NOOZE WEAKLY

More Funny Headlines

Hello again, Newshounds!
     I often hear the question, "What makes a particular Sunday
Funny topic pop up?"  Well, some are scheduled in advance, and
some are inspired only by random chance.  This week's episode
falls into the latter category.  While we've done headlines
before, and they have always been fun to do, this one was
inspired by a recent article on the Reuters news wire about moves
by railroad authorities in France to keep their trains on time.
     Sounds like a hilarious topic right off the bat, doesn't it?
     No?  Well, try this.  The headline on the article was:
HAVEN'T THEY SEEN 'CASABLANCA'?
It took me a while before I realized where the writer was going
with this...  The story was that the long goodbyes favored by
many romantic French couples were making the trains late.  So the
railroad company was now going to enforce the rule that only
ticketed passengers go out onto the train platforms.  That long
goodbye would have to take place somewhere else.  Unromantic, but
that's the way it is.
     Then it struck me that the writer and editors of the story
were pretty fuzzy about the famous film themselves: the hero and
heroine of "Casablanca" say their dramatic farewell at the
AIRPORT, not the train station.  Rick (Bogart) and Ilsa (Ingrid
Bergman) are never shown in any railway station during the film. 
And, being a 1940's movie, we can pretty safely assume that there
was no off-screen romantic episodes between Rick and Sam the
piano man.
     Now, while you are trying to get THAT picture out of your
mind, we'll get to the week's topic.  Headlines are written
quickly, under incredible pressures, so it isn't surprising that
they go amiss even more often than the stories themselves. 
Headlines are usually afterthoughts, even though they are what
are supposed to drawn the reader in and make a person want to
read the story, if only to figure out what the tricky writer was
up to with that goofy headline.  And while some headlines have
style and class, most are pedestrian.  But what we are looking
for is that rarest of all, the headline that is a howler.  By
some mysterious process, all of the editors and reporters have
missed the fact that there is something wrong with the headline. 
It's these rare gems that we feature this week.
     Thanks this week to our SUNFUN news team, especially:  Jerry
Taff, Laura Hong Li, Nnamdi Elleh, Fumiko Umino, Jan Michalski,
Joshua Brink, Anna Brink, Carol J. Becwar, Caterina Sukup, R.J.
Tully, Sharon Nuernburg and Major & Judy McCallum.  As much as we
enjoy them, these headlines serve as a useful reminder that the
media makes mistakes, too, much as they hate to admit it.  If we
humans ever made anything perfect, it would have to be by
mistake.
     Have A Great Week,


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THERE HAD TO BE A BETTER WAY TO PUT THIS...
----------------------------------------

   - VIRGINS TOLD TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS
                            - Headline in the December, 2000 "NRA
                              Magazine" about pro-gun laws in
                              Virgin, Utah

   - DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

   - DEATH ROW PRISONERS LAUNCH HUNGER STRIKE
                            - The Houston Chronicle
          [ Somehow, I think they've missed the concept. ]

   - HARD TO GET TO BOTTOM OF DIAPER STORY
                            - Reuters

   - LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
          [ Not that innocent, either. ]

   - CLINTON MAKES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE APPEAL TO MEN
                            - Bowling Green, Kentucky, Daily News
          [ Some people just didn't like Hillary at all! ]

   - CONDOM FIRM STRETCHES PRODUCT LINE
                            - Over an article on a condom maker
                              expanding into the medical supply
                              trade.

   - CANDIDATE SAYS MAKE-UP MAY HELP HIM WIN
                            - Reuters story about a makeup
                              election, not a transvestite
                              candidate.

