Season's Greetings All!
Ho-Ho-Holy Cow, It's Christmas already! Sure, we knew it
was coming - and we even have the date memorized. But somehow
the season always seems to catch us not quite ready. Despite the
wonder and joy and chance to see all of our friends and family,
Christmas can be a stressful time of the year. It seems like
none of us quite has it together for the season. Unless we're
Martha Stewart - but then, she has a large staff just to make all
those festive paper bag luminaires.
The hassle, crowded stores and credit card debt may be new,
but somehow this season has always contained about equal measures
of joy and consternation. Think of the gifts of the wise men,
which included frankincense and myrrh. Largely lost on the crowd
at church this Sunday is that those were best known in that time
as precious funeral spices. So the message of the wise men was
something like, "Happy Birthday kid, you're going to die." Maybe
the gold was a bribe to forget about it.
It could be kind of ironic that so many of us celebrate the
birth of that Jewish child in the manger all those centuries ago
by spending our pre-holiday time kvetching. It takes a while to
recover our senses after all the rushing around, but most of us
do seem to manage it eventually. To sit in the house warm and
watch a little snow come down, knowing we don't have to shovel it
away quite yet. To talk and laugh with old friends near and far.
To watch the wonder in a baby's eyes when they first see a
Christmas tree. That is what makes it all worthwhile.
All of the best Christmas stories share this theme of
rediscovery and transformation, from "It's A Wonderful Life" to
"The Grinch That Stole Christmas" and all the way back to Chuck
Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." For a little while, we get to see
the good in people and appreciate the peace and joy of simple
pleasures. We can be thankful for what we have, and take the
time to see the love and friendship that surrounds us even when
we are too busy to see it. There's magic in that - powerful
magic.
Christmas Thanks this week to all of our friends and family
near and far, especially: Rosana & Stan Leung, Caterina Sukup,
Jerry Taff, Fumiko Umino, R.J. Tully, Carol J. Becwar, Kerry
Miller, Bob Martens, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Rudolph, Jan Michalski,
Roger & Marilyn Bogenberger, Blitzen, Tim McChain, Paul Roser,
Charles Beckman, Kris Kringle, Wallace Adams, Bruce Gonzo and
Joshua Brink.
Now, before you overdose on the bad attitudes of others at
this time of year, remember that stressed backwards is desserts.
So, pull up a comfortable chair, grab some egg nog & Christmas
cookies and have a red suit and white beard kind of day. (Those
of you who are female should probably skip the beard part.)
Merry Christmas to all, and to all - a Great Week!
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
A MOVING EXPERIENCE...
-------------------
With any luck, and a few techno-incantations, the Sunday
Funnies will be coming to you next week via our new, high-speed
server at: sunfun@wi.rr.com
That will also be the new address for you to send any SUNFUN
submissions for future issues. The current billbb@compuserve.com
address, our home on email for all these years, will only be
around about another month before it goes to that great void in
the web.
So, among your New Year's resolutions, add the new SUNFUN
email link to your address book. The new address is also the
place to send any subscription problems. This thing ought to
send by midnight Saturday Eastern (U.S.) time - unless I'm still
busy writing it. In any case, it should always arrive by Sunday
morning - U.S. time, that is. For all I can figure, those of you
on the other side of the international date line either get this
on Sunday evening or three weeks ago last Thursday. Anyway, drop
us a line if SUNFUN doesn't show up as expected.
Yes, I did just say "send me an email if you don't get this"
- so what? You understood it, right?
The website address at: snfn@tripod.com will be staying
put, so head over there any time if you happen to miss an issue.
That site should update around the same time as the email send,
though it may be a little delayed if I'm asleep in the basement
nose down on the keyboard by the time I get it written. In that
case, it may be out the next day.
You'll know about the nose on the keyboard part by all the
spaces at the end.
- billbb
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
THE FOUR STAGES OF CHRISTMAS LIFE:
---------------------------------
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
ANOTHER SNOW JOB...
