Hello Again, Friends,
Here at SUNFUN, we don't do many stories on death and
destruction. Because all lives have value, most deaths are a
tragedy to someone. As English Poet John Donne said, "... any
man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde." A
nice thought from a pretty smart guy, even if old John did have
quite a serious 'E' fetish.
That said, there are some deadly funny stories that we come
across that are just too silly to ignore; usually these are
ironic stories where someone checks out in some seriously foolish
way. While we won't be doing this too often, once in a while
shouldn't hurt too much. Since today is Halloween, it seemed
like as good a time as any. (OK, yesterday was Halloween for you
folks who get it at work Monday morning. Can I help it if you
don't work on Sunday?) Since we don't use these stories too
often, quite a few have built up, so I've decided to do all of
them at once. You might call this a death consolidation tome.
How can we joke about death? How can we not? Death is far
too serious to be taken seriously. We have to laugh, in order
just to keep going. Life is that way. There is some grand
cosmic joke in the fact that millions of people who long for
immortality are bored silly when they can't find anything good on
TV.
And there certainly are some weird things that happen
involving death. Take diet guru James Rodale, who started the
natural foods craze while in his late 60's and often remarked,
"I'm going to live to be 100, unless I'm run down by a
sugar-crazed taxi driver." On June 5, 1971, he was a guest on
the Dick Cavett Show. After his interview, he moved down the
couch to make room for journalist Pete Hamill, who was there to
discuss politics. Rodale appeared to nod off quietly. "Are we
boring you, Mr. Rodale?" asked Cavett. There was no response --
there couldn't be; Rodale had died of a heart attack. The show
was never broadcast.
Thanks this week for the undying support of: Fumiko Umino,
Laura Hong Li, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Rosana Leung, Caterina Sukup,
Nnamdi Elleh, Jerry Taff, M. B. Tully, Carol J. Becwar, Peter J.
Adler, Jan Michalski, Kerry Miller, Anna & Joshua Brink, Brian
Siegl, Beth & Jim Butler, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Jon &
Ellen Peterson and Ann Glomski. Thanks to all of you for your
friendship and support, which makes life worth living.
As long as we're on the subject, how do I feel about
checking out? Let's just say that I agree with George Santayana:
"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the
interval."
Have A Lively Week,
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DEATH TAKES A HOLIDAY...
---------------------
Death claims all of us, eventually. But that time delay has
undertakers in England get impatient, according to a recent news
report. The declining death rate has caused their business to
die off rather dramatically.
"While death is, of course, inevitable, there are
indications that it is increasingly being postponed," a funeral
industry market research firm said.
Medical advances and longer life expectancy have meant that
there are likely to be 500 fewer funerals each week than there
were just three years ago. Some funeral homes are concerned that
they won't be able to stay in business at that rate. (Reuters)
[ Just more proof that even the best things
in life are bad for someone... ]
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SMALL CHANGE...
------------
The family of a recently deceased man in Milwaukee,
Wisconsin realized after his funeral that his wallet was missing.
After looking everywhere, they came to the obvious conclusion
that it had been buried with him.
They immediately called the funeral home and made
arrangements to have him exhumed and then re-buried to recover
the missing cash and credit cards.
They did find the wallet. Along with the cancelled cards,
the wallet contained $64. The funeral home sent the family a
bill for $2,100 for digging him up and re-planting him.
[ So, you CAN take it with you? ]
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REMAINS OF THE DAY
------------------
Verna Carter of St. Petersburg, Florida lost her mother.
That is sad, of course. But it's worse that Verna lost her mom
twice. And the second time was her own fault.
Mrs. Carter's 84-year-old mother had died quietly at home.
The family had held a nice memorial service and her daughter had
picked up mom's ashes from the crematorium.
When she got home that Thursday, there were so many things
to carry into the house. A tote bag. Groceries. Diet soda. So
she left the box with mom's ashes in the car. Sometime between
then and Sunday morning someone removed the cardboard box from
the back seat of the car. No one is quite sure why.
"I never expected her to get up and walk off at this stage,"
Ms. Carter said.
Police are looking. (AP)
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DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA...
--------------------------
A 25-year-old man in Buenos Aires, Argentina was having a
violent argument with his wife. So violent that he tried to end
it by pushing her out the window of their eighth floor apartment.