   - NEW MISSOURI U. CHANCELLOR EXPECTS LITTLE SEX
          [ And what does Mrs. Chancellor think about that? ]

   - N.J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
          [ It's far more scenic than that stuffy old courtroom,
          isn't it? ]

   - CHOU REMAINS CREMATED
          [ Yup!  He's still dead. ]

   - COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
          [ They look better in dimmer light. ]

   - BLUE SKIES UNLESS ITS CLOUDY
                            - Really definite San Francisco
                              Chronicle weather report

   - SANTA FE MAN PRACTICES LOST ART OF FIXING STUFF  (AP)
          [ As opposed to the REALLY lost art of writing stuff. ]

   - NEA DISCUSSING BAN ON SPANKING SCHOOL OFFICIALS
          [ But some of those school officials have it coming! ]

   - STORE CLERK BETTER AFTER BEING SHOT

   - KHRUSHCHEV BURIED IN ENCYCLOPEDIA

   - HOSPITALS SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
          [ That's seven podiatrists, not a group of really tall
          physicians. ]

   - CRUMMY
          James and Mary Crummy of Bradenton celebrated their
          50th wedding anniversary Sept. 12, 1999, with a dinner
          at Twin Dolphin Restaurant with family ...

   - DOUBLE-HAND TRANSPLANT PATIENT APPLAUDS OPERATION
                            - Reuters

   - PORTABLE TOILET BOMBED; POLICE HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON


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THE REIGN OF ERROR
------------------
     "Based on Biblical interpretations, Morons believe they can
     offer baptism to dead relatives who hadn't accepted the
     Gospel."
                            - Subhead on a Concord, New
                              Hampshire, Monitor article about a
                              new Mormon genealogy center

   - HOW TO HIRE GREAT EDITORS...AND ONCE YOU HAVE THEM, HOW TO
     NUTURE AND EVALUATE THEM 
                            - from a Newsletter Publishers
                              Association report
          [ Forget "Nuturing" them, let's teach them how to use
          spell check! ]

   - "Rebecca A. Sealfon overcame a bad case of nerves to win the
     70th National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling the word
     'euonymn.'"  (Associated Press)
          [ The word in question is actually spelled "euonym." 
          Now, can they spell "irony?" ]

   - OFF-DUTY POLICEMAN SHOOTS MAN WITH KNIFE
                            - The Kalamazoo, Michigan, Gazette

   - SENIOR TROOP 891 TRAVELED TO LONDON
          [ Except that the accompanying photo show the Eiffel
          Tower - in Paris. ]

   - ATOMIC BOMBERS CRITICIZE ENOLA HOMOSEXUAL EXHIBIT
                            - Overly sensitive headline in the
                              Crystal Lake, Illinois "Northwest
                              Herald," referring to the B-29
                              aircraft that dropped the first
                              atomic bomb, the "Enola Gay."


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THIS JUST IN!
------------
     Some of the world's more boring and obvious headlines...

   - MAYOR'S DOG IN ANIMAL HOSPITAL WITH INTESTINAL INFECTION
                            - Dynamic local news headline in the
                              Hazleton, Pennsylvania
                              Standard-Speaker 

   - STUDENTS BECOME BILINGUAL BY STUDYING IN TWO LANGUAGES

   - POSTAL WORKER WHO KILLED 4 SAID TO HAVE 'DISLIKED PEOPLE.'

   - HOLE IN ROOF MAY BE CAUSE OF LEAK

   - OLDER KIDS WHO STAY UP LATER OFTEN ARE SLEEPIER, STUDY FINDS

   - OFFICIALS: ELVIS IS STILL DEAD  (AP headline)
          [ OK.  As long as it's official. ]

   - RETIREMENT WILL BE CHEAPER IF YOU SPEND LESS
                            - Headline on Gary Klott's syndicated
                              "Money Watch" column

   - SURVEY SAYS: SEX'S BETTER THAN WORK

   - "DEAD" WOMAN DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING

   - FEDERAL AGENTS RAID GUN SHOP, FIND WEAPONS

   - REPORT SAYS SEX CAN DRAIN MEN'S MEMORIES
          [ About what? ]

   - LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

   - DEADLINE PASSES FOR STRIKING POLICE

   - DEATHS OF TWO MEN IN PUTNAM APPEAR HEALTH-RELATED
                            - Hartford, Connecticut Courant

