Howdy, All!
I'm coming to you this week from the computer lab at SUNFUN
Central - it seems both at work and at home, there have been lots
of computer problems this week. My son's machine won't boot -
we're working on it. My wife's computer is off the local network
again for some reason - we'll probably have to reinstall Windows
95 once again. The network where my wife works has been sluggish
all week due to some hardware problem. And we've run into some
obscure Windows NT faults at work that are making us a little
nuts. OK, we were already a little nuts, but this isn't helping.
Thirty years ago, in 1969, everyone was sure that the single
most important science event of the century was the moon landing.
While that was an incredible technical achievement, from three
decades later, it almost looks like a scientific sideshow. Maybe
the most influential scientific achievement of the century was a
little experiment that no one even noticed at the time. Even the
scientists who conducted the test hardly mentioned it. Late that
same summer of '69, just two months after the lunar landing,
computer scientists in California hooked together two computers
in the first true computer network. Considering everything that
has come since, maybe it isn't surprising that the computers
crashed the very first time they tried to transfer a file. But
when they finally got it working, it was the start of the
Internet.
To celebrate this momentous event, I spent at least 30
minutes on hold the other day, listening to Tom Jones wail away
on "What's New Pussycat" (8 times), while waiting for an answer
on a technical problem. Maybe it wouldn't have been quite so bad
if they hadn't assured me first that, "Your call is very
important to us!" If it was that important, don't you think
they'd hire another couple of people to answer the phones? Worse
yet, the pimply-voiced support drone that answered the phone was
obviously just hired off the fry line at the local McDonald's.
Not only didn't he have an answer, he didn't even come close to
understanding the question. But it wasn't a complete waste of
time; I now know the complete lyrics to at least one Tom Jones
song.
Our friends and supporters are unusually good at answering
questions, so special Thanks this week for the support and
friendship of: Rosana & Stanley Leung, Laura Hong Li, Josie
Tong, Naomi Ogawa, Carol J. Becwar, Tim McChain, Peter J. Adler,
Jerry Taff, Lydia Cheong Chu-Ling, Pete & Ellen Peterson, Tomoko
Naito, Kerry Miller, Karen J. Crooker, Meredith & Yasmin
Leischer, Fumiko Umino, Brian Siegl, Larry Sakar, Junji
Taniguchi, Anna & Joshua Brink and Jim & Beth Butler. Time to
wander upstairs and see how my son is doing on that software
reload for his machine, so you folks read away while I help get
him back online.
Have A Great Week (You And Your Pussycat Nose)!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any
invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of
handguns and tequila."
- Mitch Radcliffe, "Technology
Review" (1992)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
GOING SLIGHTLY BUGGY
--------------------
Got a problem with a Microsoft Product? Microsoft wants you
to know that they really care, that's why they have a special Bug
Report page just for reporting problems. But I haven't quite
figured out if they are subtly telling you to kiss Mr. Gate's
caboose or if it's just that Microsoft's web master is really
irritated at the boss. Check this (real) URL:
http://support.microsoft.com/isapi/support/pass.idc?Product=CEO%20Bill%20Gates%20Anus
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
A LITTLE REPROGRAMMING
----------------------
Mark Tilden is a computer scientist working in artificial
intelligence. Calling himself a "robot biologist," he has made a
whole generation of small robots that are good at navigating from
one place to another on their own. To demonstrate the
practicality of the little robots, he even designed some that
help to clean his apartment.
But one of them was giving him fits - he would leave in the
morning and the robot would be moving around normally, busily
cleaning up. But when he'd come home at night, the robot would
be uselessly circling in the center of the room, stuck in an
endless loop. No amount of rebuilding or reprogramming seemed to
cure the problem, and the robot passed its diagnostic tests
without showing any problems.
Finally, one day when Tilden was at home, he noticed the
robot moving across the living room. When Tilden's cat emerged
from the bedroom, the tabby immediately spotted the robot and sat
down directly in its path. "Seeing" the obstacle on its sensors,
the robot turned 90 degrees to go around. The cat then jumped
in front of the robot again. After a few times blocking the
robot's path, the cat convinced the poor machine that it was
surrounded by furniture, so it just looped around where it stood.