She fell, but luckily for her, she landed on some electric lines
below and managed to hang on.
Enraged, the guy jumped after her to try to finish her off.
He missed. He missed the wires, too. She was pulled to safety
on a nearby balcony by neighbors. (Reuters/Telam)
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THE NEXT VOICE YOU HEAR...
-----------------------
Ever see those travelogues where people ride on the roof of
a overcrowded bus in some third world location? As in many parts
of the world, it is pretty common in some rural parts of
Argentina. The buses there are always overloaded, especially in
winter.
Twenty-five-year-old Mario Paz was forced to ride up on the
roof in far distant Santiago del Estero because the bus was very
overcrowded. As usual, the top of the bus was loaded with cargo
and one of the packages was a coffin. Midway during the ride to
town, the coffin lid opened slightly and a voice asked: "Is it
cold, sir?"
Police reported that Mario is doing fine in the hospital
with only a broken arm and a broken leg after he jumped from the
moving bus. The old farmer who had just taken a sheltered nap
inside the coffin was unhurt. (Reuters)
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BUT DOING SURPRISINGLY WELL AT THE POLLS
----------------------------------------
In November of last year, the small town of Ogunquit, Maine
was in the middle of a hotly contested election campaign. After
a surprisingly lively contest, candidate Karen Maxwell finally
won the balloting by a little over 100 votes. Surprising,
considering that her opponent, Carl Merril, had done no
campaigning at all before the election. That would have been
tough, since he had died of a heart attack over a month earlier
at the beginning of last October.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Sherman Block, another deceased
candidate, came close to winning what would have been his fifth
term as L.A. County Sheriff. Even though the fact that he'd
joined the choir some time before the election was well
advertised in the media, he still drew over one-third of the
votes.
His opponent, Lee Baca, had made Block's poor health an
issue early in the campaign, but Block had insisted that he was
perfectly fit. Right 'til the end. A spokesman for the Block
campaign said, "I guess health is no longer an issue." (Reuters)
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EXIT LINES...
----------
Being a small collection of last lines from famous folk...
"Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."
- George Appel, executed by electric
chair in New York, 1928.
"More light!"
- Last words of Goethe
"That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted."
- Lou Costello, American comedian
"Too late for fruit, too soon for flowers."
- Walter De La Mare
"I've never felt better."
- Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.
"Why yes---a bulletproof vest."
- James Rodges, murderer, on his
final request before the firing
squad
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would
allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."
- John Barrymore
"I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring."
- Richard Feynman, physicist
"I'll be damned!"
- Western Outlaw Doc Holliday,
looking at his stocking clad feet
as he lay in bed dying of
tuberculosis. He had always
expected to die with his boots on.
"How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper?
'French fries.' "
- James French, executed in electric
chair in Oklahoma, 1966.
"God will pardon me, that's his line of work."
- Heinrich Heine
"All is lost. Monks, monks, monks!"
- Henry VIII
"Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?"
- King Louis XIV
"It's all been very interesting."
- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
"Get my swan costume ready."
- Anna Pavlova, famous ballerina
"Here am I, dying of a hundred good symptoms."
- Alexander Pope
"I am leaving you because I am bored."
- George Sanders, British actor
"I am about to -- or I am going to -- die; either expression
is used."
- Last words of Dominique Bouhours,
French grammarian
"Seventeen whiskeys. A record, I think."
- Dylan Thomas
"Moose . . . Indian . . ."
- Henry David Thoreau
"Don't worry chief, it will be alright."
- Rudolph Valentino
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- Pancho Villa, Mexican Bandit
"Go away. I'm all right."
- H. G. Wells, who wasn't.
"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."
- Oscar Wilde, who went.
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... "
- Gen. John Sedgwick, in battle,
1864. They could.
"Die, my dear Doctor? That's the last thing I shall do!"
- Lord Palmerston. It was.
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FATAL BUT NOT SERIOUS...
---------------------
The London Daily Telegraph ran the nicest obituary for local
folk rock musician Dave Swarbuck. His friends and family enjoyed
reading the life story of the 58-year-old member of the veteran
British rock group who had gone into the hospital with a chest
infection. The only problem was he isn't dead.
"This is really going to tickle him pink," Swarbuck's wife
Jill told a rival newspaper. (Reuters)
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"There are worse things in life than death. Have you
ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
- Woody Allen
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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