ She didn't... ]

   - Volcanic eruptions in August [of 1995] will create a new
     land mass joining Cuba with America.
                    (Weekly World News 1995)

   - Office workers flee from the Sears Tower in Chicago after it
     begins to lean like the Tower of Pisa. 
                    (Maria Graciette, Enquirer).

   - Peter Jennings (of ABC News in the US) will do the evening
     news from orbit aboard the Space Shuttle. 
                    (National Enquirer 1995)

   - "Scientists will discover a beneficial virus that can turn
     ordinary rocks into a protein-rich food."
                    (National Enquirer 1995)
          [ "Pass the quartz, would you dear?" ]

   - "A meteor the size of a Buick will strike a used car
     dealership in Las Vegas. No one will be injured in the
     crash, but the crater will open up a vast underground
     reservoir of drinking water, solving the desert town's water
                    (National Examiner 1995)

   - Conservative Republican commentator Rush Limbaugh will "lose
     his fortune and become destitute. Forced on welfare, Rush
     will become a Democrat."
                    (National Examiner 1995)

   - The Republicans, choose Rush Limbaugh as in the '96
     presidential race.  He picks [Former singer/actor] Sonny
     Bono to be his Vice President.
                    (Marva Konstanov, Sun, December 5, 1995)
          [ I suppose that was before he became a Democrat.
          Listen - you folks want to talk this over before we go
          on? ]


   - "Frog legs will become the rage in fast-food restaurants."
                    (Weekly World News 1995)
          [ McFrog? McLegs? McHoppers? Nah, it'd never work... ]

   - "80 percent of Americans will totally shave their heads."
                    (Weekly World News 1995)

   - George Bush will be re-elected in a landslide.
                    ( Jeanne Dixon, October 1992)

   - "Mr. Clinton is a one-term President." 
                    (Astrologer Richard Nolle's 1996 US
                    Presidential Election Prediction)

   - A major political/athletic figure will be assassinated at
     1996 Summer Olympics.
                    (Anthony Carr, 1996)

   - [In 1996] The Irish will be coming into their own,
     generally. Everyone will want to think, dress, and act
                    (Anthony Carr, 1995)
          [ Sure, just ask my friend, Yukari O'Kawabata. ]

   - "Astronomers using a special film and the Huble [sic] Space
     Telescope capture photos of angels a million miles tall
     playing catch among the stars."
               (Mary Ellen Jones, Sun, December 5, 1995)
          [ For one thing, the Hubble Space Telescope doesn't use
          film. ]

   - UFO sightings will increase [this year] and pictures of
     alien space crafts [sic] will be broadcast LIVE on national
                    (Gordon-Michael Scallion, EARTH CHANGE
                    REPORTS, January, 1995)

   - Astronauts will contact aliens while in space shortly after
     Labor Day. [September 1996] 
                    (Dr. Andre Poule, Sun, April 25, 1995)

   - In late September [1996], a radio telescope "that covers
     half the Nevada desert" discovers intelligent life on a
     planet "circling a small star only seven light years from
                    (Marva Konstanov, Sun, December 5, 1995)
          [ Half the Nevada desert??  Nevada is almost all
          desert.  That's one BIG telescope! ]

   - Thanks in part to the eruption of twelve volcanoes
     worldwide, volcanic ash fall-out will encompass the entire
     planet in 1995-1997 with a minimum of 30% coverage.
                    (Gordon-Michael Scallion, EARTH CHANGE
                    REPORTS, January, 1995)
          [ Does this mean we can leave the sun block home? ]

   - The secrets of spiritual healing will be discovered in
     October, making doctors obsolete.
                    (Dr. Andre Poule, Sun, April 25, 1995)

   - Pope John Paul II will decree that married couples can only
     have sex on the first Friday of each month. 
                    (Maria Graciette, Enquirer 1994)
          [ Even during lent? ]

   - An American astronaut will give birth to a baby girl during
     a six-month mission on Mir.
                    (Marva Konstanov, Sun, December 5, 1995)
          [ Got it - on a Friday, right? ]

   - Lance Ito [ the judge in the O. J. Simpson trial] is named
     new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court." 
                    (Marva Konstanov, Sun, December 5, 1995)
          [ Well, if you say so... ]

   - Bob Hope and George Burns "announce" a world tour.
                    (Helena Montapoulous, Sun, December 5, 1995)
          [ Since George Burns died in 1996, it probably wouldn't
          be much of a tour. ]

   - Legendary actress June Allyson makes appearance, along with
     James Stewart, in special anniversary special commemorating
     mysterious disappearance of revered 1940's band leader Glen
                    (Anthony Carr, 1996)
          [ Actor James Stewart died this week at his home in Los
          Angeles. ]

   - This will be a very cold winter across the country, but not
     as wet as last year, more moderate. 
                    (Sylvia Browne, October 19, 1996)
          [Parts of the upper Midwest had severe flooding due to
          record setting snowfalls].

   - "INDIANA: Will indefinitely suspend "Indianapolis-500" race;
     closure of naval academy, which is to be moved. ...
     Humongous homosexual scandal -- from the most senior
     officers down to the lowest plebs." 
                    (Anthony Carr, 1996)
          [ Oops!  The ONLY U.S. Naval Academy is in Annapolis,
          Maryland, not in Indiana. It's been there for about 200
          years.  The Indianapolis 500 Race was run again this
          year, too. ]

   - "NORTH, SOUTH AND WEST VIRGINIA: Racist pro-white,
     anti-Negro, anti-Jewish, discriminatory Nazi Group of white
     supremists [sic] desperately trying to bring about race of
     blue-eyed fair-haired generation of children; mistake brings
     about race of Albinos!"
                    (Anthony Carr, 1996)

          [ Excuse me again there, Tony... There is a 'State of
          West Virginia' and a 'Commonwealth of Virginia' in the
          US, No North, no South.  Better get your spirit guide a
          better map, eh? ]

   - Telephone for the deaf?  Voice of caller is translated to
     printed word over small screen for hearing impaired.
                    (Anthony Carr, 1996)
          [ What a _Wonderful_ Prediction!  TDD/TTY service for
          the deaf, including translation to voice, has been
          available for about 30 years now.  Human operators did
          the translation to voice until recently, but automatic
          translation has been coming on line in recent years. I
          guess Tony never heard of it. If psychics start
          predicting the past, they'll have to give up and become
          politicians. ]



     If you predict a given thing enough times and enough
different ways, you're sure to get lucky...

   - "A guilty verdict or hung jury will keep O. J. Simpson in
     jail through most of this year."
                    (Jeanne Dixon, National Star, January 17,

   - "I don't see [O. J. Simpson] walking away a free man until
     an appeal."
                    (Jeanne Dixon, National Star, April 25, 1995)

   - "A stunning outcome to the O. J. Simpson trial will bring a
     result no one predicted. I can see that O.J. will walk."
                    (Jeanne Dixon, National Star, July 25, 1995)

   - "O.J. will be released from jail, but there will be a second
     trial and he will be incarcerated at least one more year."
                    (Jeanne Dixon, National Star, October 10,
                    1995 - After he was released from jail, by
                    the way.  U.S. law does not allow for a
                    second criminal trial on the same murder

     ------- See!  She WAS right.

SPECIAL NOTE TO THE SUNDAY FUNNIES REGULARS: ************************************************************** Check Back Next Week for a special announcement concerning this edition of the Sunday Funnies... --:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1997 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.