Navigation & Music Control
 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #283 - 01/13/2002

THE 2001 ODDITY AWARDS

Further Proof That Weirdness Will Out...

Greetings Funnies Folk,
     OK, I have to admit it...  I have in the past said that
things were very odd in the previous year.  But in the five years
I've done the Oddity Awards, there has never been a year like
this last one.  Last year takes the cake.  In fact, it takes the
entire bakery and the vast majority of greengrocers.  2001 was a
spaced-out oddity.
     The rest of the year was bad, but then there was last Fall,
with all the truly frightening events shown live on television. 
There was that thing with the buildings in New York and
Washington, of course, AND there was the Michael Jackson concert. 
How frightening it was to see him with his brothers.  My teenaged
kids don't seem at all bothered by this, possibly because they
aren't quite old enough to remember when Jacko and his brothers
looked something alike and were more or less the same color.  Of
course, that was long before Michael had all of his actual skin
removed and replaced with low-maintenance Sears vinyl siding. 
Strangest rumor of the year?  That Mr. J's plastic proboscis
popped off during the taping and had to be retrieved by a shocked
stagehand.  Not that I believe it, of course, but if there was
ever a nose that looked like a poorly glued-on fake, it's that
one.  Which leads to the year's worst joke: How does Michael
Jackson pick his nose?  From a catalog.  Ba-dum-dum...
     I don't know about you folks, but if 2002 is stranger still,
I will give up all pretense that the world can somehow be made an
honorable and sensible place, quit my job, put on a green tuxedo
and take to roller skating in the park wearing orange mime makeup
and a propeller beanie while walking an imaginary dog.  And
loudly humming the theme song from the flop TV show of the 1960's
"Hey, Landlord."  And even that wouldn't come close to how
bizarre the year went.  Not that many good things didn't happen
and most of my friends and loved ones made it out OK, but was
never happier to close the book on a year than I was for the
late, unlamented 2001.
     As strange as the last year was for all of us, we really had
to count on each other for support and encouragement.  So thanks
to all of you who helped keep us from flying off the rails this
year, and thanks - as always - to this week's contributors: 
Jerry Taff, Tim McChain, Bob Martens, Kenn Venit, Charles
Beckman, Mary Crow, Jack & Sherrie Gervais, Helen Yee, Carol
Becwar, Kerry Miller, Nnamdi Elleh & Ann and Wallace Adams, Brian
Siegl.  I really thought it would be hard to top all that
election stuff last year, but this year did it.  Let's hope that
things get back to abnormal in 2002, with just the usual
nuttiness to worry about.  Stupid criminals and political
embarrassments are far more sensible than vast international
conspiracies.  Far funnier, too.
     Have A Slightly Odd (But Fun) Week,

