Hi-Ho, Consumers!
I got this in my Email a little while back:
"Stuck in the desert? Floating in the
ocean? Forget your anniversary?
Let former "Survivor" Rudy Boesch help!!
Call 1-866-IN-A-JAM-1 toll free for
Rudy's Survival Guide Hotline*"
Watch MODERN MARVELS SURVIVAL GUIDE WEEK beginning
January 29th (10 EP / 9C) only on The History Channel.
*This number is intended for promotional purposes only.
If you have a real emergency, please dial 911."
IF you have a real emergency?! You mean like stuck in the
desert or floating in the ocean wouldn't qualify as being a
serious problem? What struck me is that some lawyer convinced
them they needed the asterisk "911" disclaimer. I mean, you'd
have to be as dumb as a box of rocks to ...
Then I started thinking of all the stuff I get here at
SUNFUN Central. The woman in New Jersey who mistook super glue
for eye drops. The two mechanics who managed to ram an idling
jet into the side of an airport terminal. The couple of shlubs
in Virginia who loaded up a Volkswagen Jetta with the all the
construction materials for a deck - a weight greater than the car
-- and tied it all on with skinny nylon twine. Despite dragging
the back end of the car down the highway, they only stopped when
the load shifted and pulled the front wheels off the ground(!).
All of these people are looking for someone to blame.
Preferably, someone with money. They really want to believe,
despite the best evidence anyone could ask for, that they aren't
complete morons - not, at least, in whatever stupid thing they
did this time. And they know how to sue about 300% better than
they know how to read.
Truth is, manufacturers don't think we are all dunderheads,
but they know that someone, somewhere will do something so
incredibly stupid that they will be sued. Many companies have
learned the hard way that it is cheaper to put a moron message on
their labels than to go to court time after time.
I know our friends and contributors wouldn't sue us if we
left out the Thank Yous - at least, I hope they wouldn't. But,
fortunately, we didn't forget, so Hello and Thanks to: Jerry
Taff, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer, Nnamdi Elleh, Jan Michalski,
Bernie & Donna Becwar, John & Ellen Peterson, Gerry & Nancy
Wohlge, Tim McChain, R.J. Tully, Howard Lesniak, Kerry Miller,
Joshua Brink, Peter J. Adler, Fumiko Umino, Bruce Gonzo, Sharon
Nuernberg, Jack & Sherrie Gervais and the wonderful Carol J.
Becwar. Just one note: the following warnings are real and are
carried on the products noted. Consider the stupidity this
implies. If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will!
Have A Properly-Labelled Week!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
FURRIN' FRASE WARNINGS
----------------------
There is a good rule that the cheapest imported products
generally have the weirdest warning labels. They are in the
market enough to realize they should have them, but don't have
the time or money to get a properly worded and carefully thought
out warning. So, we get things like this. I think I finally
understand... The boss's kid is in English 101 and has a
whatever-to-English dictionary, right?:
- A warning label on a cat toy:
"WARNING!
1) This product is defined for pet perusal only,
not for children.
2) Keep away from children to reach."
- From a "Tabletops" 12" Stir Fry Pan
"DO NOT USE MENTAL TOOLS FOR PROLONGING THE LIFE OF THE
PAN"
[ Paging Uri Geller? ]
- On a battery-powered toy dolphin for kids:
"After playing the dolphin, must be the batteries
removed out".
- The instruction sheet for a "Street Surfer" aluminum scooter
reads:
ATTENTION TO ITEM:
1. Abecedarian at the complanate arid flat ground
coast place. handlers at gliding. It would be best to
draw on helmet and kneecap, shin guard and protect
artifice, for fear of accident injuries from falls.
2. Avoid by all means at sanded or lapidarian place
and busy a section of a highway coast, for fear happens
accident.
3. At use be indispensable to check up screw whether
become flexible, altitude changelessmove about buckle
and foldaway speedy lock whether locknut.
Warn: the manufacturer not be propitious to under 6 year
of children and elder use.
