Greetings, Friends!
Some people are born to stupidity, others have it thrust
upon them. Now, everyone makes mistakes... We either do things
we regret or things happen to us that are just stupid. Stupid
things happen even to very smart people. A certain amount of
that is unavoidable. Bad things happen. We make mistakes. But
that's not what we are talking about here. We are talking about
Level 1 stupidity - the kind that requires actively stupid input.
Consider this news story: AT&T fired President John Walter
last year after only nine months on the job, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership". OK, so that's a nice way of saying
they thought he was as dumb as a bag of hammers. Then what did
the AT&T board do? They voted to give Walter a $26 million
severance package. Tell me, who was more stupid? It certainly
makes it sound like AT&T is only a couple of clowns short of a
circus.
You don't have to wander far before coming to the conclusion
that there are some people who seem to absorb intelligence the
same way a black hole sucks in light. You get the definite
feeling their ancestors were part of the control group during
evolution. Oddly, they may also be very bright in one area, in a
kind of "idiot- savant" way. But it only takes a short drive on
the highways of any major city to convince you that some of these
folks go through life a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
But, for all of that, they are a tremendous boon to science -
they do help explain how the dinosaurs survived for millions of
years with only walnut-sized brains.
Thanks this week to our always intelligent friends and
contributors: Jim & Caterina Sukup, Laura Hong Li, Sylvia Libin
He, Naomi Ogawa, Fumiko Umino, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Joshua
Brink, Kerry Miller, Ann Glomski, Peter J. Adler, Tim McChain,
Tomoko Naito, Jerry Taff, Dale Frederickson, Mike Will, Nnamdi
Elleh, Tom & Michelle Stricker, Chuck and Akiko Christison, Beth
& Jim Butler, Annamarie Macareno, Brian Siegl, and Junji
Taniguchi. No matter what stupid things happen to you this week,
just remember that the only smart thing to do is laugh.
Have A Great Week!
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The difference between Genius and stupidity is that
genius has it's limits.
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UNDER AN EVIL SPELL
-------------------
Nearly everyone hates to make mistakes in print. Mistakes
do happen, even here in Funnies. But some mistakes are a little
too obvious to ignore.
That was the case recently in Oklahoma, where State
Insurance Commissioner Carrol Fisher announced that nearly all
copies of the agency's annual report had been recalled and
destroyed because of a few hundred glaring faults. For one
thing, the report contained over 100 misspelled words.
Among the biggest embarrassments was the caption under the
picture of the Commissioner, which announced Fisher as "Oklahoma
Isurance Commissioner." In other places, even the name
"Oklahoma" was misspelled. The Commissioner said that a state
employee had resigned because of the mistakes.
It cost the state nearly $12,000 to print the report, which
was to be sent to insurance companies nationwide. It will cost
just a little less to reprint it with the mistakes corrected.
The commissioner also promised that, besides the
misspellings, they would also fix the many listings for funeral
homes that provide prepaid benefits. He admitted that
abbreviating these as "fun homes" was also stupid. (AP)
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FIX THIS SPELLING MISTAKE, OR ELESE!
-----------------------------------
Speaking of odd spelling, editors will tell you that having
your book or newspaper hit the streets with a spelling error is
the worst thing that could possibly happen. They are wrong - it
can be much worse. Take the story of Joseph Beahm of Woodbridge,
New Jersey.
For whatever reason, Beahm decided he wanted a tattoo on his
right shoulder that showed a knife stabbing into a man's back
with the words, "Go Ahead, Everyone Else Does." And that's what
says he told tattoo artist James Kastel of Body Art World tattoo
parlor to create.
It wasn't the best time to find out that Kastel may not be
the best speller. What Beahm got was a tattoo that reads, "Go
Ahead, Everyone Elese Does."
Beahm is suing the tattoo parlor to make them pay for laser
surgery to remove the offending artwork plus skin them for
$20,000 in damages. Body Art has offered to refund Beahm's
$100, or to cover the misspelling with another tattoo.
The tattoo artist agrees that the mistake is his fault, but
points out that Beahm was shown a rendering of the tattoo -
complete with mistake - before the tattoo was applied.
"The (artist) had to be close to 28 years old," said Beahm.
"That word is something you learn to spell by the sixth grade.
Everywhere I go, people are making fun of me." (AP)
[ Would it be in really awful taste to ask if
that means people are giving him the needle? ]
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NO BODY WANTS TO PAY...
--------------------
In Germany, when the sign says "No Parking," that's exactly
what they mean. They do not like exceptions to any rule. So,
police in Wiesbaden wrote a ticket and had an illegally parked
car towed away immediately.
What they didn't realize at the time was that the vehicle
was a hearse and two undertakers were inside a nearby building
picking up a body. It took over two hours to straighten things
out and have the impounded morgue wagon returned to the scene,
while the two undertakers sat on the curb with the coffin.
Though city authorities apologized for the tow, they
informed the undertakers they would still have to pay the parking
ticket. (Reuters)
[ Of corpse! ]
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JUST LIKE ONE OF THE FAMILY
---------------------------
A true story from a veterinary magazine:
"As a Veterinarian, I am constantly made aware of how pets
are an integral part of many people's lives. I had just finished
explaining to a basset hound's owner that her elderly dog had
diabetes and began listing probable causes. She interrupted me
when I mentioned that family history could be a factor."
"'No one on my side has ever had that condition,' she said
firmly, 'and I don't think my husband's family has either.'"
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UNFRIENDLY FIRE...
