THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS!

All The News That Fits, We Print!

Hello Again Funnies Fans,
     Every so often it's fun to just kick back and do only those
stories that came in during the week, without worrying about a
topic or how one story affects another.  It's especially fun when
you have a week like this one, when so much has happened.
     The Arthur Anderson folks were indicted on charges of
destroying evidence in the Enron debacle.  The company's defense
team said that the Anderson company was unaware of the subpoenas
for the Enron documents at the time.  Of course.  They probably
shredded them.
     If we were doing an idiot of the week award this time, the
US Immigration and Naturalization Service would be a shoo-in to
win.  This is the week the INS finally sent confirmation
paperwork approving the student visas of Mohamed Atta and Marwan
Al-Shehhi.  Atta and Al-Shehhi are, of course, two of the
hijackers of 9-11.  Having the paperwork arrive on March 11th -
the six-month anniversary of the attacks - was not exactly a
genius political move on the part of the INS, either.  But
certainly not surprising to anyone who has ever had to deal with
that government department which often goes out of its way to be
idiotically bureaucratic.  Adding to the foolishness was that
Atta's name was misspelled "Mohomed" on the visa.  They have now
taken steps to prevent any similar problems in the future, they
claim.  Which probably means it will be just about impossible for
boxer Muhammad Ali to leave town any time soon.
     This was also the week that age 54 was declared as already
dead by the fine folks that own ABC, the Walt Disney Company. 
The execs of that TV network have been desperately trying to lure
David Letterman, ever glib star of the talk show "Late Night" on
CBS, to their network.  The ABC honchos even said they'd dump the
long-running news show "Nightline" if Letterman would make the
switch.  Though Nightline gets about the same rating numbers on
that network as the Letterman show, the Nightline audience is
older.  Without any supporting studies, advertisers have long
claimed that older folks, though they spend about twice as much
as the 18-25 crowd, are a less desirable audience because they
are less likely to change brands.  That's almost certainly wrong. 
I can tell you that I'm certainly going to be making a few brand
changes, by buying nothing from advertisers who think that way.
     By no means unwanted in this market, no matter how old or
young, Special SUNFUN Thanks go out this week to: Nnamdi Elleh,
Helen Yee, Jerry Taff, R.J. Tully, Kenn Venit, Susan Will, Tim
McChain, Kerry Miller, Carol Becwar, Jan Michalski, Bruce Gonzo,
Mike Fagan and Peter J. Adler.  It is Sunday, after all, so hope
you have the chance to sit back and enjoy it in order to get the
week off to a nice start.  Those of you reading this at work
Monday morning had better watch that stuff, though.  Don't get in
trouble on my account.
     Have A Great Week,


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

GUMMING UP THE WORKS...
--------------------
     Remember all those teachers who had fits when they found
students chewing gum in class?  Well, thanks to a recent study by
the University of Northumbria and the Cognitive Research Unit of
Reading, England, students now have the perfect excuse: chewing
gum makes you smarter.
     The joint study found that gum chewing has a positive effect
on cognitive tasks such as thinking and memory.
     "The results were extremely clear and specifically we found
that chewing gum targeted memory," Andrew Scholey of the
university's Human Cognitive Neuroscience Unit said.  "People
recalled more words and performed better in tests on working
memory."
     The study also determined that the type of gum, peppermint,
menthol, spearmint or bubble made no difference.  The key was the
repetitive chewing motion.  (Reuters)
          [ I suppose this must account for that other
          class of intellectual giants known for their
          constant chewing habits: cows.  Cud have
          fooled me. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

STRANGEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK...
---------------------------
     "This is not over.  If I were an al Qaeda guy, I would not
want to go out for a pizza."
                            - Army analyst Maj. Brian Hilferty,
                              briefing reporters in Afghanistan
                              on the situation there.