[ How'd you do? They lost me at Abecedarian* ... ]
* Hint: one meaning for abecedarian - yes, it is a real word
- is novice or beginner.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
FOR AGES AND AGES...
-----------------
- On a toy "COOKWARE SET":
FOR AGE 3 AND UP
[ Might be a little advanced for age three... The
toys included are a stubby little spatula, a
child-sized cooking spoon and a perfectly average-
looking corkscrew. ]
- On a brand of children's cough medicine:
"Do not drive car or operate machinery."
[ Kids?... Have you been loading up on the cough
syrup and heading downtown again? ]
- On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3
millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age
of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
- On a child's toy magician set that featured a picture of a
boy dressed up as a magician on the box:
"... little boy not included"
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY?
-------------------------------
- On "Crest" toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
- From a newspaper article on dangerous drugs:
"Marijuana is harvested from the plant "cannabis sativa
L." The psychoactive ingredient in marijuana is called
THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol). When the flowers
and leaves of the cannabis plant are smoked (in a pipe
or cigarette) or eaten, it produces a high, but has
some side effects like memory loss, dizziness, rapid
heartbeat, loss of coordination, memory loss and
increased appetite."
[ And don't forget about memory loss... ]
- On a bottle of dog shampoo:
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed
to fish."
[ Or spread on toast, for that matter! ]
- One brand of popular rat poison has the warning:
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory
mice."
[ Hey! Two chances to get 'em. ]
- A sticker on a "low flush, environmentally friendly" toilet
at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan warns:
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.
[ Thank you, Captain Obvious... ]
- Hazard warning on a bottle of Brut aftershave lotion:
"WARNING: Flammable until dry. Do not use when smoking
or near fire, flame, or heat."
[ So forget about immediately rushing out to that
romantic candle-lit meal... ]
- Instructions on many fire extinguishers:
"1. Carry to fire ..."
[ But if carrying it to the fire is too much
trouble, you could always start another fire
closer to the extinguisher. ]
- Seen on a bottle of "Fresh Scent Clorox Bleach":
"WARNING: Do Not Inhale Vapors!"
[ Hmmm... Kind of makes you wonder why they
bother with the "fresh scent, then... ]
- On the label of an industrial germicidal cleaner:
"If you can not read English, do not use this product
until someone explains this label to you."
[ So you can read the... Oh, never mind! ]
- On "Shout Gel" laundry pre-cleaner:
"CAUTION: Contains cleaning agents. Do not treat
garment while wearing."
- The label on "Little Ones Baby Lotion" says:
"Keep away from children"
[ Which makes it useful for exactly -- what? ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
DRIVEN TO WARN YOU...
------------------
- A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard
warns:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place"
- Similarly, a car security locking bar which loops around
both the brake pedal and the steering wheel says:
"Warning - Remove lock before driving."
- On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted bicycle mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind
you."
- At the top of the warning decal on every Bobcat (those small
earth movers} is the warning:
"AVOID DEATH!"
[ Any hints on how? I have tried, but death
always seems to find my new address. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
HI TECH WARNINGS...
----------------
- On most older IBM PC's and clones, forgetting to plug in the
keyboard gives you the ever helpful message:
"Error 301: Keyboard bad or missing. Hit the F1 key
to continue."
- Most common error from my Microtek Scanwizard 5 Scanner:
"Scanner something error happens.
[ OK ]
- From the box for the "Power Color Sniper 2 Riva TNT2 M64
Gamecard":
"Optional Lethal Performance of TV-out."
- On many window Air Conditioners:
"Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of
windows."
- Warning on a Japanese-made Food Processor:
"Not to be used for anything else."
[ Than what? ]
- On a curling iron.
"For external use only!"
- On a shipment of hammers at the hardware store:
"May be harmful if swallowed."
- From a manual for an SGI computer:
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the
mouse at co-workers."
- Printed in the plastic on a TV remote control:
"Not dishwasher safe."
- On a "Wet-or-Dry" Shop Vacuum Cleaner"
"1. Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids
2. Do not use to pick up anything that is currently
burning."
