Hello Again Funnies Fans,
It is often said that we live in an age of celebrity. I
know for a fact it is often said because I just said it. Whether
the famous folk we worship are sports heroes, movie stars or just
folks everyone knows about, we put them on some kind of pedestal
- and sometimes tear them down just as quickly. Popularity is a
very democratic part of our society, but also pretty perverse,
like some human herd instinct gone horribly wrong. Actors
usually go through this, too, with the four stages of fame pretty
well defined. John Wayne used to say that he'd heard it from
producers all through his career: first, "Who is John Wayne?"
Then, "Get me John Wayne." Later, "Get me a _young_ John Wayne."
Finally, "Who is John Wayne?" Come on all... Admit it. Haven't
you ever searched the web for your own name?
Maybe the ultimate expression of single-use, disposable fame
is those doomed young ladies known in Japan as "idol-singers."
These cute-faced singers of bland pop songs are clean-cut, pre-
fabricated pop performers, whose face and song will be on every
radio station and TV show - until next week. By next month
she'll likely be an escalator lady at a Japanese department
store, and even her parents will be a little dim on just what
popular song she was once famous for.
Then there are people who remain famous for decades, though
no one ever seems quite sure why. Consider Zsa Zsa Gabor... As
far as we can find out, Sari (her real name) Gabor, first became
somewhat famous as the 1936 Miss Hungary. An outspoken and
outrageously excessive personality from the time she first
arrived at the corner of Hollywood and Vain, Gabor is most famous
for marrying - and dumping - an impressive parade of tinsel town
has-beens and shirt-tail royalty. But even true film buffs will
be hard pressed to remember a single film in which she appeared
as anything but a cameo role. Her best starring role was in a
1950's, Grade-Z, sci-fi howler called "Queen of Outer Space,"
which was forgotten even before it was completed. And yet she
has somehow remains famous after nearly half a century, without
ever really DOING anything. The best guess is that she is famous
mostly for being famous. And maybe that is enough these days.
But there are clearly people whose fame has lived on far
after they have gone, and whose charm seems undiminished by the
embarrassing glare of history. Elvis is still famous enough to
only need one name, but the real Man from Memphis had descended
over the decades into a bloated, drugged-out parody of his early
fame. But long after the King left the building for good, you
can't toss a sequinned white jumpsuit without hitting an Elvis
impersonator. It has become such a cottage industry that some of
the faux-Elvii have even become famous under their own names. If
being famous is kind of weird, being well-known for pretending to
be someone famous has to be near schizoid. No wonder so many
performers need therapy.
Those of you who regularly contribute to SUNFUN should be
famous as well, and have lifted me up from complete obscurity to
incomplete obscurity. Thanks to all of you who contribute in any
way, even if it is simply keeping me from leaving the rails in
these crazy times. There are times when I appreciate that most
of all. Thanks this week to our friends: Jerry Taff, Tadashi &
Yuko Umezawa, Junji Taniguchi, Kerry Miller, Carol J. Becwar,
Naomi Ogawa, Caterina Sukup, Jan Michalski, Helen Yee, Tim
McChain, Fumiko David, Charles Beckman, Bruce Gonzo, R.J. Tully,
Wallace Adams, Joshua Brink, Brian Siegl, Anna Macareno, Paul
Roser, Ron Brown, Sharon Nuernberg, Yasmin Leischer, Deb Monroe
and Gretchen and Bob Martens. Yup, we do live in an age of
celebrity. You knew I was going to say it again - After all, I
warned you about the often part...
Have A Famous Week,
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TAKING OUT A CONTRACT...
---------------------
OK, say you just won the lottery and you want to bring in
Brittney Spears for a private concert for a few thousand of your
closest friends. Think you just write a check? Think again!
The stars have extremely specific demands for every concert they
do, spelled out in incredible detail. Some have been known to
cancel concerts if their strangest contractual whim is not met.
Brittney, for one, has gotten easier to deal with as she's
become more famous: among many other specifications, she used to
demand that her dressing room be stocked with honey, lemon, candy
bars, tea, a case of soda, several gallons of fruit juice, two
boxes of Pop Tarts and both Captain Crunch and Fruit Loops
breakfast cereal. She's now down to Ocean Spray cran-apple
juice, Gatorade General Foods French Vanilla and Suisse Mocha
coffees, a deli platter, a box of red Altoids, and one bag each
of Cool Ranch Doritos and WOW! Doritos.
But don't call her on the phone to check if everything is
OK... According to the contract, unwanted calls can set you back
an addition $5,000 per call.
Here are some other wacky demands of the touring famous:
- Van Halen: Pretty standard demands, except for the large
bowl of M&M's with all of the brown ones removed.
- Backstreet Boys: Specifically demand 24 peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches, hot coffee and tea service for eight, a
gallon of milk. Oddly, the boys instruct that there will be
no "candy, chips, chocolate or junk food of any kind."
Tubby teen heartthrobs just won't do, I guess.
- Christina Aguilera: Makes the Health Food stores really
happy when she hits town. Along with the usual demands (a
6-pack of Coke (No Pepsi, no diet), Nesquick, four packs of
Carnation Instant Breakfast "Original Malt Flavor," etc.),
Christy's dressing room must have a pint of organic whole
milk, a liter of full fat Vanilla soy milk (must not contain
Canola Oil, Barley, Oats or Malt of any kind), a tub of
small curd cottage cheese, a bottle of echinacea capsules,
four votive candles with matches, chocolate chip or Oreo
cookies, a small bottle of Flintstones vitamins, a roll of
200 ASA film, raw almonds, a package of "'Soy Kaas' soy
cheese full fat cheddar or mozzarella," a tray of organic
vegetables which must include Jhicama, and a half page of
other health nut essentials.