   - UNNECESSARY WORRY CAUSES UNNECESSARY WORRY 
          [ Part of that chicken-and-egg thing, I'll wager. ]

   - LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH
                            - The Columbus Dispatch
          [ As well it might. ]

   - MALLS TRY TO ATTRACT SHOPPERS
                            - The Baltimore Sun
          [ THAT'S why they have all those ads and big signs. ]

   - DIRTY-AIR CITIES FAR DEADLIER THAN CLEAN ONES, STUDY SHOWS
                            - The New York Times

   - DISCOVERIES: OLDER BLACKS HAVE EDGE IN LONGEVITY
                            - The Chicago Tribune


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SOUNDS WORSE THAN IT IS...
-----------------------
   - KISS YOUR ASSETS GOODBYE
                            - New York Post headline after a
                              512-point drop in the Dow Jones
                              industrial average

   - TORNADO SUCKS FAMILY OF FIVE
          A family of five was recovering Friday after  being
          sucked out of their home by a tornado ...

   - QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

   - HUGE BEAR AND SIX-FOOT DOG HAVE CHILDREN FOR BREAKFAST
                            - Weird headline on a Valentine's Day
                              breakfast party for kids featuring
                              the Yogi Bear and Deputy McGruff
                              cartoon characters

   - BAR TRYING TO HELP ALCOHOLIC LAWYERS

   - GERMANY'S GREENS PARTY ON TOP IN NEW SEX SURVEY
                            - Reuters
          [ I've heard of a political position statement, but
          this is a little extreme. ]

   - GAS COMPANY BEHIND BEAN SUPPER

   - VALENTINE'S OPERATION CUTS THROUGH USUAL GIFTS
                            - Reuters story on plans by a British
                              family-planning agency to offer low
                              cost vasectomy operations in honor
                              of the holiday.

   - GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
          [ Not like it was completely unexpected, right? ]

   - TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
                            - Story in The Miami Herald about a
                              Textron takeover of a local
                              hardware company

   - GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
                            - The Tallahassee Democrat


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JUST EVERYDAY WEIRDNESS IN THE NEWS
-----------------------------------

   - SMOKING ALLOWED IN THE CITY SEWERS
          [ For those of you having trouble finding a good place
          to smoke these days... ]

   - FRENCH TOWN BANS DEATH
                            - Reuters

   - 35 APPLICANTS LINE UP FOR LORD'S OLD JOB
          [ In France? ]

   - LAWYER TO CHECK NUDE DANCING
                            - Teaser in the Cortland, New York,
                              Standard for an article about a
                              controversial restaurant's opening
          [ Some jobs are more interesting than others. ]

   - UNDER PRESSURE AT WORK?  GET A LIFE
                            - Another sensitive Reuters headline

   - HONEY, LET'S DYE THE DOG RED AND GREEN FOR CHRISTMAS
                            - AFP headline
          [ Let's not! ]

   - POLITICIAN SAYS TOO BUSY TO CHEAT ON HIS WIFE
                            - Reuters headline
          [ He may be able to pencil it in a month or two. ]

   - [Jerry] SPRINGER DOESN'T DEFEND VIRTUE
                            - AP headline

   - OPEN HOUSE
       BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
       FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
          [ Where I'm from, we call that called, drumming up
          business. ]

   - MONKEY BUSINESS RULES IN THE CORRIDORS OF POWER
                            - Reuters story on bureaucrats in
                              Indian fighting an simian invasion.
          [ So where is Bill Clinton these days, anyhow? ]

     "Cleveland Indians pitcher Jose Mesa and another man were
     arrested on felony charges of fondling and carrying a
     concealed weapon."
                            - New York Times

   - BALLET TROUPE SHRINKS IN CALIFORNIA
                            - Reuters story about defections from
                              a visiting ballet company.
          [ To the best of our knowledge, they are all just as
          tall as before. ]

   - PIZZA DELIVERY MAN PICKS A NAME
          [ I'd like you to meet Mr. Pepperoni... ]


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