Greetings Fellow Newshounds,
The crazy thing about life is that you rarely appreciate
just how much stuff is going on without you noticing it. I was
tied up on a computer project tonight, for example, and hadn't
heard a thing about the huge fire just a few miles up the highway
in Lomira that destroyed a ten-story printing plant. Just shows
you how easy it is to be unaware. And how dangerous. After all
it's never the problem you see coming that really gets you.
Now, all of this may seem like a pretty odd way of getting
around to this week's topic, but stay with me here. Don't worry,
I'll figure a way out of this temporary loss of direction before
we need a compass and native guide to find the topic. After all,
I've been doing this for... Okay, unaware...
This week we feature folks whose view is just a little
different, and while it may seem like some of them are unaware of
the effect they are having, I leave it to you to judge if they
meant it or not.
See, told you we'd get back to it. Practically wrestled it
to the ground. The best thing about these stories is they are
far better than imagination alone could ever produce. It's a
darned good thing these stories are real - you'd never believe
them otherwise. Some of them are a stretch anyway.
Some folks we believe in are our trustworthy friends and
contributors, especially: Nnamdi Elleh & Ann, Jerry Taff, Bruce
Gonzo, Bernie & Donna Becwar, Arlen Walker, Tim McChain, Susan
Will, Nancy Wohlge, R.J. Tully, Jan Michalski, Jon "Beamo"
Beamson, Charles Beckman and Kathleen Beckmann. I get the
question sometimes, "Where do you come up with all this stuff?"
It isn't that hard. To quote Will Rodgers, ""all I know is what
I read in the papers." And it's still true: there's more funny
stuff one truthful tale than a dozen made up stories.
Have A Great Week,
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ALL YOU NEED IS CASH...
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World peace? That's easy, just arrange for the check.
That's the message last week from ex-Beatles guru Maharishi
Mahesh Yogi said that he could kill world terrorism with love.
The price? $1 billion - pretty shocking for those of you
who still thought that "Money can't buy me love".
Maharishi said that with $1 billion he could train 40,000
expert meditators, or "Vedic Pandits", who would generate enough
good vibes to save the world. His press office said $85 million
toward that goal had already been raised. With that amount, you
could probably generate good vibes just by sending out for ice
cream for, say, Bosnia.
The guru has largely shunned the public eye for the last 20
years, but is now determined to drum up support for his concept
of "Natural Law -- the Constitution of the Universe."
"I am setting up groups of knowers of this total knowledge
of natural law, here, there and everywhere, particularly large
groups in India, which is the seed for total knowledge of natural
law," Maharishi said. (Reuters)
[ For a billion bucks, I'll bet even Jessie Helms could
bring about world peace. ]
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THE ARF-UL TRUTH...
----------------
After their marriage went to the dogs, Anthony DeSanctis
worked out a detailed divorce agreement with Lynda Hurley
Pritchard two years ago that dealt mostly with the future of
Barney, a dog Pritchard had gotten from an animal shelter two
months before the couple separated in 1996.
The agreement specified that DeSanctis was to have
visitation rights with the pooch, an arrangement that lasted
until Pritchard moved to another county further away. DeSanctis
went to court to continue to see his ex-dog, naturally.
Maybe it's a doggone shame, but the Pennsylvania Superior
Court ruled last week that it isn't right to treat a dog the same
as a child.
"Despite the status owners bestow on their pets,
Pennsylvania law considers dogs to be personal property," Justice
Frank J. Montemuro wrote.
That's not to say Pritchard came out as top dog, though;
DeSanctis could still sue for breech of contract. That way,
however, he'd only be able to collect up to the value of the dog.
(AP)
[ We'll have more on the shaggy dog story as it becomes
available... ]
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ANOTHER POLITICAL DOGFIGHT...
--------------------------
You could say that the latest of the six candidates
challenging Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris in her
bid for Congress is truly an underdog.
And you'd be right, regardless of what the polls might show
because the write-in candidate is Percy, a border collie mix.
Owner and campaign manager, Wayne Genthner is offering up
his canine candidate as both satire and as a protest against the
political establishment. Percy's campaign volunteers have been
busy handing out brochures with the campaign slogans: "Never made
a mess in the House! Never will!" and "PERCY! Putting the LICK
back into Republican." But even his supporters know that the
four-footed candidate has a lot of paws to shake if he's going to
catch front-runner Harris.
Still, Percy is ready to serve if the people vote his way;
his official campaign bio describes Percy as a compassionate
conservative who takes a hard-line with social parasites,
particularly fleas and worms. His past is free of sex scandals,
due to "timely neutering." (AP)
[ Hmm... Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea for a
few other politicians we could name. ]
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THE OLD BALL GAME...
-----------------
In a promotion without a shred of mercy toward accountants,
the Portland (Oregon) Beavers, the Triple-A affiliate of the San
Diego Padres, announced their latest promotion: "Arthur Andersen
Appreciation Night", poking fun at the beleaguered accounting
firm.
At the July 18 home game against Edmonton, anyone named
"Arthur" or "Andersen" will receive free admission. And the
first person named "Arthur Andersen" will get a gift package that
includes a party in a luxury suite for up to 80 friends.
