Navigation & Music Control
 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #320 - 09/29/2002

IT'S A CRIME! (Part 2)

Stupid Criminals Ride Again

Hello Again, SUNFUN Fans,
     I'm sure there are those of you who believe that all these
stories are invented in idle moments by bored reporters, or even
made up by me.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Well,
some things could be further from the truth, but there's no sense
bringing politics into this.
     For those of you who have doubted the truthfulness of some
of these goofy stories, I have to pass along that I recently
talked with a subject of one of these tales from 1996, who now
freely admits that what he did back then was on the near side of
dumb.  His was a minor mistake way back then, and it does serve
to illustrate just how far this SUNFUN thing has progressed over
the last seven years...  Nowadays, his story wouldn't even make
the final cut, as there are so many far dumber, far more serious
crimes going down all the time.  
     In the ranks of these minor-key crooks, there appear to be
very few professionals.  So many of these stories involve folks
who have managed to convince themselves that they deserve more
than a fair bite and come up with a plan to get rich quick.  "It
seemed like a good idea at the time" is not much of a legal
defense, so vast numbers of these folks end up in places with
high walls and striped sunlight.
     That said, a good many of us have done things that, if not
actually criminal, we now remember with some embarrassment.  As
dizzy as these tales may be, there is often a nagging feeling
that, in the wrong time and place, we could be the poor slob
protagonist rather than a member of the audience elite.
     It probably helps to explain that many of these cases of
misconduct involve a certain amount of drinking.  That propensity
for seriously blurred judgement is another reason for the
popularity of these stories.  As Mark Twain said, "It is far
easier to appreciate the embarrassment of others."  Actually, I'm
not sure Twain said that, but I remember someone did.  If that
isn't a proper enough reference for you, I just said it, which
ought to be good enough after all these years.
     Thanks again this week to all of the folks who make this
crazy thing possible, especially:  Tim McChain, Jerry Taff, Dan &
Barb Butler, Jan Michalski, Susan Will, Mike & R.J. Tully, Jack &
Sherrie Gervais, Charles Beckman, Caterina Sukup, Bernie & Donna
Becwar, Brian Siegl and Carol J. Becwar.  Remember, the stories
you are about to hear are true, the names may have been changed
to protect the guilty.
     Have Another Crime-Free Week,

--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

BEER AND A CHASER
-----------------
     Driving after drinking is never a great idea.
     That's especially true if you are being chased by police.
     A 58-year-old man in Janesville, Wisconsin didn't see any
problem with his drinking and driving, and attempted to flee last
July when police gave chase.  Unfortunately for him, Charles
Tucsel's attempt at flight had two major problems: one was that
his impaired condition had him swerving dangerously all over the
road.  The second was that he was driving a John Deere front end
loader with a top speed of about 20 MPH (just over 30km/hr).
     After a 29-minute low-speed chase, involving numerous
accidents, the pursuit ended when Tucsel was cornered in a church
parking lot, where he got out of the cab and said he couldn't be
arrested because he was seeking sanctuary.  That was wrong.  As
officers handcuffed him, Tucsel told police he didn't think he
could be arrested for drunken driving while operating a front-end
loader.  And that was wrong, too.  (Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

TECHNICAL VIOLATION...
-------------------
     It was the shoplifter's usual modus operandi for Australian
crook Norman Parker.  Nothing fancy in this crime.
     No-gooder Norman simply found a sweater he coveted and took
the merchandise to a fitting room to have a little criminal
privacy.  There he applied a few small tools and popped off the
plastic security tag designed to set off the store's door alarms
if anyone tries to leave without paying.  Parker then stashed the
sweater under his jacket and casually sauntered out past the cash
registers for the getaway part of his plan.
     This did not go as well as he'd wished, and no one was more
surprised than Norman when the alarm bells clanged and store
security tackled him as he tried for the exit.
     Perhaps putting the security tag in his pants pocket after
removing it from the sweater was not the best idea he'd ever had. 
He's under arrest, of course.


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

GOT TRUCK?
---------
     You never know just what will attract a stupid criminal - 
greed, envy, power, memories of childhood...
     Take truck thief Peter Warren of Albuquerque, New Mexico,
who, police say, stole a Creamland Dairies milk truck for a
joyride and assorted mayhem.  Quickly spotted by a Creamland
sales manager, the errant felon then stopped at a gas station
where he demanded, "Give me $3 or I'm blowing this place up."
     Jumping back in the milk truck, he led police on another
short chase before being arrested in his way-too-obvious vehicle.
     Warren, 26, faces charges of receiving and transferring a
stolen vehicle, hit-and-run, assorted traffic offenses,
aggravated assault on a police officer and criminal damage.  (AP)
          [ So, is hit and run with a milk truck
          considered a mooving violation? ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