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SELLING?
---------------------------
     If they drink enough Guinness stout, drinkers often believe
that everyone is Irish.  Now the Guinness folks have come up with
a way to use that as a promotion for this weekend's St. Patrick's
Day celebration.  But it might just be a promotion that will
convince drinkers that they've already had enough.
     The company has arranged for bar staff at selected Irish
pubs from Dublin to Dar Es Salaam to be outfitted with colored
contact lenses - green, of course.  The specially designed
eyewear will show a subtle ad for Guinness in the bar person's
eyes.
     Guinness said it hit on the subliminal campaign after
research showed that more than half of British drinkers had not
decided what to order by the time they reached the bar.
     "We realized that there's still one place that drinkers have
to look: into the eyes of the bar staff taking their order," said
David Smith, brand director of Guinness Great Britain.  (Reuters)
          [ We've heard that NASCAR is currently
          interested in the technology as it's the one
          place they have yet to put ads on their
          drivers. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU - REAL SOON NOW...
-------------------------------------
     Sometimes you apply for a job and never hear back.  And that
is what happened to 52-year-old Ravindra Nath Halder, a
grandfather who lives in Calcutta, India.  He had applied for a
government job and never been contacted - until last week.  They
finally called him for an interview.
     All of this would be pretty staid stuff except for one minor
fact: Halder had applied for this particular position when he
left high school in 1968 - 34 years ago.
     Halder, now a snack shop owner, said he was amazed to get
the letter dated March 6 from the labor exchange asking him to
come for an interview.  But that was until they found out his
current age.  The irony is that, according to the law, no one
older than 37 can be considered for a government job in the state
of West Bengal.
     "I'd given up hope. ... I'm now 52 and too old for a
government job," said Halder, a father of two daughters and a
son.  (Reuters)
          [ Halder's son is also on the list.  He
          expects to hear back any decade now. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

THE NEW AGE AND ITS TRAILERS
----------------------------
     A proposed new police and fire department building in
upscale Sausalito was rejected by voters early this month on
grounds that are maybe not so surprising for that area of
California.
     Opponents said that the new building would violate the
community's feng shui.
     Feng shui is the ancient Chinese art of placing things to
ensure a harmonious energy flow - a popular concept lately in new
age thinking, but with widely different interpretations.
     Further opposition to the project came from the proposed
buildings Mediterranean styling and expense of $7.8 million.  The
vote also means that the 30 employees of the city's police force
will continue to work out of a collection of portable buildings
that replaced the former police station which was destroyed in a
1995 flood.  But these shabby temporary buildings may also
disturb the harmonious feng shui of the community.
     "We're the only trailer park in Sausalito," said police
Capt. Jim Hyatt.  (AP)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

PREDICTING THE STOCK MARKET?  KID'S STUFF!
-----------------------------------------
     It's been a rough year already for financial institutions. 
With the economy down banks are in trouble, companies are
contracting, accountants are having to explain past work and
stock brokers are having a very hard sell.
     What, no one appreciates my K-Mart stock certificate
wallpaper?  How about some nice Polaroid wrapping?  I won't even
mention that Enron stock, which now has approximately the same
value as a roll of "squeezably soft" Charmin.  Except it's not as
useful.
     A while back here in SUNFUN we had a story of stock pros in
Toronto being taken to the cleaners by the predictions of a
plastic Santa Claus toy.  Now comes word from England the market
analysts have been topped again, this time by a five-year old
girl.
     The new queen of picking stocks is kindergartner Tia Lavern
Roberts from London, England, who not only outperformed senior
market analysts but also overcame a 16 percent drop in the FTSE
100 index, Britain's Dow Jones.
     According to the study by National Science Week magazine,
the stocks in her fantasy portfolio rose 5.8 percent over one
year.  Professional stock picker Mark Goodson used his years of
expertise and computer analysis, losing 46.2 percent over the
year.  Even an astrologer did better, as star gazer Christeen
Skinner used planetary motions, star charts and other magic
spells to drop only 6.2 percent.
     "During an unstable year for the stock market...  Tia's
random selection has still managed to outperformed the others,"
said Richard Wiseman, a psychologist from the University of
Hertfordshire who devised the experiment.
     Tia thought it was "wicked" that she'd beaten the market,
the statement said.  Her tips for this year include Cadbury
Schweppes, Northern Rock, Prudential, Pearson and Shell
Transport.  (Reuters)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