- Shania Twain: Apparently the Canadian diva travels with her
own security firm including her own K9 patrol for pre-
concert bomb sweeps. No uniformed officers of any kind are
to be in sight of Shania without her specific approval. On
the snack menu are assorted drinks, Mori-Nu Silken Style
Soft tofu, four bananas, three papayas and Orange cheese
popcorn.
- Limp Bizkit: Forget the divas and their food fetishes, these
guys demanded four dimmable lamps and that all dressing
rooms "... MUST have a "VIBE" like an apartment."
- Faith Hill: Her concert contracts demand that the buses be
parked and arranged to make an open area for her private
enjoyment, along with fencing and screens to make it
absolutely private. In addition to the Greyhound gazebo,
the flowers in her dressing room must NOT include and
lilies.
- Tina Turner: A junior diva like Mariah Carey may need
Cristal water backstage, but a no crap pro like Tina Turner
can get by on ordinary chocolate milk, mineral water and
soda. For a post-show meal, Tina's crew only demands
directions to a few upscale local restaurants.
- Live: This group's breathtaking contract rider seems kind of
paranoid. The five page list demands toilet seat covers and
a freshly cleaned and deodorized carpet. They make some
pretty reasonable food service demands, with the only other
really odd requirement being a "personal size oxygen system
... supplied with full tanks and a water filter system."
- Luciano Pavarotti: Absolute Male Diva. His five-page
concert rider demands absolute silence backstage, "no
distinct smells anywhere hear the artist" and no flowers of
any kind backstage. He also demands that there be
absolutely no autographs at the hotel, absolutely dark rooms
and an extra bed board as reinforcement for the star's bed,
along with a full kitchen ("like at home"). According to
the rider, he'll sue you about the autograph thing.
- Moby: Extremely simple demands in his one-page rider -
except for the 10 pairs of white cotton crew socks and 10
cotton boxer shorts. That's right folks, concert promoters
buy Moby's underwear.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
PROOF THAT BEING FAMOUS WON'T ALWAYS GET YOU THE ROYAL TREATMENT
----------------------------------------------------------------
Some years ago, King Carl Gustaf of Sweden went into a
computer store wanting to buy his son a computer for Christmas.
He intended to pay for it with a credit card, and, typical of
plastic use in Europe, the salesman asked him for some ID. His
face being on almost every 1 Kr. (1 crown) coin in Sweden, the
king simply took a coin out of his pocket and put it on the
counter saying that that was his ID.
Not good enough, said the salesman, so the slightly
embarrassed king dug around for his wallet and produced a
driver's license.
Then, when the king was walking out of the store with the
new computer, the anti-shoplifter alarm went off.
[ In the old days, people used to lose their
heads for far less than that. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
- When asked how many husbands she'd had, Zsa Zsa Gabor
replied: "You mean, other than my own?"
- "An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy
about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match."
- Fred Allen
- "We used to have actresses trying to become stars; now we
have stars trying to become actresses."
- Laurence Olivier
- "If people don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and
stands where they are sitting."
- Herman J. Mankiewicz on Charlie
Chaplin
"I would have made a good Pope."
- Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)
"They're trying to schmooze you. For the most part, they're
selling something. Politicians and movie stars practice
[their responses], and it's very hard to know if you're
getting a real window into anything that resembles their
personality."
- ``Today'' show anchor Matt Lauer,
on his interviews with celebrities.
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary
Grant."
- Cary Grant
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there."
- Yogi Berra
- "The naked truth about me is to the naked truth of Salvador
Dali as an old ukelele in the attic is to a piano in a tree,
and I mean a piano with breasts."
- James Thurber
- "I don't want anyone to ever say, 'Why doesn't he quit?'"
- singer Vic Damone, on deciding to
end his career with a farewell tour
after 53 years in the business.
"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me."
- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
"... I got a job playing in a club and I found they would
pay me $12.50 a night. A night! I didn't think there was
that much money in the world."
- Blues guitarist B.B. KING
discussing the beginning of his
career.
"The only thing that would make this better is if there had
been other nominees, so I felt like I beat somebody."
- STEVE MARTIN, on receiving a career
achievement prize at the 14th
annual American Comedy Awards.
- "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
TALES OF HOFFMAN...
----------------
We hear such stories of ego driven and simply awful stars
that we begin to take it for granted. Then comes a few tales of
the relatively rare celebs that are OK as people, no matter what
you think of their work.
Last year, Dustin Hoffman was in London for the 2000 BAFTA
Award, the Brits' own Oscar, where he was a presenter. At the
airport, he was picked up by cabbie Dave Crack, who mentioned
that his wife was a huge fan. Hoffman immediately hauled out his
cell phone and gave Dave's wife Pamela a ring.
"It's not every day you get a Hollywood superstar phoning
you when you're doing the housework," the 58-year-old catering
worker said later. "It was a moment I'll never forget."
Apparently the encounter made Hoffman's day as well, as he
made the London cabbie a feature of his speech at the awards.
"He said to give him a mention," Hoffman told the audience
to peals of laughter. "Cheers Dave."
For his part, cabbie Crack said the Hollywood star was a joy
to drive from the moment he got into the taxi munching a cheese
and tomato sandwich.
"I said 'You're that Dustin Hoffman aren't you?' and he
said, 'Yes I am -- would you like a sandwich?' I was a bit
surprised but I took a toastie from him and tucked in."
(Reuters)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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