--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                    WORLD'S SHORTEST HONEYMOON
                    --------------------------
     There are couples who seem destined for each other, who will
go on through their relationship making each other gloriously
happy for a lifetime and never seeming to disagree about
anything.
     But we can't do those folks because they aren't funny. 
Sorry.
     Fortunately for us, if not for them, there are a few couples
like Kathryn Marie Patrick and her new husband, Brett of Stuart,
Florida.  Seems the couple's bliss on their wedding last March 17
got only about as far as the reception, where the bride and groom
had some sort of lover's quarrel over the disposition of some of
the wedding gifts.
     Well, maybe it could be accurately described as something
more than that sort of tiff, considering that the blushing bride
kicked the groom, punched him in the face, knocked him down and
pelted him with wedding cake as he lay moaning on the ground.
     Ms. Patrick was charged with battery and released on $5,000
bail, police said - at roughly the same time the gored groom was
released from the hospital.  No word if they've made up, but if
so, mazel tov and I do hope he's paid his health insurance. 
Especially since reports have it that the bride was 10 weeks
pregnant at the time.  (Reuters)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                    GONE TODAY, HERE TOMORROW
                    -------------------------
     Far more understanding were loving couple Janne Grim and her
fiance Svein Froeytland of Oslo, Norway.  She decided to pop the
question herself at a Christmas party with friends and arranged
for him to get his favorite porridge dessert with an engagement
ring in it.  It was a surprise, of course.
     One thing is sure, it certainly was his favorite dessert. 
And he ate every bit of it.  Gold ring included.
     Admittedly, Ms. Janne was a little Grim - and surprised -
when her boyfriend ate the dessert and said nothing.  But before
she took the silence as a rejection, she realized that the gold
had been gulped unnoticed.  Ms. Grim pointed out to the future
groom that the dessert had made him a bit heavier - by at least
24 carats.
     The last report I could find on this was that the couple was
patiently waiting for the ring to reappear naturally, as it
eventually must.  (Reuters)
          [ "The Case of The Missing Ring," Holmes? 
          "Alimentary, my dear Watson." ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                    IN SEARCH OF THE LOST CORD
                    --------------------------
     Cyberspace, we've often pointed out, is a very strange
place.  As someone once said about Oakland, there's no there
there.  Well, there is, sort of, and just like the California
civic cousin to San Francisco, something can be virtually there
and virtually not.  Confused?  Not if you've ever been t Oakland. 
Think about it this way: when you've logged on to the net, no
matter where in the world you are, do you actually know just what
box is talking to you on the other end of the line and where it
is located?
     Normally, this is no problem, but the one that had the folks
at the University of North Carolina scratching their heads was
the server that couldn't be upgraded.  Try as they might, that
computer could not be located anywhere - for over four years.  In
that time, fortunately, it never missed a bit, but the actual box
was nowhere to be found.  Virtual software is one thing, but
virtual hardware?...
     Finally, I.T. department workers and specialists from Novell
Networking traced the missing network server by carefully
following every single network cable.  In the course of
remodeling, they found, that particular system had been
mistakenly sealed behind drywall and plastered in by maintenance
workers.  (John Rendleman, InformationWeek Daily)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                         OK, SUE THE JERK!
                         ----------------
     Lots of folks don't like the bad-boy, foul-mouthed, evil-
attitude rapper Eminem.  In April of last year, for example, the
28-year-old Mr. Em was hauled into court on a weapons possession
charge, fined $2,500 and ordered to seek counselling and drug
testing.
     Maybe it is a surprise that one of the people most upset by
Eminem's bad behavior is Eminem, himself.  So, using that right
dear to all who are offended in America, he sued the bastard.
     Yup, he filed suit against himself, saying in the papers
that he was fed up with his nasty attitude toward friends, family
and colleagues in the music industry.  Not that these aren't
commonly held beliefs, but it is unusual to state them in a brief
before the Michigan Circuit Court, especially if that court
filing amounts to an analysis session.
     To quote the suit further, Eminem (whose  given name is
Marshall Mathers III) admitted that he is a "hopeless jerk" and
"a complete piece of white trash who is only able to treat people
so horribly because I'm rich and famous.  But deep down inside, I
know I'm just a punk without a friggin' clue who don't know
nuthin' and who needs to be told to shut the f---  up." 
     It seems that the rapper is also blissfully unaware of the
rarity of words like "friggin'", "don't know nuthin'" and
especially, "f---," in legal documents, but we are otherwise
drawn to agree with his self-assessment.
     The complaint goes on to quote Eminem as admitting, "It's me 
who's the piece of garbage.  Me who acts like an obnoxious mental
case.  Me who has brain damage.  Me who tries to imitate a black
dude all the time.  Me who causes little kids to go wrong 'cause
the words to my songs are so irresponsible and retarded."  He
vows to embrace his day in court and "smack down that crazed
monster who has taken over my personality.  This damn junk has
gone on long enough.  I'm gonna make me pay!"
     The suit seeks unspecified monetary damages, which I
suppose, the rich Mr. Rapper will pay himself along with court
costs.  (Reuters)
          [ Unless he decides to fight the case through
          the courts.  Anyone give Em the number for
          the schizophrenia hotline yet? ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                         FINE WITH HIM!
                         --------------
     Speaking of suits, there was the rather odd plagiarism suit
last year in the courts of Ankara where former Turkish president
and military coup leader Kenan Evren was sued over a painting he
had sold.
     Seems the general, who has taken up art since his retirement
in 1989, based one of his artworks on photos by the famous
photographer Fikret Otyam, which later sold for $4,000. 
Naturally, Otyam took Evren to court over the unauthorized use,
and the court found in the photographer's favor.  Not that Otyam
is all that happy about the result.
     The court fined the ex-president the sum of 1 Turkish lira.
     I know that doesn't sound like much, but hang on to your
socks...  The Turkish lira is one of the world's most inflated
currencies, so one lira there is the equivalent of $0.0000008
USD.  Put another way, in Turkey, a millionaire is someone
walking around with the equivalent of three quarters and a
nickel.  (Reuters)
          [ Faced with the fine, General Evren dug deep
          into his personal savings and paid it off
          with two postage stamps, a used Kleenex and a
          stick of gum. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                          POOR TRAINING
                          -------------
     In crime, planning is everything.  Unfortunately, as we have
so often pointed out, the crooks plot most carefully right up to
the point of the actual criminal act, then wing the getaway on
the fly with no more planning than a trip to the bathroom.
     So it was with a gang of bank bandits in Fukuoka, Japan, who
raided their favorite financial institution for 47 million yen. 
Now, if that was Turkish lira, it wouldn't have bought them all
lunch at McDonald's, but in yen it's close enough to half a
million bucks US - a pretty fair haul.
     So, what did they do?  Well, they immediately jumped on a
train and stashed the suitcase of loot in the overhead luggage
rack.  One located several rows away from where they were
sitting.
     All the fooling around so far away made a conductor ask the
crooks what they were doing.  When their nervously stammered
replies made no sense, the conductor confiscated the suitcase
full of dough and trotted off to call the cops.  By the time he
got back, he found that the crooks had jumped off the train, some
47 million yen poorer for their shortened trip.  (BCR)
          [ All that money, and they only went coach? ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                          WE BE JAMMIN'
                          ------------
     Tired of cellphones yet?  They ring in the movies, they ring
in restaurants, they ring at concerts.  One doctor in Hong Kong
took a call on his phone while doing surgery.  That strange
ringing in your ears is no longer just the result of too much
listening to Metallica CDs on your boom box.  We are turning into
an entire species of Quasimodos, all complaining of the sound of
bells ringing incessantly in our ears.
     But I digress.  Yes, and it is what I do, so I'm not really
complaining.  OK, back to the topic, which was (for those of you
who've lost your place in the home game) cellphones and how they
ring everywhere.
     A company in Hong Kong claims to have the answer, if they
can just convince regulators that it is legal.  What they propose
is to borrow technology from US fighter jets to counter the
endless ringing of portable phones.
     Now before you get visions of a HARM radar-guided missile
aimed at that slime who upset your romantic dinner at a nice
restaurant and vaporizing him with a couple hundred pounds of
high explosive, let me point out that the technology they are
borrowing is a spread-spectrum jamming technology they call
MuteTone.  Fancy talk for it doesn't ring and it doesn't work. 
The device sells for about $1,600 and covers an area about the
size of a large auditorium.
     "This is a way to enforce the etiquette of mobile phone
usage where polite persuasion has failed," said Paul Kan,
chairman of Champion Technology Holdings Ltd.
     According to the company, response from the public has been
positive, though there are legal hurdles in many locations for
such jamming transmitters.  (Reuters)
          [ In those places, however, threats from
          large men offering to install the offending
          phone in some anatomically unlikely location
          are still surprisingly effective. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                          SPOOKED SPOOKS
                          --------------
     There have been, of course, scattered and unscientific
reports that using a cellphone is bad for you.  Now comes a
scattered and unscientific report that use of cellphones is even
worse for those who have gone before into the spirit world.
     That's ghosts, to the less New Agey of us.  Tony Cornell, of
the Society for Psychical Research, told the Sunday Express
newspaper in England that reports of spirit sightings had started
to decline when mobile phones were introduced 15 years ago.
     "Ghost sightings have remained consistent for centuries. 
Until three years ago we'd receive reports of two new ghosts
every week," said Cornell, of Cambridge in Eastern England.  "But
with the introduction of mobile phones 15 years ago, ghost
sightings began to decline to the point where now we are
receiving none."  (Reuters)
          [ Submitted for your consideration, a direct
          line to the world beyond.  A gravely
          important person-to-person call to a party
          that may or may not pick up the receiver.  A
          bit of modern communication that only
          connects -  to the Twilight Zone... ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

              ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                    POST TRAUMATIC STRESS
                    ---------------------
     Everyone is aware by now that 2001 was not the best year at
the US Postal Service.  Costs were way up, volume was way down,
and there was anthrax in the machinery.  As if that wasn't
enough, they still can't find Posey Cullen.
     Not that they really expect to find Posey herself, but even
a relative would do at this point.
     See, the postal service is charged with delivering every
letter and card they can, no matter how long it may be delayed,
and they are stuck because they can't find where to deliver
Posey's post card.  They last they knew, she was a student a
Bethel College in Hopkinsville, Kentucky, but that school closed
- in 1964.  By then, the card was already likely a little late to
catch Miss Cullen, since it was dated Feb. 23, 1909.  She
apparently graduated in 1910.
     The prodigal post card was discovered in Cincinnati last
year when workers were moving machinery.  That in itself only
deepens the mystery, since the post office building the card was
found in was completed in 1936.  (Reuters)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                    FINDING FORRESTER - AGAIN?
                    -------------------------
     Another little mystery involves the crooks who shoplifted
videos at several Blockbuster Video stores in Edmonton, Alberta
last May.  Apparently, the only items missing in the crime spree
were all 81 copies of the Sean Connery film "Finding Forrester"
and - even more bizarre - 12 copies of Adam Sandler's "Little
Nicky."  (Edmonton Journal)