----------------
In the wake of 911, the passage of new anti-terrorism laws
has given the government unprecedented powers to arrest and hold
those suspected of terrorist activities. The new laws have also
brought concerns among civil libertarians that those government
powers may be abused. While the names of those detained have not
generally been released, we here at SUNFUN News have discovered
the name of one of the accused currently being held on suspicion
of terrorist activities: Mr. K. Kringle, who has operated a cell
for many years under the alias "Santa Claus." Federal
authorities believe that he is the leader of a vast underground
organization referred to in the federal investigation as the
"Santa Sect."
The government believes it has a strong case to hold Mr.
Kringle on suspicion of being a terrorist, based on the
information it has gathered from various intelligence assets
across the world. At the heart of the government's case are
these allegations:
- That he habitually wears a gray beard and a ritual red suit
trimmed with the fur of protected Arctic wildlife species.
- Violation of visa and passport entry controls by entering
the country illegally without filing the required I-94 entry
document. The government has been unable to determine Mr.
Klaus' citizenship, as he does not seem to have a passport
from any known country.
- Allegations that many items carried into the country by the
suspect are made by vertically-challenged slave laborers at
one of several camps in remote areas of the Arctic
wilderness.
- Various suspicious fund-raising activities involving both
licensed and un-licensed charities.
- Illegal entry to private residences in the dead of night.
- Smuggling and various customs law violations by illegally
importing unregulated toys into the U.S. and failure to pay
the appropriate taxes and import duties.
- Unauthorized flights over many American cities without a
proper flight plan and without the proper aircraft warning
lights (one reindeer with a red nose just won't replace a
strobe).
- Illegal landings in violation of FAA rules requiring minimum
flight altitudes over populated areas.
- Violation of environmental rules by maintaining a vast
estate in sensitive tundra areas controlled by international
treaty.
- Maintenance of a vast database of information on citizens
world-wide to keep track of who is "naughty" or "nice" -
based only on the Santa Sect's own inflexible standards of
morality.
- Introduction of hazardous, carboniferous waste materials
(lumps of coal) into the homes of those the Santa-Sect
consider naughty.
The government's lead investigator, District Attorney E.
Marley Scrooge, is certain they have uncovered a major operation
of the Santa organization, and may have prevented some unknown
terrorist effort from taking place in the near future.
"They're clearly in cahoots across the country, all these
people doing very similar and weird things, spending time in
shopping malls and waving in parades. I'm sure those hand
signals are indicating something to other members of the cell,"
he said.
Among the other documents released as evidence was a
threatening memo which reads, in part:
You'd better watch out.
You'd better not cry.
You'd better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
This document, obtained from a low-level worker in the Santa
organization, is said to illustrate the kind of mind control and
cult-like limits to free thought the Santa Sect promotes.
Investigators say that they also believe a large number of
parents, religious authorities and teachers are involved in this
conspiracy, though they expect that some will turn state's
evidence in return for lighter sentences.
Lawyers for the ACLU have filed a writ of habeas corpus, and
hope to have Mr. Kringle bailed out at least in time for
Christmas.
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
RED GREEN
---------
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real
beard: $20.
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
OTHERWISE OCCUPIED...
------------------
OK, so we're pretty sure that Santa isn't out to do us harm
and that he'll be sprung in time to make his annual trip. The
question remains, what does the red-suited one do the rest of the
year to work off all the milk and cookies?
In a process that is nearly as scientific as taking cheese
cultures of the lunar surface, social scientists at the Zogby
research organization conducted a poll of 1,043 Santa believers
nationwide to ask their beliefs on Santa's non-Christmas
activities. The results? With his positive outlook and
relentlessly cheery philosophy, the Claus that refreshes probably
tours as a motivational speaker once he hangs up his sack for the
year.
But you probably wouldn't recognize him, since most
Americans believe Santa wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt when
he is not on official business in his red suit.
