Welcome to the castle, my friends...
Leave it to the Germans to have exactly the right word for
things -- especially when it involves describing the weirder side
of human emotions. Those crazy Deutchlanders use the word
"Schadenfreude" to describe the feeling of superiority that comes
from watching something bad happening to someone else. This
feeling covers everything from laughing at seeing someone slip on
a banana peel to far more fearful stuff, such as horror films and
gothic novels. Without that feeling, the whole Stephen King
crowd would probably be out selling pencils on street corners.
With so many people fearful of things in the real world these
days, it says something about odd nature of humans that we still
seek out the latest horror movies and novels. We don't mind
awful stuff so much, as long as it happens to someone else. In
books and movies, we can get the scary stuff in safely controlled
doses - something we humans have also been known to do with other
controlled substances.
Packaged in such neat little bundles, we can better deal
with these frights and come to terms with them. Take the whole
Dracula / vampire thing - it is an elegant, almost sensual kind
of horror, at least as presented in the movies and novels. But
most folks don't know that there really was a guy named Dracula,
who may really have been from Transylvania - except that he
wasn't a Count, and he was far more horrifying than anything the
movies ever showed. Elegant, sophisticated horror would not have
been this guy's cup of blood.
The real Dracula was ruler of Walachia in the mid-1400's.
Formally, he was Prince Vlad III Dracula, but everyone called him
Vlad Tepes, or "Vlad the Impaler." This was for the prince's
charming habit of disposing of his enemies by sticking them on
stakes while still alive - his favorite form of execution.
Clearly, being appointed to a post in his administration was not
necessarily a great honor. This prince of darkness saw himself
as surrounded by enemies, so he offed somewhere between 10 and 20
thousand people this way, according to writers at the time -
sometimes for the least possible offense. It gets weirder. Vlad
also enjoyed having his supper among forests of mounted enemies,
and did so on numerous occasions. Dr. Freud's receptionist could
have accurately diagnosed him as a severely disturbed paranoid /
schizophrenic. He would not have been the prince that Cinderella
was waiting for, that's for certain.
After becoming prince, Dracula supposedly invited many
beggars and other old, sick and poor people to a banquet at his
castle. When his guests had finished eating their meal and
drinking a toast to him, Dracula asked them, "Would you like to
be without cares, lacking nothing in this world?"
Yes, they said enthusiastically.
With this, Dracula had the castle boarded up and set it on
fire. Nobody escaped. "I did this so that no one will be poor
in my realm," he said. Clearly, he had an even less enlightened
view of welfare reform than some modern conservatives.
In 1476, mad Vlad finally met his maker, dying in battle
against the Turks near Bucharest. Some historians claim he was
killed by his own men, which would have been about right by that
time. Prince Drac was buried at the island monastery at Snagov.
Archaeological excavations conducted in 1931 found the tomb empty
- but you probably expected that.
By coincidence, that was the same year that the elegant Bela
Lugosi nibbled on the necks of a few sleeping gals in the movie
version of Bram Stoker's novelized Dracula story. So the truly
scary, real horror of Mad Vlad had been reduced and repackaged as
a slightly batty peeping tom with a fang fetish. New rules are
invented and the unimaginable is made understandable. Bet the
real Dracula had no trouble out in sunlight or with silver
crucifixes. It was the folks with him who were in trouble.
Thanks this week to the folks who always diminish my fears
that I'll run out of SUNFUN material, especially: Jerry Taff,
Kerry Miller, Wallace Adams, R.J. Tully, Carol J. Becwar, Jan
Michalski, Jack & Sherrie Gervais, Yasmin Leischer, Bruce Gonzo,
Tim McChain and Major & Judy McCallum. Nothing can completely
eliminate fear, of course, but just as in the movies, may all of
your fears be diminished and made understandable.
Have A Great Pumpkin Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny
matters compared to what lies within us."
- Henry David Thoreau
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
SCARED, BUT STILL STUPID
------------------------
New York authorities have indicted six men because of some
odd behavior in an apartment near the World Trade Center on
September 11th. As the hijacked jets slammed into the twin
towers directly across the street, one of the suspects calmly
refused to evacuate his smoke and debris filled apartment. That
in itself was pretty weird. As crazy as that neighborhood was on
9/11, most people were pretty rattled and wanted to get out
before things got worse. Investigating further, police obtained
a search warrant and discovered a large quantity of illegal
drugs, drug paraphernalia, guns and ammunition in the apartment.
The man's five associates were arrested later.
"The Fire and Police Department officers were alert to any
kind of suspicious behavior and they took appropriate action,"
said Bridget Brennan of the city's special narcotics unit.
(Reuters)
[ ... And the drugs may explain both why the man was
reluctant to leave AND why he was taking it all so
calmly at the same time. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
DANTE'S INFERNAL...
----------------
He may have been Italy's greatest poet, but, until recently,
he was among the missing.
Dante Alighieri is best as the author of "Dante's Inferno,"
a vision of Hell that was among the most influential texts of
medieval Europe. He also played a active role in the city's
turbulent politics in the late 13th century. So active, in fact,
that he ended up banished from the city, and died in exile in
Ravenna in 1321.
On the 600th anniversary of his birth in 1865, scientists
opened his tomb and donated a small quantity of his ashes to the
Florence library. The ashen relic was displayed at a
international congress in Florence in 1929 but disappeared
shortly afterwards. For more than 70 years, it was believed that
Dante's dust had been swept away by the winds of time.
