Viva La Difference

On Man & Woman

Greetings to all you men and women out there (you know who you
are):
     This week I am assisting Bill in compiling and editing the
Sunday Funnies. Like many other projects around the house, he is
more interested in the process than in the final product. I like
to get the job done and move on with my life. Alas, the wonderful
and quirky differences between men and women!
     Many thanks and kudos to Howard Lesniak, Peter Adler, Dale
Frederickson, and Jason Long for their contributions. Since this
list is markedly lacking in women's names, I can only assume that
you ladies are doing the laundry, carpooling, and making dinner.
Behind every good computer nerd. . .
     Have a great week!
               Carol (the wife) Becwar  8-)


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   The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss
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   I did not kill my lovely wife.
   I did not slash her with a knife.
   I did not bonk her on the head.
   I did not know that she was dead.

   My friend, he took me for a ride.
   All through LA, from side to side.
   From north to south, we took a ride.
   But from the cops we could not hide.

   My trial lasted for a year.
   A year! A year! Just sitting here!
   The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
   The circus-hype the viewers saw!

   The glove you see it doesn't fit
   The lawyer says you must acquit
   Acquit because the cops all lied
   Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried

   That jury went and set me free
   Free!  Free!  But I could not flee.
   Another kind of case was started
   From my money to be parted.

   I did not do it with a knife.
   I did not, could not, kill my wife.
   I did not do this awful crime.
   I could not, would not, anytime.

   I do not care what's in the news
   I do not own that kind of shoes
   Even though there seems to be
   A thousand pictures showing me
   Wearing shoes just like those
   It only added to my woes.

   The jury's back. What's that they say?
   I have to pay and pay and pay.
   My lawyer thinks it's really funny
   'Cause I already spent the money.

   And now I'm free, I can return
   To my house for which I yearn.
   And to my family whom I love.
   Now would you please return my glove!!

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                             The Big Difference

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NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

     Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have
proof!  After countless hours of surveys and studies on the
following topics, these facts have emerged.

Relationships:
          First of all, a man does not call a relationship a
     relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and
     Suzie were going out on a semi-regular basis".
          When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
     heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
     titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her
     life.
          A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
     after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
     will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
     my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
     you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
     always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You /
     I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
     made at least once.  There are community colleges that offer
     courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
     rarely prove effective.

Maturity:
          Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old
     females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are
     still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies
     after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
     work out.

Magazines:
          Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
     Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This
     is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while
     the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by
     the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked
     woman's body.  Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
          To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
     They just scratch like chickens.  Women use scented, colored
     stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. 
     Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".
     It is a difficult to read a note from a woman.  Even when
     she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of
     the note.

Comedy:
          Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
     watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges
     comes on.  Immediately, the men will get very excited; they
     will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions
     of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.  The women will roll their
     eyes and groan and wait for it to end. 

Bathrooms:
          A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
     toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a
     towel stolen from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items
     in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be
     able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:
          A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
     to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the
     only items left in his fridge are half a lime and an opened
     bottle of beer.  Then he goes grocery shopping.  He buys
     everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the
     checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the clown
     car at the circus.  Of course, this will not stop him from
     going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
          When preparing for work, a woman will put on Reebok
     sneakers.  She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. 
     When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. 
     Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet
     are under the desk.  A man will wear the same pair of shoes
     all day.  For that matter, he may only OWN one pair of
     shoes.

Offspring:
          Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. 
     She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and
     romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret
     fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some
     short people living in the house.

Low Blows:
          Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match
     on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman
     says "Oh, gee.  That must have hurt."  The man groans and
     doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

David Letterman:
          Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the
     face of the Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy
     who always has a bad haircut.  Women are probably right.

Laundry:
          Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
     every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
     pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
     his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear
     a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul truck and take
     his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. 

Bathroom:
          Women go to the bathroom as a group.  Men never do
     this.  Maybe that's why there are always longer lines for
     the ladies room. 

Socks:
          Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white or
     black sweatsocks.  Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are
     cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on
     them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Eating out:
          When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
     each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. 
     None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
     actually admit they want change back.
          When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
     calculators.

Menopause:
          When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
     variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and
     biological changes.  The nature and degree of these changes
     varies with the individual.
          Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he
     buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
     driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Directions:
          If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
     unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and
     ask for directions.  Men consider this to be a sign of
     weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for directions.  Men
     will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
     things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get     
     there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood.  I
     recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes:
          Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last
     man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.    
     But he only admitted his mistake after it became clear that
     no one would survive the battle to tell about it.

Richard Gere:
          Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a
     dangerous way.  Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds
     them of that slick guy who works at the health club and
     dates only married women.

Madonna:
     Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

Toys:
          Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they
     reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never
     grow out of their obsession with toys.  As they get older,
     their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
     impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature     
     TV's.  Car phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders.
     Graphic equalizers.  Small robots that serve cocktails on
     command.  Video games.  Anything that blinks, beeps, and
     requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
          A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
     vacation.  The man waters the plants.  The woman comes home
     five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.
     No one knows why this happens.

Cameras:
          Men take photography very seriously. They will spend
     $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms
     and take photography classes.  Women purchase simple and
     inexpensive cameras.  Of course women always end up taking
     better pictures.

Locker Rooms:
          In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
     football, and women.  They exaggerate about money, they
     don't know football nearly as well as they think they do,
     and they fabricate stories about women.
          Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- men.
     And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely
     graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Garages:
          Women use garages to park their cars and store their
     lawnmowers.  Men use garages for many things.  They hang
     license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and
     they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
          Women like movies about relationships.  So do men.  The
     difference is in how the relationships progress.  In women's
     movies, the relationship grows and progresses and suffers. 
     In men's movies, the relationship is about being pals while
     running around shooting and blowing up things.

Jewelry:
          Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get
     away with wearing one ring.  Any more than that and he will
     look like a lounge singer named Vic.

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