---------------
Military police at Fort Bragg, North Carolina arrested a
driver after he somehow drove his Ford Bronco onto the active
live-fire artillery range. Ignoring the fences and warning
signs, he continued until he got stuck in a shell hole. Soldiers
were just preparing to open fire when they saw him walking across
the cratered field littered with thousands of pounds of
unexploded ammunition.
"Why or how he did not step on something and blow himself
totally up is a miracle," garrison commander Colonel Woodrow
Wilson said.
The army determined that even trying to retrieve the Bronco
was too dangerous, so it was left on the range as a target.
[ It might help explain things if the driver
was bombed at the time, too. ]
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OH, CANADA?
----------
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien gave the opening
speech at an international conference on federalism earlier this
month, proudly proclaiming that Canada had been created as an
independent country in 1863.
Then, Quebec premier Lucien Bouchard had his say. Bouchard,
who would prefer that the province of Quebec declare independence
from the rest of Canada, was happy to point out his rival's
mistake. In a dinner party speech in front of the same
delegates, he corrected Chretien's mistake, announcing that
Canada had been created in 1868.
Just for the record, the provinces of Ontario, New Brunswick
and Nova Scotia united to form Canada - July 1, 1867.
[ Oh, great! Now we have to decide which
politician is the most foolish. ]
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OH SHOOT, SUPPER'S READY!
------------------------
Madison, Wisconsin Police Chief Richard Williams will need
to find a new place to hide his gun. For one thing, he kept
forgetting about the old place. For another, his former hiding
place has been in the papers now.
The chief often put his gun in the family microwave oven to
hide it from potential thieves. That was fine until the day he
forgot, and started defrosting a turkey before removing the
pistol.
Fortunately, no one was injured when the heat set off a
bullet. And in all fairness, the chief suspended himself for the
lapse in judgement.
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NO DEPOSIT, NO RETURN
---------------------
Banks compete with each other these days to offer the best
interest rates to lure customers. That's what convinced a
61-year-old man in Balingen, Germany late last year to withdraw
his life savings from one bank and transfer it to another.
He took the 100,000 marks ($60,000) in cash in a bag and
drove to his new bank. Unfortunately, as he was driving to the
bank, he suddenly remembered that he had left the bag of cash on
the roof of his car. By the time he remembered, the money was
gone with the wind. (Reuters)
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TV TRIVIA CHALLENGE...
-------------------
Of course, the Pope's visit to St. Louis last February was
covered extensively by the local media. But, as usual, some
seemed better prepared than others.
KMOV-TV news anchors Myriam Wright and Larry Connors were
discussing his eminence's life and visit when Wright asked, "Has
he ever been married?"
An embarrassed Connors responded with a simple, "No." (St.
Louis Post Dispatch)
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PUCKER UP!
---------
Ken Hale, 26, from Carlsbad, California was entertaining
friends at his home when he accepted a bet to kiss his pet. This
might be only a small bet if his pet was a cat or dog. Hale's
pet is, in fact, a three-foot long rattlesnake.
Oh, and the snake kissed first.
After 26 vials of antivenom, doctors at Palomar Hospital in
Escondido listed Hale in good condition. (AP)
[ "How sharper than a serpent's tooth... " ]
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Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their
level, then beat you with experience.
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BAD MOON RISING...
---------------
A Welsh tourist saw a little more of South Africa than he
had intended. Fair enough, since South Africa saw more of him
than it had ever wanted, too.
Police say that the 21-year-old engineering student was
travelling the country with his friends in one of the rear seats
of a tour bus. As they were returning from the Cape wine town of
Stellenbosch in September, he apparently decided that it would be
loads of fun to shock people in the passing cars. So, as the bus
rolled down the busy highway, he pulled down his pants and pushed
his naked backside against the rear window to "moon" the
motorists.
The window, which was also designed for use as an emergency
exit, gave way under the pressure and dumped the half-naked
numbskull out onto the highway.
The accident brought cars to a standstill as the man was
treated by paramedics. He was later hospitalized suffering
severe abrasions and blood loss, and massive embarrassment.
"He has requested that we do not give out any further
information," a hospital spokesperson said. "We have been
inundated with calls about him." (Reuters)
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EVERYONE MAKE MOOSTAKES!
-----------------------
Everyone needs love, even the biggest and ugliest of us.
That's what makes the story of the lovesick Maine moose so
understandable, even if it is still pretty stupid. Love can make
all of us blind to our own mistakes.
Now, moose are not generally known for their great
intelligence. Nor do they have exceptionally good eyesight.
But there is still no really good explanation why the 700 pound
(350 kg) bull moose was wooing this particular lady-love.
The moose absolutely lost his head over the most beautiful
thing in the whole forest - a plastic foam archery target in the
shape of a large deer. He made persistent passes at the plastic
deer, ignoring the arrows stuck in her foam hide. This little
passion played out in the backyard of the Morrill family in
Waterbury, Maine, who thought the whole thing was pretty funny.
"We were laughing and laughing," homeowner Nancy Morrill
said. "But the moose didn't pay any attention. It had one
thing on its mind and that was it."
The bewitched Bullwinkle even managed to ignore the fact
that the beautiful object of his affection paid him no attention
at all. Apparently moose are as used to this as other big ugly
guys. But nothing discouraged him until his passionate nuzzling
and rubbing caused the plastic statue's head to fall off.
According to Morrill, "When that happened, the moose stopped
and looked around... And then it sniffed and trotted off into
the woods."
[ It's the same old story: Sure, he was
making a fool of himself, but the affair
ended badly only when she lost her head. ]
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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