LOVE AND HISSES

In Relationships, The First Fifty Years Is The Hard Part

Hello Young Lovers Wherever You Are...
     As many of you know, I've been happily married for a long
time.  My wife is happily married, too, though I get the
impression that the time may be just little less.  Not that she
has ever directly complained to me - she is far too kind and
loving and thoughtful for that.  But I know that look.  It is
just part of being a guy that you know you are going to be a
disappointment some of the time.  You guys know what I mean.
     Every time we get around to this relationships topic, I
wonder if SUNFUN has finally taken on too much.  It is fairly
hard to find balanced humor piece on relationships.  For one
thing, the vast majority of the jokes about marriage are in the
class known as "male bashing."  It is probably because of the
distinct differences between men and women.  (No, not the
physical differences - C'mon, we're waxing philosophical here. 
Try to keep it clean!)  Men and women perceive the world quite
differently.  I realize this is not news to any of you who are
married, dating or breathing.
     It doesn't take much study to demonstrate these differences
in perception; even a trip to the Laundromat will do.  Some
single women actually believe they can meet a really nice guy in
a laundromat, because this would finally be a male who is really
interested - and capable - in the domestic arts of cleaning and
ironing.  Though they may start out clean and fresh, these
relationships often fold in that long spin cycle.  That's because
the kind of guy who would hang around in a laundromat to pick up
women is just bright enough to realize that a woman who can't
even afford a washing machine is not going to be able to support
him.
     Men and women think so differently about things it is
amazing that so many can reconcile male and female world views
long enough for our species to procreate.  (See - I told you it
would sound less dirty if we kept it all wordy and philosophical. 
Next time you'll listen to me.)  Women are far more complex than
men, and far harder to understand.  A fair number of men
understand men, but few women understand women.  And it is fairly
safe to say that no men understand women.  The vast abundance of
anti-male jokes probably comes about because men's drives are far
simpler and easier to make funny.  And that's why I worry about
this as a topic - it is too easy to take the easy path.  Or have
I done that already?
     Thanks this week to our always understanding and intelligent
SUNFUN contributors, especially:  the lovely Carol J. Becwar,
Helen Yee & Wayne Pokora, Jerry Taff, Jan Michalski, Yasmin
Leischer, Tim McChain, Kerry Miller, Wallace Adams, R.J. Tully,
Deb Monroe, Sharon Nuernberg, Anna Macareno, Brian Siegl and Bob
Martens.   After all of these years of marriage, I can tell that
my dear bride is pretty sure she understands me.  My only problem
at this point is that it's getting so hard to think up crazy ways
to attempt to convince her that she's wrong.
     Have A Great Week,


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     "To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both
     sides."
                            - David Viscott

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FOR LOVE OR MONEY...
-----------------
     In that movie a couple of years back, Julia Roberts played a
bride on the run.  They probably never saw the movie, but the
term "Runaway Bride" will be all too familiar for a number of
lonely bachelors in rural China.
     The remoteness and primitive living conditions on the mud
hut villages in the hills around the southern city of Changsha
have always made life difficult in the area.  But the large
numbers of young people deserting rural China and the official
"one child" policy have lead to a large number of desperate,
unmarried bachelors and a severe shortage of eligible young
ladies.
     So it seemed like a stroke of luck last March when a pair of
shoe repairmen from a neighboring province showed up offering
spouses along with shoes.  Naturally, there was a cash
transaction involved in this, and the bewitched bridegrooms
forked over considerable cash for their blushing brides.  One
desperate villager, Luo Yi, shelled out a huge fortune to get
hitched:  4,000 yuan ($483) to a matchmaker in "introduction
fees," 10,000 yuan to his new bride's older brother and another
2,000 yuan in travel expenses.  Within a few months, 10 more
village men had placed orders for wives at the going rate of
about 20,000 yuan.
     And going rate it turned out to be, as the new brides
departed within a few hours of each other one day last August,
giving various excuses to their now poorer but wiser husbands.
     The young ladies haven't been seen since, running only
slightly behind the shoe salesmen in vanishing with the cash. 
One marriage had only lasted three days.  Police are looking.
     One of the jilted bachelors admitted that he was, "desperate
to find a wife and agreed without the slightest consideration"
and now felt "like a fool."  (Reuters)
          [ Well, if the shoe fits... ]


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     "Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the
     trouble starts when they try to decide which one."

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THE WEAKER SEX...
--------------
     It's official guys.  The good news is that we now have an
excuse to be treated with delicacy and consideration.  The bad
news is that our delicate egos and myth of invulnerability are
about to get hacked to ribbons.
     Men are now officially the weaker sex.
     It isn't political correctness or any modern social-
political movements that have done this.  It is simple biology. 
Men have always been the weaker sex, but just like the "asking
for directions when lost" thing, we weren't going to admit it.
     Studies show that males are more vulnerable than females
from the moment they are conceived, and parents should treat them
more sensitively than they do.
     "The attitude still is that if he is a boy then he will be a
bit tougher," said Sebastian Kraemer, consultant psychiatrist at
the Tavistock and Portman National Health Service Trust in
England.  Kraemer's study, "The Fragile Male," was published in
the British Medical Journal.
     Kraemer's research showed that the male fetus is at greater
risk of death or damage, and by the time the baby is born a boy
is four to six weeks less developed than a girl.  Boys are also
more prone to psychological problems during their early
upbringing and require more attention, making them more
vulnerable to poor parental care.  The fact that people believe
that males should be tougher only makes the problems worse.
     "There is a social pressure not to let boys be too weak and
to toughen them up," Kraemer said.  (Reuters)