AS SEEN ON TV...
-------------
     The cops in Layton, Utah figure getting a conviction against
burglar Arthur Kenerly will be pretty easy.  After all, they have
an excellent witness: Arthur Kenerly.
     Suspected of parole violations, the cops raided Kenerly's
residence and searched his pad.  Among the discoveries, a 70-
minute videotape of the 19-year-old Kenerly standing in a roomful
of loot and bragging about his crimes, which he described in
considerable detail.  The tape also showed Kenerly having
relations with under-aged girls, according to Layton police
detective Ty Berger.
     Other law enforcement agencies are viewing the tape for
further evidence of unsolved crimes.
     Kenerly's residence was searched after he was taken into
custody last week following a car chase and wreck in Syracuse,
Utah.  The parolee wasn't driving, but he was held for unlawful
possession of a firearm - a BB gun.  With his record, that alone
was enough to pull his get out of jail free card.
     Kenerly went to Davis County Jail on numerous felony charges
including aggravated assault, possession of stolen goods and
sexual misconduct with a minor.  (AP)
          [ Kind of gives "reality TV" a new slant,
          doesn't it? ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

WHEN COOLER HEADS DON'T PREVAIL
-------------------------------
     Keeping a cool head in the commission of a crime is one
thing, but this goes a little too far.  In the category of
dumbest idea for a disguise, our newest entry is Mitchell Pavlon
of Augusta, Georgia.  In attempting to rob the Circle-K Store in
that city, Pavlon started a whole new category of wrong-headed
disguises.
     Witnesses say they were instantly suspicious when the saw a
man enter the store wearing a white styrofoam cooler on his head. 
He immediately walked up to the clerk and demanded something,
which she didn't understand because of the plastic cooler over
his head.
     Pavlon shoved his way behind the counter, then said
something that witnesses think was "Everyone get your hands up!"
and produced a gun.  Realizing that the robber's vision was
extremely limited by his plastic box disguise, one witness
grabbed the gun away from Pavlon and pushed him out the front
door.  The plastic-headed felon took off in his white Honda and
was apprehended within minutes by the Columbia County Sheriff's
Department.
          [ The small plastic cooler is just a warmup
          for the somewhat larger cooler he'll be in
          soon. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

POOR SENSE OF DIRECTION AWARD
-----------------------------
     Most crooks have a life goal of staying out of court as much
as possible, which makes Chris Nalls crime even harder to
comprehend.  Nalls broke into the Randolph County Courthouse in
Muncie, Indiana late last year, stealing a small amount of money
from a receptionist's desk.  Quickly spotted, he dodged into a
janitor's closet, until the unwitting janitor opened the door and
spotted him.  Bolting past the startled maintenance man, Nalls
dodged across the street and ran into an open door.  That
building being the county jail, Nalls did not again emerge until
his trial, and can expect a lengthy stay with that as his new
address.


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

HAD ENOUGH...
----------
     In traditional Arab societies, men get away with a lot.
     This probably explains why three men in Zarqa, Jordan, a
short distance north of the capital of Amman, got away with
harassing women in the shopping area of the city with obscene
gestures and comments for so long.
     One day, though, they picked on the wrong woman.  Or maybe,
the right woman.
     Quoting a well-known Egyptian song that states, "Patience
has its limits," the woman quickly doffed her long black cloak
revealing a traditional black dress underneath, then proceeded to
mop the floor with her harassers.  The three toughs were too
shocked to react at first and ended up knocked to the ground,
screaming in pain as she punched and kicked them into submission. 
The unidentified woman showed what witnesses described as
advanced martial arts training.  The men then scrambled up and
fled as onlookers applauded the woman and cheered her on.
     The Petra news agency quoted witnesses as saying the three
men had regularly directed obscenities at women as they walk in
the area.
     But maybe, not anymore.  (AP)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

LEGGING IT...
----------
     Running away is an important part of many crimes, especially
your basic snatch-and-run crimes.  Early this year, a smal-time
crook walked into an auto parts store in Kansas City, Missouri
and yanked $50 away from a startled clerk while the cash register
was open.
     As the bad guy ran toward the door, a mechanic tackled him,
getting a good hold of the crook's left leg.  Then it was the
mechanic's turn to be startled, as the entire leg came off, along
with the felon's pants.  The one-legged bandit quickly hopped
into a getaway car in his boxer shorts.  Store employees were, by
this time, laughing too hard to give chase.  Police took the leg
into custody and don't expect much difficulty in tracking down
the rest of the crook.