- The package advertising for a "Komatsu Floodlight" says:
"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large
areas, even in the dark"
[ What about if it's light out? ]
- On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
- A cartridge for a laser printer warns:
"Do not eat toner"
- A warning on an electric router made for carpenters
cautions:
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
[ Though it can probably be used for brain
surgery... ]
- A "Holmes Bathroom Heater" says:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
[ They only called it that to see if you were
paying attention... ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
PICK YOUR FAVORITE DANGER...
-------------------------
- Instructions on a red, white and blue plaid flannel shirt:
"Wash with same colors."
[ Other red white & blue things? ]
- On a rubber Toilet Plunger ("plumber's friend"):
"Caution: Do not use near power lines."
[ Just in case the electric company uses your
bathroom to wire the rest of the neighborhood. ]
- On a bottle of "ALL Laundry Detergent":
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing
machine."
[ I guess that cuts out any chance of using the
washer as a hot tub while you clean your clothes,
right? ]
- On the package for a U.S. Navy sonobuoy -- an ocean buoy
which is thrown over the side of a ship and used to
determine the position of enemy submarines:
"Protect from seawater."
- On a blanket from Taiwan:
"NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO."
- A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions parents
to: "Remove child before folding"
- An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions:
"Do not use near fire, flame or sparks"
[ Makes it kind of hard to light a fire, doesn't
it? ]
- The label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to
use: "while sleeping or unconscious"
- A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for
bicyclists says:
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do
not cover."
- A novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock" includes the
warning:
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth!"
[ It's hell on the stomach, too... ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
FOOD AND DRINK...
--------------
- On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
- Found on a box of "Kellogg's Pop-Tarts:"
"WARNING: Pastry filling may be hot when heated."
[ Wow! A free physics lesson with every box! ]
- On a plastic coffee cup:
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
- On a bottle of fruit flavored rum:
"OPEN BOTTLE BEFORE DRINKING."
[ If you're THAT drunk, how are you supposed to
read the label? ]
- Package instructions on "Swanson TV Dinners" include the
classic:
"This product must be cooked before eating."
- On packages of "Carefree Gum:"
"Use of this product may be hazardous to your health.
This product contains Saccharin, which has been
determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals."
[ Doesn't sound very carefree, if you ask me! ]
- "Moet White Star Champagne" has this on the label:
"Warning: Remove label before placing in microwave."
[ For those of you who just love hot champagne. ]
- On a bottle of "Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid":
"Do not use on food."
[ Well, it LOOKED like maple syrup, except that
it's green and has bubbles... ]
- On packages of "Betty Crocker Fruit Roll-Ups":
"Peel fruit from cellophane before eating."
[ If people can't tell the difference between your
product and the packaging, think maybe it could
use a little more fruit flavor? ]
- But it's not just the US! In some countries, the bottom of
Coke bottles is labelled:
"OPEN OTHER END."
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
ALRIGHT, I'M CONVINCED!
----------------------
THE SUNDAY FUNNIES WARNING:
Reading of Sunday Funnies may cause spontaneous,
uncontrollable laughter in some individuals. The author
assumes no responsibility for induced manias, psychosis or
sexually transmitted diseases. Fire hazard: If placed in
fire or open flame, Sunday Funnies will burn. Caution:
paper cuts are possible if fingers are slid quickly along
page edges, use caution when turning pages or wear
protective equipment. Though the author of Sunday Funnies
sincerely believes that laughter is the best medicine, this
is not a medical claim, and has not been sufficiently tested
on humans, aardvarks or lowland gorillas. Though every
effort is made to make the name accurate, there is no
guarantee expressed or implied that your copy of Sunday
Funnies will actually arrive on a Sunday. Failing to
appreciate humor of any kind may be a sign of depression or
other psychological problems, consult your mental health
professional or your bartender. Please do not read Sunday
Funnies while driving or operating heavy machinery, or while
using prescription medications. Your mileage may vary.
Etaoin Shrdlu.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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