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     "She's a lovely person.  She deserves a good husband. 
     Marry her before she finds one."
                            - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon
                              meeting Harpo's fiancee

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ON THE OTHER HAND...
-----------------
     Despite being the weaker sex, some males seem to do alright. 
In our favor, gentlemen, I present one Abdullah al-Maeedh
al-Qahtani, a farmer from Saudi Arabia who has decided to marry,
as his third wife, a woman half his age.  That isn't so odd, of
course - until you learn that the prospective bride is 55.  Yup,
old Abdul has been hanging around the desert since 1891, and is
still marrying.  His doctors say it's OK.
     "His heart is fluttering for a Syrian woman who will revive
memories of his younger age," the Saudi Gazette said.  The new
bride will join the clan of 70 children, grandchildren and great-
grandchildren he's accumulated living in parts of three
centuries.
     Qahtani attributed his longevity and "phenomenal good
health" to his daily diet of home-made brown wheat bread, honey,
milk and dates.  (Reuters)
          [ I'm guessing he means dates the fruit, not
          dates as in "What are you doing next Friday
          night?" ]


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     "Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his
     second wife to his success."
                            - Jim Backus

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THE STRIKEOUT KING...
------------------
     There have been many clueless clods and dateless dolts over
the years.  But to be truly the silliest of suitors, we have to
look to someone who was otherwise pretty smart.
     Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) was a professional success
as a philosopher, but it might have been that very philosophy
that caused him to be the loneliest guy in town.  As far as
anyone can determine, Fred never had a real relationship, coming
the closest with one Mathilde Trampedach, a pretty, self-assured
21-year-old.
     Maybe it was his approach that scared her off - he proposed
to her within days of their first meeting.  Pretty uncool.  He
might have had more success if hadn't sent the note asking for
her hand in care of her boyfriend, whom she later married.  Real
uncool.  In case you think the rashness of youth might explain
Nietzsche less than "Man and Superman" performance, he was 32 at
the time.
     And, he made almost the same boneheaded play with another
woman later on.  Cary Grant, he wasn't.
     Besides being in marginal health and being less cool than
plaid shorts, his own beliefs probably worked against him.  Not
many women wanted Fred on their dance card after reading in his
books: "When a woman has scholarly inclinations, there is usually
something wrong with her sexually."
     Despite being unlucky in love, Fred wasn't entirely
celibate, much to his later regret, one suspects.  He apparently
paid for a few "dates" in the brothels, where you could fairly
say that the love bug finally did bite.  Nietzsche's mental
derangement after 1889 and his death in 1900 are now believed to
be from an advanced case of syphilis.


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     "By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be
     happy.  If you get a bad one, you'll become a
     philosopher ... and that is a good thing for any man."
                            - Socrates

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ALL THE MODERN CONVENIENCES...
---------------------------
     Given the nature of current events, we may see the
traditions of Islam as being so ancient and unchangeable that
they are completely unaffected by the technologies of modern
world.
     Hardly.
     In fact, a court in Dubai was recently asked to rule on a
case of divorce that was very modern.
     A husband became upset with his wife's tardiness and sent
the text message, "Why are you late?  You are divorced." to her
cellphone.  Sharia law allows that a man may divorce his wife,
under certain conditions, by repeating or writing "you are
divorced" three times.  Men only, though.  Some traditions don't
change.  If the husband repeats the phrase only twice, he can
reconsider his decision within three months.  Sure saves a pile
on lawyers, I'll bet.
     The court held that the high-tech, remote control divorce
was, in fact, valid, though the couple has reportedly made up
since.  (Reuters)
          [ Breaking news:  Singapore Islamic courts
          have ruled that divorce by Email messaging is
          not valid there.  More later. ]


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     "People are always asking couples whose marriages have
     endured at least a quarter of a century for their
     secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I
     am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband
     for not being Paul Newman."
                            - Erma Bombeck

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AFTER A FASHION...
---------------
     Basant Jain and Anita Jain have been turning heads in
Rajnath, India by sporting similar attire for the past 14 years. 
They have even become local celebrities in the central Indian
state of Madhya Pradesh.
     If she wears pink and green, then he wears pink and green --
though she wears the sari and he wears the trousers in the Jain
household.  The couple has pledged to wear the same colors every
day for the rest of their lives.
     Basant Jain, who runs a small bookstore with his wife, said
initially shopkeepers were puzzled by their demand for the same
clothes.
     "Now they make an extra effort to bring special clothes to
us," he said.  "We hope to continue doing so no matter what comes
in our way -- for as long as we live."  (Reuters)
          [ The couple's favorite song?  "Who's Sari
          Now?" ]


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     "Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
     down the street with a  bald head and a big gut, and
     still think they are beautiful."

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TRADING UP...
----------
     Divorce is usually as stressful financially as it is
emotionally.  But now a woman from the Vietnamese province of
Dong Nai in the southern part of the country may have found an
answer to this age-old problem.
     Unable to convince her husband to give up his young
girlfriend, she sold the cad to his mistress for $516.  The
state-run Thanh Nien (Young People) newspaper said the younger
woman paid the angry wife immediately and set up shop with the
former husband.  The ex-wife was reportedly living alone - and
probably better off.  (Reuters)
          [ Only $516?  I guess then the old saying is
          true; it's not the years, it's the mileage. ]


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     "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
                            - Henny Youngman

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PERSPECTIVE ADJUSTMENT 101...
--------------------------
     A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly.  On his face was the
saddest hangdog expression. 
     Eventually, the bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you
having troubles with your wife?"
     The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she
wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
     The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
     The man said, "You don't understand -- the month is up
today..." 


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