Apart from Christmas songs, he is most likely to load up his
CD player with classical or easy-listening music rather than jazz
or rock, and probably drives a pick-up truck or a sports utility
vehicle when his sleigh is up on blocks for the summer.
Nearly 43 percent of Americans though Santa would vote as an
Independent, as opposed to either a Republican or a Democrat, and
that comic actor John Goodman would be a good choice to replace
Mr. Claus, should he ever choose to retire. (Reuters)
[ It might be a good career choice for Goodman; at
least he'd fit the traditional uniform. ]
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
SANTA CENSUS
------------
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the
U.S. - but only one Kris Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that
one kid's parents)
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
HAVE A CUP OF CHRISTMAS CHEER?
-----------------------------
In a study commissioned by Norwich Union Healthcare of
England released just in time for the holidays, the health group
gave a rough estimate of how much holiday overindulgence will
cost British businesses.
At $157 million, it's one expensive hangover.
"A fifth of all party-goers will take more than three days
off work due to over-indulgence at a Christmas Party," the report
said.
In their own study, the makers of Britain's most popular
hangover cure, Alka-Seltzer, said that there could be worse
things in the morning than the traditional furry tongue and
headache so bad your hair hurts. In Outer Mongolia, for example,
the best cure for a hangover believed to be eating a pickled
sheep's eye in a glass of tomato juice. And in Puerto Rico folks
rub lemon under their arms. It probably doesn't help the head
any, but at least they don't stink like an old barroom on Sunday
morning after a night on the town.
Studies show that men slosh down far more than women,
consuming an average 11 units of alcohol - the science lab
equivalent of five pints of beer or 11 glasses of wine. And
workers in the 16-24 age range are far more likely to be under
the weather from the bash before Boxing Day.
"Christmas is one of Britain's most unhealthy times of the
year. With statistics like this it is not surprising there are
so many people taking time off work because they have a
hangover," said Dr. Doug Wright, clinical development manager at
Norwich Union Healthcare. (Reuters)
[ "Dr. Wright? Oh yes, over there in the
corner dancing on the table with the
lampshade on his head... And lemon under his
arms" ]
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
THE OTHER BIG RED SUIT
----------------------
There is really a grinch and we've found him. Does it
surprise anyone that he's a lawyer?
Assistant City Solicitor Rick Ganulin of Cincinnati brought
suit in federal court two years ago to stop Christmas at all
costs. Why?
"I think it is terribly unjust to force non-Christians to
observe a Christian holy day as a legal holiday," Ganulin said,
while maintaining he was not opposed to the "celebration of
Christmas by Christians."
The case had been cranking its way through the courts ever
since. Last spring, the U.S. Supreme Court returned Ganulin's
suit unopened like an unwanted fruitcake. Ganulin said he was
not dismayed by the court's action and that he'd welcome the
opportunity to get back to his family.
The ruling the high court left in place was a little - shall
we say - unusual. In rejecting the suits claims, U.S. District
Judge Susan Dlott produced a ruling in nine stanzas of verse,
which read in part:
"We are all better for Santa,
The Easter Bunny, too.
And maybe The Great Pumpkin.
To name just a few!
An extra day off
Is hardly high treason.
It may be spent as you wish,
Regardless of reason."
"One is never jailed,
For not having a tree,
For not going to church,
For not spreading glee!
"The court will uphold,
seemingly contradictory causes,
decreeing 'The Establishment' and 'Santa'
both worthwhile claus(es)."
"(The ruling) didn't bother me nearly as much the fallacious
reasoning she used as the underpinning for her decision," Ganulin
said. (AP/Reuters)
[ Is that poetic justice, or what? ]
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--
THE BEST GIFT OF ALL...
--------------------
"It is possible to give without loving, but it is
impossible to love without giving."
- Richard Braunstein
-./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>--./:-)>-
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR
[ Or, Happy Christmas and
Merry New Year, for that
matter... ]
FROM THE SUNDAY FUNNIES
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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