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                      GETTING A LITTLE AHEAD
                      ----------------------
     They say that politicians know all the angles.  There is,
however, one angle that the image-conscious politicos in the New
Zealand Parliament want to fix - the one directly overhead.
     Seems the TV cameras in the viewing galleries were installed
about 15 feet (5 meters) above the speaker's podium, an angle
that many of the mostly middle-aged male members find somewhat
embarrassing.  It is, in fact, the perfect angle to reveal the
collection of comb-overs and chrome domes common to that age and
sex.
     "Photographing it (the debating chamber) from the ceiling...
just means you see pictures of bald heads.  Now that's really
unflattering," said Richard Prebble, leader of the small ACT
Party.  Prebble, by the way, has a fairly impressive mane.
     A quick poll of Kiwi pols showed that about one sixth had
patchy pates.  (Reuters)
          [ ... And if that doesn't work, blame the
          lighting. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--

                 ===== THE ODDITY AWARD FOR: =====
                          STRANGE BREW
                          ------------
     For all of you who say, "One beer is just like another," I
give you Professor Merryn Dineley.
     Now I've been to some brew pubs that serve tipple that could
only be called beer by the half-baked frat boys who would drink
anything yellowish that contains enough alcohol.  But we may
finally have found a beer to challenge even their uncritical
tastes.
     Before revealing the secret ingredient of this brew, the
SUNFUN legal department has informed me that I have to tell you
not to read this if you are eating or have eaten or drunk
anything in the past, say, six days.  Consider yourself warned.
     The "stone age" beer from the Orkney Islands (near Scotland)
contains a flavoring of: baked animal droppings.  Sure, there
have probably been many times when those of you with
discriminating tastes have said, "This beer tastes like crap!" 
But Prof. Dineley's historic brew is, perhaps, the first beer
about which this would be a true and accurate scientific
description, rather than just a subjective and pejorative put-
down.
     Dineley, a historian for Manchester University, re-created
the 5,000-year-old recipe as a research project.  He told the
local newspaper that he found the dung-flavored, stone age brew
"quite delicious."  (Reuters)
          [ Myself, I'm betting the Prof was a frat
          boy. ]


--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.