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

AN EXERCISE IN INSURANCE SCAMMING...
---------------------------------
     Note for insurance scam artists from the Moron Felon
Handbook:  when you illegitimately claim to be disabled, you'd
better look and act disabled.
     Norma DeRango of Santa Ana, California, was tapped on
insurance fraud charges after investigators discovered that she
wasn't nearly so injured as she claimed.  DeRango had alleged
that she hurt her left hip, knee and back in a fall in April of
1998.  She had received thousands of dollars in compensation
because the injuries left her unable to work, after being treated
by a doctor and put on disability.
     Unfortunately for Norma, the fall wasn't the only slip she
made.  At her trial, state investigators played a tape of DeRango
spending her free time performing in a "Jazzercise" class.  She
pled guilty after the jury caught her aerobics routine, and was
sentenced to jail and restitution.  (AP)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

MAY BE HABIT FORMING...
--------------------
     Even the dimmest of dumb detectives can eventually catch a
crook who repeats the same pattern over and over.  So it's no
surprise that police in Mexico City eventually caught up with the
sweet-toothed crook who stole a chocolate cake from the 'Azteca
Pastry Shop' at knifepoint.
     Why, his minor crime worked so well, and he liked the cake
so much, that he even came back at exactly the same time the next
morning and did it again.  And the two days after that, too.
     Eventually convinced that there might be a pattern here,
police were waiting at exactly 8 AM on morning number five.
     "He arrived at the pastry shop armed with a knife and again
demanded his cake from the employee, but when he tried to escape
he was arrested by the police," Mexico City's police department
said in a statement.
     It said the thief, identified as Evan Prado, and the
chocolate cake were then both handed over to judicial
authorities.  (Reuters)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

A BAD CAREER MOVE
-----------------
     Terrance Jerald Hegman, a 20-year-old miscreant from Los
Angeles, is what one might term a car jacker in need of career
development advice.
     After pummelling a woman and successfully stealing her
Nissan, Hegman was apparently looking to trade up when he spotted
several young tourists at a gas station, fueling their rented
minivan.  He grabbed one of the college-age kids in trying to
steal the van and immediately things started to go wrong. 
Mysteriously, before he really realized what was happening,
Hegman found himself disarmed, in great pain and on the ground.
     In what has to be a carjacker's worst nightmare, Terrance
discovered the hard way that he had tangled with a touring co-ed
judo team from Florida International University of Miami, who
were visiting LA to teach a self-defense course.
     And they put their professional expertise to good use;
police arrived to find Hegman expertly pinned and in less-than-
perfect operating condition.  When we last checked, he was still
in jail with bail set at $1.2 million.  (Reuters)
          [ He faces 5-10 years in prison and 20-30
          years at a chiropractor. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

HOT CASH...
--------
     Sometime, these stories may or may not be criminal.  On this
one, we'll just have to wait to see how it comes out.  It helps
that it involves a dumb move, criminal or not.
     Firefighters were called to a minor kitchen fire in an
apartment building in Mount Vernon, New York last May.  The
problem turned out to be a small oven fire.  What was surprising
was just what was ablaze.
     "We found out it was U.S. currency that was burning," said
Fire Chief Ed Bruno.  "A lot of it."
     A man had apparently hidden the $20,000 bundle of small
bills in his girlfriend's oven, where the gas pilot light
eventually made the cash into kindling.  Though the blaze was
quickly extinguished, police were only able to recover $10,780 of
the greenback gratin.
     "We are trying to determine if there is a criminal element
to this," said police detective Capt. Robert Kelly.  (AP)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

FAILING A CLEAN GETAWAY...
-----------------------
     The getaway was almost clean for now-convicted robber Jacob
Smith, 26, of Queensland, Australia, whose crime was sticking up
a betting shop.
     Naturally, these all-cash targets are a magnet for crime,
and they take every precaution by having the best of high-tech
security cameras.  Even so, Smith, who apparently committed the
crime while wrapped in a bed sheet, might have avoided
identification had he not made the smallest of inconsequential
errors: on the way out the door, he accidentally stepped in some
dog doo on the sidewalk.
     With nothing else to go on, the cops used the enhanced video
view to match Smith's shoes to the pattern in the poop pile,
showing conclusively that the fleeing felon left his distinctive
mark at the scene.  This allowed the police to determine that
only Smith's shoes exactly matched the photo evidence.
     "It's not rocket science.  It's as plain as poo on your
shoe," police sergeant Alan Piper, a veteran scientific officer,
told the local media.
     With the dog droppings as evidence, it was the defence that
found itself in deep doo-doo.  A jury thought so, too, and put
Smith in the can for 10 years and 10 months on charges of
robbery, being armed and in company and unlawful use of a motor
vehicle.  (Reuters)
          [ It is not yet known if Officer Piper will
          describe this event in his memoirs as his
          crappiest case ever. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.