ADDRESS UNKNOWN...
---------------
     One thing is clear: there sure are lots of people desperate
to get out of Pakistan just now.  We know that because of the
large number - over 3,000 -  who have applied to become citizens
of Ladonia, according to that country's state secretary.
     This might even make sense if Ladonia actually WAS a
country.
     Ladonia is a chunk of land in southern Sweden just one
square kilometer (half-mile) in size.  As a nation it exists
mainly on the Internet (http://www.aim.se/ladonia) and in the
imagination of its creator, maverick artist Lars Vilks.  Vilks
set up his own country in 1996 to protest Swedish authorities
attempt to remove two of his abstract art works from a scenic
location in Skne in southern Sweden.  Obviously, this isn't
exactly a country recognized by the United Nations, or much of
anyone else, for that matter.  But the imaginary country does
have 6,000 registered "citizens," who are mostly in on the joke. 
Until the last few weeks, anyway.
     "It all started a month ago when we began getting the first
applications from Pakistan, and then the pace really picked up,"
said Vilks, whose Ladonian title is state secretary.  "We got
regular mail asking how to get to Ladonia and where our embassy
in Pakistan is situated."
     Surprised and upset that his Web site had given people false
hopes, Vilks temporarily shut down the site's citizen
applications.  
     "I just spoke with my Minister of Internet.  We are going to
try and open it again, with a text warning people that we cannot
provide jobs or housing," Vilks said.  (Reuters)
          [ Upon the announcement, the US State
          Department immediately offered foreign aid to
          Ladonia tied to a trade pact. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

NAMES NOT IN THE NEWS...
---------------------
     I'll bet you haven't heard much on the nightly news about
the ongoing election controversy in Madagascar.  That island, off
the east coast of Africa, has a language related to Malay, and
uses many traditional family names.
     The reason you haven't heard much about this is that the
network folks are probably still trying to figure out how to say
the name of the long-time Malagasy president's media advisor, a
Mr. Razafindradriantsimaniry.
     The names of the two candidates for the presidency there
also present newscasters with a linguistic challenge.  The
embattled president, Didier Ratsiraka, who appears to have lost
control of the capital Antananarivo, is opposed by millionaire
Marc Ravalomanana.  Both men claim to have been elected president
after a disputed vote last December.
     Except for the names, this begins to sound familiar.
     Ratsiraka, who has ruled the island of 15 million people off
southeast Africa for 23 years, maintains that a second round of
polls later this month must be held to determine who is
president.  Ravalomanana says the time for political negotiations
has passed.  (Reuters)
          [ Fox News suggested the simple expedient of
          calling them Rat and Rav, but other networks
          rejected the idea. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

HOME SWEET HOME ON WHEELS
-------------------------
     Anywhere you hang your hat is home, right?  Not according to
London authorities, who recently evicted an elderly woman from
her home of 26 years.
     The home was a battered 1976 Ford Consul.  After being
evicted from her flat decades ago, former music teacher Ann
Naysmith simply moved into her car and had lived there ever
since.
     After all this time, the forces of bureaucracy finally
caught up with her unconventional digs, calling the rusting relic
a health hazard.  They had the old Ford towed away to a junk
yard.
     And that might be the end of the story, except that Miss
Naysmith's neighbors had gotten used to her home on wheels,
seeing it as a positive part of the neighborhood.  So if city
hall had a problem with the rusting wreck, they had a ready
solution; they simply presented Naysmith with a still shiny,
late-model red Mercedes.  The car was placed in the same spot as
the old Ford complete with a sign in the window reading: "Welcome
home Miss Naysmith."
     "It seemed a straightforward and sensible solution," said
Sian Lines, who donated the Mercedes.  (Reuters)
          [ Now about those parking tickets... ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--