Well, not quite. He'd simply been misfiled. Two employees
at Florence's National Central Library stumbled across the
remains by chance while they were searching in the rare
manuscripts department.
"They were sorting a few things out when they came across an
envelope on one of the shelves on the second floor," the
library's director Antonia Ida Fontana said. "They opened it and
found a bag of ashes along with documents which identify them as
those of Dante."
It is believed that the envelope with the writer's ashes may
have been misplaced when the library moved to its current
building in 1935. Surely when Dante spoke of the lost souls of
perdition, being bureaucratically mis-filed was not quite what he
had in mind. (Reuters)
[ "Hey, Luigi, does this go in 'A' for
Alighieri or 'D' for dead guy?" ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
RISEN FROM THE DEAD? NO, IN COURT - SUING...
------------------------------------------
Count Dracula has been defeated again.
Ottomar Rodolphe Vlad Dracul Prince Kretzulesco, who claims
to descend from the 15th century Transylvanian prince, lost a
suit he brought against an Internet distributor selling wines
under the brand name "Dracula."
The Munich court ruled that the current count, who lives and
works as an antiques dealer in Germany, could not claim the sole
rights to the name of his vampire prince ancestor whose blood-
thirsty ways have been portrayed in numerous films. The wine
company successfully argued that it had distribution rights to
market wines under the name "Dracula" because its advertisements
were referred only to the terrifying legendary Dracula, not to
antiques dealer Ottomar Rodolphe. (Reuters)
[ He's lucky. Even though he lost this
round, no one is proposing to drive a stake
through Rodolphe's heart. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"I never drink -- wine."
- Bela Lugosi as the Count in the
movie "Dracula"
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE DISNEY VERSION...
------------------
According to the legends, Dracula can never die.
And that may be a good thing, at least in modern Romania.
The economy there is a mess after years of rule by loony
communist dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, himself nicknamed
"Vampirescu" by Romanians for his economic policies that sucked
the country dry for 25 years. Better the historic homicidal nut
case than the more current one.
Romanians are of two minds about Dracula, on one hand seeing
the psychopathic warlord as a horror, while at the same time
appreciating his place in making Romania independent at a turning
point in history. They point to his bravery and intolerance of
corruption.
Demir Dragnev, a historian from Moldova, says: "Dracula's
image has been unfairly distorted in time by oral histories and
legends." But, more than that, Dracula may be Romania's
lifeblood.
One thing certain is that Vlad the Impaler is a far better
image for making a buck than the commies ever were. Tourists
visiting the country buy T-shirts, postcards, paintings and
ceramic figures worth hundreds of thousands of dollars annually.
Looking to cash in on the interest in Dracula, the town where the
prince spent his early years, Sighisoara, is examining ways to
get tourists to stay longer and spend more. One serious proposal
that is said to have top priority is the creation of a Dracula
theme park. According to the Ministry of Tourism, negotiations
are underway with foreign companies and investors for a kind of
Dracland, featuring both the historic and modern versions of bad
Vlad.
The town already features the Prince Dracula Inn -- a
restaurant occupying the ancient house where the historical Drac
spent his early childhood years between 1431 and 1435. Featured
dish? The Dracula entree -- pork goulash and polenta, the
medieval salad of onion, tomatoes and peppers, washed down with
vampire wine -- red, of course, according to inn owner Codruta
Gherca. (Reuters)
[ I guess cold steak is completely out of the
question, then? ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
Curiously, the historic Dracula fought for Romania
against both the Turks and Hungarians, but the most
famous actor portraying him was Bela Lugosi - from
Hungary.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
LOOSING CONTROL DEPARTMENT...
--------------------------
TERROR ON 96TH STREET
Remote yet always close you be
Bringing pathos or comedy.
Sleek and slick with popcorn oil,
Your buttons free me from day's toil.
Just when I think I have control
You disappear into a black hole.
All I did was answer the phone.
Now you've left me all alone!
Lights are lit, cushions removed,
Teens are interrogated, spouse is wooed.
Panic rises and chills my heart.
Wherefore, remote, did you depart?
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
HALLOWEEN TIPS WE'VE LEARNED FROM HORROR MOVIES
-----------------------------------------------
- Never read a book on demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never*
check to see if it's really dead.
- If you find that your house is built upon or near a
cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses,
had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide
or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house,
move immediately.
- Do not stay at the Bates Motel. Any Bates Motel.
- If your friends speak to you in Latin or any other language
that they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It
will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will
probably take several shots to kill them, so be prepared.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go
it alone. Most important - never pair off with the slutty
girl who looses her shirt or wants to go skinny dipping in
the haunted lake. Trust me on this one.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to
Hell.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
- If you're searching for something which caused a noise and
find out that "it's just the cat," leave the room
immediately if you value your life.
- If appliances start operating by themselves, it is time to
move. Do not pack the appliances, by the way.
- Do not take *anything* from the dead.
- If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
sure you know what you are doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
down at least twice, more if you are of the female
persuasion. Despite the fact that you are running at an
Olympic gold medal pace and the monster is merely shambling
along at around the speed of an elderly nun on a bicycle, it
will still be able to catch up with you.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, head spinning
around, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
are: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help
you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or
any device made from deceased companions.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
SCARIEST OF ALL...
---------------
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would now be worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser
(the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and
traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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