- From "New Scientist Magazine"
[ Of course the tabby would know how to
reprogram a robot - cats are instinctively
good with mice. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"I'm getting so tired of saying "www". Why not just say
"Hibbety-Hibbety-Hibbety?"
- Kerry Miller
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE BEYOND HELP DESK...
--------------------
More true tales of tech support and further proof that
artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity:
----------
A customer called Hewlett-Packard's help desk, complaining
about a problem with her DeskJet color printer. She could print
all colors except yellow, but all of the other colors would print
just fine. This is especially odd because other colors, such as
green, are printed using the yellow color ink. New drivers
didn't help, nor did a new print cartridge. Nothing Tech support
suggested worked.
Finally the customer asked, "Should I try printing on a
piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
----------
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under
Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the
door."
"But that is a good point," she continued. "The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."
----------
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard
drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,
and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
----------
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the
printer's tech support number, complaining about the error
message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said
he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the
computer said it still couldn't find it.
----------
One customer called tech support and asked, "Can you copy
the Internet for me on this diskette?"
----------
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "Alright, try hitting Control-Alt-Delete to
reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before.
Now it doesn't work."
It turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed
his spaceship, ending that game.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
----------
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install
the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were
on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I
just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read
the book."
----------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I
am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: Did you install the update?
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it
to work?"
----------
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
----------
Tech Support: "OK, in the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------
Customer: "Uhh... I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box
closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh... OK, thanks..."
----------
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software.
I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type
'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "OK, check the directory of the A: drive - go
to A:/ and type 'dir'."
The customer read off a list of file names, including
'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type
'INSTALL' again.
Customer: "OK. (pause) Still says 'Bad command or file
name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file is there in the correct
place - it can't help but do something. Are you sure
you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again. (pause) Nope, still
'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're
typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says
'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so
I'm using the 'M' key... Does that matter?"
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
COMPUTERS AND CHOPSTICKS...
------------------------
Many computer scientists in the U.S. are concerned about us
losing our lead in computer technology. It isn't the PhD program
in India or the huge number of out-of-work programmers in Eastern
Europe that worries them, it's the lack of good, inexpensive
Chinese food in Silicon Valley these days. Chasing the money,
the restaurants in the high-tech capitol have all gone upscale
these days, leaving the old-time coders and hardware hackers
hungry for the taste of "Kung-pao Wow" or "Zukes & Nukes,"
preferably prepared by the longtime chef to the computer stars,
Louis Kao.
Kao operated a tiny Szechuan restaurant across from Stanford
University. Largely because of the affinity that hackers have
traditionally had for spicy Chinese food, the "Hsi Nan"
restaurant became a magnet that drew the nation's hacker elite.
Much of the hardware and software we now take for granted was
first sketched out on Louis Kao's napkins.
Last month, many computer engineers and programmers gathered
one last time to mark Kao's retirement. The late hours and
convenient location obviously played some part in the popularity
of Chinese fare among hackers. But many have wondered about the
mystical attachment some of the computer folks have for Kao's
spicy fare.
"I still find myself lusting after Louie's crab with black
bean sauce," recalled Mark Mannasse, a computer researcher at a
Compaq Computer laboratory.
But it was never a mystery to Louis Kao. "These people
appreciate what I do," he said. "They have taste buds for
gourmet food."
Whatever the case, it's clear that the younger generation of
hackers will miss part of what made Silicon Valley possible.
That even included Kao's waiters, many of whom were graduate
students in Stanford's advanced computing labs.
Jeff Rubin, now a systems programmer at the Stanford
artificial intelligence lab, worked for Kao as a waiter in
exchange for Chinese lessons. One day a manager of the Stanford
computer lab had lunch at the restaurant with an East Coast
salesman from Digital Equipment.
At one point the two were arguing about a technical detail,
and the lab manager called a halt to the debate.
"There is no point in arguing. We can settle this very
easily. Let's ask the waiter," the manager said, turning to the
grad student waiter.
"Can you tell us about the cache on the KL 10?" he asked.
"It's a 32K two-way set associative cache," waiter Rubin
replied, and then walked away, leaving the salesman's mouth
hanging open.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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