It may well be the only time this season - or any season -
that fans are allowed to shred their own documents at the ball
park. Fans are encouraged to bring old documents to be destroyed
at several "shredding stations" throughout the stadium.
The team needs the promotion to succeed, as they are in
serious financial trouble, having lost $8 million in the club's
first season last year. Worth noting that the Portland team
plays at PGE Park, named for Portland General Electric, a utility
owned by -- Enron.
Meanwhile, the Charleston, South Carolina Riverdogs lost 4-2
to the Columbus RedStixx on Monday night as the Class A Tampa Bay
Devil Rays affiliate played a game at which there was record
attendance. But not a record high.
Not one paying fan was there.
This was intentional, however, as the team's management kept
the games locked until an official game was declared, after the
fifth inning. This was "Nobody Night", a promotion designed to
set the record for professional baseball's lowest attendance.
Only media, scouts and employees were allowed into the game.
Fans were turned away and sent just outside the ballpark to a
party offering discounted food and beer.
There's some dispute about the prior record for actual
lowest attendance. But radio play-by-play announcer Jim Lucas
said the record is the 12 people who braved a rainstorm to see
Chicago defeat Troy on Sept. 17, 1881. Regardless of the former
record, it would be hard to beat zero.
The slightly strange promotion was the brainchild of Mike
Veeck, son of the legendary baseball promoter Bill Veeck, who
once had midget Eddie Gaedel bat cleanup for the St. Louis Browns
wearing the number "1/8". (Say what you will, Gaedel remains the
best - and only - height-challenged person to play in the majors,
as his 1 1/2" (2 cm) strike zone put the opposing pitchers in an
absolute tizzy.)
Veeck the younger is just as reknowned for his wacky
promotions. His "Vasectomy Night" was canceled hours after its
announcement, but events like "Tonya Harding Bat Night" and
"Marriage Counseling Night" have gone on. He was also behind the
notorious "Disco Demolition Night" in 1979. In that promotion,
fans were invited to burn disco records in the outfield of
Chicago's Comiskey Park and a riot nearly ensured. Things got so
out of hand that the White Sox were forced to forfeit the second
game of the doubleheader.
Nothing so spectacular happened this time, though the
players were clearly spooked by the cemetery-quiet stadium, where
the only sound was the beer and peanut vendors chatting quietly
among themselves.
About 1,800 fans were allowed in once the game was declared
official. (AP)
[ That empty stadium trick is something our local home
team - the Milwaukee Brewers - have been working toward
for at least a decade. ]
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ANOTHER REJECTED STORY...
----------------------
Sometimes, it is just a word that sets people off.
For Paul Gordon-Saker, a partner in the London law firm
Stephenson Harwood, the word is "declined."
That's the word that came back when Gordon-Saker tried to
buy a 380 pound ($580) dress for his wife at an exclusive store.
The London lawyer says he was publicly humiliated when Diners'
Club refused to authorize a credit card purchase of a dress is
suing the company for libel.
He says it branded him as a person whose financial standing
was "unsound" and to whom credit should not be given. Being a
lawyer, he has, of course, sued the plastic issuer for
unspecified damages.
A Diners Club spokesman said the company had no comment.
(Reuters)
[ So, how long have you been so sensitive to
rejection... ]
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THE FASHION POLICE IN ACTION
----------------------------
Christopher J. Antus was arrested last Monday during a
routine traffic stop. That in itself is unremarkable, but the
way Antus' choice of clothing figures into the story is pretty
bizzare.
Antus was wearing a bright orange shirt that said:
"Fugitive. You never saw me."
So, state police Trooper Jerrod Patty, who had stopped Antus
checked.
Always believe the shirt: Antus, 24, was wanted on a warrant
charging him with failure to appear in court, a felony in
northern Indiana's Marshall County.
He's in jail, where his bright orange shirt fits right in.
(AP)
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BUTT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS...
---------------------
Palm reading? Bumps on the head? Tea leaves? Nope, none
of these are anything like reliable according the blind German
clairvoyant Ulf Buck, who says that he has developed a really
accurate way to reveal people's characters and destinies. The
39-year-old psychic claimed last week that he can read people's
futures by feeling their naked buttocks. His interest, you might
say, is in helping people put their problems behind them.
"The bottom is much more intense - it has a much stronger
power of expression than the hand in my experience," Buck said.
"It goes on developing throughout your life."
By running his fingers along a number of lines on the
surface of a client's posterior, he says he can get to the bottom
of their future monetary success, family life, health and
happiness.
Buck says lines representing success, career and artistic
ability extend inwards from the outer extremities of the
buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outwards. One
wonders idly just what kind of chairs the folks have been sitting
on in his waiting room.
Buck, who lives in the north German village of Meldorf,
northwest of Hamburg, says all types come to him to have their
bottoms read. He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least
because it means customers do not risk having their identities
revealed.
And if you believe that, you definitely haven't been around
many blind people, but Buck is quite fundamentally certain that
his analysis of the human backside is of great assistance in
helping people understand their characters.
"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is
charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A
person who enjoys life," he said. "A pear-shaped bottom suggests
someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth." (Reuters)
[ Of course, decoding derrieres is unlikely to prove
very accurate in the long run; it's hard to tell the
future when you're that far behind the curve. ]
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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